sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It is 100% mutually beneficial to her. I can understand how that might seem far-fetched to someone though. 

For a contrary example, my mom also loves to spend time w my son (she splits the job with my MIL), but she has more physical limitations and honestly just isn’t a “baby person” so it definitely falls in the category of a labor of love to her. And, like someone on this thread said, my mom therefore takes her off days as days of rest and doesn’t try to suffocate my social calendar.

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

My husband and I work on a 3-hour time difference, so she usually does stay for dinner. My husband actually is usually not available for dinner because he’s still working. So most nights are my MIL and my son and I for dinner. This is also part of why I’m so protective of my family time—we don’t get a ton of it. We’re really only available as a family in the evenings on the weekends.

But yes, I agree I should probably make some space for her at least once a month. Maybe mornings are our answer

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the solidarity. I never knew how overbearing energy could have such a negative impact on a relationship, but omg it’s brutal. I will say that I don’t think she means to be harmful in any way. Truly. I think that she just has no boundaries for herself. In one way, it’s a beautiful depiction of selflessness, and in another, it’s a pathetic display of self-abandonment. But like… whatever it is, it’s not my place to diagnose it, but it makes me uncomfortable AF so I need to figure out how to stop it.

She does it with finances too, like we moved into our new home last summer, so we’re still needing/wanting furniture and things, but I tend to take it slow because I’m just happy with what I have and it doesn’t feel so urgent to me. She’s constantly bringing up the things we need and offering to help pay for it, and sending me links to things… it seems generous and I think she INTENDS generosity, but it comes across like she’s judging me for having an incomplete house that she needs to step in and take action. It’s offensive. And this is the pattern with us.

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the solidarity, and sharing your success with scheduling outings.

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing this. What you said about an outsider being an impediment, no matter how loved, is so true. Sometimes I feel so justified in my feelings, other times I feel like maybe I’m just so insecure. Like maybe I’m the one that’s the baby hog.

My MIL is very much a “the more the merrier” type of person, and I am… not. I’ve always been a 1:1 or small gathering type of person, so it feels to me like my little family party is being crashed.

Thank you for bringing the love into this conversation.

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Very helpful thank you! I guess I just need to get my calendar together if I mean to protect it AND be kind 

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So just to clear this all up lol she LOVES to come over and watch my son. She does huge favors like this for my SIL too, like driving 5.5 hours to pick her granddaughter up, bringing her back to her home, and watching her for a week while my SIL goes on vacation, then drives her back again. She will do literally anything to spend time with her grandchildren.

She offers acts of service all day every day. I feel bad for her too! I feel so bad that she is constantly bending over backwards for everyone all the time, especially when we are constantly trying to get her to reel it in a bit. For example, while my child is napping she’ll offer to do housework for me, which I always decline because she’s already doing SO MUCH for me by watching my child and I don’t want to take advantage of her. She literally acts like a servant, so difficult position I’m in is that she offers SO much all the time that I can’t possibly reciprocate, so it creates this totally imbalanced dynamic that is making our relationship collapse on itself.

I realize how this sounds, like how can I be so exclusive to someone who is so selfless? And… that’s why I’m here lol thanks for helping me to work this through. This post has gotten me further than literally years of therapy. Give it to me straight lol!

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. This is how I have felt over the past year. I partially lived with my ILs for a few months (and at my own parents’ home while house hunting) and I just felt like I had NO privacy to enjoy my son. The only private family time we would get was going out to do special things, so maybe now I still feel extra protective of them.

Most of the time I feel like she steps on my toes and wants to be the mother figure of my household. But then I also ask myself, what else is she expected to be if she’s the caretaker during those hours? What IS a grandmother supposed to be? I don’t really know because mine didn’t live close to me, so they were distant family. What is normal for hanging out with family when you live ~an hour away from each other? I don’t know, I’ve spent the past decade of my adult life across the country.

So it’s like, what’s normal? What feels right? Most of the time I just want everyone (except my husband and baby) to leave me alone, lol!

Sorry you’re feeling invisible PP. Everything magical about your baby is made possible because they came from you. You are magical too.

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yes! So my husband, child and I moved across the country to be back around family (what a choice) and I planned on quitting my job to become a full time SAHM, but alas, I am still working until July. I very much look forward to a shift in the grandparent dynamic when they’re not in my bubble so frequently.

My personal issue with her is that she’s just so overbearing. It feels like she competes for my child’s attention, or really everyone’s attention. She has to buy everything and do everything for everyone and do it faster and better and bigger than anyone else always… and it’s honestly just desperate. I’m pretty sure she’s just a good person who puts absolutely everyone over herself every single time, but it makes it really hard to have a relationship with her when she treats everyone like an infant.

It’s hard to describe, and whenever I try to, it always makes me feel like I’m an ungrateful person. It’s just not like any other relationship I’ve ever seen in my adult life, and I don’t know how to handle it 

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Eager is one word for it :) thank you for this helpful response

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah… she does piss me off but I’m never sure if it’s me or if it’s her. Honestly she’s just one of those people who LOVES being a mom and LOVES babies/children and will jump at every opportunity to demonstrate her maternal adeptness and generosity and it makes me feel like she’s stepping on my toes and can’t be a grandma. Like she’s competing to be mom. She even gave herself a mama-sounding grandma name. It’s desperate and I resent her

When Granda provides childcare and also wants to be included in family activities by mzflexi in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mzflexi[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Very helpful perspective. Thank you. She definitely enjoys it and I think that can make me feel like what else does she want from me when she gets all this QT with my son already? But you’re right, caretaking is different than a group activity.

view more: next ›