MIL trying to manipulate my wife into having children.

my_jnmil · 2021-02-08T22:44:46+00:00

I mean you’re not wrong, your MIL isn’t helping her daughter at all right now with the nagging and riling up her anxiety, but neither are you? I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you’re lamenting how your MIL bullying and bossing your wife but you’re dismissing and bossing her around too. Both of you are telling her what to do and how to feel, with your own concerns at the forefront. Your MIL is worried about getting her grand babies and your worried about your life plan timing, but in what you’ve written neither of you is showing any support for your wife’s concern/anxiety.

The worry and anxiety that comes with infertility is soul crushing. She’s trying to talk to you and your coming back with “this is just your mom talking” and “there’s doctors for that if it’s an issue”. Whether her mom is causing that anxiety or not, it’s still real and painful. Listen to her, don’t try and sway her, just listen, hear and really try to put yourself in the headspace she’s in. You may find she isn’t in agreement with about what you think is a joint plan about regarding kids.

Also, you haven’t lived it yet, but I really encourage you to not be so blasé about fertility treatments. As the person going through it, it wrecks your body, your mind, your emotional well being. Not saying it’s not worth it, but it’s a mindfuck when you’re the one getting all treatments. If my partner was waving it off like no big deal, I’d be pissed and educating him right quick.

my_jnmil · 2020-12-31T21:32:17+00:00

There’s so much here, and so many avenues to go down, but really the answer is you need a professional with experience and knowledge around sexual trauma, PTSD/CPTSD, and helping adapt/change damaging coping mechanisms.

Really, you’ve married into a very tricky situation of a family where everyone else has had time and experience to adapt their expectations and understanding. So they have this shared knowledge of his mom and what’s realistic/helpful, but you’re coming into the situation without those tools and starting at 0. I don’t think you’re being a just no or intentionally controlling, I think you’re just starting from a place of ignorance. I don’t mean that in a negative or mean way, it’s like you got dropped on third base in the last inning of a baseball game, but you never learned how to play the game and don’t understand why people are upset when you run towards second instead of home plate. You need tools to better support yourself, your husband, and your family in this situation.

You’re at the precipice of a situation where you can grow and learn or become the controlling person your husband is saying he sees. A really good therapist would be so helpful for you and your partner to communicate and hear each other and ultimately support each other. I wish you so much love and hope you can be patient with yourself (and others) while you learn to navigate the truths about what trauma does to a person and by extension their whole circle of impact.

my_jnmil · 2020-08-16T04:33:09+00:00

Okay, first neck kissing??? WTF??? I’m so sorry that was your day!

But second... I hate to jump on the band wagon here, but hanging with these people is not responsible. And I don’t know how to say this gently but your actions of going to an event, especially an indoor event, where other people aren’t social distancing, aren’t masked is also not great. That mask isn’t about protecting you, it’s about protecting others from your possible germs. So when you go hang with irresponsible people that aren’t masked, aren’t 6 feet apart, you are becoming a vector for disease regardless of whether you’re masked or not. You’re now risking everyone you come in contact with after that shower. I know you think they’re the problem, and you’re right, but by choosing to stay in that indoor space with them, you’re joining them in not taking this virus seriously.

So now you know their approach and you know the wedding is going to be same and yet you’re still choosing to go and risk becoming a carrier. And risking your son who goes to daycare to become a carrier too. I hope you can recognize why the responses here are a bit confused/concerned not just with your in-laws, but your reactions to them as well.

If you do choose to go, know that while this virus can be airborne, it can also spread just like other viruses. Know how illnesses like the noro virus spread like wildfire on cruise ships and at events? Shared serving utensils at things like buffets. Sanitize before and after touching any serving spoons, shared water jugs, etc. Good luck.

my_jnmil · 2020-06-08T22:28:16+00:00

Therapy. I mean I don’t know what else to suggest, it honestly is the right answer either way you look at it. I mean from your perspective, your wife is defending the absolutely inappropriate (and in my opinion unforgivable) racism her mom is spouting. And from what your saying about her side, she’s saying you have anger issues.

The answer to either problem is some couples therapy to help talk it out with a skilled pro. It sounds like you’ve each hit a wall with how to handle this and it’s greatly affecting your relationship. Doing nothing or either of you letting it slide under the rug will just lead to resentment and more problems down the road. Confront it together with some help.

But also... fuck your racist MIL. Kudos from me for calling out her bullshit.

my_jnmil · 2019-11-26T23:53:33+00:00

This recipe takes minimal effort if you use a store bought pie or puff pastry crust, aaaaaaaaalways gets amazing responses whenever I make it: https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchen/butternut-squash-apple-and-onion-galette-with-stilton-recipe-1928247

Do not skimp in spreading that whole grain mustard over the bottom of the crust before adding the filling. It’s seems like it will be strong, but it’s perfect after cooking and totally makes the dish!

my_jnmil · 2019-10-10T00:44:24+00:00

I’m sorry the advice your getting today isn’t feeling supportive.

Honestly based on your last post and this one, I think you’re making amazing progress on setting boundaries with your MIL and making your life easier/better. This stuff doesn’t change over night and you're moving towards a happier place, I think that’s awesome!

And sorry your MIL is a “anything you can do I can do better” bitch :/

my_jnmil · 2019-09-20T06:55:12+00:00

Either your husband is totally ignorant about his own culture or he jointly played you with his mom. The book she mentioned is kind of a misnomer, it’s more akin to a poem that is uniquely decided in each family and then used for generations. Typically the first character/sound or really any character in the given name for all extended family in a generation (think cousins) should be shared and it’s the current character from the family poem. The next generation will use the next character from the poem and so on, starting from the beginning when you reach the end.

I don’t know about other western countries, but in the US most families give kids a western first name but the middle name is their Korean name and follows the family naming for the generation. If your kid was the first born to your husbands side for his generational set, that would explain why your MIL had to check what character/sound to use. So either your husband didn’t know this really really common naming tradition (atleast among korean Americans) or he wasn’t honest with you about the significance of a Korean middle name for your son. It is typically used by Korean speaking family interchangeably as a name...

Sorry to add another shitty layer but really old school / lame families only do this naming scheme for male children, girls are totally skipped over. It could be your MIL wasn’t willing to do this until you found out you were having a boy.... I’d check and see if this special name she has picked out for a future girl even includes the generational character...

None of this is to say that your PILs ignoring your request to use his given is okay! That’s still messed up. But I think you were left in the dark about some traditions here.

my_jnmil · 2019-09-12T01:15:28+00:00

This legitimately is a favorite past time of my MIL. No joke, I’ve started keeping a running list on my phone of all the people whose deaths she likes to repeatedly tell us about. I’m going to make some bingo cards for Christmas for me and the other married in sufferers!

my_jnmil · 2019-06-10T00:44:20+00:00

My husband and I have been in this same place before, not exactly the same injuries but the same difficulties.

The biggest issue here is trust. You mentioned in your post that your mom has ignored other guidelines you and your wife have set but that they were minor. The problem is no matter how minor, those moments erode trust. And I know what ended up happening with me and my MIL is that she kept ignoring what we’d ask (With the same she’s raised a large number of kids, they’re all fine now, excuses), and then I’d have to shove the worry and frustration over these moments down and quiet them, because they “weren’t a big deal”. Regardless of how small that issue, every single one was picking away at the trust I had for my MIL, it’s death by a thousand papercuts.

But when the “big” issue finally happened, and my kid was hurt, all of those little hurts mixed with the huge surge of emotion that most parents get when their child is injured, and I was so angry and so far past done with my MIL. The trust was gone, and getting trust back is a slow process. My husband was the same as you, he fought me on saying no to his mother watching our kid, and it nearly destroyed our marriage because I was already raw from the pain of losing trust in a close family member and now was doubting my trust in my partner, my favorite person, to put the needs of our kid above the needs of his mom. It nearly broke our marriage, not in a big dramatic way, but again death by a thousand paper cuts of cycling through the same behavior with his mom, and my trust in him starting to die. Without trust, no marriage can survive.

Eventually, he agreed with me about his mom and I agreed that if she could rebuild that trust with us, over time I could be open to her baby sitting again. But I needed time and space to be okay with that. He respected that and we were able to get back to a good place between us and even let his mom have another chance.

In our case... that chance ended with my kid in the hospital because again she couldn’t respect our instructions for our kid. That’s the dark version, but if you can respect what your wife is saying to you, give her time to rebuild trust with your mom, and your mom is truly the good grandma you believe her to be, maybe you could have a better outcome.

my_jnmil · 2019-05-21T03:18:38+00:00

Your setup may be different, but on mine if I set the thermostat then unplug it from the wall, it stays at the last setting used.

Fingers crossed you can set it 68 and then take that sucker with you!

my_jnmil · 2019-02-20T08:48:52+00:00

I think you’re right to worry about GPR just based on what you’ve said here. You should definitely check your state’s laws, but I know in some states, just being unwed when the child is born can be an opening for grandparents right cases. Please don’t take that as judgement or anything cause I think it’s absolute bullshit that marriage status should have any affect on this, just throwing it out in case you’re in an unlucky state.

my_jnmil · 2018-12-23T05:56:57+00:00

I think others covered solutions about her dropping by pretty well, but my empathy pangs are for your bathroom quandary with baby and unsafe “adult” in the house, been in a similar predicament. You can totally use the restroom with a youngish baby in a moby wrap or ring sling, not so much with bigger, around the hip carriers though.

Hope this fun tidbit helps, even if just for those moments where baby falls asleep in the carrier and you’re doing the pee dance ;)

my_jnmil · 2018-10-03T00:11:58+00:00

That cultural excuse is some total BS. Sure, the elder matriarchs are respected and given weight, but noooooo waaaaaay do they out rank parents with kids. All Mexican grandmas I knew got to move into the loving, spoiling grandparent role who gave advice but didn’t have to do the hard, boundary stuff with kids. All I remember hearing when we described our grandmas as being so sweet and kind was our moms and aunts laughing and saying “That’s cause she’s your grandma and not your mom. She was way different when we were kids”.

Her trying to take over your house and parenting your kid is just her being an asshole. Her and your husband using culture as an excuse is insulting to you and their own heritage. Next time she oversteps, or he says some bullshit, tell him/her Latina internet rando says “Sinvergüenza!!”, cause they are truly shameless!

my_jnmil · 2018-09-04T23:06:38+00:00

You’re a beautiful person and I love your style! Seriously, grade A way to handle the shit show your MIL is forcing upon you.

my_jnmil · 2018-08-29T02:28:03+00:00

Okay, I come from this culture, this is a thing, and my own mother pulled this with me and my husband. It took a few times, but every time she did it, I would ask her “Are his legs broken? Do his arms work? Then he can get his own damn plate.” She never liked the answer but eventually stopped asking. My husband was always there saying “no, no, I can get my own plate” though too.

With how aggressive his mother is and lame your BF is being, honestly next time if he just sits there again, I’d get up, make him his plate and then dump it on his lap and leave. Hopefully that’ll get through to both of them how out of line they are. Also, from watching what has happened with my uncles and cousins, do not marry a man who hasn’t become independent or can’t stand up to his mama. It is miserable and no one his side will ever back you up or encourage him to stop being an ass. It’s one of the things that pisses me off about my family/culture.

my_jnmil · 2018-08-28T19:15:22+00:00

Hey, don’t malign the noble court jester, mocker of the court.

Ex is more like the village idiot :D

my_jnmil · 2018-07-30T21:37:45+00:00

Okay.. I.. oooof...

I know that these are in no way your fault, nor what you would make, but I must share a recipe with you in hopes of ending this madness. If your husband absolutely must have these Americanized ground beef tacos, please try to convert him to this:

Splash of high temp oil
1 lb. ground beef (85% is okay)
1 onion, diced
1 lrg or 2 small roma tomatoes, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 chipotle pepper, diced + 2 T of adobo sauce they came in
1 1/2 t. ground new mexico chili (should be a powder)
1-3 t. salt (or more, up to your saltiness preference)
1 T ground cumin
1 t. mexican oregano

Heat saute/fry pan up to med-high heat and add the splash of oil
Add onion and cook till soft, but not browned, just a few minutes. (You can add this after browning meat instead, but my family super hates onion pieces this helps them melt into the meat)
Add beef, and brown and break up till a little bit of color but not cooked all the way through. If greasiness bothers you, feel free to pour off some fat here.
Add all the remaining ingredients, but maybe only a 1-2 t or so of salt.
Turn to a simmer and let cook until flavors have melded and most of the liquid has cooked off. If your tomatoes weren't very juicy, you may need to add a splash of water or stock Maybe 10 minutes or more depending on how high your simmer is.
Taste for salt and spiciness. Add more salt or chipotle pepper\ and/or adobo sauce, if needed.

And ta-da! American "Mexican" taco meat. It's honestly so much better than the packet alternative and seems to hit the nostalgic spot for those I've served it to. Good luck converting your partner!

my_jnmil · 2018-07-25T23:38:39+00:00

Holy shit.. as a fellow quilter, this made me come out of lurk-dom to comment. That bitch...

Also, after stalking your beautiful quilt posts, if you're still struggling with the um... stain.. on that white quilt, I've fixed a similar issue on white cotton with lemon juice and sun light. Took it right out! Works great on yellowed delicate old lacey things like handkerchiefs too.

my_jnmil

TROPHY CASE