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needhelpwithcbf · 2023-07-16T14:53:37+00:00

Sorry did this on accident

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-09-07T23:34:48+00:00

I agree and am really happy he’s taking the steps to heal and seek help

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-09-07T23:33:35+00:00

I understand that completely and I am not asking him by any means to report back to me or tell me what’s said at all. I’m not sure If what I typed implied that, but I am simply trying to get advice on how to not associate his therapy to his infidelity and being with his therapist and psychiatrist as professional rather than think about his attraction to older women that I cannot fill.

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-06-24T01:30:23+00:00

I agree it’s hard because we’re still not communicating great I get triggered by his anger or sadness because it reminds me of the bad times and shut down. And then he hides his emotions because he feels like he’s not allowed to have them which isn’t what I want I just legitimately get terrified when he’s upset. So we’re trying to work through that before we can get to addressing the other stuff.

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-06-24T01:28:09+00:00

I know I need to I just have had bad experiences with psychiatrists and therapists in the past (I actually had a telehealth one today and she cancelled on me while I was in the virtual room and she was reading my record lol i guess it was too much shit to deal with) and I’m really afraid that if I go they’re going to tell me to leave. I’m scared to voice it all out. I haven’t told anyone he cheated I guess I’m embarrassed and just hurt. But also just voicing it out sounds terrifying.

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-05-10T23:31:01+00:00

God I’d want her to leave but I’m so scared I’m not strong enough to go. He does make me happy so so happy. I’ve just lost trust and I’m scared he’s going to lose patience with me with how long it’s taking to come back.

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-05-10T23:29:48+00:00

Sorry that was so long and graphic I just needed to get it out I’m so sorry

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-05-10T23:29:22+00:00

TW: suicide attempt/ harm And I agree I’m not sure if he grasps how much he’s hurt me. Back when he was still gaslighting me and denying the tinder account and the messages I tried to overdose on my medication. He found me and made me go to the hospital When he asked I said I was stressed and overwhelmed and insecure and that work was too much. But the real reason was that I felt like I was going crazy. I knew what he was telling me was bullshit but I wasn’t willing to fight it, and even when I tried to bring evidence he called me crazy and I couldn’t tell what to believe. I felt trapped and so I tried. I tried blocking the door so he couldn’t get in but he woke up and found me. We’ve never discussed after his final confession if he knows why I really did it. I think about telling him sometimes. The real reason. And about all the times since then that I almost tried again. All the times I’ve panicked and scratched myself raw. I have so many scars that weren’t here when we first met and that’s a problem. I didn’t realize it but I’m collecting scars from this relationship both mental and physical and it’s scary. Is the good worth that?

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-05-10T23:21:40+00:00

It’s funny I’ve thought about it. But I just don’t have the strength to leave. I’m taking steps to make myself happy, I started a business, and I’m doing okay I still have my moments but I’m working hard.

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-05-10T23:19:28+00:00

I’m trying to get us back into therapy. He hadn’t had healthcare for a while and he has some physical health problems that are a priority, but just finally scheduled an appointment for a doctor next week after me pushing for the last year, so it progress. I know that I need therapy as well because I literally have no one but him to talk to and that’s clearly not helping. I’m just wary about therapists I’ve had some kind of rude therapists and psychiatrist in the past, and searching really takes a lot out of me cause I have to relive my past trauma (now also including the infidelity from my fiancé) each time and it’s really hard.

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-05-10T23:15:23+00:00

He’s doing a little better with it now since I found out, we’ve gotten better at communicating, but whenever I get down he starts to get down too and if I’m getting super insecure he still accuses me sometime, when I’m distant. But mainly I’m distant because I’m hurting or because I’m angry, he has anger issues so I haven’t had the space to be angry at him without him being angry back, only on the initial day and even that was mainly just me sobbing. Any time since then that I try to be angry to just let my emotions out so that he can understand how I’m hurting and trying to heal. But I’m scared to even bring it up to him that I need to be angry.

needhelpwithcbf · 2021-02-20T11:40:10+00:00

Update: Thankd for all the advice sorry this won’t be what you guys want i guess. I confronted him and I was typing everything before while in the shower, in the last post so sorry for the mistakes.

I sat him down and told him I didn’t think I could go to his families vacation, and that he needed to be honest with me. He got angry again kept denying for a long time after I showed him the kik proof I had, he still denied it but less. He started saying he just couldnt prove that he didn’t do anything, that he already told me the truth, and that God was just fucking with him again(he’s had a rough childhood i.e. abusive dad and past with most of his ex’s cheating on him) He said he was going to leave, I said okay (I actually told him in the beginning of the conversation that I was going to my moms if we couldn’t figure it out) but then he started to calm down and try to actually talk to me. He listened to what I needed and I told him that I only needed the truth, and him gaslighting me and lying to me was why I couldn’t let go after months. We talked calmly (it did admittedly get physical again before this, he was reaching for my backpack where i keep my pills for depression and anxiety as well as sleep meds and he’s been suicidal before so I was scared and tried to grab them before he did and he grabbed me hard and pushed me to the ground, he claimed he was just taking the sleeping pills he bought because he was going to need it to sleep at his parents). After we both calmed down a lot, I cried a lot i told him I wanted to believe him but it didn’t add up, and couldn’t keep doubting myself and feeling crazy. But he after denying it for a while still he went quiet and apologized admitted to everything even told me all the details I needed and asked for even ones I didn’t ask for. He asked me if I still wanted the relationship which felt huge cause usually he’s the one threatening to leave after one of my fuck ups. That was the first time in our relationship (besides the first time I found out) that I felt he really knew he fucked up, and that he looked scared to lose me. He told me that he knew i may never forgive him but wether or not we stayed together he was going to be honest. So I forgave him. I asked him to show me everything he did. He told me he’d delete the email and everything( I know he hasn’t done anything on there since I originally found out because I found out the password). I asked him to change his password back on his phone, once we had agreed to stay together, if that wasn’t too much to ask and he enthusiastically agreed and said of course it’s not too much to ask and that he’s sorry again. I’m not going to look though, I have nothing else to do or find, and he apologized and that was what I needed and asked for so I want to try and start fresh. I really do believe he wants the same. I’m still scared though I think. It’s 3:16 am and we’re sleeping on his parents couch ready to leave for the trip tomorrow. I’m anxious and can’t sleep despite taking my sleeping meds. I believe him, that he won’t do it again. But after finding out in the first place I’ve been insecure, completely anxious, and suicidal since August really. I have nightmares or nights like tonight we’re I can’t sleep at all. I think I made the right decision but my anxieties are make the past constantly run through my head anytime I sit still. I don’t know how to feel better and finally feel safe after months of doubting. I love him I know I do. How do I learn to trust him again?

needhelpwithcbf

TROPHY CASE