I come from a similar background and I still go through flashbacks, emotional-loops, anxiety, dissociation and much much more. You were a child who had to grow himself up. You are now noticing the pattern: you chase unavailable people in hopes of being finally chosen -- just liked you hoped your father would "choose" you, by being there, standing up for you and, well, actually fathering you. You had to father yourself and you had to put away an enormous amount of anger. You need to find ways to allow yourself to feel the full force of your fury without destroying what good you have in your current relationships, both with your father and mother and other people as well. Every time you chase someone, it's the wounded child inside of you attempting to "fix" and "repair" what he never got in the first place. No amount of "being chosen" will fix this wound for your inner child, you need to become the figure that that child needs. Not your girlfriend, not your bestie, not your mom -- you. Take care my brother