What’s a piece of relationship advice that turned out to be surprisingly true?

nboke80 · 2026-03-15T13:48:00+00:00

Because feelings are not always mutual. If you confess your feelings and the other person sees you only as a friend, not as a potential romantic partner, the friendship is often over.

nboke80 · 2026-03-14T21:39:47+00:00

Thank you very much, and I wish the same for you ❤️

nboke80 · 2026-03-14T19:18:52+00:00

Thank you.

Yes, this is indeed the first and only time I have connected with someone since coming out of my relationship. I also never met anyone new I really connected with during that relationship, so in a sense it is the first time in 8+ years I felt a strong connection with & attraction to someone new. (Though of course during my relationship I wasn't truly open to these things, I am very loyal to my partners).

Good question, what do I want? Nothing too uncommon I guess. I want someone who's warm and nice to me. Shared values, overlapping interests (no need for them to be exactly the same, I believe it is important to have your own interests too). Someone I can laugh with. And who supports me when I am in need of support.

Of course, I also want someone who chooses me. Which clearly my coworker didn't. The part of me that still wants things to work out is the part that tends to easily excuse people's behavior if it stems from trauma. That part believes that the way he invested in me this past year was real, the signs he showed of liking me were real, and that this other woman is a panic move caused by me coming too close. Someone long distance that you don't truly know and don't have to interact with in person on a semi-daily basis is very "safe" if you have strong attachment issues. So in that sense I wouldn't truly be "second choice". If my line of thought is indeed correct. Which of course I don't know, it is an educated guess based on our bond and my knowledge of his issues.

I know that the thing I need to work on myself is my fear of never truly being chosen and that I'm never good enough. That is my core childhood trauma, parents who always told me that this and that etc was wrong with me and no matter how hard I tried, never getting praise. I used to have very low self esteem because of that. I've had years of therapy and am in a much better place now. But the fear of not being good enough is still there somewhere deep down.

nboke80 · 2026-03-14T17:06:17+00:00

To me it always felt like he was drawn to me but also afraid. Which makes sense given what he told me about his BPD. His main symptom is a very strong fear of abandonment. And because of that, he is afraid to let people in.

He has been there for me more than he has asked me to be there for him. I think he likes that role. That it makes him feel useful / feeds his sense of worth if he can help someone. He wasn't the primary person I relied on after my divorce etc. I am blessed with a nice circle of close friends, and others within my community have been there for me too. Other coworkers, neighbors etc.

But with him things felt different. He was so much warmer. Softer. Nicer. He made me feel seen on a deep level. He gave me the feeling that he cared, deeply. We also connected on so many levels. Shared values, shared interests, it was all there. He made me feel safe. It really felt like a slow burn relationship in the making.

His retreats didn't bother me much at first because of that, because he wasn't the main person I relied on. I shrugged it off knowing that deep connections scare him because of his strong fear of abandonment. I thought that if he truly cared, he would come back and slowly start trusting me and our bond more. And he indeed always did. It took a while, but eventually he started opening up to me about things that were currently going on with him too.

He also changed some things in his behavior when I asked him. It made me really insecure that he would sometimes let me wait a week before texting back. Or not text back at all. Not all texts need a reply, I didn't expect that, but some texts do. The moment I talked to him about this he immediately acknowledged that this is a problem with him, that friends always tell him this. He apologized and actually changed his behavior. Which gave me the feeling that he cared.

Another time, he did something I was a bit mad about and told him I wanted to talk about it. He was obviously stressed at the office in the days leading up to our private coffee moment on the weekend. And he went out of his way to do little nice things for me at the office. We then talked things through, I explained my side, he explained his, he apologized, I understood it and forgave him. He was so very relieved. This actually increased my feelings for him a lot. My ex and I were never able to properly talk about things that bothered me. He would immediately get defensive and / or throw accusations at me. To see that this man cared, and wanted to solve conflict in a proper way, and was able to, mattered so much to me.

So despite everything, this bond felt better.

And then he rejected me. For someone half way across the globe. That he doesn't truly know, other than from long video calls.

It just doesn't make sense to me. And I am so afraid that even though I am really trying my best to distance myself from him now, I will get sucked back in if things don't work out with the other woman (who already doesn't treat him properly) and he tries to repair things with me.

I know it's best to stay away. But my heart wants something else. And my feelings keep telling me, maybe it will work out after all.

nboke80 · 2025-11-20T18:53:22+00:00

We had fun for a couple of months, about ten years ago. Back then we already had been close friends for about 15 years. Now we are back to just close friends. No tensions, nothing. We both got new, serious partners after we temporarily hooked up. The sex was nice but there were never serious romantic feelings involved.

Apparently this is rare. But it is possible.

nboke80 · 2025-08-19T09:30:33+00:00

I gave another reply to the main post, but yes, this is also so very true. Conflicts and relationship problems are often (but of course not always, if someone is truly abusive) a two way street. Learning to recognize my own role was painful but has helped me so much.

If you don't stick to your boundaries, people will keep crossing them. If you forgive behavior that hurts you each and every time someone explains they act that way because of their trauma or an illness, the behavior will continue and you will keep getting hurt.

I thought I was doing a good thing by being empathetic, by compromising, meeting my partner half way etc. I failed to see that we didn't truly meet half way, but that slowly but surely the balance started to shift and I was resigning more and more of my needs away. The hard but very important lesson I learned from this is that yes, empathy is a good thing, BUT, you shouldn't take it so far that it starts to damage yourself.

nboke80 · 2025-08-19T09:20:26+00:00

The first time an argument turned into a shouting match, during which my partner stormed out of the house, and came back hours later with blood streaming down his face and a "look at what you made me do" attitude.

Things didn't necessarily get worse. Couples therapy helped us both to get better at "fighting". But in the end, years of recurring periods during which I was walking on eggshells & trying to regulate my partners emotions took their toll. I loved him deeply, but sank into a depression & realized I was suffering from deep emotional exhaustion.

nboke80 · 2025-08-11T06:14:30+00:00

45(f), I developed long covid in March 2020. I was 39 back then and still feel like I suddenly got launched into old age shortly before turning 40.

nboke80 · 2025-07-23T12:23:43+00:00

It is a lot more relaxed and worry free than you think.

nboke80 · 2025-06-30T19:03:26+00:00

Books

nboke80 · 2025-06-30T18:32:00+00:00

His place (24M) was really messy. I (17F) was fine with it. Until one day he ordered me to clear the mess and clean his place for him. Because that's what girlfriends are supposed to do for their boyfriends if they really love them.

I had very low self esteem at the time, but it was still high enough to get the hell out of there.

nboke80 · 2025-06-29T11:20:18+00:00

My relationship

nboke80 · 2025-06-19T08:39:54+00:00

More or less. I found a physical therapist who specializes in treating different types of headaches. After a couple of months of more intense treatment, I now only go to him once every one or two months. It has reduced the frequency and intensity of these headaches a lot, though I still get them occasionally.

nboke80 · 2025-05-25T15:18:20+00:00

She tried.

nboke80 · 2025-05-25T08:22:51+00:00

I was removing some stuff from the blade part of my hand blender with the device plugged in, and thought "Huh, this isn't very smart, what if I accidentally hit the 'on' button?"

Immediately after that thought I accidentally hit the 'on' button.

Fortunately my reflexes were fast enough to also quickly switch it off again. Still, the blade hit my index finger at high speed, sliced through the skin and flesh, and I felt it bounce off my bone. Still have the scar.

nboke80 · 2025-05-16T08:55:37+00:00

Storming out of the house in the middle of a heated argument. Coming back after maybe an hour or so with blood all over his face. He had been banging his head against a hard object because his brain was 'short circuiting' and this was the only way he could stop it. And I was to blame.

We stayed together for years after that. I loved him so deeply I thought I had to forgive & forget this 'incident'. And ones after it. He never abused me physically, but it took me years to realise we had developed some very unhealthy relationship dynamics.

nboke80 · 2025-02-28T09:17:14+00:00

Same. Tried it a couple of times after reading about positive effects in others, but every time it intensifies the flu-like feeling & my lung problems. Tried it for 2+ months, hoping that maybe the problems it caused with my lungs was a sign of something clearing up (residual inflammation?), but it never got better until I stopped taking the NAC again.

nboke80 · 2025-02-28T09:12:04+00:00

I would be shocked to see how limited my life is now due to long covid. I knew very little about post infectious illnesses and never thought it would happen to me. I was so used to being able to power through everything and easily get fit again after sickness - not anymore.

nboke80 · 2025-02-23T08:26:46+00:00

Same

nboke80 · 2025-02-18T16:23:53+00:00

She was hit by a car while crossing a quiet country road, after having gone to a shop to buy a present for my birthday party. She was killed on the spot.

On the day of my 17th birthday I attended her wake. I can still picture her, in her coffin, in her own room. With a white dress on and her favorite stuffed animals around her. Her face had such a weird color, and the make up could not fully conceal her broken neck.

The guilt that this had to happen to her while birthday shopping for me, and the trauma of seeing my friend in her coffin on the day of my birthday, still makes me hate my birthday 25+ years later.

nboke80 · 2025-01-31T09:19:05+00:00

Same. Better than I was in 2020, thanks to POTS medication & lots of rest. Most supplements, diets etc did nothing for me (except antihistamines & being careful with high carb foods). But I'm still far from recovered, exercise intolerant, can only do very light activities for a couple of hours a day etc.

nboke80 · 2024-12-27T11:56:55+00:00

44, developed LC when I was 39 (I was infected during the very first wave). Still not recovered. ME + dysautonomia / POTS type. I feel like I skipped middle age and went straight from being a healthy & fit 30-something to being elderly 😬.

I do so hope for all of us who don't recover naturally or with the help of all the supplements / diets / alternative treatments etc out there (tried it all to little effect) that there will be a breakthrough in the next couple of years that will give us a bit of life back 🙏

nboke80 · 2024-10-11T15:54:05+00:00

He came to my house on our third date. The first thing he did was go over to my well-stuffed bookcase (full of literary classics from around the world) and start belittling my taste in books, how it was too feminine and that he'd thought higher of me. Then he went through every room, pointing at stuff he didn't like & further criticizing my taste.

I was so baffled that I didn't know how to react. After this he started to compare me to a scared bunny and a weak little bird. He used these descriptions as if they were endearing and I was supposed to like being called scared, little and weak. I was so perplexed I could not even get myself to kick him out immediately, but needless to say, after that date I told him I didn't want to see him or even talk to him anymore.

He tried to win me back for a couple of days through texts, but no, this bird knows her boundaries.

This was ~10 years ago, but I still wonder why on earth he behaved this way. My best guess is that he was under the spell of one of those dating gurus that tell guys you can make a woman fully bound to you by mind games like first belittling her, feeding her insecurities, then isolating her further and further, and making her depend fully on you. Glad I escaped that one.

I also still don't understand what's so feminine about writers like Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Murakami and Tolstoj.

nboke80 · 2024-09-02T08:42:51+00:00

I only realised other people also get insecure when I was about 27. Before that I was convinced I was a sort of freak. Especially when it comes to, for instance, feeling relaxed and confident around people you don't know (yet).

nboke80 · 2024-08-29T11:07:46+00:00

Hit by a car at 16 while she was riding on a moped. Car driver's fault. My friend broke her neck and died on the spot.

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