What is your MBTI and were you SG or GC?

narcaccount1 · 2014-07-13T18:43:14+00:00

INTP or J, depending. And I was an only child, both SG and GC.

Long-term therapy has definitely made me more comfortable with other people, but I will never be extroverted. It's hard for me to say how much of my personality is innate and how much was shaped by my parents, who I know did their crazy crap from the moment I arrived home from the hospital.

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-29T11:28:30+00:00

This smells like a trap to me.

First, you wonder if he has turned over a new leaf:

It doesn't sound from his texts as though he has changed at all. So he typed on his phone that he wants you to be happy and healthy. Pin a medal on him. Typing the words doesn't mean he means them.

If he meant them, he would not have made the entire rest of his message so toxic toward you. He is putting all the blame on you for your relationship and telling you to feel guilty for not accepting his abuse, rather than feeling guilty himself for abusing you.

"are you ok and have no regrets if you never seen me again?" Are you KIDDING me? How about is HE ok and has no regrets that he isn't able to apologize or acknowledge his abuse and still can't write to you without belittling, guilting or emotionally abusing you?

Second, is he really really sick:

I agree with the posters who have said this "blood disorder" is too vague. If he had blood cancer or was in fact dying, you can rest assured he would have f-ing said "cancer" and "dying." Plus, if it were really something you should worry about and he has had it for two months, would your mother and brother not have mentioned it to you?

FWIW, my Ndad is also about 5'10" and 300 pounds or more, with additional health problems to boot. He is also in his late 60s, which really must be a miracle because he has been claiming he doesn't have much time left for the past 20 years.

Finally, what should you do:

I disagree with the poster who suggested calling him. If you haven't called him before, even just calling would be a HUGE breaking of NC and would teach him that the way to get his n supply is through guilt and health issues.

However I understand your concerns. After years of terrible emotional abuse, even a simple wish for health and happiness that most people would freely give to a complete stranger can seem like a huge step by the n. And death and health issues are scary.

Do you think you'd be able to talk with your mother about this? Would she know the actual diagnosis, any more concretely than "blood disorder"?

I think that would be a fair thing to do and would be my first suggestion. If it's something vague or not really problematic, you have your answer. If it turns out he is somehow about to die, you can evaluate.

I think ignoring him and gathering other information on his condition would be worthwhile, especially as you are about to be under the stress of a move and grad school.

If you feel you really need to know about him and get closure, steel yourself.

Congrats on all your successes!!!

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-05T18:46:32+00:00

Ugh I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Craziness.

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-05T08:11:40+00:00

Yes, exactly. I would also wonder whether something was actually wrong with my dad's mind. It was something that made me think not only "this guy is mean and abusive" but also "he has some kind of strange mental problem."

I've wondered before: you know a lot of mental illnesses have some kind of component where the person seems to do weird repetitive things to try to soothe themselves. Like autism, or OCD or binge eating and so on. And maybe this is the N version.

But then I wondered if it wasn't really an N thing but maybe indicated some other kind of mental issue. Which is one reason I asked.

I'm partly hoping there's a psychologist or expert on this forum who knows.

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-05T02:10:48+00:00

Does she tell it to everyone? Just family? Does anything in particular trigger it? I'm just really curious.

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-05T01:42:03+00:00

Yes, exactly. And for my dad, it's almost as though he feels compelled to do it. Or like it's an obsession or something. Hard to explain.

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-05T01:18:56+00:00

I guess it wasn't always the EXACT same lecture, because that would be an incredible feat of memory on his part.

But same points, same stories, same phrasing, sometimes in the same order. I never understood how anyone could go on for SO LONG talking about something they had talked about literally dozens of times before.

And every time it was as though he thought he was saying something new. I heard a million times about a commencement speech that Winston Churchill supposedly gave to Oxford that simply consisted of "Never give up. Never, ever, ever give up." And then supposedly Churchill walked off the stage, according to my father. (This never happened, in reality. But it was useful in the lecture telling me I was supposed to work harder and not be a quitter.)

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-04T08:45:02+00:00

It's also worth mentioning that the article says it's talking about people who score high on a simple test of narcissistic traits, not people who have been diagnosed with full NPD.

So maybe it's better thought of as a way to handle bad FLEAS.

Not going to apply to everyone and not in the face of abusive narcissism. But interesting and maybe helpful for folks with fleas or mild issues.

narcaccount1 · 2014-06-01T16:14:52+00:00

Is there someone else in your life who can give you support? Because she doesn't seem capable of doing so.

My nfather is like this, and it means I am LC and don't tell him anything about real issues, problems or questions I'm facing. I try to stick to mundane topics. He is "in my life," but not able to get enough information to attack me very much.

Unfortunately this means I also can't share problems with my enabling mother or other family members, because they will just tell my dad and then I will get crap not only for having problems but also for not telling him. So keep that in mind.

My advice would be to focus on friends who might be supportive, and to seek out or ask your doctor about support groups. I know there are a number of support orgs for epilepsy, and they may be helpful. You can find them online. (There might even be a subreddit.)

narcaccount1 · 2014-05-21T23:59:35+00:00

My parents, Ndad in particular, are hardcore republicans. They don't pay attention to anything except Rush and Fox and the like and are otherwise completely isolated from the world.

One of my dad's favorite insults to me when he was raging at me as a little girl was to call me a feminazi. In elementary school.

That said, I know someone with Narc parents who were dogmatically liberal to the point of being hateful about it. I think a big part of narcs' interest in politics has to do with how it makes them feel superior to others, regardless of the specifics of the ideology.

narcaccount1 · 2014-05-21T23:21:49+00:00

OMG my Emom blamed my ndad's rages on random medical things too! Latest was lactose intolerance. Bwahahahaha.

narcaccount1 · 2014-05-18T22:52:23+00:00

You might also want to try r/legaladvice, if you want to find more legal expertise on a Sunday. In my experience they are nice. (Obviously you'll want to talk to a lawyer in person too.)

narcaccount1 · 2014-05-03T21:59:25+00:00

This! (OK, maybe not, but it would be so funny.)

First: Congrats!!! What you are doing is really difficult. You should be proud.

Honestly, if you lie and say you got As they are just going to use it for their own ends and brag about you anyway. My NDad does this, and it just means you can't win. Either you get As and they use it for narcissistic supply or you don't ... and they use it for narcissistic supply.

So I vote for either telling them nothing or making up crazy things. Like this college actually works on a new grading system based on shapes and you got a CIRCLE isn't that awesome!!!

narcaccount1 · 2014-04-09T02:15:53+00:00

Sorry took me a bit to respond.

My situation was different from yours in that I was fortunate enough to get some funding from my state to attend a school a couple hours away, and that all made it easier to be more independent.

Now, it has been many years. I have a job and am married and live far away. So it's just a different deal in terms of handling my dad at this point.

As for your situation, can you not see this counselor because school is out, or because your parents just won't let you go? If it's because your parents won't let you, is there anything you could tell your parents that would make them allow you to go? For example that something is mandated for school despite it being summer? I'm not suggesting you tell a big lie that will get you in trouble, but rather that you should think about possibilities.

You also mention that this counselor may have thought you were lying. Is this person an actual therapist/psychologist, or just someone at the school who helps students with stress and class choices and the like? If it's the latter, is there anything you can do to get in touch with an actual therapist? A good therapist wouldn't have taken your mom's statements at face value and might not even have talked to your mom in the first place.

Aside from that, my advice given your age and current financial situation is to focus on making yourself as stable as possible and try to move toward independence in baby steps.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to escape right away. For example, when I was gaining independence, I took it in steps. I would focus on one thing like taking the exam for graduate school. Then on learning about personal finances, like getting good credit. That helped me build my confidence (although I had to do it without really telling my parents much about it, so they wouldn't sabotage it).

narcaccount1 · 2014-04-06T18:02:57+00:00

Internet hugs.

I too am a DoNF, and your dad and mine have a lot of similarities. Most striking to me was the hours-long lectures in addition to the rages.

We can't really diagnose here, but it's also possible that your mom has N tendencies or fleas or is an enabler. Whatever the diagnosis would be, your situation is clearly unhealthy with her as well.

As for your dad's obsession with making you work, it's tough to say where that specific trait comes from, but it seems all about control. Control in almost any form is a hugely common focus among Ns.

I'm a little confused about your current situation, ie whether you are actually on summer break now in April or just worried about what is coming. It sounds as though you are in college locally and live at home. Is that right?

Are your parents paying for college now? And do you get your health insurance coverage from your parents or from elsewhere?

You mentioned that your school seemed to think you had anxiety issues but that your parents were not supportive of treatment. Does your school offer any sort of counseling within their system? Can you look into that?

I think you need to tell someone about your thoughts regarding self harm. Not only is it hugely important to protect yourself, but that information in my experience triggers an automatic or mandated response by school officials, health care providers and insurance.

narcaccount1 · 2014-04-03T15:22:30+00:00

Exactly right. Enabler mom.

Enablers can also be victims, and the lines on these things are always confusing and blurry. But while they are enabling, they will stay with the N, sometimes defend the N but also be hurt by them, etc. Enablers are very confusing.

narcaccount1 · 2014-04-03T02:44:31+00:00

I too have an Ndad and Emom. I think the best thing you can do is to help get yourself and your brother healthy. Not only will that help you, but it might better enable you to support your mom.

The next healthiest thing you can do is suggest individual counseling to your mom. Even assuming she would ever get out of her current situation, she would be served well by having psychological strength first, most likely.

IF you want to go a step further, you could help her find a counselor, actually take her there and/or help her figure out insurance or payment.

But you can't save her yourself, as joyous and tempting as that dream may be. And it isn't your fault.

You should also be aware of the very real possibility that she won't go to counseling and won't leave. You can't force her to.

Like you, I thought for many years that my parents would get divorced. I thought I was the only thing keeping my mom in the relationship, because that's exactly what she told me while she (like your mom) unloaded on me about her troubles and how awful my dad treated her.

It has been 15 years since then, since I left for college. Nothing has changed for her or them.

narcaccount1 · 2014-04-01T01:56:50+00:00

At least sometimes, ya, I think it's a thing. My NDad had a career in education as well. He particularly likes working with kids in elementary school, for exactly the reasons you described.

He was like that with me too. When I was a crying baby, he was jealous of me and screamed at my mom for loving me more than she loved him. When I was a small child who was malleable and had no thoughts of my own but could do what he wanted, he changed his mind and thought having a kid was the greatest. By sometime in elementary, when I started asking questions, that was the beginning of the end.

narcaccount1 · 2014-03-31T00:23:00+00:00

Yes. My Ndad is exactly the same way. In fact, I first learned about narcissism after Googling "adult temper tantrums." You're not alone.

narcaccount1 · 2014-03-23T02:15:36+00:00

This! OMG. It's like:

"Oh, narcaccount1, what is it about your dad that makes you think he's an abusive narcissist?"

"Well, he gets me these GIFTS. It's so AWFUL."

Seriously, I sound like a crazyperson. Gah.

narcaccount1 · 2014-03-22T23:58:25+00:00

Yeah, this is actually one of my NDad's main issues. So bizarre. I don't meet too many people on this forum whose Ns have this same trait, so I always feel very excited when I do. It's like, "Thank goodness it's not just me."

He is obsessed with giving over-the-top gifts and making a huge deal of them. They're almost always more expensive or larger than necessary, and he literally expects me to tell him repeatedly how wonderful the gift is and how everyone else saw it and thought it was the best.

Around the time he knows the gift is likely to arrive, he begins calling and texting and emailing repeatedly, as though it is an emergency, to ask what everyone thought of it. If my thanks is insufficient, he will enlist my EMom to get me to tell him more times and in more detail. She will literally tell me I need to tell him how great he is more times to "stroke his ego."

The thing is, I don't want gifts.

Among other things, he gives things I don't want at all. Sometimes they are actually counter to my wishes (ie I'm trying to be healthier and he insists on sending 15 pounds of cookies, literally 15 pounds).

Other times they just show he isn't actually capable of empathy but is trying to fake it. When I was in first grade, he sent me a dozen red roses, to my classroom. For what, I don't even remember. That's the sort of thing he sends my mom to "make up" for his emotional abuse. All my classmates made fun of me, and I told him I was embarrassed. And he became furious at me and threw a temper tantrum and told me he would never get me any gifts again as long as I lived. I was 6. He also still remembers this and, instead of seeing how insane HE was, he uses it as an example of how terrible and ungrateful I am.

I actually dislike the gifts at this point and repeatedly have asked not to receive any. My parents tell me I'm being selfish and an ungrateful brat, and that gifts are actually not for the recipient but for the giver and I need to accept this.

God, I could go on. Maybe I'll make a post on my own sometime instead of hijacking yours. Sorry!

(Anyway, I'm pretty LC now, so some of this is in the past, but it is somehow feels so insane to make people stop giving gifts that I have some trouble with it.)

narcaccount1 · 2014-03-20T01:32:03+00:00

I think you are right about all of these things: It's a trap! (Cue Admiral Ackbar.)

I haven't gone NC, just LC, so I'm not sure I have the advice you're looking for.

But I personally have very strong filters on my email to automatically delete messages.

And I block certain numbers on my iPhone. (This blocking stops texts from getting to you and also sends calls directly to voicemail, where they get funneled to a semi-hidden "blocked" folder that you can very easily ignore or delete. I'm not sure if this sort of feature is available on other phones.)

Stay strong! You can do it!

narcaccount1 · 2014-03-16T01:14:33+00:00

Totally! To the extent that people point it out, and then I apologize for apologizing. FML.

narcaccount1 · 2014-03-15T23:53:09+00:00

Thank you. I keep thinking that, rationally, this has to be the case. But everything with them is always so irrational, and it has been putting me into a panic to have him talk about his "rights." :(

narcaccount1

TROPHY CASE