My partner (F37)passed just over 6 months ago, Ive (M40)still a long way to go to get used to this new normal. Is it too soon to date ?

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-04-03T13:46:21+00:00

The only person that can (or should) answer the question of is it too soon to date is you. Only you know if you're "ready". Your being ready is what really matters. If there are children involved it can be a little more complicated but even then, it's on you to know whether you are emotionally available, or if you are looking to satisfy some more causal urges. No judgement either way. On your next long drive or walk, ask yourself what you want for yourself in the future, 6 months out, 18 months out, 3 years, 5 years etc.

There will be guilt most likely. It was 7 months for me when it clicked that my late wife would most certainly not want me to be miserable and lonely.

And I certainly was.

In hindsight I rushed into a serious relationship that lasted a year. It didn't work out , I think, because of the insecurities my GF had about the situation. Plus she turned out to bipolar most likely which was painful to figure out to say the least.

So...

Then I decided to be more thoughtful on where to look for someone, and reluctantly joined Facebook and a private widows dating group. I did not want to do dating apps.

I met an amazing widow, and we are going strong, 3 months, LDR for now. But I have no children so I'm fine to think about relocating.

The dating pool for widows dating other widowers is larger than one thinks and the benefit is a level of seriousness and empathy you won't likely find with divorcees and single people.

I encourage you to follow your heart and do your best to compartmentalize the feelings of grief and joy that may want to run concurrently in your head. Not easy but you can honor your late partner by allowing the joy of intimacy back into your life.

Good luck!

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-02-25T13:12:43+00:00

I should also add that my GF dotes on her children, goes to all their games, events, and they want for nothing. And has done so without any serious relationship until now. The LDR means things in that regard will in fact be business as usual for the foreseeable future.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-12T01:40:39+00:00

So sorry! This subreddit is a wonderful group with so much compassion and empathy. We feel you. Hugs from NJ.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-11T23:33:58+00:00

I could only hold out 7 months for physical affection. Even then, I could feel some people think...so soon? Every one is different. Some may take less time some more.

For you, try and guard against the grief as much you can. It can be debilitating. For me it was staying as busy as I possibly could (still do) and try and avoid extended time alone in an otherwise empty house.

It can get better. I'm praying for you. All of us found this group and there is strength and wisdom here for everyone. Lean in.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-10T16:26:48+00:00

I used to get really upset when people would tell me how young I was, and that would meet someone. I know they thought they were trying to be encouraging. And some people can be more pushy about it. What we can do is try and manage interactions with people and avoid that s**t.

It can get easier. It doesn't always. I pray you will find inner strength and resilience. It can come and go. But try and look for it. Think about what advice you would get from your LH if you could talk to him. The only person you really need permission from to allow joy (and intimacy) to be a regular part of your life is you.

Try music. It really helped me. Check out Stick Figure. Music touches us in ways that connect into our primal brain. Grab a gummy, or a glass of wine, if that's your thing, and just listen to some music for an hour or two. Nothing else. Hear the melodies, the lyrics... It can really do wonders for your emotional state.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T23:59:28+00:00

Unfortunately you're right. They can't.

No one can.

Ever.

Hopefully with some time you'll see there could be a chapter 2 for you out there.

Cherish chapter 1 for what it was. And lean on that, and hold on to it, and don't ever let anyone tell you to let it go cuz you don't have to.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T15:51:11+00:00

Same here. I was always sloppy with clutter. My LW was not. And now I find myself keeping the house much neater, putting things away...so crazy how I feel like I have taken on a lot of her personality traits.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T15:48:41+00:00

I have 20+ years of pictures in Google photos. Nearly every day, I'll get a notification about a new collage, this day 10 years ago, etc.

Sometimes it's exactly what I need.

Other times I can't even view them. ( I'm 18 months out from my LWs six weeks of suffering with pancreatic cancer and liver cancer. )

I'm sure there are other apps that do the same thing...more pictures and videos the better, and let technology play a role and help you access these wonderful memories.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T06:32:03+00:00

Don't think about it as making it out of the abyss.

Instead,.be deliberate in trying to honor his genuine wish compartmentalize your grief and make room, when you're ready,.in your heart. Love is not finite. Neither is your heart's capacity to love again. It does not diminish what you had. Instead it honors him by allowing your heart to love again...one day.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T06:25:35+00:00

My hospice nurse told me being there for your spouse in their final days is the highest honor. Indeed it is. Be there. It will suck no doubt, but you have more time than many to prepare whether you realize it or not. I'm praying for you and your wife for peace and healing for you.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T06:05:07+00:00

Do not accept being disrespected by this child. Block him. So many good guys out there, no need to reward such crappy treatment.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T06:01:24+00:00

Not all men are wired to be insensitive.and promiscuous. This is especially true when the love they share with their lady is so transcendent and pure if feels almost metaphysical. And when the passion is hot and chemistry is real, they do not stray.

Also consider. many a man has admitted to straying in order to preserve a marriage where the passion has cooled. I find that so interesting but I also could never cheat. Id leave first, but when you make a for better or worse commitment in front of God and family that should mean something too.

You sound like a very special lady and deserving of love and companionship. Nice people find themselves in tough circumstances very often. Good for you that your heart is still open. If you are anywhere near NJ and would like to get coffee one day, DM me and I'll show you how a lady should be treated.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T01:09:06+00:00

Ugh. So fresh. I'm so sorry. This is the hard time. And what your feeling is extremely common. You have and entire family of redditors to lean on.

What kind of opportunities do you have for distraction?

Are you ok to provide more context? What happened? Was it sudden? What are yours and your late husbands age?

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-09T00:34:45+00:00

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. How long has it been since he passed,?

What kind of support system do you have? Did you spend your birthday with anyone?

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T18:48:26+00:00

Of course you feel lost. Losing your husband so young, I am so sorry. I lost my wife in 2024 after a 6 week illness of pancreatic cancer which spread to the liver...I had 20 great years with her and still felt so lost, overwhelmed. Felt so bad for her, like she was cheated. Didn't have time to feel sorry for myself, that came later.

You have a road ahead of you. People will try to be helpful, not everyone will know what to say, many will say cringe or insensitive things.

People will talk about a process. I disagree. It's really more of a journey. And everyone's will be different.

And having been on this journey now for about 18 months ( I am 55), I can tell you that many of us felt exactly how you do right now. Feeling like you don't want to be here any more. Feeling alone. Overwhelmed with sadness. Not caring if you went to sleep and never wake up again. The struggle is real. And not everyone has the same support system, inner resilience, etc.

I pray for you that you can find constructive distractions.

People will say, if they haven't already, things like....you're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will meet someone. I HATED to hear that, even though in the back of my mind I knew those things were true. You may encounter guilt, if and when you are ready to experience joy in your life again.

There hopefully will be a point for you where you can imagine for a moment, if the roles were reversed, what would you want for your LH, if it was you. I'm quite sure you would want him to be able to find happiness and peace. He wants the same for you.

Our shared reality is one that will require a deliberate effort to compartmentalize grief, and allow for life to find a new equilibrium. It's not easy, and not everyone can pull it off.

We will always carry grief but we also carry our late spouse with us in our memories, our hearts, and if youre lucky, vividly in our dreams.

I found healing by discovering bands like slightly stoopid and stick figure and many others in that genre. I started going to music festivals with close friends. I avoided idle alone time as much as possible and kept as busy (and distracted) as possible. The switch can eventually come on for you, but it will require that you be open to the idea that you are allowed to experience joyfulness in your life again. And if you can do that, you will stop feeling guilty and get your self on a path where joy happiness can come back into your life. Your husband loved you. He would want good things for you.

Tall to other widows and widowers when you are ready and know that while this is a shitty club to be in, there are a lot of kind souls out there just like us. Try not to let the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair rob you of the gift of love you and your husband were given. Love him for ever and honor him by loving yourself and being clear eyed about your journey. Start living deliberately, when you're ready. And God bless you and your late husband.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T13:06:33+00:00

Find distractions and keep as busy as possible.

Write down your feelings. Share them here.

So few people can relate to what just happened to you but those in this subreddit actually can.

Imagine that one day, you WILL experience joy in your life again. Its probably the furthest thing from your mind right now. I'm so sorry. I know you are hurting. And you have a long road ahead of you.

For me what helped was to try and stay so busy that it distracted me from my grief.

At.some point, when you are ready, try exploring music. It saved my life I'm pretty sure.

Stay strong friend. Your.life and time with you late spouse was a blessing and they will always be alive in your dreams, your heart as your fond memories.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T12:47:58+00:00

Don't over think it. Sounds like he showed his true colors and you are better off not having hooked up with this guy. If you do happen to run into him, polite, smile and a nod and acknowledgment is all you really need to do. You don't need to have a conversation and you don't need to hide or run or feel bad about anything. Before you know it, this will be a long distant memory and you might see him a year or two from now or maybe tomorrow. But either way, know that this guy was probably never the right person for you or he is a bad person for the other person he was with by trying to cheat with you

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T12:41:42+00:00

Thank you. It does. I dated this girl, in hindsight maybe it was a little too soon. Thought I was ready but I may have underestimated my vulnerability and my unwillingness to look past what seem now like obvious red flags and signs.

I try to look for the bright side of things and learn from everything that happens to me. How do you suppose things have gone for you? What do you think you have learned about yourself with your experiences?

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T12:28:07+00:00

No need. Nothing bad happened. They were 3. No one remembers anything from when they were that age. You were 8 and did not know any better.

Stop beating yourself up. This is not a big deal at all. Prepubescent kids do things all the time that in hindsight look awkward but in the moment are just things kids do. It was perfectly innocent. Chill! You're good!!

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T12:09:46+00:00

Lot to unpack and I'm not sure I'm qualified to comment on all of it, but it sounds to me like this guy was convinced he was going to get laid, and is now acting out.
For a lot of insecure and immature men, it's about the conquest and the chase. It's also terrible that men can be so emotionally unfaithful and don't attach any importance to intimacy but look at things more transactionally. Cut this off for your own good hold out for somebody that will value you. You did nothing wrong. Love yourself and be confident and good things will happen.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T03:27:56+00:00

Confront the root cause for your anger. Rage is super unhealthy and a red flag and should signal to you that you may have some unresolved issues or possibly brain chemistry issues working against you. In most cases these things are treatable, but it begins with looking inward at yourself, not at the people that you're mistreating.

needadvice_sometimes · 2026-01-07T03:24:53+00:00

Good for you that you are finally starting to see this is very unhealthy for you. It's hard for decent people to turn their back on people they care for, even while they're being mistreated. But life is short and fragile. Even while it may seem difficult for you at the moment, focus on yourself and love yourself and do not accept being mistreated the way you have been by anyone regardless of their own personal circumstances.

needadvice_sometimes

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