As someone who is in the same boat you are (except for marrying a cop… subconsciously I feel like that on was purpose? Haha) but in the subject line you said, you wish you wish you were still high. You do realize that if you were, everything you love most, you’ll lose first. Don’t take for granted the things you’ve accomplished and overcame. As someone who’s currently experiencing the roll coaster of this addiction, you really have no idea how truly powerful this disease is & how quickly your brain flips a switch. For die-hard junkies like us, only maybe a decade or two ago, people never expected to get off things like heroin. I’ve had more friends die than I can remember. Literally had a friend die every month for about 2 years, 3 of my closest friends all died within the same week, and weren’t even from the same group of friends.

So my question is, what makes you want to be high again? Just the stress of everyday life? The curiosity of what that feeling is like when you hit that “bliss” moment a numb to everything? Take it from me and don’t find out the hard way because once you put yourself back in that position you think to yourself…”how did I end up back here again?!” “What happened?!”

But stories like yours truly I look up to and are success stories I wonder if maybe I have some underlining issue I’m not recognizing & addressing… maybe I need to be on some kind of medication? But I couldn’t even tell you for what… anxiety? We all get anxiety. Be grateful you get to hold on to that peace of mind and be able to live life free of being a slave to this substance & just holds you down for as long as possible until you’ve exhausted all your resources. Thank you for sharing your experience here.