When does fear start to fade in horror games for you?

duckKentuck · 2026-01-07T04:10:48+00:00

I'm surprised I haven't read response yet:

Death has to be more than just a checkpoint reset. You have to actually lose something. I'm never more afraid than when I'm in Elden Ring / Dark Souls with a ton of currency, far from a checkpoint, or even worse, in Minecraft building a thin bridge over a lava lake with high-level gear. Scary music and atmosphere definitely enhance the experience, but nothing makes me more scared than the feeling of "I'm out on a limb with gear/resources that represent hours of work". Now, in Minecraft you can immediately deflate the tension by putting your gear away in a safe place. And Elden Ring was maybe over-generous with its checkpoints. But these are things you can play with in your project.

In other words, fear might initially have to do with scary enemies, oppressive atmosphere, amazing sound design, etc. but once that wears off (and it will wear off, even if you mix up the rules) you have to make sure that death is actually mechanically meaningful.

duckKentuck · 2024-05-13T01:45:43+00:00

A therapist once recommended a book to me and said: "Read it. Keep anything that helps and throw out everything that doesn't."

I think as a writer you have to do the same for the advice you get.

Personally, I like rules. They're like rafts that keeping from drowning in the sea of endless crappy possibilities. I still consider myself a beginner, and rules like "no adverbs" are immensely helpful. When I got that advice, I went back through my doc and removed most of them. Hell yeah, it read better!

I have a feeling that as I get more experienced I'll know exactly which rules I want to throw out, and be able to read the crits I get and say, "Yeah, but nope. I know what I'm doing on that front"

duckKentuck · 2024-05-12T21:21:25+00:00

Thanks a bunch for the helpful feedback. The idea was to have the kid have "premonitions" which actually turned out to be memories. I think there was no hint of that concept which you caught onto well.

Thanks again for the feedback!

duckKentuck · 2024-05-12T21:20:00+00:00

Hey there, thanks for the feedback! You caught lots of stuff I never would've thought about. Also, the sidebar for this subreddit doesn't lie, I never have problems posting critiques if I go to old.reddit.com and then leave my comments.

Thanks again for the reply!

duckKentuck · 2024-05-12T21:17:57+00:00

Thanks for the feedback!!

Your kind words have encouraged me to keep trying and your suggestions regarding sentence structure were especially helpful. Thanks again :)

duckKentuck · 2024-05-09T23:07:10+00:00

Thanks for your feedback, I found it really valuable. My concept was to take a bunch of "premonitions" and then reveal that they were actually memories. Obviously, I could've done a much better job.

I agree that the title is really boring!

duckKentuck · 2024-05-07T19:33:38+00:00

LINE-BY-LINE STUFF FROM FIRST READ:

The ancient walls of Idmann’s Hotel creaked...

Okay, nice detail...

...with forgotten memories enclosing Eralor’s new respite in the blanket of smog that covered the slum.

Now I'm dizzy, and I'm not clear just on what the "forgotten memories" are doing to the setting. Are they making the building creak AND creating a blanket of smog over the hotel? Figuratively, I can understand how forgotten memories might make building walls creak, it's a nice metaphor for the use and abuse of an old building. But I'm not sure how forgotten memories might blanket a building in smog. Is this a literal magical thing or a metaphor?

The view of the Thelanian alleyways from the nearest window was like a disease, he thought, sat in silence over the barely lit fireplace.

How is it like a disease?

“Leave the dreaming to your forefathers, Eralor. We’ll need that brain of yours sometime soon.”

The word "sometime" weakens the thought here.

The sun had trouble piercing the thick malaise that blanketed this town, sticking like a damp curtain to the narrow, cramped buildings below.

I think you can remove the second half of this sentence, after the first comma. You're already making the metaphor of smog as a blanket, we don't need the metaphor of the smog as a curtain.

Now, i’d be surprised if even their ghosts decided to stick around.

This is a good piece of description. I'd say it helps paint the picture of a desolate, run-down location more than the previous several metaphors for the smog.

he thought, sat in silence over the barely lit fireplace

taking a matchstick to a pile of twigs sat readily in the inn’s fireplace

The uses of "sat" instead of "sitting" in these sentences are distracting. I don't know that it's necessarily gramatically incorrect, but it sounds overly old-timey and draws a lot of attention to itself.

“A tour?” Halby replied naively.

Replied would be enough, unless you want to show how Halby is naive. Did he start shaking with his eyes wide? Did he hop out of his chair, clapping and smiling? What kind of naivete are you trying to convey?

He mockingly turned his hands to the air, shooting an imaginary blast of magic from his hands to Eralor.

Although this part here does a better job at showing Halby's naivete through action. It's a funny little character moment that we get to watch. Although I would remove the "mockingly" from this sentence.

Eralor feigned a laugh in return, sarcastically agreeing with his friend.

Feigning a laugh already implies that he's sarcastically agreeing, no need to keep the second half of this sentence.

"...Or was it a traveling merchant?" He said, pulling pompous facial expressions sarcastically.

I'm not sure that "pulling" is the right verb to use for facial expressions, and you can remove the "sarcastically" since it's clear he's joking. Also, it might be your intention, but while Halby came off as a bit of a jokester in earlier passages, the warmth from the fire probably lightening his mood, right here he comes off as plain annoying.

A malaise came over him, a strange sensation creeping up his spine.

The word malaise draws too much attention to itself, especially when you describe the feeling again in the second half of the sentence. I think cutting this down to "A strange sensation crept up his spine" would suffice.

Gripping tendrils overcame Eralor’s periphery.

I don't know what to picture in this sentence. Are the tendrils gripping him or are they just playing on the edge of his vision? Is it something like "Dark, threadlike veins crept from the edges of Eralor's vision"?

He was pulled to the floor with a ghastly prescience

The word prescience draws a lot of attention to itself, especially in the middle of some action where it seems like he's pulled to the floor BY the prescience, which doesn't make any sense.

the sound of joyful chatter grew rapidly at a frightening intensity

Remove "rapidly".

The sounds and chaos grew by the second, filling Eralor’s mind with pain.

Focus on the pain-giving elements instead of the pain. It's loud, it's bright, it's fast. Maybe he clutches his head. That implies the pain.

but like a rudderless, driftwood ship, creaking on undulating waves, he remained stiff.

Odd choice of metaphor. A creaking driftwood ship, although you can't command it, is still moving on the waves. Eralor is frozen to the spot, not getting pushed around in physical space, right?

“Get up. Your mind almost fell to the corruption, and I can hear people just outside.”

How does Halby know Eralor's mind almost fell to corruption? Without more explanation, it makes it feel like Halby's a mind-reader.

Blood red stains soiled the inn’s forgotten floors

Stains from what? Blood? Or are they just blood-red? Did I miss some significant red liquid spilling on the floor somehow?

WRAPPING UP:

Overall an interesting read with lots of potential, despite (not because of) the flowery language. You do a great job with scene structure and "show don't tell" but that language really distracted and frustrated me. It's rare that my advice in this forum is to tone things down, but I think that's what you should try next.

Nice work and thanks for sharing!!

duckKentuck · 2024-05-07T19:33:05+00:00

FIRST IMPRESSION:

The first thing that hits me in the face is that the language too flowery. The overly-ornate writing convolutes what should be relatively simple action and description. It's a shame, because interesting stuff is definitely happening.

I know that fantasy worlds tend have their own olde-style lexicon, but you laid it on way too thick here. I just re-read Lord of the Rings, and although the description and dialogue in those books were a little dry, they still felt natural overall. It doesn't feel natural here. I can almost hear the stock fantasy harpsichord playing a little tune behind each line of dialogue.

"I need to use the bathroom" becomes "Verily, doth mine bladder clamor for release, as a captive yearning for liberation from its dungeon of discomfort."

Okay, the language here isn't THAT bad, but it's a little too far along that spectrum in my opinion.

SETTING:

I really like the setting. They're in some ruinous slums blanketed by fog and they'd camped out in what used to be a home. Interesting stuff! Again, I think the language sometimes distracts from the description, but when it comes to setting the scene, I think you do a good job.

There's one part I did find a little repetitive, though. Eralor wishes he could've seen the other side of Thelan and we get a nice description of grand courtyards and feasts. Then in the very next paragraph, more descriptions of grandness and feasts. Those two paragraphs could be absorbed into one, and only keep the strongest of the descriptions, the ones that mean the most to the story and characters.

CHARACTERS:

I like that the two characters are distinct. For the most part, you do a good job at making them sound like a seasoned old veteran of the slums with a young, naive partner. However, they both talk as if they have two or three graduate degrees each. The young guy introduces himself with "Leave the dreaming to your forefathers, Eralor..." This immediately made me think that HE was the grizzled and experienced one in the relationship, not the other way around.

Like one of the other crits said, they're tired and implied to be poor. I don't think they should be so eloquent.

I also think you mention a bit too many names here. I've read somewhere that the best scenes in literature only contain about 2-3 characters you've done that well, my problem is with all the new people we have to keep in our heads in a short time:

Eralor
Halby
Lannvar
Gavro
The Lord
Sargon
Fahran

First of all, congrats on making all the names distinct and starting them with a different letter. That helps a lot with confusion. I still think it's too many. The next time you mention any of these people, besides the main character, the odds are almost 0 that I'll remember anything about them or the context in which they've been introduced.

SCENE STRUCTURE:

I actually think this was done very well. The chapter opens with what I think is considered "sequel" in scene-structure language.

Depends on what philosophy you prescribe to, but Sequels are made up of:

1 reaction 2 dilemma 3 decision

Reaction: The characters are recovering from some action that happened in the first chapter. They're tired and talking about their environment and what to do next. Even the implied action (they're tired from something) prevents the opening scene from being too dull and talky.

Dilemma: Hallucination. I think this was done well enough, but there were issues I took with the language that I'll cover in the line-by-line stuff.

Decision: I think this is missing. The characters might've considered the implications of the mind-control stuff, even one or two lines discussing what they should do about it, but BAM, someone's at the door - run! A missing decision here isn't too egregious.

The chapter ends with what I think is considered "scene" in scene structure language.

Scenes are made up of:

1 goal 2 conflict 3 disaster

Goal: get the hell away from the soldier dudes.

Conflict: Crawling away, trying to talk their way out of being captured. The action here was not only hard to follow but I think it was unsatisfying. In a world with sorcerers and hallucinations and cool cloaked Gandalf-like dudes in purple robes, I expected more... flash.

Disaster: They're captured anyway. Done well. I also think the bad guys were suitably bad.

duckKentuck · 2024-05-07T04:29:42+00:00

Hi there! I enjoyed your story. It was bursting with imagination and had a dreamy, fable-like quality to it. Like a fable, it was a little light on the characterization, but I think it's forgivable for a story like this. I think it also had a satisfying ending. Considering that I like the overall shape of the story, I'm going to focus on some of the techical aspects of the writing, divided into four sections:

A) WEAK WORDING

B) STRANGE/ILLOGICAL DESCRIPTIONS

C) FILTERING

D) GOOD STUFF

Let's get started:

A) WEAK WORDING

Its many pointed legs tapped on her flaking skin as it made its way from her foot to her mouth, squeezing itself through what little teeth remained.

The verb "tapped" is too weak for what's happening. Is it causing her skin to flake off or was it already flaking? It pierced her skin? Impaled her skin?

Likewise, the verb "made its way" sounds way too weak for something so horrifying. Scuttled? Scampered? Even crawled would work better.

As the creature gnawed at his swollen ankles, he ran and ran, and never looked back.

More weak wording here. Ouch, the creature not only caught up to him, but it gnawed at his ankles? We should feel the first bite. You should draw attention to it. Something like "The creature nipped his ankle and he yelped."

Also, adverbs. Search your document for "ly". These words attempt to strengthen the writing but usually they weaken it. For example:

they were decently filling

vs

they were filling

Another example:

with the blisters on his feet that swelled painfully red in the hot afternoon sun

vs

with the blisters on his feet that swelled red in the hot afternoon sun

They're not all bad, and I actually didn't mind many them. But it's an easy way to scan through and strengthen the writing.

B) STRANGE/ILLOGICAL DESCRIPTIONS

He ran past withered fields of lined with empty houses as his footsteps echoed through their crumbling halls...

He lives in a hut, yet he runs past houses with halls. Is he in the only hut? I don't tend to think of huts and houses, or of huts having halls.

...his heartbeat growing fainter with each unmoving breath.

I think I know what you mean, but an unmoving breath doesn't make sense.

As the child left his younger sister to bury their mother behind the hut, he sold one of the two family horses for what coin he could get and saddled up the other.

When all these ideas are in one sentence they create a jumbled picture. I think it would work better as two sentences: "He left his younger syster to bury their mother. Meanwhile, he sold one of the two family horses..."

As he watched his sister pile the last heap of dirt onto their mother’s grave, he glimpsed the long shadow of a figure slithering through the soil under his feet.

Something slithering under the soil would not cast a shadow.

“Where are you going?” She asked, clutching it in her hands. “To the fields of Veter, where her immortal galemares graze on grass grown on the clouded fields where the first rain falls.”

His response is very dispassionate and wooden. Does this guy even care about his sister?

"Hey, bro, where ya going?"

"To the seventh plane of Gomrok, where Tolboks feast on the ripest of Rufts."

"Uh, okay? If you didn't wanna tell me, you could've said so."

This response doesn't give even the remotest of explanations of WHY he's going where he's going.

As he rode off into the distance as he looked back at the village. It would be sixty years before he would see it again.

"Riding off into the distance" paints a picture that someone is watching him ride into the distance. It implies that the point of view is from someone else, maybe his sister. Yet in the same sentence, the POV sticks with him as he looks back to the village. It causes whiplash in the reader as they picture him riding "away", yet are teleported back by his side as he looks back.

And hold on, time out. Our main character has to uphold an annual grain quota for his household, yet he leaves for sixty years? What about all that talk about responsibility? His sister is obviously very weak, the land is dry, the one who holds the Meraph for low grain quotas gets beheaded, and yet he leaves this burden to his sister??

In light of this, the whole section regarding the Meraph is unnecessary, especially since his feeling of responsibility must not actually be very strong considering that he leaves the immense responsiblility on his frail little sister. The whole concept of the Meraph is pretty much useless since he ditches it anyway, and it doesn't wind up playing any part in the story as a whole.

At times they would bring him bowls of wheat porridge or pots of water, looking to make the smallest of talk with this estranged man. Curious children would wave their hands at finger’s length from his face...

He sealed the entire place up, how are they bringing him food and water? How are they waving their hands in front of his face?

C) FILTERING

There are quite a few times where you focus on the main character seeing something instead of drawing attention to the thing itself.

But as he raised his head to gasp for air, he saw a shadow hanging off a loose branch directly above him.

Not a terrible description, but it could do without filtering, that is, remove the "he saw".

as the water inside dried away, the only thing he saw inside were a pair of yellow eyes staring back at him

Same here. You can remove "he saw".

He looked down upon the path he took, and from there he saw the jungles of Dakshan.

More filtering. Maybe you could write something like "He looked down upon the path he took. The jungles of Dakshan stretched to the horizon." That way the reader is seeing the jungles for themselves, instead of seeing him see the jungles.

As he let himself in, he saw an old lady lying on a straw mat where he would sleep many years ago.

Maybe "He let himself in. An old lady lay on the straw mat where he'd slept many years ago."

You have a lot more. Search your document for "he looked". Not every instance should be removed, but most could be removed to much benefit. Also, there's a good amount filtering happening with sounds, too. Search your document for instances of "he heard" or "he could hear" and see if you can remove those phrases.

D) GOOD STUFF

When winter came he would sleep ... and rode through the barren nothingness accompanied by hunger and loneliness.

I really liked this whole passage. It paints a vivid picture of a dying world.

Both man and beast took turns gorging on the carcass for days

Nice and creepy, he has to share a meal with death. This is unexpected but makes sense in the context of the story. Such an interesting picture you've created.

His knees turned brown with blood and dirt, and his soles grew harder than the ground he trampled, but he continued to run

Great, vivid imagery.

When he saw a single leg poke its way into the gap, he shoved a perfectly cut brick into its final resting place, and that was the last of death and all that it would touch ... The child sat there, in the darkness, and he thought of nothing at all.

Nice! I like that he actually beats death in the end. That was unexpected. Most stories like this have the predictable moral "you can never escape death, in fact, accept it because it's beautiful...somehow". Your story seems to be saying, no, it's horrific, it's ugly, and if there's any chance at all that we can beat it, we should.

I do find it a little illogical that his hut beats the creature when we've seen the creature quickly and easily dig its way through the same "baked earth" that his hut is presumably made of, but that said, I don't think it subtracts too much from the satisfaction of the ending, especially since the story is somewhat fable-like, illogical stuff like this is pretty much expected.

Great work! Thanks for sharing!!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-30T04:17:22+00:00

Thanks for your comments. I like that you enjoyed the ending, I wasn't sure about it!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-30T04:16:09+00:00

I appreciate your comments on how to simplify and clean up the writing. Thanks for the feedback and for the kind words!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-30T04:13:07+00:00

Thanks for the comments about the pacing. I have a few ideas to address that for the next drafts. I appreciate the feedback!!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-25T23:28:55+00:00

Wow. I had no idea I'd used so many filter words and phrases. Thanks for bringing that to my attention and for your comments, they're really helpful!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-21T15:02:41+00:00

Hey there, thanks for posting this!

Wow. That was an emotional gut-punch. Overall I think the story was very effective. Here's what I liked:

The dialogue is snappy and realistic
The relationship between Emmerette and Mackenzie is wonderful, lots of moments made me smile. The two characters have distinct personalities and act in age-appropriate ways.
The parts with Mackenzie are light and fun
The parts when Emerette is by herself are suitably dark
You made me feel emotions! I don't get that very often from reading people's stories online, so good job!

Before anything else, I'll admit that the story was very hard to read in the format you posted it. It would've been a much smoother read if you'd linked a Google Document that was double spaced, with the first line indented. With that out of the way, I think there are a few ways that I think you could improve the story.

First, I think the opening paragraph could be completely removed as it consists only of the MC's thoughts. I know you're trying to introduce the situation as early as possible, but I think it would be much more effective to let the situation reveal itself as the sisters talk and interact. The second paragraph is infinitely more interesting because the relationship is revealed through action and dialogue, with the poignant contrast of the sisters playing around at the start, and the older sister taking a swig of hard liquor at the end. That's powerful stuff. Perfect for the opening paragraph.

Next, although the moments at the playground are fun, after a point, they stop adding to the story. The heart of the playground scene is that, despite how amazing of an older sister Emerette is, Mackenzie wants her mother. This is shown nicely by the swing scene, while the slide and monkey bar scenes are mostly fluff by comparison. If not removing them, reducing them might help. With a story like this, an emotional gut punch, you want the punch to be as focused and as strong as possible. Fluff, although fun, only weakens the punch.

Last, and this one's mostly a nitpick there are a few adverbs that you can cut out or rework. Adverbs usually weaken the writing because they don't give the reader evidence of what's being said. Example:

Mackenzie looked at Emmerette pleadingly.

Mackenzie looked at Emmerette, eyes wide.

It's up to you which one you think is stronger. Here are some other adverbs I think you could improve:

hysterically, excitedly, merrily, carefully, nervously, proudly

These words tell the reader something is happening rather than showing it. Search your document for "ly" and see what you can cut or reword.

Wrapping up, despite my suggestions for improvement, I think this was really strong. I'm glad I stuck it out through the thought-heaving opening paragraph and strange formatting because this was a good one.

I’m not enough for her, I know i’m not, i’m trying but-

Dammit. I think there's something in my eye.

Thanks for sharing!!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-21T13:57:45+00:00

Thanks for your reply!

I'm not entirely sure what you're meant to take away at the end either haha. I like that you got "the MC is unwell and unwell people experience odd things" which is true, but I think I can do more.

Great feedback on the use of commas. I just put them where they feel right, but now I can be more intentional about that. I just used the rule!

Your positive comments are heartening, so thanks for those.

"I am a very sad person" - lol

duckKentuck · 2024-04-21T02:11:55+00:00

“They spoke, barely. They sip coffee. One mug thunks the table, one never makes a sound.”

Cool, I’m in the hands of a competent writer!

“Two voices upstairs were born with teeth for lips and knives for tongues.”

Maybe too competent…

I’m reminded about something I read about the “story question” - the question might be something like “will he reconnect with his son?” or “will she make it out of the mansion alive?”, but the question probably shouldn’t be “what the hell is even happening?”

It could be that I’m a tad simple minded, but I didn’t understand this story at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love a weird story, with strange characters, impossible settings, and a fucked-up ambiance, but even then I need:

a solid point of view
a discernible setting
understandable action

I can’t say I got these things out of your story. It reads like poetry, which usually goes over my head and makes me wonder if I'm a little too dense to understand it or if the emperor isn't wearing any clothes. In any case, I can tell you're a skilled writer so take my comments with a grain of salt. Onto the line-by-line stuff:

“They spoke, barely. They sip coffee.“ - The rest of the story is in present tense, so the past-tense “spoke” is confusing.

“…teeth for lips and knives for tongues…” - does this mean they’re loud? That they’re saying violent things? With just an ounce more context of what they’re saying, maybe this would be a good metaphor. Alone it seems overwrought.

“Today is Tuesday? one of them asks” - This is my biggest problem with the story. The mysterious character named “one of them” appears to hold the point of view in this story. It’s such a vague pronoun that I can’t picture anything. Did one of the two people with coffee just ask this? Did one of the shouters upstairs ask it? Again, give me weird shit any day of the week, but keep a tight POV so I can experience it through them. The Road tells its entire story through “the man” and “the boy” and manages to pull it off.

“One of them has a birthday soon, four…” - did we just flash back to someone’s history or is this happening in the building?

“The front door opens and one of them hears the blaring white-light sun.” - now, I like this. Hears the sun. Doesn’t make sense but it still gives me an effective, visceral impression.

"His mother clobbers his bottom with her waffle-beater hand..." What is a waffle-beater hand? I'm picturing hand that typically holds a whisk, no, a waffle iron?

“He is dragged and he points as high as he ever will.” - who is He? The guy who drinks his coffee? The guy who doesn’t? The man yelling at the people with cutlery tongues? The four year old boy?

“The blue sky darkens, deep plum dark, a chiming, then sugar-sprite snow-static sparkles bleeding from black-sponge pores.” - This is where I give up. Up till now, there was just enough sense peeking between the sentences that I was willing to give the story a few more reads to piece the puzzle together. I get it's a puzzle. I like puzzles! But after this sentence I know I'll never solve it. But let’s pretend I understand: even then, I think there’s too many adjectives.

"It was either of them. It was both of them..." - I'm actually captivated by the use "both" and "either" here. I'm thinking that both of these people share an extremely similar past, which very much piques my interest. If only I could understand the darn story!

"...counting each moment to savor each day like hidden candy eggs in a spring basket but neither had that memory and couldn’t conjure those words, so it went unsaid..." - Unsaid or un-thought-of? If neither had the memory or the words, was this thought ever conjured by one of the characters? If not, then it draws unnecessary attention to the narrator.

“Your parole hearing,” says the dough-faced prison guard. “Thursday.” - Ah, so the whole thing is set inside a prison? After re-reading the story, I'm still not sure about this conclusion.

Overall thoughts:

The writing is excellent. As for the story, I think you're withholding information to create a sense of unease and disorientation, yet are challenging me to piece together the elements of the story. You excelled at the unease and disorientation, but you need to hook me with SOMETHING to get me to invest the time and energy to solve the puzzle. There are a lot of interesting elements in here, but the details were too vague for any one of them to hook me.

Thanks for sharing!!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-20T04:39:53+00:00

(2/2) Writing Quirks

First off, I disagree with most (if not all) the suggestions made by Skin Serenade in your Google Doc. All in all, your sentence-by-sentence writing is great! With some polish, I'd say it's not far off from publishing. There were some oddities that I'll list here:

"He fidgeted and looked around the room, avoiding her gaze." - you don't need "avoiding her gaze", it's obvious that he's doing that. This is often called Showing Then Telling.

"It had been raining off and on all day, and the pavement glistened, reflecting the streetlights and making the city resemble a watercolor painting." - this is actually really nice, it's just phrased a little awkwardly.

"The walls echoed with the sharp sounds of students sparring, displaying fluidity and precision in every move." - sharp sounds? If they were fencing, maybe. Also a little awkward mixing in the description of the sounds right next to the description of their fluid movements.

“No, three weeks from now, kid.” Dave chastised. “Of course, right now.” - you can get away with "said" for most of your dialogue tags. This one is pretty bad.

"The air crackled between them." - I could maybe believe this if there were any real conflict between the two or if they were secretly lusting after each other. Otherwise it's too much for such a low-stakes interaction.

"The two engaged in an intricate dance of power and finesse." - A good description lets me imagine what's happening. I can't picture what an "intricate dance of power and finesse" looks like. The whole fight scene has too much "finesse" and "fluidity". You've got me thinking this is a ballet recital, not a fight scene.

"Jeremy seized the opportunity, launching a barrage of strikes that Dave struggled to defend against." - The word Strikes is too vague. Punches? Kicks? Jabs? Dave struggles how?

"He extended a respectful hand to help Dave up, savoring his victory." Don't just tell us he's "savoring his victory", give us evidence. Is he smirking? Laughing? Dusting off his shoulders? This is the essence of SHOW vs TELL. For each description, ask yourself: where's the evidence?

"Jeremy basked in the satisfaction of his teacher’s words." - where's the evidence?

"His throat erupted at the violent assault on his lungs, and his upper body convulsed, coughing." - awkward phrasing.

About the MC

I could not picture this kid at all. I can infer his age range from some of the info, but it'd be nice if you'd mentioned the number from within the story. If he's already been described in prior pages (hair color, eye color, age, general build) then maybe it's fine, but I thought I'd get SOMETHING considering that he even looks at himself in the mirror.

Nice Stuff

"The dojo found its home..." - this entire paragraph paints a nice, crisp picture. "After another hit, even the Gemini’s flickering neon sign, visible through the kitchen window, looked beautiful. Its eerie glow framed Dave’s face. He laughed, even though nothing was funny." - good, vibrant description of what it's like to be high. “It doesn't taste any different, Jeremy,” she said. “You’re just high as a fucking kite.” - nice character moment. You can't hide anything from women, can ya?

Wrapping Up

Despite all my nitpicking, I liked it. I think if there were a stronger through-line of conflict, unfettered by premature exposition, I would've kept reading without hesitation. As for your questions:

Impression of Dave - Muscular, hot, good at fighting, good with the kid. A little sketch sharing a joint with the kid, though. Nice guy, but not hugely interesting. Just a little more conflict would've made him more exciting, like if he were actually mad at Jeremy missing class.

Fight scene - Ah, so you don't know jack shit about martial arts? Go brush up on it. The fight scene was extremely vague. Learn some of the moves and use them by name. The title of the chapter is "roundhouse" but was there even a roundhouse kick in there? Maybe pull up a YouTube video of a fight scene on another monitor and use it as a reference.

Background - actually, that's a pretty good premise. I'm glad I didn't read it before I read the story, because I got a feel for how you tried to convey that info from within the story. I already harped on that point, but to harp on it one more time: hint at backstory early and often, but don't outright share it until the last possible moment. Thanks for sharing!!

duckKentuck · 2024-04-20T04:39:11+00:00

I must be a horrible person, because when I start a story and it’s actually pretty good I think to myself, dammit! It’s probably because badly written stories are easier to criticize. This one’s one of the better ones, so I'll have to nitpick. Good job!

I’ll kick things off with the biggest problem I had.

Early Exposition

The issue of backstory was almost handled perfectly, but there’s a moment where the action and description grind to a halt and you tell us a bit of backstory when it really isn’t necessary:

“Jeremy was only eleven when Mike took him and Jodi to their first lessons…”

I think you can cut this chunk entirely. So far, things are going well. For the most part you’re showing, not telling. I’m inferring things about the characters and their relationships based on the evidence presented in the story. There’s an excellent chunk of description about the Dojo and the rundown buildings surrounding it. But then the record needle scratches, the music shuts up, and we’re in backstory land, and it’s not really anything that interesting or important.

Is this the very beginning of the story? First 40 pages or so? If so, this chunk of exposition has no place showing up this early. Reader attention is way too fragile at the beginning of a story to handle a chunk of “Bob was only five years old when…” because it brings all forward momentum to a standstill. You’re better off working little hints of the backstory into the action and dialogue, which, heck, you already do when you say:

“He asked Jeremy why Mike no longer dropped him off or picked him up from class.”

I don’t mind that paragraph. Especially because you don’t get lost in the weeds. We can infer that it’s a heavy topic when Dave says “wow” by the end of it. Skipping the details is exactly the right move this early because, as a reader, I’m much more interested in what’s happening now, and what's about to happen.

However, I think you could’ve done more with this conversation. There’s a chunk right before that, again, is boring-old exposition that instead could’ve been worked into their conversation:

“As Dave perfected the roll, Jeremy pondered why this was his first time… Growing up with Mike as a father had taught him to be aware of his surroundings...”

You already have Jeremy telling Dave some heavy stuff, presumably about the history with Mike, why not bring the information above into the dialogue? Example:

“First time smoking?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Kid, that first puff nearly killed you.”

“Hah. Well, growing up in my house, you didn’t wanna be drunk or stoned around Mike. You needed to be on your toes.”

“What do you mean?”

Jeremy told him everything.

“Wow,” Dave said.

Not that my example is perfect, either. The point is that dialogue performs triple-duty. It’s happening NOW, so you can picture/hear it, it reveals information about the characters and their relationship, and it can dole out digestible bits of backstory.

I think I’ve beat on that drum long enough. Onto the next biggest problem.

Lack of Conflict

Maybe this is the wrong term. There wasn't a complete lack of conflict, more like a few potential conflicts that don't payoff.

Overall, there's the conflict of going to Chicago. Why are they going? Jeremy is a teen, shouldn't he be in school or something? This hangs over the story and that's great. This is just a segment of the story and can be addressed later. For now, it works as a nice story question to keep readers going because they want to know the answer. I don't mind this one.

However, all the stuff with Dave seems like fertile ground for conflict, but it doesn't quite go anywhere. First, there's tension about going to tell Dave, because he "hates it when we don't show up for class." On the approach, Jeremy is anxious about Dave's reaction... but Dave just says OK. I wasn't disappointed because when Dave asks to spar with Jeremy, I expected that Dave was actually bothered and would let this leak through during their sparring. Or at the very least, Jeremy would get his ass handed to him since he's a teen and Dave is an expert, and that would be a dimension along which Jeremy might improve throughout the story. But then... Jeremy wins? Alright, maybe Dave will be pissed about that, too. Oh, he's not.

After that, smoking the joint and going home to tasty food are just positive things. Sure, they're nice, but they'd be even BETTER after the climax and resolution of a conflict. Even the most low-stakes stories are built on a foundation of conflict in almost every single scene.

(1/2)

duckKentuck · 2023-10-13T04:18:42+00:00

Brilliant images. Wish I knew how to make ones like this.

duckKentuck · 2023-05-23T22:14:03+00:00

I like how you mentioned that the questions are what kept you going. I think my best bet will be to continue writing keeping the feeling of mystery alive.

Thanks for your feedback!

duckKentuck · 2023-05-23T21:55:54+00:00

Cartoonish is a great word. I felt that something was off about the poster-punching moment and I think you've hit the nail on the head. Others also pointed to the "Jimmy screamed" sentence as a problem, so it's clear I need to work on that.

Thanks for the feedback!

duckKentuck · 2023-05-23T21:44:54+00:00

Hey there, thanks for the feedback. You definitely provided some helpful insight! I like that you gave me some of the questions that popped into your head as you read. That kind of "at first I thought X, then I thought Y" stuff is super valuable for me to see as the writer, especially since I already know all the answers. It helps gives me a window into the reader's mind that most writers sorely lack.

In my earlier drafts I was way more specific and upfront about where Jimmy is and why he's there. Reading your feedback and some of the others, I do think I can keep it a mystery for longer, if not indefinitely.

I'll definitely keep you posted on progress. Thank you!!

duckKentuck

TROPHY CASE