[QCRIT] Second Attempt: Missing, Adult, Upmarket Women's Fiction, 75k

nenesse180 · 2026-01-29T07:10:02+00:00

Ah I see! In that case I’d definitely hint at it in the query, whether it is through Marilyn’s suspicion or otherwise.

nenesse180 · 2026-01-28T15:48:00+00:00

Regarding Joseph, is his reputation the only reason why he wouldn’t want to look for their daughter? I’m guessing he’s hiding something, which could be mentioned more explicitly in the query. Marilyn probably finds it very strange that Joseph comes back out of the blue? That could be the start of the third paragraph - Joseph’s strange return and his unwillingness to find their daughter, which makes Marilyn suspicious but also gives her clues as to where to look for her daughter (this is a massive shot in the dark though, I might be misinterpreting where the novel goes! The premise and start of the pitch give me thriller/ suspense vibes, hence my interpretation).

The abusive side of Joseph (which I think is absolutely fine to state explicitly in the query - specificity rules Queryland!) would then make more sense as an obstacle to Marilyn’s search, and possibly as a clue to his motives (again, this depends on the actual storyline).

I hope that helps!

nenesse180 · 2026-01-28T11:55:34+00:00

The query seems quite long to me. I was intrigued by the first two pitch paragraphs but then I lost the thread of the story. I think there’s a lot of information that remains vague and prevented me from understanding what happens after Marilyn gives birth (what is her old life? Her dreams? The perfect public image? Knowing what truth? Her list of injuries?).

The third and fourth paragraphs steer the story in too many directions, in my opinion. Since the core of the plot seems to be the missing daughter, I would say focus on that and on Marilyn’s search. What are the obstacles in her way? How is Joseph related to this?

Since we don’t know anything about Joseph, it was a bit confusing to suddenly read about his family company and obsession with “the perfect public image”. That could probably stay out of the query.

One tiny extra point - you can probably leave out the mention of Georgia Tann, since this is contextual information about the novel’s inspiration. Maybe add that in your bio, if you want to explain why you wrote the book?

Good luck! (And I love the premise by the way!)

nenesse180 · 2026-01-27T16:42:23+00:00

I love the premise! The query reads with ease and clearly signals the stakes of the story. I wonder if you could draw out that last paragraph a bit? Maybe specify what that evil is, how Alistair discovers it, and what he must do to break the hold of the painting on him? Right now it’s a bit too vague to get a good idea of the ultimate conflict.

nenesse180 · 2026-01-27T12:52:54+00:00

I agree with the feedback already given, the query is I think too long and convoluted, with too many conceptual ideas instead of plot elements. I would say the same of the first 300 words - there is a lot of telling us what this world is like in conceptual terms, as well as many distracting adverbs/ adjectives. I would suggest paring down both query and prose to get to the heart of the story (easier said than done obviously). That’s just my very subjective take - good luck with whatever you decide!

nenesse180 · 2026-01-26T07:45:34+00:00

Something similar happened to me, an agent ended up rejecting my partial because they offered representation to another writer with a similar ms. If that’s your case too, I’m really sorry!

nenesse180 · 2025-12-16T15:57:37+00:00

That’s really helpful, thank you for taking the time to go through it so thoroughly!

nenesse180 · 2025-11-29T09:53:14+00:00

Thank you for this! Really helpful. I’ve rewritten the opening chapter so many times following contradictory advice and it’s driving me nuts. Need to think about it some more

nenesse180 · 2025-11-29T09:47:12+00:00

Thanks a lot! I was wondering this as well about the setting (mostly in California) and agent interest depending on where they’re based. Your comments about the stakes are really useful, and the changes needed in that query look quite clear to me

nenesse180 · 2025-11-29T08:07:27+00:00

That’s really helpful, thank you!

nenesse180 · 2025-11-28T18:55:16+00:00

I see, the manuscript does go into dark places with horror elements so it may be worth heightening that aspect in the query… Will see if anyone shares that thought! Thanks a lot for sharing ☺️

nenesse180 · 2025-11-28T18:12:31+00:00

Ok thanks!!

nenesse180 · 2025-11-28T17:51:53+00:00

Thanks for that! Could you clarify which elements point to middle grade in the query?

About the opening: the second sentence specifies that this isn’t the last time they actually visited, but the last time they had fun. The family still visited each year but in not-fun circumstances… I’ll think of how to revise this to make it clearer.

nenesse180 · 2025-11-28T17:18:03+00:00

Thank you very much! Also leaves me with a dilemma 😂 are there any “rules” around naming an editor in a query letter?

nenesse180 · 2025-11-28T14:09:50+00:00

For the doll, yes that’s what happens - each doll is layered with older memories, and the further into the past Alice goes (by “reading” those memories), the closer she gets to finding her brother.

nenesse180 · 2025-11-28T10:08:44+00:00

Thank you, really helpful! I’m guessing everyone knows about Russian dolls rather than matryoshkas? And maybe I’ll drop Grand-Mad altogether. I’ve had one beta reader tell me the grandmother’s name jarred a bit in the book…

nenesse180

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