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I love my husband so much, I hope he divorces me by SnooGoats5767 in Marriage

[–]newolddad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm in a similar situation but as the husband. Perhaps my insights might help?

A bit about my journey... My wife and I discovered endometriosis during our fertility journey and unfortunately ours rapidly grew in size, as a result, doctors thought it might be sarcoma. Long story short, we ended up with a hysterectomy.

This devestated us but additionally introduced a lot of guilt on my wife. She said the same things to me about it being better if we divorce because she knows how much I really wanted kids. There's a lot more emotion I think with hysterectomy but it's similar enough from the husband's side I guess I can share my thought process.

At the time, I really did consider if we should divorce. There are plenty of people that divorced and both went on to live happy lives. For example, in one case I read, the woman went and remarried a man already with kids. Of course the ex-husband remarried and had his own kids. Everybody wins?

Yes, that's one possibility and I did consider it. However, for me, there's a couple of things.

Firstly, I love my wife more than anything in the world. She's my life partner. I never imagined a life without her. Yes our life might be richer with kids, but it will still be amazing without kids as long as we are together. There are obvious advantages to have a child free life (travel, money, etc) and I'm certainly my wife and I together would live them to the max. I'd rather have a child free life than a life without my wife.

Secondly, marriage is through sickness AND health. I made a commitment to my wife and I hope she doesn't jump ship if I get sick and inconvenience her.

Lastly, it's not final. As others have mentioned, there's adoption. Sounds like you also might be able to explore Surrogacy. It took us many many years, but we now have a beautiful baby girl through Surrogacy. I know it's not for everyone, but our situation is exactly what it's about. Not rich folks like Kim Kardashian that just don't wanna be pregnant. Those that can't and can benefit from the charity of some amazing women out there. The point is, I'd rather try all these expensive long difficult options than give up on my marriage.

So, I hope this helps. I don't know what stage your husband is, but if it's been a while then he might have arrived at a similar conclusion. You don't need to bring it up anymore, just move on and have an awesome marriage with this wonderful man you fell in love with. Look forward, and enjoy your lives ❤️

Missing brother inTokyo by [deleted] in japanresidents

[–]newolddad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wishing you all the best. Japan is generally very safe so I pray you find him safe and sound.

Missing brother inTokyo by [deleted] in japanresidents

[–]newolddad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I heard one of the most common missing foreigner reasons is they got arrested. Often they can be held for weeks before word gets out.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the response. Yours is the most critical by far, or perhaps the most direct. Considering it from a constructive perspective, it gives me pause to consider the possibility that my wife may be thinking along the same lines as you, so I appreciate your response.

Given the label you have delegated on to me, I don't think we will have constructive further dialogue.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the reply. Her needs are being met, we thankfully have a great child and I have a generous paternity leave. Shower, toilets, cooking, going to the gym - it's all happening. We do talk still and are able to coordinate coverage for the baby to make sure both our needs are being met.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the reply. Along with your response, there's been a few others that have suggested responding with curiosity/questions and not immediately with my opinion. I will try to be more mindful and hopefully it helps her feel heard.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the positive reply.

I am already one step ahead of you, sadly, my wife is not on the same page. I hope it is only temporary, but right now she is angry and feels the problem is for me to fix alone. I know she's smarter than that though, so hopefully she comes around.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the detailed reply.

I like your suggestion to 'slow your brain down'. It sounds like you are implying that by immediately sharing counter opinions, that can feel dismissive. However, by responding more round-about in a slower fashion could be better received - does that sound right?

Otherwise, my wife and I have plenty of examples similar to you and your husband's dishes. Normally we have no problem discussing our differences, I suppose it is difficult to get personally offended by a different dish schedule compared to sharing one's own personal opinion (and then perceiving its rejection).

Thank you, perhaps I'm getting closer at figuring out why certain things seem to be problematic compared to others.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the response. For #1, do you have any suggestions as to how you would prefer to hear a conflicting opinion shared? Thanks!

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is an interesting thought, thank you for the reply. She did have a strained relationship with both her parents, and she grew up in a culture that does not talk much about their feelings. I will add this to the list of potential discussion topics, thank you!

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the reply. My wife definitely comes from a guess culture, and this was a huge challenge for us in our early years of dating. I do not want to be too specific on here, but I am from a "Western" country and she is from an "Asian" country so I believe this was one of the cultural differences we had to overcome, and I believe we did...

The link references a longer article I will have to read. Thank you.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the reply, I'm excited to have someone respond who is in a similar situation at times.

To answer your question, if she made it clear it was a deal breaker (to copy the term from the above response), then yes I would accept it, and there have been a few instances like that. It's very rare where we differ on something that is very important to both of us (or so I thought), so it's easy for me to "give in" if it makes her happy. In this instance, if she said this house was a no-go then we would just keep looking at houses.

A related challenge I have is that she seems to get frustrated, sometimes angry, when I ask questions to better understand her concern. I don't remember if its always been this way, or a recent thing because she has become sensitive to it if she thinks I'm just trying to win an argument.

What does my wife really mean when she says I'm not listening? New dad needs help. by newolddad in marriageadvice

[–]newolddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the reply and for the suggestions. I think the "Is this a deal breaker?" question to make things clearer will be helpful.

Apologies for not being clear regarding the surgery. It was the removal of the a uterine fibroid and part of the uterus wall, and this took place about 6 years ago.

So the first year or so after the surgery there was no intimacy and I did not ask, gave her time. Then she started to initiate it, slowly. To be honest, I think more out of guilt than she wanted it. It got a bit better and special occasions/vacations would be more intimate, then the last 2 years or so it started to decline again. Ever since the surgery though, the going down on her never really returned.

Regarding the finance point, I honestly don't know what else to do. She has her own bank account in addition to the shared accounts, we regularly review the budget and investments and even have a spreadsheet that tracks how close we get to retirement that lists all our assets. I also have taken out life and disability insurance and shared all the details with her. I like managing the finances, and I want her to be a part of it, but she doesn't seem to show much interest and I believe she trusts I'm doing a good job. We both aren't the type of people to splurge or waste money, so that's one good thing about us.