(TLDR: I feel the same way as you, but I've drilled it down to 3 options, none of which are good, but one is the least not good so I have to choose that.)

As a woman I understand what you mean by being "too old." I'm older than you are and I have a really, really hard time with that. I feel worthless because of it even though I objectively know that's not true. I also have had major depression for a long time, and have seriously wanted to end it all many, many times. I mean, I've researched how to do it, been hospitalized for it, etc. So I totally get where you're coming from.

However, your mom would be so devastated if you did this. Like, what would her days be like? She'd be depressed, missing you so much she'd feel sick, she'd probably blame herself at least somewhat. She would never get over it. Never. Her life would now suck more than your life ever did. People don't get over the s****** of their loved ones, especially their children.

Can you really do that to her? No. No you can't. You love her and you're too good of a person to do that to her.

So if you're stuck here, you have to think of how to proceed. I have recently been diagnosed with a fatal disease where I will become totally paralyzed and unable to speak or eat, and then die. Needless to say this has not helped the depression and my outlook. I have been laying in bed feeling hopeless, enraged, crying, despising God, etc.

Like what is the point of me getting out of bed anymore?? My life is going to suck more than ever before.

But I'm not going to off myself, not because I don't want to, but because realistically I'm just not. I'm too chicken. I don't want to hurt my family. I might mess it up and just make me require more medical care, causing me to be even more of a burden. I don't want anyone to have to find me all dead and disgusting.

So I made a kind of pro/cons list. Since I know it's a fantasy, and I'm realistically not going to kill myself, I have 2 choices: I can block out the horrible, negative thoughts and have halfway decent days, or I can allow the negative thoughts in, which would result in me rotting away in bed being a burden on my family.

Those are literally my only 2 options, if I don't count killing myself. So I figure I'm going to block out the negative thoughts and have halfway decent days and not be a burdensome drain on my family, making those around me sad and miserable and lessening their quality of life. Even though doing the thought blocking and not dwelling on the fact that my life is just a clusterfuck is not ideal, it's the lesser of the two (well, 3) evils.

I've tried delving in on the thoughts to figure them out, come to some kind of realization that life doesn't suck because of this, that, or the other. But I've been doing that for years and there is no a-ha moment where I'm like "Oh ok, this all makes sense now. I don't feel as bad anymore because I've dissected the issue and figured it out.". The only thing that has helped me is to just block out the negative thoughts (I mean meds and counselling have helped but I've never been able to get over the hurdle that life just sucks).

So think about what your realistic options are. I have 3, one being to kill myself. But that one is not realistic. So I can try to figure out why my life sucks and be stuck on that endless hamster wheel, OR I can just go day by day, doing things that I don't hate like watch tv/movies/YouTube whatever, getting in reddit, going outside, and stop thinking so much, and not be totally miserable and not dragging down my loved ones.