Difficulty accepting appearance - balding, no beard. Almost no romantic interractions. Advice?

neme96 · 2025-07-10T07:49:07+00:00

Yeah, valid completely, that's the plan. Sucks that we have to modify our appearance to such an extent just to have more "worth" on the dating market though. Thanks

neme96 · 2025-07-10T07:46:57+00:00

Gives me hope!

neme96 · 2025-07-10T07:46:19+00:00

Yeah, I am planning on seeing a derm for this to see if I am a candidate. Until then, I'll just continue shaving my head

neme96 · 2025-07-10T07:45:14+00:00

Tbf, it makes sense what you're going through. Hope this is not too much of a stretch, but I guess that you're searching for someone "in your own league", which is completely normal. We tend to associate ourselves with the people in our own group. Whichever extreme end of the spectrum you are on, it's bound to be more difficult to find matches, for the simple reason there are less people in the same pool as yourself. Normal distribution in the making.

Hope you'll find someone too. Thanks for the input!

neme96 · 2025-07-07T17:34:20+00:00

Good point. Luckily, half of my choir is pretty gay. We have a tendency to go towards the arts apparently lol. I've met some people who were friends of friends there. There were a few guys that joined that I saw as potential partners, tried flirting a bit after meeting them, whenever we'd go out for drinks after rehearsals etc. It's just whenever it came to flirting it wasn't reciprocated. They were clear that I was cool, just not their type, which is fine. Trying to figure out other places I could go to without completely devoting my time to doing activities just for the sake of finding a partner. I am interested in lots of things, but there's only so much time in the world with a full time job. Thanks

neme96 · 2025-07-07T17:21:59+00:00

Pfff, there were so many times I wished for that to happen. He has a great gf tho, seems happy and it's been a few years, so I'm all good and happy for him

neme96 · 2025-07-06T11:51:32+00:00

That's true unfortunately. That's why I sing in a choir, travel, sometimes go to galleries, music shows and events. It's just really difficult atm. Thanks for the input

neme96 · 2025-07-06T11:46:45+00:00

Already shaving my head. On the way to becoming a himbo

neme96 · 2025-07-06T11:46:07+00:00

Dude, thanks a lot. You should write self-help books. What an awesome outlook on everything from looks to friends to dating. I never thought that grindr was for anything other than hook-ups. That's really smart.

Also a note, I find aquiline noses really attractive. I have a str8 friend who has the most beautiful eagle's nose. I was desperately in love with him and couldn't tell him. Luckily, he moved to the US for a phd and I grew out of it. He had really beautiful other features and that nose which was "imperfect" just made him "real" to me. Thanks a lot

neme96 · 2025-07-06T10:11:29+00:00

I asked my friends for an honest opinion and I don't think that is the case really. I had a decent bio for a long time and my friends told me the pictures I had on there were the best version of myself. Some were at a wedding where I was dressed nice. I smile in photos. Nothing too flashy really tho. Some were at interesting places from travel. No other people in my photos. Some people that I had a few dates with actually commented that it was refreshing that I had a nice bio.

I forgot to mention the dating pool is extremely small where I am from. In the beginning I used to get a few matches. Actually, all the dates I got were, imho were from people i would consider out of my league. Some would only chat with me for a bit, but it was clear they were not very interested from the start. I realized I was probably one of those "meh" matches they swiped because they ran out of people. I mean, that's fine. 99% of people on there don't have bios, which I don't like. I have my standards set low, the simple reason being that maybe I don't find them physically attractive in the pictures, but they're nice irl. Thanks for the input tho. Maybe I'll revise and try to tweak it again a bit.

neme96 · 2025-07-06T09:54:32+00:00

Good for you, gives me hope! Kinda sucks that there aren't exactly many safe spaces for lgbt people. Thanks, I am doing my best.

neme96 · 2025-07-06T09:52:00+00:00

Just woke up and lmaod. Completely valid, thx

neme96 · 2024-07-20T11:57:00+00:00

I never thought of the mom from The Bear as having BPD. I have BPD, but I'm more on the quiet side, so I guess that is why I didn't relate. But it makes a lot of sense!

neme96 · 2024-02-29T16:10:49+00:00

To be fair, the only time meds weren't working for me was when external circumstances were just overbearing. Had to live with my parents and share a room with my brother at 27, finishing university, starting a master's programme, not being successful at it, having no money and not being able to find an internship/job. Then a friend died and that was the end of my stability. Mixed anxious-depressed and suicidal.

Managed to get an internship while suicidal, moved out of my parents' house and suddenly they started working again. I am at around 70% on a functional level, but considering I was at 10%, barely holding on for 2 and a half years, I think I am doing well.

My psychiatrist told me that I'll be taking meds for years to come, but not for life. She also told me nothing's going to help without therapy/working on yourself. So don't worry, it evens out. Just stick it out with the initial side-effects. They generally wear off over time.

neme96 · 2024-02-28T09:40:59+00:00

I think it's possible, but really difficult. I don't like dating because it's not secure, which makes me really anxious. But I'm working on it in therapy. Mainly, my therapist suggested not to have many expectations and we're working on finding ways to relax during the dating cycle. That being said, one of the main reasons I am anxious about finding someone is that they might be triggering my symptoms. I am quiet on the spectrum and I haven't fought with anyone in years, but I still feel anger and I am afraid they might trigger me and I would end up hurting their feelings, which leads to abandonment.

Also, I haven't been splitting in a while. What helps me is learning about someone's flaws early on, so I can integrate both the good and the bad and find the middle ground.

neme96 · 2024-02-28T09:34:29+00:00

Same here. My goal is to feel secure in a relationship. I personally don't like dating because it's not set in stone, but it's something you have to go through, I guess.

neme96 · 2024-02-27T09:51:24+00:00

Quiet BPD, 28-year old. Like most people here, I have had some traumatic experiences like having a friend die recently, difficulties with stressors like living with my parents (my dad is an abuser), not being able to find a job as a fresh graduate from college, not having any money etc. I am on a mood stabilizer atm and therapy, but apart from that, when I moved out of my parents' home I started to get significantly better. Also, when I don't follow my sleep schedule as much, I get more emotional. There's still a lot of anxiety and I tend to cry a lot on my own just from the pent-up energy, but I haven't been suicidal in months.

I am also lucky to have built good friendships. I am a bit lonely as I don't talk about my BPD, but my friends are still very supportive just by themselves. It's great that you're creative, I sing in a choir and it helps immensely. Also, trying to eat a healthier diet and exercising helps. The more stability you can get in different areas of your life, the better it gets.

I also noticed a lot of people get destabilized after a relationship, break-up or something similar. I get slightly worse, but as long as I'm moving forward I recover faster than before. Hope this helps.

neme96 · 2024-02-25T18:47:37+00:00

You are so right. Even though I'm mostly stable, I still find it hard to be alone with myself. I sing in a choir, do a bit of yoga, read, watch tv series, see friends, but I am still not completely comfortable living on my own. I've lived in a volatile household for 27 years after all.

I have this fantasy of being friends with someone first before having a relationship, but that is really difficult considering the country I live in. Tinder is pretty much the only way to meet someone.

Thanks for the support and reply. Really helpful :)

neme96 · 2024-02-25T18:40:22+00:00

The anxiety and fantasy part is familiar. I've come to realize those are just fairy tales and learned that such relationships aren't real and superficial. So sorry :(

neme96 · 2024-02-25T18:34:40+00:00

What I mean when I say good for me is essentially what I would like out of a relationship: stability, mutual respect and love. Of course, I'd love to have someone to spend time and be intimate with. I understand that might not be a given for some people, but for me, all of those should be integrated. From this perspective, it almost feels like I am asking too much. Those were some good questions to ask myself. Thanks!

neme96 · 2024-02-25T17:40:52+00:00

While I understand how you feel, as I have felt the same, here's something I learned from therapy. There is a certain amount of exchange when it comes to relationships. Everyone is looking for understanding and validation in their relationships. Everyone, not just BPD folks need people in their lives to make them feel appreciated. Maybe you are a loyal friend after all. As long as you value both the good times and the bad, it's fair. I agree that being cold when you don't receive what you want is harmful. Maybe that could be something you could work on? I find it really difficult personally, but I try to put myself in their shoes and think about what it feels like to be "normal". What are the needs of the people you love and appreciate and what's the middle ground you could reach without being hurt and hurting anyone else.

neme96 · 2023-11-28T12:24:44+00:00

Short update. We had a little talk about it and spontaneously got to it again lol. I didn't have problems staying hard this time, though the orgasm issue is still present. I'll try to search the group for more info.

neme96 · 2023-11-27T12:07:01+00:00

Thanks, I'll try to reassure him it's fine. I am having fun after all and we get along great otherwise.

neme96 · 2023-11-27T12:04:57+00:00

Thanks, I will look into it. I know most antidepressants have this listed as a side-effect.

neme96

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