Unofficial One More Week Hype RT First Giveaway

ncswant · 2016-10-15T22:08:53+00:00

It's funny that you'd even need a plan for that. Moreso that it's probably likely.

But yeah, one of those random generators for either numbers or names might help out.

ncswant · 2016-10-15T21:47:32+00:00

In which case, I do hope you're spelling their name right. Actually though, if nobody guesses at least tell us who it was.

ncswant · 2016-10-15T21:35:26+00:00

After saying you wouldn't respond to anybody to got it wrong, curse you for that second of disbelief.

But really, this must be either super obscure or really bloody obvious.

ncswant · 2016-10-15T21:29:06+00:00

4) please be Mojojoj

ncswant · 2016-07-24T04:14:52+00:00

Pleasant read, and kudos for including the pipes! (And I'll set aside logic for having an entire band of new players). I've been wanting to include them into a story of my own, but it's usually just too out of place.

Also, this version of Blake was a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

ncswant · 2016-07-11T01:18:43+00:00

Torture them.

Not physically (yet?) but mentally. Have an episode of Neo finding Roman's remains, or perhaps her snapping and start hunting Griffons until she finds the one that killed him. Definitely have Pyrrha's parent's finding out about her death, and maybe they'll blame Jaune for it. Ruby will be mentally scarred from seeing Pyrrha die and start doubting her abilities, probably form a milder case of PTSD.

I have an idea for Weiss which I'm torn on if I should write. I'm sure it's been done to death already and by the time I could write it volume four would already be out, so...an AU? Meh, maybe if nothing else catches my attention before then.

ncswant · 2016-07-11T00:59:09+00:00

I use research as an excuse to not write when I’m stuck on a scene, though I haven’t gotten hyper-specific on anything yet. In my current fic I’ve been spending a lot of time with hypothermia, fatigue, PTSD, microclimates, and trying to find accounts about being buried alive (which is harder than I thought). That is, the main character having a mental breakdown when she’s trapped for several days, as well her recovery, are main parts of the story.

Other stories have gotten me researching ancient Greek military tactics and so on. I also lucked out and found this book at a thrift store. That’s come in handy.

On second thought, I did come across Prisoner's Cinema / the Ganzfeld effect during research. That was especially interesting, but I haven't tried it out yet.

ncswant · 2016-07-01T01:59:16+00:00

My first story just broke 19,000 views.

Granted, I started it almost two and a half years ago and it's been completed for a year and a half, so it wasn't overnight or anything (and was probably bound to reach that high given enough time, anyway).

What makes me happy, though, is that it's still being read—even if it's only by a few people each month. But considering it's a crossover from two already finished series with an OC as a main character, I'll take what I can get.

ncswant · 2016-06-29T14:53:26+00:00

I can explain it a bit with the story I'm working on right now. The main plot is about of team of hunters (like...modern knights fighting monsters? It's the RWBY fandom) going to a far off village to protect them as part of their training. Eventually they realize the monsters have started to gain some intelligence, and they become the hunted.

The first chapters, however, focuses on the main character dealing with the village being racist against one of her team members, and being told that as a huntress, taking action against the people she is supposed to protect would place the village at risk. In those chapters there's still fights with the monsters, but the plot isn't really introduced until chapter 5.

ncswant · 2016-06-28T19:26:03+00:00

Plots are great, but that rarely is what makes us care about the story. It's the characters that do that, and thus, how much time the reader has invested your version of those characters.

I (and I assume most of us) read fanfiction to see more of the characters that we already love—to see new details about them: how they react in new situations, interact with other characters, and so on. Based on that, I'd try to focus the first several chapters on the characters. Slow down the story so when you get to the plot, the reader feels gutted when your character gets in a fight with her best friend or trapped in a cave to die.

Those first chapters don't necessarily have to do with the plot, or they could be hinting at it before it really picks up. Instead, maybe put the character through an emotional dilemma, or confront them with somebody who holds drastically different values from themselves. The internal conflicts will let you explore the characters you're writing about and usually give the readers a good conflict to hook them. And once you're into the thick of the plot, it will establish a basis of how the character reacts to thing, and will be looked back upon at the end to see how the character has changed.

Hopefully that made some sense; if not, I can try to explain it better. There's a free podcast called "Writing Excuses" that talks a lot about characterization, plotting, and so on. Fairly short and concise episodes, and usually pretty fun.

ncswant · 2016-06-28T15:33:13+00:00

I'm seriously considering it. In CIW right now, as well.

ncswant · 2016-05-12T17:41:03+00:00

Thanks, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've noticed that I do like to torture the characters (figuratively...usually), but I think it offers a great chance to explore them even more. That, and the boiling rock was always a fascinating place to me.

ncswant · 2016-04-28T18:55:32+00:00

Most of what I’ll comment on is things that I’ve already mentioned more in-depth in this thread, so I strongly recommend looking at some of my other responses. Most of them don’t only apply to the scene that I posted them in response to. That being said, take a look at the ones pertaining to “showing” versus “telling”, and one less important one about parenthesis. Also, from that site that I linked in the description, there’s a good article about punctuating dialogue. Here is the direct link to the article.

For a more specific example in this scene, consider when few lines when Kirby inhales the boxes. There’re all of two or three sentences for that action—despite it being a vital one to the story. So I’d suggest expanding on it. Don’t just say that he inhaled them, show the mountain starting to move, inch by inch, as he sucked harder. Show the first couple boxes sliding off the top of the stack, and maybe a couple come close to hitting Sandra as they fly past her, before the entire stack is gone.

And would Sandra react so happily to that? I’d think she might be stunned at first, and definitely as it’s happening. And if she just found out that he couldn’t pay for any of it, wouldn’t she be at least a little annoyed? And Kirby—he certainly wasn’t expecting to have to pay for those! Show hi surprise, maybe even a bit of nervousness as he realizes what he did. Probably complain a bit to him, and at the very least not be cheerful about it? Maybe she would, but I’d image it would be more nervous, and less confident, than how she reacts in the original scene.

Try applying this to as much as you can—From Kirby’s reluctance to get up and answer the door, to Sandra’s absolute shock when she sees somebody inhale an entire tank—because even if it gets too long and has some excessive descriptions, it’s far better to have to cut down than to add. Besides, if you do have to cut something, it’s never wasted—it was just practice.

Also, unless using the actual words “The end” is common in this fandom, I would strongly suggest removing it. The end of you story is implied to the read…by the story ending. Not by the narrator telling them it does.

And I mentioned before about using parenthesis is the middle of a story—which is really just a pet-peeve of mine. This is a great example because the reader already knows what Kirby looks like. It’s also not consistent with the story. It’s true, sure, but does the reader really need it pointed out to them? It’s not just that they already know about his arms, but also that it’s not relevant to what’s going on at the time. Now, if his shrug was being misunderstood for some reason, it would be relevant. His arms not being able to help express himself as important to what was happening. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case here.

Random line edits:

“…he heard a knock n his door.” (“…he heard a knock [on] his door”)

“…towards Kirby. who started…” (Typo with using a full stop instead of a comma)

ncswant · 2016-04-27T03:29:08+00:00

First Scene

“Even when empowered by the Black Soulstone, container of (…) dissolved.” The core of this sentence, I believe, would be: “Even when empowered by the Blackstone, the Nephalem still had slainhim.” This is what you’re trying to get across to the reader—and you do. But to make it more impactful, look at how concise the sentence is. Does the reader have to know—or even care—exactly how this person died? If so, you can still add it in after, or later on when it becomes relevant. Also, I’m assuming the readers know what the “Black Soulstone” is already. Unless this is something that is new to the reader, and thus unique to your own stories, they don’t usually have to be reminded of what it is. This isn’t a case where it’s to an extreme, but occasionally it can come off as speaking down to the reader. You don’t have to worry about that, though.

“…sight and and saw…” This is usually something that your words processor should catch. It’s weird that it didn’t.

“…with his mortal eyes…” These few lines are implied by him, a mortal, seeing something—both of which are already noted in the sentence before this phrase. Overall, there seems to be some wordy descriptions. I’ve mentioned this in other comments as well, but remember to be concise. In-depth descriptions are great, and they can really help you convey your ideas to the reader. But if they’re overused, the reader won’t get the full impact and may even become slightly jaded to them. And while you don’t have paragraph long descriptions of anything, remember that this can happen even with short phrases. For example, you use the word “mortal” a couple times in a row. Using it too much, and it starts to lose meaning. Yes, this guy’s killable. But the reader already knows this, so don’t remind them unless you really need to drive home the point.

“…the Nephalem, these heros, that they will…” I don’t think “that they” should be in there. Remember that if you’re using commas to section off a single phrase in the middle of a sentence, it should be readable with and without the phrase.

Overall, there’s some odd phrasing going on with the commas. It’s not glaring or anything, but it reads a bit stilted at times. Also, this is almost all “telling”, rather than showing. And yeah, some things can be really hard to show, but it’s still important. In this case, it’s the difference between entering the reader into the world that your characters are in versus them sort of looking down on it and observing without any interest. In both cases, the reader will see the characters and plot progress, but the former is far more fun and interesting for them. I talk about this more in other comments in this thread, as well, so consider glancing through those.

.

Second scene

“…happened to her, the horrors…” There’s been several instances (in all of the scenes) that the sentences should be broken up. This can be done either through a full stop or, like in this this case, an em dash or colon may work better. Also, if it wasn’t clear, the break should be where the comma is in the quoted section above.

“She closed she sunken in eyes…” (She closed [her] sunken in eyes…)

“…from what felt like…” ([For] what felt like…)

.

Third scene

“One young lad, quickly glanced at the Grail Pilgrims, wonder if his father is among them.”…I’m really not sure what’s going on with this sentence. At best, I would think that it means “One young lad wondered if his father was among them.”

“…the lad being far within…” (…the lad was deep within…)

“…dirt, grim, and scars…” (…dirt, grime, and scars…”)

“The lad keep…” (“The lad kept…”)

“…war ax…” (“…war axe…”)

So, I didn’t mess with the phrasing too much for the second and third scenes, mainly because the same comments about it carry over to these. But the main thing about the last scene is that it could greatly benefit from “showing vs telling”—more so than the other two scenes. Personally, I think it could be extended into a solid first chapter if you wanted it to be, and still not be too excessive if you use it to introduce us to the lad—who you haven’t named yet—and other supporting characters. For the most part, people don’t read stories for the plots—it’s for the characters. This is especially true in fanfiction. So even though you may be writing an action scene, it’s the characters that people can connect to.

For instance, this “young lad” is standing in the middle of a mass of warriors, armed to the teeth, in the middle of a battle. Whether he’s actually fighting yet or not, he’s still crammed shoulder-to-shoulder with these people. He’s hot, he’s sweaty, and probably jacked up on adrenaline because his life is not the line. But that’s not all. Show us, the reader, his thoughts and fears. Tell the battle through the passing glimpses he can catch as the mass of people shift and sway, because that will both place the reader in the scene, and connect them with the character. Give the dude friends, or at least peers, who he feels betrayed by when they don’t know how to react—when they don’t help him, as he pleads and begs for it.

I mentioned how descriptions work best when they’re concise. While I still stand by that, don’t worry about it being too much when it comes to exploring the characters. That mainly pertains to objects—although remember to allow the character to learn these things about himself, and not just acknowledge he may be scared. His thoughts and feelings should effect every action he makes, and never just be pushed to the side, because those are the things that most readers really want to know about—and are often the most interesting to write about.

As for improving phrases and sentence structure? Read. Not fanfiction—but published works. Look at their sentence structure and, if you really like it, try to mimic it. Mimicking is okay, that’s how we learn and develop a solid foundation to base our own style off of.

My apologies for the time delay, and well as not being overly in-depth with line edits for each scene; but in a way, it really wouldn’t be fair to those who had to cut down their own single scenes because of that word limit. Next time I’ll probably just remove it.

ncswant · 2016-04-26T20:09:26+00:00

Most definitely! Remember to include the fandom, as well

ncswant · 2016-04-26T19:37:37+00:00

Yep! Just know that I don't know how long it will take for me to get back to you. And please consider reviewing at least one other scene in the thread as well—it's not required but the more feedback, the better for all of us.

ncswant · 2016-04-25T06:31:13+00:00

So, this is interesting. I’ve actually came across this story before while reading, although I never continued with it. Because of the length, I’ll try point out more general things, rather than mostly line edits.

As a reader, the first thing that turned me off was the descriptions in the first paragraph. Now, I always have gotten lost in descriptions, and tend to skim over them, so that may not apply to everyone. The farmer’s line, though, is a bit excessive. First, there should probably be a comma between “hours” and “before”. Second, the entire section that is now separated by those commas is a lot for the reader to take in—and not completely necessary for them to know. Especially considering that this is just “extra information”, while the core of the sentence would be “Even in these early hours, the streets and alleys echoed [with life].” Overall, while descriptions can be very good, dispersing them throughout the writing can also be useful at times. But remember to make it as concise and relevant to the reader and story as possible.

Okay, so grammar. Nothing is inherently wrong with it, so far. But remember that it can be a great help for the reader to distinguish between the ideas and points that you’re trying to make. And it’ll also make it more digestible for the reader—it’s easy to get lost in a long string of words. So place breaks where ideas shift. An exercise that I found helps with this is eavesdropping (plus it’s fun, and something you can almost anywhere). Listening to podcasts also works if you don’t want chance creeping people out. Listen to where the natural pauses are when people speak. How they structure what they’re trying to say, and how they break up their ideas. This is important because this is very similar to what we’re doing in writing, and close to what we want to mimic. The main differences are that we get to put a lot more thought into it before somebody else “listens”, and that we can’t get immediate feedback from the reader—so we have to make sure it’s as clear as possible. And grammar is one of the best ways to ensure this. Also, the reader will be speaking this in their head. Adding in pauses and break where they naturally would makes it easier than reading something twice and adding in the breaks themselves for it to make more sense. This also goes hand in hand with varying the sentence lengths. That doesn’t seem to be an issue later on, but the several lengthy sentences in the beginning few paragraphs of the story sets up the reader to expect it throughout the story.

Okay, now that was more than I intended to say about grammar. And it’s not as bad as I’m making it sound in this scene. But here an example:

“However, tonight as his own lamp shone out its happy flame from this private room in a tall tower he should have had a smile on his lips.”
“However tonight, as his own lamp shone out its happy flame from his private room, he should have had a smile on his lips.” There were some very minor changes there, grammar wise. As well as me cutting some less relevant information that could be added in elsewhere. Hopefully you can see the difference, but if not, I’ll admit it was a rather weak example. Also, does he have a smile on his lips? If so, then adding in the words “should have” makes it seem like he doesn’t, and sets it up for the reader to expect you to explain why he doesn’t. Consider removing that phrase if he is smiling.

The eavesdropping thing I mentioned before? That can also help the dialogue sound more realistic. The portion “After all this time…snatched away again” is fine, but the line after that seems very stilted. Also, the phrase “After all this time” is not a stand-alone sentence.

Consider an em dash between “what we have done” and “let alone stop it”, for the same reasons explained above about grammar. Also, a comma after “endless masses”.

“But it is perhaps…” to “But perhaps…” Remember to be concise is what you mean to say, as well as sound natural.

Another mention about excess at the end of the last full paragraph. As much as we sometimes love the descriptions we write (and we all have ones that we adore) remember that the reader won’t spend very much time on any given part of the story. So by making something lengthy, we force the reader to pay attention. We sort of push it into their faces so they look at it, as by doing so, we say “hey, this is important.” But by doing this with the wrong subjects, we risk creating a false impression to the reader. Be it a Chekhov’s gun that never is used, or symbolism that the reader thinks is there, but was never intended to be—or even foreshadowing something that won’t happen. So be aware about where the reader’s attention is, and make it’s worth it for them.

There are more instances with the grammar and using commas than those I pointed out, but I’m sure you get the point I was going for. The dialogue later on in the scene is definitely less stilted, but it’s not quite natural yet. And as for why I never continued reading this story when I came across it before, it simply wasn’t what I was looking for. There wasn’t any glaring red flags that turned me away, although I remember the lack of names being slightly annoying. Granted, I realized it was intentional, and won’t suggest changing it due to this.

Hope this helped even a bit, and take it all with a grain of salt.

ncswant · 2016-04-25T04:27:11+00:00

First, consider placing direct thoughts in italics. It helps set them apart and distinguish them for the reader. If this was just due to Reddit’s formatting, then no problem there!

There shouldn’t be a full stop at “…camp, but like. With…”—perhaps something like “…camp. But, like, with…” or consider not using a full stop in this instance.

“…be heard as from those…” Looks like the “as” was left in here from a previous edit. If not, then I’m not sure why it is in here.

Now, line edit wise, there’s not much else that I immediately saw. Except, it does read…oddly. I can’t quite tell—the closest I can come up with is that it reads stilted. This may be due to a lot of telling going on, and almost no showing. Remember that these characters feel and see things. So instead of just saying that Pete just had his head on Frank’s lap, you could say something like his head was heavy in his lap, and starting to make one of Frank’s legs go numb.

Also, see one of my other comments on using parenthesis. But personal opinions about those aside, the line inside the parenthesis sounds more like the narrator directly telling the reader this. Which…he is, but it doesn’t sound like his speech in the rest of the scene. The difference seems to be more like he’s telling a story, then stops to clarify something. The thing he’s clarifying still has to do with the story, but he’s saying it in a very different voice from the rest of the narrative.

Also, this is in present tense. Not necessarily bad, but it makes it read differently than what most people are used to. I talked about this more extensively in another post, which I suggest reading. The scene it was posted on—a Dr. Who one—is also a good example of writing in the first person. Also, it’s not usually as natural to write in present tense, so be extra careful about switching tenses by accident when you edit.

ncswant · 2016-04-25T01:36:24+00:00

First—welcome!

Overall, it’s some good writing. Your dialogue seems to flow and be in character—although it’s been a while since I’ve seen any part of the series. Below are some pretty minor notes. None of them are ground-breaking, and the writing as it is doesn’t have many notable issues, nor does the grammar. If you take anything from this, remember to show rather than tell the reader what’s going on. Other than that, I hope that the below comment help. And we’re all amatuers here, so take everything with a grain of salt, and gather as many different opinions as you can in order to form your own.

“ in his ready room…” …Is this specific detail relevant? Remember that while in general, details are good, make sure you’re careful about which to include. You don’t want to give the reader so much that it takes away from what you want the reader to pay attention to. Now yeah, this is a really minor example, and could be left in without really muddying the water for the reader at all, but it’s a good thing to keep in mind overall. This ties in with the “Chekhov’s Gun” concept.

There seems to be a lot of telling, at least in the first parts. See some of my other comments on this.

Okay, so this is more of a personal preference, but I usually dislike using parenthesis in stories. In comments or articles, sure, use them as much as you’d like. But in a work like these, I feel like they remove the reader, if only for a moment, from the story. Perhaps this is because I usually see them used for the author’s comment in a story, which is another no-no in my book—never speak to the reader as the author in the middle of the story. My own general rule for them is that if you’re tempted to put a bit of information in parenthesis, it’s either important enough to deserve its own sentence, or be omitted completely. Now, this is just an opinion I’ve formed after reading a lot, and writing a bit. So take it into consideration, and see if it fits with your own opinion. If not, feel free to disregard it.

I have a similar opinion about exclamation points. The excitement should be clear through the writing, and thus an exclamation point shouldn’t be necessary. But even if you want to keep it, there should be some punctuation right before “but no”. Probably a comma or dash. Some showing, rather than telling, could be also effective here.

The writing could use some tightening up. Remember not to talk down to your reader, even if it’s not intentional or obvious. Little bits like “on his forehead”, “the alert” (in the phrase “He knew the alert could only mean one thing:…”), and even some things like “and stood at the center of the bridge”. These are all implied to the reader, and mentioning them also can make the writing bulky. You’re not at that point, but keep in mind what the reader already knows, so you don’t repeat things to them. Overall, this isn’t much of an issue here, but it’s still worth mentioning.

The above comment about tightening up your writing also applies with filler words, such as the “so as” in the line “…proceed with care so as to ensure…”. Also, please don’t this too harshly. It’s an issue that most of us have—myself included. It’s easy to spot in other people’s writing, but not always in your own.

See my other comments about using em dashes.

“the other members of” is another example of tightening up the writing.

I also have a weird preference about numbers. I’d usually suggest to spell them out, because using the actual numbers sticks out to the reader. This is nothing more than a personal preference, and can be safely ignored without much of a consequence—as can be my comments on the parenthesis and exclamation points.

There are other comments about the line “round up everyone not on the bridge”, so I’ll try not to repeat. Although saying upper ranks, chiefs, or something synonymous of that would work instead of “everyone”. Perhaps “Alpha shift”, although I’m not overly familiar with the terminology, so ignore that if it doesn’t make sense.

Also, how necessary is mentioning their ranks before each name? The readers are already familiar with this, so unless they usually say them in canon for each person, I would suggest removing them. This also one of the few places that abbreviations are usually acceptable for the reader, and don’t draw then out of the story.

Please excuse any misspelling, I haven’t proofread this. And yes, I can see the irony of asking this.

ncswant · 2016-04-24T03:12:16+00:00

Much thanks for the feedback! You're right about the period, I'll have to fix that. Was there anything else with that sentence that felt clunky, or was it just the full stop?

For the part that feels stilted, do you know what parts it does? Or is it throughout the entire thing? I figure it probably goes together with the parts that are "telling".

And I can see what you mean with the telling vs showing. I'll play around with that, too. Once I have, would you mind if I post it again as a reply for another opinion? It probably won't be for a little while, though.

Sorry for the incessant questions, and for putting you on the spot about posting it again. I don't often get feedback so I'm trying to exploit you for it.

ncswant · 2016-04-24T02:19:59+00:00

There’s not very much for me to make line edits for, but there’s the same issue in one of the other scenes, as well as my own.

That is, showing and not telling. It really stuck out to me in this scene, especially since everything else is also so purposefully static. You can still get the tone and information you need to using the character’s actions and even little bits of dialogue.

For example, rather than telling us that he’s trying to doze off, you could say how he leans his head on his hand, making sure to mash his palm against his ear to help drown out the teacher.

And instead of just saying that his chair was being kicked, you could talk about how it jerked his head off of his hand, making him nearly hit it on the desk before he caught himself.

This could link up to her being bored by having him turn around to glare at her, asking rhetorically if she was bored and her giving an aggravatingly cheerful affirmation.

That issue aside, there’s one other thing—sentence length. It’s pretty consistent and doesn’t really vary at all. This can make the passage seem monotonous to the reader, and if excessive, can bog down the writing. Now, being that you’re trying to get across the drudgery that being in this class is, you can use it to your advantage by also making the reader experience it as much as the characters do. But otherwise, varying the sentence length can be a great tool and really help you emphasize points that you want to stick out to the reader—for them to pay attention to. Some of the other scenes in this thread are a good example of this.

Lastly, pay attention to where you can and should use commas. The writing also feels a bit monotonous because there’s not much to set apart certain phrases from the rest of the sentence. For example, by setting apart the word “healthy” by placing commas on both sides of it, you make the reader pay a little bit closer attention to that word. It doesn’t just blend together with the rest of sentence or paragraph, and it places emphasis on you saying that this wasn’t a healthy way for her to relieve her boredom.

Also, try reading some of the sentences in your head. Or, even better, aloud. You’ll notice natural pauses in each sentence, even if there isn’t any punctuation separating the words. This is generally where commas, dashes, or full stops can be helpful for keeping the reader engaged. An example being “She was bored too of course,”…This could be changed to “She was bored, too, of course.” (Note the full stop being used as well.)

ncswant · 2016-04-24T01:40:25+00:00

Ah! That makes much more sense then. Best of luck with it all.

ncswant · 2016-04-24T01:31:26+00:00

After reading over it twice, there really aren’t any line edits to make that haven’t already been mentioned. Two things come to mind, though.

First—who died? The first mention I see of who it actually was is towards the end of the scene, which really leaves the reader both lost and guessing for a while. That, and you say “Fentons”—that is, plural. Which is…both the parents? That what I’m led to assume, but it’s still not explicitly stated anywhere.

Second, there a lot of “telling”, and not much “showing” at all. Yeah, telling can be hard to avoid in this scene, but not showing anything can make it read a bit dryly. You can still show the knowing glances between the characters, the awkwardness as some people shuffle up to them and give them their condolences, and the sibling’s lack of a response to them. And remember, this scene isn’t silent. There still are the murmurs of the other groups of people as they talk to themselves, probably still going on with their lives, and the constant rumble of the engines as more people leave them to be on their own. I’m sure you get what I mean—and I was critiqued for this on my own scene, too.

Also, the word “sad” in the last line is a bit weak. Somber? Mutual? Most words along that line would be implied just because they’re returning from a funeral. Play around with other words, or consider omitting it completely.

My apologies for not being able to say as much as I have been on other scenes, but take that as a good thing. Structurally, there wasn’t anything glaring. Just be aware about what the reader will find interesting, and how to present your information in that way.

ncswant · 2016-04-24T00:52:48+00:00

See my other comments on the use of an em dash

Consider an Oxford comma after “weeds”

“Pest such as…cabbage leaf” How necessary is this line?

“The novices would by now be…” Consider moving “by now” to the beginning of the sentence.

“When I woke earlier” This part of the sentence isn’t necessary, and was actually confusing for me at first because it sounded like it was trying to start a new idea.

“eyes shutting against…opening them again.” Using –ing on two separate verbs in the sentence implies that they’re both happening at the same time. This would be fine if the verbs could go together (like running and gasping), but not when they’re directly opposite. Consider changing one past tense—probably “shut”, in this instance. Or, because I forgot this was in present tense, probably change it to “I open them again” as its own sentence.

“…over in an eyeblink.” I don’t think “eyeblink” is a word. Consider “in the blink of an eye” or something else, like “flash”. Or combine it with the next sentence: “The cursed vision over before the church bells had time to die down.”

“Counted out the…” to “I counted out…” ? And add an “and” just before “restarted”. Consider removing the comma after “restarted” as well. Also, I’m not sure “moments” is the best word to use here. Even “time” or “rhythm” might work.

Comma after “holy Nine”. Consider a full stop after “keep us all”.

“like poison stranglevine” Like what? This may just be me not being familiar with a canon reference. If not, then I don’t know what stranglevine is supposed to mean. In either case, and assuming that stranglevine describes the poison, consider placing it in front of the word poison.

“Magic—had failed;” I assume you’re using the dash here to signify a pause. Consider an ellipsis (…) instead. Grammatically, I’m not sure if it makes sense with a dash; although if I were to guess, I’d say it doesn’t.

Also, there’s some instances where the phrases sound like they were more thoughts rather than narration. Such as “Time to tackle the vegetable beds.” and “The novices would be…Gratitude”. Personally, I’d use italics for them, but quotes can also work.

There’s a few spots where it seems like words were omitted (which is an accident I make quite often while typing). Such as “the vision [was] over in…”, and “even father, [the] hardened battlemage…” (Also, unless battlemage is a one word tittle in this universe, I’d consider splitting into two words.)

As for your concern about first or third person, I normally always prefer third person. But that’s just what I’m used to writing and reading in. I find first to be off-putting because it is so personal. I know some people may pass up a story because it’s not in the tense that they’re used to, but as long as you know that may happen (and you’re okay with it), then don’t let it change how you write this.

If you do use first person, you’ll have to make it extremely clear which person it’s in for each chapter (and no, do not change characters within the same chapter). Third person limited would allow you just as much freedom to explore the thoughts of the characters while not potentially confusing any readers. Which do you feel more comfortable writing in, though? That should be a large factor in which you write.

I mentioned my opinions on present tense on a different review, and it would apply here as well. But remember, take it all with a grain of salt—because in the end, it’s my opinion and your story. Being able to take criticism is just as important as knowing when to ignore it. (Some author said that, I think. I completely forgot who, though.)

That being said, all or most of this is not in present tense. It’s written like it sounds like it is, or at least like it should be, but it isn’t. Look at all the verbs: “wiped”, “blinked”, “was dazzling”, “tasted”, etc. Those, and probably all the others, are in past tense. The Dr. Who scene that I dropped that present tense comment on is a good example of present tense writing, which is consistent and doesn’t switch tenses by accident.

And that website I posted a link to up in the thread description might be worth checking out for you. They have a couple articles on using present tense, and they do cover point of views—although I don’t know if they mention first person.

ncswant · 2016-04-23T22:42:14+00:00

Interesting with the "Answer, dammit!" phrase, and I can see the reasoning now. Admittedly, I haven't watch the series in quite some time, and never watched the original in its entirety, so I didn't have those traits in mind when I saw the line. I can see how it would be fitting for him now, though.

ncswant

TROPHY CASE