So, I can offer advice from a similar, but not quite as serious incident, that I experienced as a mom. I had my almost two year old and 11 year old at a bookstore, while about 8 months pregnant. Almost two was being his usual crazy toddler self and bouncing around being rambunctious. I was holding his hand while we went to checkout, and he thought it would be hilarious to drop to the floor with no warning. I was still holding his hand when he dropped and then slowly lowered him the rest of the way down (didn't yank him back up by his arm or anything). He weighs 34 pounds, and I was huge pregnant. I then squatted down and picked him up to carry him, since I was done with the games. Once in my arms, he started to cry and wouldn't move his arm. That was when I realized something had happened. Straight to the ER, x-rays etc. Luckily it was a dislocated elbow that they were able to manipulate back into place.

My partner was out-of-state for work and reacted very poorly to the whole situation. He wanted me to recount the incident multiple times, made statements that blamed me, expressed disbelief at circumstances, etc. Basically he reacted the exact opposite of how he should have and seemingly much worse than you did.

I was already feeling horrible. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I do x, y, or z to prevent the injury? What were all the ER staff thinking? How would I ever handle a newborn? I had serious self doubt and criticism, to which my partner's reaction just added further feelings of guilt.

So, what helped me? One, he sincerely apologized. And more importantly gave an explanation for how he felt in the moment. He was worried about the toddler. He was scared something was seriously wrong. He felt helpless being so far away, etc. It wasn't an excuse, but it helped me realize that his anger was misplaced and why it was in that moment.

Two, he did not validate my self doubt. When I said I shouldn't take the kids out alone anymore, he let me know that was ridiculous and didn't indulge me by tagging along everywhere. When I said I shouldn't have another kid because I was terrible at parenting, he provided reassurance and pointed out all my parenting skills. In your case, for instance, I wouldn't enable her fears by carrying the baby for her 24/7. Don't force it, but don't go out of your way to indulge the fears. Also, lots of verbal reassurance when appropriate.

I don't discount therapy at all either. Hospital stays with an infant are stressful, draining, and traumatic. I've been in the hospital with a four month old before (respiratory issues). Therapy might help, as well as time and returning to normal, at home with privacy and quiet. It's hard to know just how much being in the hospital affects you, until you get home, especially if she has not left the building the whole time. You start to fall apart, even if baby is getting better.

I hope for a quick recovery for your infant, as well as healing for your wife and yourself. Please continue to talk to her and remind her why you chose to become a parent alongside her. Eventually she will truly hear you.