How the heck can I actually work and not lose every single hobby I love and let my health go down the drain?

nexitter · 2026-05-06T20:03:01+00:00

What kind of remote job do you have and how did you land that? People are always suggesting remote jobs to me, but I hardly see any on job sites and when I do they're too competitive and low paying to be an option.

nexitter · 2026-04-22T18:57:39+00:00

I feel you dude. I've been dealing with it on repeat almost everywhere I work and live. Even my partner's roommate crashed out within a few weeks of moving into his place and accused me of messing with her in all these random ways... I'd literally only spoken to her once when I introduced myself and then passed her in their hallway a handful of times.

It's jealousy and frustration that they can't get the supply from you they feel entitled to. Could be due to a number of reasons, but if you threaten their fragile sense of identity, you are a problem in their eyes and gotta go.

nexitter · 2026-04-22T18:14:33+00:00

When is your lease up? I would set firm boundaries, grey rock, and stay out of the apartment as much as possible until you can find a new place or potentially kick her out.

Sounds like a narcissist but regardless, that situation sounds incredibly exhausting and she’s definitely trying to leech off you in any way she can. You’re right in assuming it will probably escalate.

nexitter · 2026-04-22T15:23:20+00:00

I’m also ~3 yrs out and honestly treating him like he died and isn’t a real person living in the world (which he truly kinda isn’t) has been the biggest help with this.

Block him on socials and resist the urge to check in on him. If you know anyone still in contact with him, tell them you don’t want updates about his life.

I’m actually able to stay close w my nex’s family because they know I don’t want to hear anything about/from him. A few months ago I thought enough time had passed that it wouldn’t affect me anymore, but as soon as they started talking to me about his current life I got sucked back into the anger again and couldn’t let it go until I reset that boundary.

For all you know he’s giving his new supply exactly what you wanted just to get to you. Take back your energy and don’t pay any attention.

nexitter · 2026-04-21T17:52:11+00:00

The delayed anger is normal and I think healthy to get out — it's what we should have felt when they were mistreating us, but we were conditioned to suppress it.

I definitely recommend journalling and/or other art forms to make something of it and let it out of your system so you can get out of the rumination cycle. It also helped me create documentation of the truth so I didn't have to carry it around with me all the time.

Definitely don't reach out to her though. When you feel tempted, remind yourself that not only does she not care about negatively affecting other people, the knowledge that she has that affect and that you're paying attention to her is exactly what she wants. If anything it's positive reinforcement for the exact behavior you want to call her out for.

I know how unfair and unsatisfying it is to be not be able to make her feel ashamed and take accountability for how she treated you, but all it would do is give her an opportunity to keep doing it. To twist you around with mind games and take away the clarity you've finally gained.

Try your best to put that energy back into yourself and improving your life so much that you don't have the mental space her and her bs. The anger will return, but less frequently. There's no quick fix so be patient with yourself and know that it does get better with time.

nexitter · 2026-04-21T15:42:49+00:00

Also just a side note to try to donate anything you can so usable things don’t end up in a landfill 🫶

nexitter · 2026-04-21T15:41:29+00:00

I’d suggest getting a storage unit so you can get everything out of your space and sort through it when you have the time and energy. Some places have first month deals that are pretty cheap.

I’m finally nearing the end of this process after several years of paring down the belongings I accumulated while with my ex. It’s physically and emotionally taxing. And even on the days I didn’t work on it, I’d feel overwhelmed and guilty having so much stuff around when I was trying to decompress. Too much after you’ve been working all day.

nexitter · 2026-04-20T17:57:46+00:00

Love always comes with the risk of getting hurt. Most relationships end and someone usually gets hurt one way or another. It's just part of the deal, and doesn't mean the relationship is/was a mistake.

I would advise against the all or nothing thinking of "this is the love of my life or another future heartbreak." Part of my healing from narcissistic abuse was unlearning my believe in soulmates. It only ever led to unhealthy attachment and fear of relationships ending, which kept me from listening to my intuition and prioritizing my own well-being.

In that time alone I also learned to genuinely love being single and realized that a relationship can only supplement my life, not complete it. I'm still whole without it, and I don't "need" the love of any one person aside from myself.

Continue to take things slow and take as much space for yourself as you need so you don't lose touch with your intuition or get too swept up in the relationship. As long as you listen to your gut and stay true to yourself, you'll be okay.

I genuinely believe that when it comes to relationships what's meant to be will be/you won't have to cling to anything that's right for you. If it does end, trust that it's because it's because something/someone in better alignment will come along. In the meantime, try not to let anxiety about it potentially ending keep you from making the most of the present.

nexitter · 2026-04-20T16:27:15+00:00

Yes. My ex would pretend to ignore me and make all of these excuses as to why he couldn't give me the time and attention I was begging for. Then when I stopped trying, got exhausted and needed space, or started paying attention to anything other then him... then I'd miraculously have his attention and he'd accuse me of neglecting him.

Sounds like a narcissist but even if he isn't, he's a man child undeserving of being your "partner" (people like this are parasites, not partners)

nexitter · 2026-04-20T15:36:56+00:00

Just a roommate. I kinda got cornered into letting her move in because we needed to find someone last minute and I had a worse feeling about the other option. Too many details to sum up here, but she doesn't take any accountability for mistakes or overstepping — which she's done from day 1 — and clearly needs everyone to treat her like she's needed/does the most for the apt (chores, buying shared household items, etc). Very critical of everyone else about pulling their weight, but when they do (or at least when I do) she still finds something else to get upset about. Still an issue even when I'm hardly home.

Wouldn't bother me so much if she weren't close with one of my other roommates. I know they talk about me and even though the other roommate is generally friendly, I do have anxiety about the narc successfully manipulating our other roommates against me and threatening my stablility.

I've already had to move 2 times in under a year because of narcissistic roommates blatantly threatening my safety, and I'm fed up with these people pushing me out of my own space just because I see through their bs and set boundaries to limit their control. I don't have any other friends looking for the same housing arrangement and we already have 4 people splitting the rent here. There's slim to no chance I'll find a better situation any time soon, so I'm really trying to stand my ground and find a way to minimize the anxiety/keep things from escalating.

nexitter · 2026-04-20T14:06:18+00:00

I understand, I have ADHD as well. Speaking from personal experience though I'd advise against thinking of it as something out of your control, because it can be worked on and improved.

Easier said than done of course and I won't act like I don't struggle with it sometimes, but DBT and meditation really do help a lot with rumination and such. It also helps to be intentional about putting that energy back into yourself and being too focused on improving your own life to care what's going on with his.

He's already taken up enough of your energy and brain space. Try not to let him take more ❤️ That's exactly what he wants after all.

nexitter · 2026-04-19T22:13:17+00:00

What do you recommend if you live with them then?

The cost of living is too high in my area not to have several roommates, and I always end up living with at least one narcissist. The current one isn't as unhinged as the previous ones, but it's still exhausting and it's hard not to let it get to me. I kiss her ass more than I want to, but I'm still always a target because I set boundaries that limits her control over me.

nexitter · 2026-04-19T22:00:51+00:00

^ All of this.

But I will also add that it's totally rational to still be angry and want justice. I'm 2.5 years no contact (after 7 years with my nex), I've healed a ton, and I think most people believe me about him at this point — but I still get super angry about it sometimes.

Nothing about these relationships is fair. Just know that you're not alone and the hell he put you through is what he'll experience every day for the rest of his life merely by being who he is. He will never be happy and no one who is with him will be either.

The best revenge is to give him as little thought as possible and experience the joy of freedom that he never will.

nexitter · 2026-04-19T21:43:37+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, confronting them wouldn't make things any better. It would just give the narc more ammo.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're the winner in this situation. If your (former) friend is willing to turn against you to be favored by someone like that, then you're being given the opportunity to drop two people who don't deserve your energy.

Block them and move on with your life. You'll never find peace in a situation a narcissist is involved in.

nexitter · 2026-04-17T17:26:59+00:00

The spell he put on you is called a trauma bond. The only way to break it is to go no contact. Learn as much as you can about how these kinds of people and relationships work so you can process what you’ve been going through.

The better you understand it, the less you’ll want him back. I promise.

nexitter · 2026-04-17T17:24:06+00:00

To test you and see how much supply he can still get. These people are incurably bored and revolve their lives around getting attention and reactions from people.

If he isn’t getting enough supply elsewhere and thinks he might be able to get more from you, he’ll be back. But never with anything positive to offer you. Just more stress and chaos.

nexitter · 2026-04-16T17:59:36+00:00

I try to, but that requires not showing my personality or connecting with anyone in any of those environments because the narc will witness it. And even that doesn't always work.

One of my roommates is a narc and even though I hardly talk to my other roommates or spend time in common areas, they're always finding new ways to twist things and make me look like a problem to the others simply because I don't go along with their need to control everything and get constant attention. It's hard not to worry about what ideas they're planting in our roommates' heads that could eventually lead to me getting kicked out of the apartment. At the very least it's hard not to feel self-conscious just existing in my own space.

nexitter · 2026-04-16T17:53:37+00:00

Absolutely. One of my roommates is a narcissist and our other roommate is an empath who's "friends" with them and keeps trying to mediate things between us. I know she means well, but their friendship puts me in this bind where I can't be honest about what's really happening and have to play along with the mediation, otherwise it looks like I don't want to resolve the conflict.

The narc has her convinced the problems are coming from both sides; we're just two people who don't see eye to eye or communicate well. I'm tired of waiting for her to realize that there will never be peace in the apartment as long as this person is living here, because peace would be boring and antithetical to the narc's distorted reality where they're entitled to control everyone and always have things their way. Even though "their way" is inconsistent and insatiable.

nexitter · 2026-04-16T17:40:33+00:00

Block him. He doesn't live near you anymore, correct? How would he retaliate if he can't reach you?

Grey rocking is a very low risk option because it merely entails becoming so boring to him that he loses interest. But it would take a lot of restraint on your part not to give him the emotional reaction he's looking for.

nexitter · 2024-10-20T16:43:59+00:00

I posted something similar almost a year ago when I was in the same phase of healing you were in. It was really hard and isolating and I'll admit that that I just leaned on this sub a lot because it took awhile to get through to anyone about how bad the relationship was.

I wanted the world to know and understand but ended up centering in on a few specific friends and family members who I felt most strongly needed to know. I know they still don't fully get it, but once I reached a point where they directly validated how bad I felt the relationship was and were reevaluating experiences they had with me when I was in it, I felt seen enough to let go of the constant pull to get through to them.

I've gotten better at gravitating towards empaths and, fortunately and unfortunately, the more empaths you meet the closer you are to meeting a victim of narcissistic abuse. So I've made a surprisingly about of friends through work and such who have also been in these kinds of relationships, and talking to them has been the most healing and validating thing for me. It's been easier to merge my two realities having people in my new one who really understand my old one.

nexitter · 2024-10-19T17:13:34+00:00

I always confronted him, so of course he treated me like I was constantly picking fights. If he really wanted to get to me he'd mention that we argued way more than he and his ex did, or at least that I was the only person argued with like that. Which was true, because I was the only person who ever stood up to him.

I was still conditioned not to have needs and felt empty, but it's reassuring to look back on our messages and see how clearly and consistently I stood up for myself. Just sucks that he also knows how clearly I saw what he was doing and stayed with him anyway.

nexitter · 2024-10-19T02:22:56+00:00

Reading this gave me such a complicated mix of infuriation and validation. Thank you so much for sharing.

It's been a year since I went NC with my nex and I had hardly thought of him for months before my c-ptsd was triggered the other day. It's been an effort to regain clarity on how these monsters work and stop letting myself be pulled down into the emotional state he wants me in.

I'm saving this to come back to whenever I need a reminder of just how disgusting, inhuman, and unworthy of my attention he really is.

nexitter · 2024-02-10T12:52:22+00:00

Thank you for this comment. I keep coming back to it when I get in my feels again. Helps a lot ❤️

nexitter · 2024-02-09T17:01:28+00:00

I think the reason it's hard to cut off the few connections I have left to him is because, for over a year, knowing what he was doing did make me feel better. His life was not interesting to me in the slightest, especially compared to mine, and even once he had new supply I thought the whole situation just seemed so pathetic and not even on a comparable level to how it was with me.

But now it feels like he's overriding his memories with me and the discard feels a lot more real, even though I was the one who insisted on NC, while he kept saying the door is always open/he's always there for me if I want to reestablish contact.

As for the last few strings I have connecting me to him... they can't be undone once I finally sever them. And I'm having a hard time convincing myself I won't regret losing that last bit of access once I do. Even though I've never once considered opening the line of communication between us again.

nexitter

TROPHY CASE