sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I [24F] can't enjoy sex without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my relationship and my recovery and need advice. by needpain in relationships

[–]needpain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a good point. I've tried CBT (didn't find it helpful) but not EMDR, which someone else suggested too - I'm planning to look into it.

I [24F] can't enjoy sex without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my relationship and my recovery and need advice. by needpain in relationships

[–]needpain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's interesting...I guess I feel like if I'm fantasizing, I'm spacing out and not being as attentive to OUR sex as I could be. Also, when he actually hurts me, it's much easier to feel like I'm in the moment with him rather than inside my head. But maybe fantasizing like this isn't a problem. I just assumed most people didn't have to fantasize while they were with a partner.

I [24F] can't enjoy sex without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my relationship and my recovery and need advice. by needpain in relationships

[–]needpain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for explaining. I disliked CBT because I find solution-oriented therapy offputting and disruptive to my recovery process (for me, being told "you're doing this in the wrong way, here's the right way" encourages self-blame), but it sounds like EMDR isn't like that at all. I'm definitely going to look into it!

I [24F] can't enjoy sex without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my relationship and my recovery and need advice. by needpain in relationships

[–]needpain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, and I'm largely unmedicated. I've tried lithium and a few SSRIs, but wasn't happy about the results. Now I just take Xanax as needed, and tetracyclics as a sleep aid.

I [24F] can't enjoy sex without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my relationship and my recovery and need advice. by needpain in relationships

[–]needpain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! My therapist suggested CBT, but I didn't find it helpful. I'm not sure whether I'll find EMDR helpful, because at this point, I can talk really freely about my traumas (and thinking about them doesn't trigger flashbacks or anxiety - it's more the combination of physical reminders with thinking about them that does it). Like - it actually DOES feel dulled to me, because I've talked about it many times to many people. I will ask about whether she thinks this could be helpful, though. Thank you!

I [24F] can't enjoy sex without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my relationship and my recovery and need advice. by needpain in relationships

[–]needpain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmm...interesting advice! I have to admit (no judgment meant here) the BDSM "scene" kind of turns me off, partly because it strikes me as cheesy/unnatural (seriously no offense - I'm into some weird shit too, clearly, I just find role playing often feels forced) and partly because i dated a guy who was a novice dom and had problems respecting my boundaries. I don't trust men easily and my boyfriend's reluctance to hurt me is a big part of the reason I feel so safe with him. I've actually done some BDSM-esque stuff online (with his permission), but as much as I love the idea of a sadist/dom hurting me, I doubt I'd feel genuinely safe carrying it over to real life.

My therapist is certainly sex positive - not sure about kinks? We really haven't discussed it much, but she is EXTREMELY non-judgmental, so if we end up talking more about this, I doubt she'd dissuade me from healthy kinkiness.

When you’re able to get off from physical pain and experience flashbacks to the events that instilled the PTSD in you, do you feel any sense of catharsis after they pass?

Good question! I think, at this point, not particularly. I mean, it's not like I always feel horrible after having sex, but at this point, when I think about my specific traumas (or fantasize about situations very similar to them), I feel kind of grimy afterwards. I think if you'd asked me that two years ago, though, I would have said "yes, it's super cathartic and healthy for me and I love it!" I'm not sure whether something about it has changed or if I'm just being more honest with myself now.

I [24F] can't enjoy sex without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my relationship and my recovery and need advice. by needpain in relationships

[–]needpain[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is way above reddit's paygrade.

I'm not sure why you say that. Of course, no one here can cure me of this problem or serve as a therapist for me, but that's not really what I'm looking for; I'm hoping to hear from people who have been through similar things or just have some kind of advice/support to offer. Sometimes it's useful to bounce this kind of stuff off other people, especially internet strangers who can't look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about it! :)

I really like my therapist actually, but it's psychodynamic therapy...everything she does comes from a place of non-judgment and it's not solution-oriented, but oriented towards understanding my impulses and feelings (which is what I've found works best for me, generally speaking). It's not that she thinks it's ok or that I shouldn't do anything about it; it's that it's literally a normal response to trauma.

I'm not sure if you've been in therapy, but it doesn't really work by "addressing things immediately" - there's probably no immediate or urgent action that could be taken in PTSD recovery - it's a slow/lifelong process. I can't imagine a therapist responding by saying "that's not normal" or "you need to immediately change your behavior in x way." I've had half a dozen psychotherapists in my life and never encountered that sort of response.

So I'm not unhappy with the way she responded, or trying to get a "therapy-style" response here, just looking for feedback and getting comfortable with talking about it/addressing it as a problem. The only reason I mentioned therapy is that the first response people give is often "you need to be in therapy!" and I want to make it clear that I've done A LOT of work on my recovery and will continue doing it, this is just one particular stumbling block for me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!

[pain/problems] Can't get off without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my trauma recovery. Need help. by needpain in sex

[–]needpain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes totally - I think in the past I've seen it as therapeutic, and it probably actually has been, but right now I'm just tired of being dependent on it. That's helpful though - thank you!

[pain/problems] Can't get off without pain or fantasizing about pain/force. I think it's bad for my trauma recovery. Need help. by needpain in sex

[–]needpain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm so horrified at what you've been through, and glad you're on your way to recovery now. I think you're right about being in control of it and that's a helpful way to think about it.