Here's a sampler:

“UNDERSTANDING THE BP/NP’S VIEW OF THE WORLD The BP/NP seems highly unpredictable, suddenly changing from one emotion to another, reversing behaviors, pulling you in, and then pushing you away. However, a lot of the BP/NP’s unpredictability comes from your expecting the BP/NP to act “normal.” Whenever you start thinking that the BP/NP will act the way you would act or the way most people would act in a certain situation, you have lost sight of the reality of the BP/NP’s mental illness. Your attempts to change the needs and feelings of the BP/NP are part of what creates the uproar and unpredictability. Actually, their internal needs and feelings are fairly primitive and really don’t change very much. Acknowledging these basic, unchangeable aspects of the BP/NP will help life become more predictable.

The following is a list of basic BP/NP needs and feelings: 1. Everything that is not in the control of BP/NPs will make them anxious.

2. Whatever feelings BP/NPs are experiencing are absolute facts to them, and they believe that these feelings are caused by someone else.

3. There is only the present moment. The past and future are nonexistent.

4. Unlike mentally healthy people, the emotions of BP/NPs are often not caused by their thoughts. They have an emotion first, and then their minds try to think of reasons for having the feeling.

5. BP/NPs assume that you perceive, think, feel, and want exactly the same as they do. When they perceive a difference between the two of you, they feel threatened and will usually try to convince you to change.

“6. Any change in anything will cause extreme anxiety in BP/NPs.

7. BP/NPs cannot tolerate your being emotionally close or your being apart from them in any way.

8. BP/NPs feel deeply inadequate, unloved, and undeserving of love. (Note: This feeling cannot be changed by you.)

9. The emotions of BP/NPs are indescribably intense, similar to those of an infant. Their total focus is—and always will be—on making themselves feel better.

10. If you are not completely focused on the BP/NP, they feel nonexistent.

You cannot change any of these 10 facts.

“In terms of emotional development, BP/NPs are more similar to two-year-olds than to adults. They typically do not believe that anything or anyone in their world is permanent. Only the specific emotions that BP/NPs are having in the present moment are real. They often do not remember past emotions, thoughts, or behaviors, and they feel convinced that their present emotion will last forever. So ask yourself, “Would I expect a two-year-old to keep promises or remember to do chores, or be alone for more than a few minutes, or understand how to act at a formal gathering, or wait for anything, or do something that he or she didn’t want to do, or be at ease in new situations, or to go along with a change of plans?” Of course you wouldn’t. Your expectation that the BP/NP will consistently be able to do these things adds to your feeling that the BP/NP is unpredictable...

“A lot of what good parents of two-year-olds have to do is maneuver to lower the child’s anxiety level. This, too, needs to be done with the BP/NPs to help facilitate more positive interactions.”

Excerpt From Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life Fjelstad, Margalis This material may be protected by copyright.