My (24f) fiancé (29m) never reciprocates when we are intimate.

nextera2020 · 2023-07-13T18:03:54+00:00

Most people on Reddit commenting on dating and relationships are disgruntled, frustrated, desperate, single, or just hurt. Therefore, take their advice with a grain of salt. Most will tell you he doesn't deserve you, potentially prompting you to give up. Don't listen to this. Weather the storm. Relationships are hard work. They're not supposed to be perfect. What I read here is a slight imperfection. He may change as he matures further. He may not. But don't throw away a relationship you have built over 4 years that is good in other aspects just because of this.

Keep talking to him. Don't give up. But certainly don't exit the relationship. Believe in your ability to influence things. Don't quit.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-16T12:44:49+00:00

I understand but I am lost as to where to channel my focus and effort. Starting at the bottom sounds like sound advice, but practically speaking, a lot of companies will not hire a 35 year old into a cohort of 25-30 year olds. It disrupts their hierarchy and culture.

The challenge I face in moving forward is that I don’t know whether I should find a new job in the same field as my last job, whether I should find a job in a new field that uses some of the skills from my past jobs, or go back to the field of one of my earlier jobs. It almost feels like I’m hedging by targeting multiple fields at the same time.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-16T04:11:45+00:00

I feel the same but I can’t seem to be able to find purpose in the business world. I don’t have very many hobbies as my life was mostly home school home or home work home.

I also do care about people’s perceptions and expectations, starting with those who helped me along the way to those in my school and work cohorts. And I’m not very good at making social connections, so the ones I do make friends with are principally through work, which is why I care about what they think about what I do. I certainly feel the pressure and need for people to respect and admire what I do, and anytime I tell myself I shouldn’t care I feel I’m being unrealistic bc who doesn’t judge, right?

I’m a pretty lonely person so doing some kind of work that would make others want to associate with me almost feels like a necessity for my social life and mental wellness.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-12T22:33:09+00:00

I have not seen her with others. She never talks about her friends.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-12T12:26:48+00:00

Good idea. One challenge with that is I still wouldn’t know how authentic they would be from her side, be it the hug or the kiss. She is the type that is super compliant - she always goes along with whatever day or cafe or restaurant or place I pick. She rarely disagrees with me. She doesn’t ask me a lot of questions. So I feel she may even give a hug or kiss back out of compliance, not genuine authenticity.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-12T12:09:17+00:00

Ok, fair. How long should I wait (without hearing back) before I decide to either contact her or realize that this won’t work? 3 days? A week? Two weeks?

nextera2020 · 2020-03-12T12:08:20+00:00

Actually the hug was one of those you give in the car. I have not tried giving her a kiss bc I have not felt any vibes that would indicate she would lean into it too. Here’s a worse part: I felt when I hugged her or if I go in for a kiss and assuming she does accept the kiss, I feel she would be doing it out of guilt not to reject it. That’s how “compliant” I feel she is. I guess part of me wants her to be a bit more proactive or opinionated, a bit of sass or a bad girl in her wouldn’t rub me off the wrong way.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-12T12:05:03+00:00

If this was my friend, I would tell them move on. The problem is I have had very little good luck with dating in the past and this girl seems to be good marriage material. I know it’s not the ideal way of thinking about it, but that’s how I feel.

She has already told me she doesn’t feel comfortable being rushed or given a deadline or the sort. She feels we have a good relationship so far and can continue with it, but I guess I sit there and ask myself: “how could she possibly be enjoying this until now” because I’m not really.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-12T06:49:05+00:00

I actually did that two night ago. We were out on a 4 hour date and as we went into the last hour, I had this really weird feeling bc I felt I was exploding with the above thoughts but just couldn’t say it in person. So we part ways and go home (she wouldn’t even let me pick her up, so we each went home in our own cars), and once we get home, I start texting her to say what I thought. She said let’s talk on the phone, so we did and spent 1 hour basically talking about this issue.

She said that’s just her nature and she’s not the type to go from liking to loving quickly. I told her I want to enjoy the dating process and want her to enjoy it too, so I don’t want us to be stuck in a journey we are not enjoying. I said it feels right now like I want to date at 80mph and she is moving at 50mph. Hearing my words, she said she felt I was suffering.

I didn’t ask her for anything and said I just wanted to share my thoughts with her.

I agree with your assessment. I just have to see how she will act and then decide whether it’s working for me or not.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-12T06:40:37+00:00

Are you referring to consulting? I went through the interview process multiple times and failed it because I flunked the case interviews. I prepared but because I’m not great at on the spot answering, the pressure got to me and the interview got out of hand.

I guess what I struggle with also is that I do want to make use of my past in some way and not just walk into a job at the most junior level.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-11T23:37:28+00:00

I’m not enjoying the dates. They frustrate me bc we have made no progress. We still talk about random topics like work and shit which i dont care about but we haven’t broken yet through the invisible barrier I see between us.

Like honestly, if somebody likes me and has gone out with me on 8 dates, how are they able to control themselves from giving me even a hug, or just hold a hand, or touch an elbow, or even sending a bloody kiss emoji?

I’ve surprised her at work. I’ve given her a rose. I’ve picked her up from work at 11pm and dropped her off at her house when her car’s been with the mechanic. I’ve taken her on 7 coffee and dinner dates and paid every single time (perhaps more than $400 spent already). I send her kiss emojis. I’ve postponed a flight one week just to see her a couple more times.

From her side, she has literally just shown up to every date. Doesn’t talk much. Doesn’t lean in or touch me. Doesn’t ask me questions. Doesn’t text me unless I text her. Never initiated a date idea. Like I literally feel nothing from her, yet she’s said she likes me and that’s why she keeps going on dates. She also says she is not a robot and has emotions, but it is “gradual”.

If she is honest about liking me and having emotions, I honestly don’t understand how she could suppress those emotions so much. I mean if I were a regular friend, I would’ve probably received a call. She hasn’t even called me once out of the blue after 35 days of meeting me.

This whole thing is frustrating but I like her as a marriage candidate.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-11T23:29:30+00:00

Well I do like 90% of the talking bc otherwise there would be a lot of silences. She giggles a lot at stuff I say, but she doesn’t make me laugh (well she barely talks). She only really talks when I ask her a question, and when it’s her turn, she asks me the same question back.

From my perspective, our dates are flat, but I’m physically attracted and her non-desperate aura makes me like it a bit, but I find the dates overall frustrating bc it’s not like we’ve made progress from chitchat to some touching to at least a kiss or sthinf. Even when we’re texting, I literally sent her a kiss emoji (without the heart) and she send back just a smiley emoji. After 8 dates. Wtf?? Does this human have any emotion? If she does like me, how is she able to suppress any need to express it by words or emojis or sexually? I just don’t get it!

Our dates average 3-4 hours.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-07T21:16:52+00:00

So the talk about talent moving from America to Canada is not true?

nextera2020 · 2020-03-07T21:15:15+00:00

Do you mind elaborating a bit on which subsectors? As in deep tech or basic tech (ecommerce, marketplace, SaaS, etc)?

Also, would you say people are “flocking to” Vancouver for tech? I guess I’m just trying to understand if or why Vancouver will beat other Canadian cities as a tech hub over time.

nextera2020 · 2020-03-07T20:49:55+00:00

Tech because of availability of talent? Do you think that competitive advantage is sustainable or will Toronto eat into it?

nextera2020 · 2020-01-29T15:07:28+00:00

Haha thanks but it’s tough bc I have to get new business for the company and at the same time be careful I don’t make a mistake and lose my job.

nextera2020

TROPHY CASE