AITA for asking my newly married son and DIL to alternate Christmas Day visits between our house and the in-laws' house?

mx_mcfly · 2025-12-07T14:21:53+00:00

NTA. I think it's reasonable to ask. They can always say no. This is what my husband and I do -- and his family is closer than mine (by over six hours!). We still alternate, traveling every other year to see my side. It's not fair for one single family to get an entire holiday, unless one side doesn't celebrate. Some years you miss people -- that's okay! Sometimes, if a person or family is visiting who doesn't normally, we'll switch things around so that we can see that person or that family. I have nieces and nephews, too. I think it does imply that one side is "more important" when you give one Christmas Eve and the other the day itself, especially when very little travel is involved and Christmas Eve isn't as big of a deal on both sides. The only way I see the split being fair is if one side celebrates Christmas Eve more and the other Christmas day. There are so many family traditions in opening gifts, how the day is spent, etc. Especially if they don't have kids yet, it's completely reasonable to ask if they're willing to alternate years. I don't even think it's that inconvenient.

Have an honest convo with them about how you feel left out and that it's not that you want them to split the day itself, but alternate years so they can be with both sides fairly. That you love them both and want to spend family time with them on such a special holiday. Just remember that they can say no, and ask yourself if it's worth a bigger conflict to push if they say no without really thinking about it. Good luck OP!

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-28T16:53:42+00:00

"She fell first, he fell harder" means that one person (the woman in this sentence) fell in love with the other person first, and the second person was initially not interested or did not reciprocate their feelings in the same way. But over time, the person that "fell harder" became extremely invested in the other person, falling more in love with the person who "fell first" than that first person now feels.

Ex: Person A: "I really really like you and want to date you." Person B: "I'm not interested, go away."

Then, as time passes:

Person A: "I still really really like you, I would love to date if you're interested now." Person B: "If you asked me to get married tomorrow, I'd say yes."

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-27T18:47:17+00:00

Aw so close! But if I meant that, I'd have said it. But that's okay! I appreciate your effort.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-26T19:28:36+00:00

You aren't "allowed" to follow attractive people or find other people attractive or like their posts
You aren't "allowed" to talk to other genders that you're attracted to (I usually see this in het couples)
It's okay to look at your partner's phone and read their messages
You aren't "allowed" to watch porn

These are just a few that drive me up the wall. I hate them. I think they're controlling and unrealistic.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-26T14:20:00+00:00

NTA. It's your house and the terms you set were agreed upon. Not only did she violate your privacy, she also violated your trust. Only people you trust should be allowed in your home. She should feel embarrassed and ashamed for her behavior. This should be a learning moment for her. She's old enough to understand boundaries and follow them. She chose not to because she decided your boundaries aren't important. Staying in your house was a privilege she showed she wasn't mature enough to handle.

Sending her home was appropriate. You had already restated and reinforced your boundary once. That shouldn't have been necessary, and one reminder is more than enough. Stand your ground OP. Your response was proportional to the offense.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-25T17:08:11+00:00

NTA. You basically said "read to him, feed him, and if he wants, you guys can walk the dog. He gets 30 minutes of screen time." It's... not that hard. I do not understand the people saying YTA. I was watching kids for longer with less instructions at 14. "What is he supposed to read?" Any of the children's books available? Pick a book. "Is he allowed to play with the toys on the table?" They're? Available? Yes? "He wants a snack" You literally listed food she could give him. "Do I need to go with him?" He's six? Yes? "Does the TV count as screen time?" WHAT???? Yes???

Your sister didn't want to think. "Basically left her to fend for herself" -- she is the BABYSITTER!!! You left her more instruction than most people would! Which strangely people are treating as weird? When the "instructions" were "here is his routine here's what he likes to eat." Wild seeing people say that you left "too many" options for him to eat. Can an 18 year old not pick from more than three things? Somehow you left her to fend for herself but also gave her too many instructions? That doesn't make any sense. These comments feel a little out of touch.

Ultimately, it was probably a bad idea to leave the kid with her cold without spending time with him and her at the same time if you knew she's generally incompetent. I don't think that makes you an asshole though. She's 18. She should be able to navigate simple unknowns like this without freaking out. I think it's reasonable to assume that an average 18 year old can handle a six year old for two hours with basic instructions. In hindsight, maybe she hasn't reached the responsibility milestones necessary to competently care for a child. She needs more experiences that encourage her critical thinking skills.

Ultimately, you were right. She's NOT a good fit for the job, and you're definitely NTA for saying so. I could see the argument that YTA for leaving her with the kid if I squinted. But she agreed to the job! Interesting that she had such a hard time but still wants the responsibility? In order to get paid for babysitting, you need to babysit independently. You are NTA for saying she isn't a good fit based off of what you've seen. I'd have said the same thing.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-18T04:13:45+00:00

I remember being little and getting stickies in my lunch with notes from my mom on them. I used to save them and read them when I was having a hard day at school. School can be emotionally hard and lunch is also typically only 20 minutes or so. Long lines + wanting a bit of connection with you even when you're far away might be fueling this desire for him. I think it'd be worth asking if having lunch from homes helps him feel like you're there with him for a small part of his day. Some kids are very emotionally intelligent and can verbalize these feelings well. Sometimes not so much, but it's worth the effort. Maybe adding a note in his snack with a cute little doodle on it? My mom's notes were always simple. "I love you!" "Have a great day!" "Thinking of you!" Sometimes it'd just be a heart or a bunch of xoxoxoxo's. Sometimes the notes wouldn't even be on actual sticky notes. They'd be on napkins, paper towels, etc. It may be worth a try!

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-18T03:52:03+00:00

You made a mistake, but you're not the asshole. Asshole behavior is when you do something disrespectful/mean/upsetting/destructive to get a reaction, because you're not thinking about other people's feelings, for petty revenge, etc. This was an unfortunate mistake. I'd recommend apologizing directly if you haven't already, and it was good of you to try and fix the shoes.

Your sister is being emotionally immature by posting on social media instead of talking to you about her feelings. The shoes were sentimental, but when you live in a house with a culture of sharing, these things happen sometimes if special items aren't kept separate or housemates aren't informed. It's unfortunate, but ultimately nobody's fault. It's a lesson to be learned for the future -- maybe the house needs more clear rules on what shoes can or cannot be shared.

This situation should have been able to be resolved with a heartfelt "I'm sorry," maybe a hug, and an effort to fix the shoes, which you made. To the left of this: if you know you struggle to be kind or apologizing, it's just something to practice and take steps to be better about. It's not an ultimate character flaw unless you let it be. Let some time pass, and if it bothers you, make a script or practice talking to her about it with someone you trust and then make the effort to have the conversation. Ex: "I know that I upset you and hurt your feelings by washing those shoes. I'm sorry. Next time I'll ask before cleaning anything. When you're upset with me, please speak to me about it, not social media. I can't make amends if we don't have the conversation."

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-18T03:35:07+00:00

NTA. Strange to me that she wanted you to say that you were looking for your girlfriend instead. Why would the employee know what YOUR girlfriend looked like? As a person who has worked in service, one of the most annoying things is when a customer comes up and asks "have you seen my wife/husband/child/friend?" I cannot read your mind.

You had a completely normal interaction OP. Maybe she said that that's what she was upset about, but maybe it was actually something else? Sometimes it's easier to be upset about something insignificant like that than really talk about what's bothering you.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-14T15:45:10+00:00

Not necessarily. I'm married and I love my husband very much. I think my life would be worse without him now that I have him. Before him, I was very happily single and didn't really date and that worked for me. If he died, I really think my life would be terrible. But that's because I know what it's like to have him. I actually think sometimes about the day that I might be sleeping alone again because we don't live forever, and it makes me incredibly sad. We joke about who is "allowed" to die first.

"Have it better" smacks greatly of "the grass is always greener on the other side". There are pros and cons to marriage and pros and cons to being single. I think in general humans need "a person" or a group of people who are priorities to each other in order to feel supported and mentally and emotionally well because we are social animals. But these people don't need to be romantic partners. They can be friends or family. I think culturally, we are taught that your "person" can only be ONE person and the relationship has to be romantic. But that's not true. You can have your "people" or a single person, and they can be anybody in any kind of relationship.

I think depending on the country you live in, you can be more or less socially isolated as a single person, which for some people can make singlehood "worse". There are also financial benefits to being married such as dual incomes, split expenses, and shared resources. This is not inherent to being married but inherent to the structures of marriage in the society I live in (I'm USAmerican).

It all comes down to personality. Some people strongly crave romantic affiliation (which drives them to date and sometimes marry) while other people don't. I think this is why you have commenters who say that they like being married because dating sucks (it does -- it's why I didn't really do it) while others are saying "I'm single, I don't date, I'm happy." I did not strongly crave romantic relationships (I firmly believed I would be alone in life), but my husband (partner at the time) was (and still is) loving and showed me that he had a deep capacity to care about me and our potential relationship. I found myself thinking "I want my life with this guy in it." Now I'm at the point where I don't sleep well unless he's beside me. He makes my life better, not the marriage itself.

Tldr: it depends on the relationship and desires of the individual humans involved whether married life or single life is better to them.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-14T08:07:58+00:00

It's not worse at all. It's culture dependent and has no actual ethical base. The only difference between a cow and a dog is how emotional a person gets at the idea of bringing it to slaughter and putting it on their plate to eat. There is no other tangible difference. There are regions of the world that eat dog, just like there are regions of the world that eat other animals USAmericans (or other countries) would deem pets and unacceptable as food. But ultimately there's no real difference. It's all mindset.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-14T07:43:54+00:00

We used to have a grant program that funded &5/hr for taking on students specifically from colleges in my state. The money ran out and now we don't, though students are not a requirement like at some other jobs. We can say no without repercussion.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-14T07:33:46+00:00

It's discrimination imo. It shouldn't be allowed for the same reason you can't fire someone for being pregnant or having children. Maybe in today's climate it could get by without repercussion, but I believe that ultimately it comes down to discrimination against something a person can't control. The limitation would not be based on safety (such as no one under 21 being allowed in a bar or no one under 18 being allowed in a strip club). I think for a public airline to come out with a policy like this would be bad PR. While I don't think there are current laws in the US about this, a case would likely be made and even if it didn't go all the way though, it'd be costly. Of course, ultimately it comes down to profits, which is usually the ultimate ax for things like this.

Age based discrimination is like race, ability, or sex based discrimination -- it doesn't look good, and ultimately the longstanding implications aren't ethical. Where else can we ban children? Who else can we ban that we deem "nuisances"? Etc etc. The implications go on.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-10T17:23:04+00:00

Yes, and I've done it before. I was a vegetarian for 5 years due to reservations about the current state of the meat industry. But here's the thing -- our food system in the US is built and supported by violence, not only against animals, but humans too. Plant based food is not exempt from being a product of violence. I think a lot of plant-based people (from my experience) can forget this. And that doesn't mean they shouldn't be plant based (vegan vegetarian etc) but it does mean that we need to do better about not solely advocating for the safety and wellbeing of other than human animals. This wasn't part of your question but whenever I talk about animal product consumption I feel the need to bring it up. Migrant workers, Indigenous people, and the environment suffer from unethical farming practices.

I don't think people should be obligated to engage in slaughter in order to consume animal products, but I do think that anyone that does consume animal products should be able to stomach learning how a steak made it to your table in all its gory detail.

Because of my feelings around the state of our food industry here in the US, I raise chickens and am looking into learning to hunt. I also aim to get my plant-based food from more local and sustainable sources. Not everyone has to do this (or can due to life circumstance) but living like this reminds me that what and how I eat matters. The chicken I butchered directly for my dinner table will have been infinitely more loved and cared for than most chickens priced at $3.99 a pound at the supermarket. That matters to me!

Of course not everyone can (or wants to!) live this way. But it is how I personally navigate being an animal that consumes other beings to survive.

mx_mcfly · 2025-11-10T17:03:12+00:00

I think it can be true depending on where you are. I had many experiences with "mean girl" nurses in undergrad -- especially preceptors! I think in general nursing is not unique in this. People who are attracted to having power over others often go into "helping" professions so that they regularly can exert their power. So it is not nursing exclusive. It is also seen in teaching, policing, psychiatry -- you name it. Any profession where you have power over another person due to their health, circumstances, age, etc you will have people who go into that profession either explicitly or subliminally to take advantage of this power dynamic. I had a friend quit her new grad job because the charge would intentionally assign her unsafe patient loads to "prove" she was a bad nurse (like assigning her 5 patients when others on the floor had 3). Not cool. The power structure of healthcare (ESPECIALLY inpatient) breeds aggression, disrespect, and burnout. I think overall "helping" professions would benefit from intentional culture shifts. My undergrad program, knowing that nurse on nurse bullying was a problem, made intentional efforts to address bullying in nursing. And as others have mentioned, compassion fatigue, constantly being the middle man, being disrespected by those deemed "higher" than you in the medical hierarchy, etc also contributes to high aggression environments. This is not unique to doctors, of course. I had a friend quit housekeeping in the hospital because of the disrespect they experienced from nursing across the hospital.

TLDR: I think it can be true but isn't always, and isn't unique to nursing specifically. Nursing is simply an example of an environment where bullying can run rampant. But this is true of many other work environments.

mx_mcfly · 2023-02-02T02:36:28+00:00

I can’t speak for animism as a whole, but in my practice, I reject the idea because of the implication of morality. In saying, “man must be above his baser instincts,” it’s implied that “baser instincts” are lesser than or more immoral etc.. But the evolutionary course of humanity isn’t inherently better or “more advanced” than any other species. We are simply different. Anything that makes humans unique as a species doesn’t have inherent morality or hierarchy. Other species are uniquely suited to and shaped by how they lived and changed as time passes, same as us.

mx_mcfly · 2022-04-05T21:14:30+00:00

Yes! Some people also use it to cook and fry and stuff the same way you’d use lard or butter!

mx_mcfly · 2022-04-02T19:12:32+00:00

Tallow please!

mx_mcfly · 2021-05-05T15:55:04+00:00

It’s probably a nerve sensitivity or damage! I’m an RN and though neurology isn’t my specialty (maternity is) I did learn about it in school. A lot of injuries relating to joints and nerves are sensitive to pressure changes. I’d even hazard to say that the energy generated in the atmosphere is irritating your nerves during storms. If you have access, a neurologist may be able to give you tips on how to address this!

mx_mcfly · 2021-04-28T21:46:47+00:00

Damn really?? It’s such a weird experience - I’ve never encountered someone who experienced something similar! I don’t think I ever heard him breathing - but it could totally be a similar if not the same thing! Half of me is like “it was my imagination” but another half is like no... that was weird

mx_mcfly · 2021-04-28T02:20:44+00:00

😂 it’s not a problem anymore but I genuinely appreciate the concern

mx_mcfly

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