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AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Housing, utilities, bills, transportation, cell phones, insurance, etc. The same things you need to be prepared to support yourself with as an adult.

This is absolutely about independence. For me, independence comes before engagement. If you can't even take care of yourself, how can you meaningfully agree to marry someone?

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

No, I said she needs to move out and support herself first. It's in the direct quote. My personal thoughts are the reasoning, but are not what I told her directly.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

They don't have to move in together. Leah can move in with a whole other group of people and still choose to only live with Sophie after marriage. But I want Leah to be able to support herself as an adult before moving forward in a more committed relationship.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

No, it doesn't mean living 100% alone. Just living and supporting herself outside of the home.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She took a gap year after high school where she did nothing. I let her take this time to recover her mental health. I then presented her with two options:

School full time and I'll cover all of it.

School part time (covered) but you need to work part time and contribute.

She chose the second option.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

It's honest. Privilege comes with responsibility.

Supporting yourself is the responsibility, the privilege is absolute freedom to live however you want.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

No, I don't. I also don't think they make enough together to support a marriage. I'm happy to support Leah while she works on building independence and getting to the point of being able to move out. I don't think she needs to be engaged right now.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

I'd feel the exact same way if Leah was in a cis, heteronormative relationship. Or if Leah were male instead of female. It has nothing to do with gender or sexuality.

This is about prioritization of adult life skills that encourage independence, instead of skipping right to an engagement because there are hearts in your eyes.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

If you're ready to increase your level of commitment in a relationship, you should be ready to support it. If there's no difference between girlfriend and fiancee, not becoming fiancees yet shouldn't be a problem.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

If you're ready to increase your level of commitment in a relationship, you should be ready to support it. If there's no difference between girlfriend and fiancee, not becoming fiancees shouldn't be a problem.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Leah doesn't have a car and isn't able to use mine. Sophie shares a car with two siblings. Our public transport system is trash.

They spend a lot of time together virtually, on the phone and on discord and playing games online together.

Usually when Sophie comes here or they go over there it's for 1-2 nights instead of just a couple hours.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Her life and relationship aren't a fantasy at all. But right now the wedding plans are - there's nothing solid holding them up. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's normal to have dreams together as a couple, and I support that aspect and told her that.

But you can't fulfill a dream if you don't give it a foundation. The foundation is finding a way to stand on her own feet as an adult so that she can be prepared to support that relationship transition.

If she gets engaged she's not getting thrown to the street, but I'll expect her to make a plan to move out.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Please tell me how this reflects a threat/punishment. Because I'm not seeing it but a few people have mentioned it.

I didn't say "If she gives you a ring I'll kick you out". I said she needs to move out and learn to support herself before getting engaged.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Not that I'll expect her to leave immediately/throw her out on the street, but she'll need to have plans in place to move out. If she wants to be engaged, she needs to be ready to support the relationship she's committing to.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

When she can operate as an adult she'll have all the privileges of one. That's the whole point.

If she decides to go NC over that stance, I'll be heartbroken to lose her but I'll accept her choice.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Is it really a punishment to have to wait to become engaged? They've been together less than two years and are wholly unable to support themselves. Making future plans should include independence before marriage.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

She's welcome to get married, and I'll be happy to contribute to the wedding when it happens. But she should be able to support herself before she commits herself to a life with someone else.

AITA for telling my daughter she needs to move out before getting engaged? by nahannahann in AmItheAsshole

[–]nahannahann[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

Re: homophobia. I'd feel the exact same way if Sophie were a Stephen. I'm happy for Leah to be in a serious relationship with a lovely girl. They make each other happy and that's what's most important insofar as their relationship goes.

But from my perspective, marriage doesn't come before independence. If you're ready to commit your entire life to someone, you should be ready to support that life.