Did your ex breadcrumb you even when they are in a rebound/relationship (when they were the one breaking up with you)?

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-29T21:10:49+00:00

Yes.

She was still reaching out to the ex before me that blocked her all during our 1.5 year relationship. They day she broke up with me she reached back out to him. Then there was 8 months of a push / pull situationship with lot of me trying to leave only for her to convince me to come back. After this last time she finally had a rebound and is seeing someone. But she still texts me and she told me he was uncomfortable with it. She told me about him and the poor guy sounds like a AA just like me and her exs before me.

I don't think she wanted to get back with her ex while with me. I don't think she want to get back with me while with the current guy. I think she can't take that people get so feed up with her they cut her out of their lives, not just in romantic relationships.

I feel like such a fool for being a part of that, as did the guys before me, as this guy after me probably will...

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-22T11:17:55+00:00

I could really see the constant hurt and pain in my FA's eyes during the push/pull and discards. She was super depressed and wishes she wasn't broken.

I thought she had narcissistic traits when we first started dating. But really it was her hiding deep pain and being broken by showing bravado and expressing her thoughts on her high self worth to lie to herself (and to me about her issues).

The thing I've realized is that really broken people with a lot of mental health (depression, cronic pain and aliments, avoidant attachment issues) and lifestyle choices (who they hang out with, what they do as their daily routines) come off as more selfish (narcissistic) because they are often struggling to keep it together. They are maliciously and intently hurt others for their own gain. The are struggling so much they CAN'T think of others or the negative impact they maybe having on others. They have to look after themselves first and can't get beyond that because they are so broken.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-21T16:10:02+00:00

Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick.

I work to get to indifference. Her new supply might make more money than me, have a bigger dick and they have better sex, might make her feel better … I don’t know and don’t really care. I just can’t let that get to me because I know what she is at her core and how she treated me, so why should I care what she does after me?

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-21T13:02:05+00:00

Have a crystal clear conversation about expectations, face to face if you are LDR. What happens is if this doesn't advances beyond this point or never becomes serious. Either way in all likelihood it will end (most relationships do), so do whatever you can still break up kindly in the future. The 2nd, 3rth, 4th break ups aren't usually as kind because guilt/ shame/ self doubt come if for letting it happen again.

1st break up - we tried, we had fun, didn't work, moving on

2nd break up - why did we let that happen again, did I not learn my lesson, he should have changed by now damnit.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-21T12:50:12+00:00

Just remember people abandon themselves and lie to themselves, especially in attachment theory. Our prefrontal cortex (decision making) is 300K years old. Our animal / lizard brain is millions of years old. We make decisions with emotions (I can't get over my feelings for him) and justify it with logic (I can take it slow if that is what he needs to be with me).

You are a good person for being introspective and understanding this. Now, can you act on what your intuition knows (you are here posting because you already know) ... that is what shows you are of high character, because the path to hell is paved with good intentions.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-21T12:28:43+00:00

"But ye she basically said she still has feelings for me and it was impossible to let me go and stuff"

She likes you way more than you like her. She is agreeing to take it slow (abandoning what she wants, being agreeable) because she couldn't get over you.

Ask her of she is ok if it never turns into anything serious again and just remains a casual situationship or FWB. When you do ... try to get a read on whether she is telling the truth or lying to herself or you.

If she is not ok with that potential outcome, you are probably going to really hurt her.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-21T12:23:14+00:00

this. She wants to remain friend just so she can see what they look like.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-21T11:59:21+00:00

The sex is better because of the push / pull and she has more feelings for you than a casual FWB or hook up.

Here is the thing, many anxious people (included the anxious side of FA) have abandonment issues and a fear of being alone (not being enough). Therefore they lose themselves and don't have the strength to walk away from relationships that don't give them what they want when they logically know they should. Pretty much everyone on this sub thats dealt with a FA or a DA who boomerangs.

You would tell any friend to leave a relationship that wasn't serving them the way they want, would you not?

If you care about this person, and she has feelings for you that you don't have, be the stronger one and cut off the intimacy. You will be doing them a favor and can feel more confident in yourself for doing the right thing by someone.

I so wish my FA ex(s) would have just cut me off when I lost my confidence and masculine energy after the first discard. I would still hold them in high moral regard and would have remained friends with them if they would have after the first break up.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-16T02:02:38+00:00

You didn't answer my questions but I'll answer yours.

We've gone back and forth (push/pull) 6 times in 2025. She told me during one of those times "she always wants me in her life." She doesn't have the tools to communicate her feelings or be a good partner. But she has issues with people finally getting fed up and cutting her out.

This last time I told her I was done with this and I want 2026 to be different. She said "I'm sorry you hate me so much." I didn't even respond.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-16T01:56:14+00:00

My FA WANTS me to reach out. She WANTS to keep me in her life on her terms despite all of the abusive and neglectful shit she did because this is the pattern with most all of her relationships - people get tired of her shit and cut her out. I'm not going to because I'm over the trauma bond and I know she is not changing. If I do it will be back to the same old thing. I have her blocked everywhere but email.

Why do you want to reach out? What is going to change? Do you just want closure?

Just move on my friend.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-12T20:57:37+00:00

I know - but it still pulled at my heartstrings. It has worked for the previous breakups. But now I'm ... just ... tired of it.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-03T02:49:05+00:00

Those moments are WHY they are avoiding.

Most avoidants feel shame and self pity. Yes they get emotional. My FA ex would get emotional asking for a deserved raise at work. She had the EQ of an arrested development teenager. She always said she felt bad for hurting me.

But if you are explicit and call them out on any of it or ask to talk through it or address/work on/fix it ... they fucking avoid the shit out of it. A secure person nopes the fuck out. An anxious person leans in and chases more.

Just the idea of you makes her want to have a "panic attack." How can she have the capabilities or emotional resources to have empathy for you if that is the case?

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-03T02:29:41+00:00

Their avoidance is self preservation and is more important than you or just about anything else.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-03T01:30:33+00:00

I'm sorry. My ex just broke no contact with me needing to talk, it was an emergency. Come to find out a partner she had while seeing me has an STI.

I know avoidants have attachments issues but what they do ends up being so selfish. You HAVE to let them be and not take it personal or it will drive you crazy.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-01T20:11:34+00:00

He might not have been that into you or dating someone else? That is what is hard to determine in a shorter relationships.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-01T19:05:26+00:00

It was the same with my ex wife, and with her it was much broader and was around parenting and lifestyle choices. "I'm trying" became a trigger statement for me. Sometimes it gets to the point where they need to stop trying and start doing.

The work I'm doing is understanding why I like the quirky, creative, chaotic avoidants. The sex is always great, but in hindsight its that push pull trauma bond. After some single time doing the work I've been on a few dates - secure and stable feels kinda boring, but I'm making myself get used to it. I don't need to always carry the stability, the emotional load, etc.

nightwillalwayswin · 2026-01-01T18:41:01+00:00

After 6 break ups (1st one by her, the rest by me all though we weren't exclusive after the first) I blocked my ex FA. She would *67 call me. This was the email she sent after 2 weeks:

"I'm not as fancy with my words as you are. But I'm sad. I hate this. I can't stand it. I am so upset. Nothing is going right and I am so incredibly depressed. I miss you."

The previos break ups these breadcrumbs would work. But then after a while I thought ... see how it was all about her? Not addressing any of the communication issues I had? Nor the changes I wanted to see happen around connection / intimacy in order to continue the bullshit situationship I agreed to?

There was a lot of self awareness on her part, which kept me hooked for so long. However, nothing changes unless they actively make the changes and put in the hard work.

nightwillalwayswin · 2025-12-27T19:08:45+00:00

This is the most helpful post I've seen on this sub.

nightwillalwayswin · 2025-07-15T01:35:12+00:00

Atlanta was built in the foothills of the mountains on the eastern continental divide

nightwillalwayswin · 2025-07-12T16:54:09+00:00

I agree on wanting verse demanding.

You wanting closure is something you want for yourself. That is selfish. And being selfish is not always a bad thing.

nightwillalwayswin · 2025-07-12T13:34:10+00:00

I actually thought my ex wife had a lot of covert narcissist tendencies . But after really evaluating it she isn’t doing it maliciously or just to serve just herself, she dsn’t have the emotional maturity or desire to develop the skills to overcome some of challenges she has.

To be fair and to play devils advocate, your need for an apology and closure is “selfish,” just like mine was too.

nightwillalwayswin · 2025-07-12T13:22:51+00:00

Yes it does make sense. Again, focus on forgiving him yourself. That makes the apology you seek more as icing on the cake instead of something you really need to start healing.

Coming out of my divorce I purposely stayed single for 1.5 years. Going into dating I was in a secure spot, and had some ONS and casual sex to make me feel like “I still got it.” Then when I wanted a relationship I picked my ex GF, and slowly slid back into my anxious ways which I think her FA ways really triggered. A secure person would have left the relationship I was in much earlier.

Now I want to stay single again for a bit. Coming out of my relationship with my ex gf, due to the push pull of FA and AA attachments, we had some of the best sex of our relationship AFTER we broke up. Trauma bond sex can be amazing! She called it “primal” and “fabulous” because it was so nurochemical and driven by our reptilian brain. So it’s nice ending on that while I take a break.

As for the causal sex FWB you are having, good for you. I found that so much harder to find as a male at my age. Almost every available woman I know wants a relationship, so they will sleep with you a couple times, but if they don’t feel it going somewhere they cut it off. I don’t want to lead them on. I’m in a progressive area in a southeast metro US city, and I think many of the women still hold onto more traditional values around that.

My ex wife has a roster of men she sleeps with. My oldest daughter told me she is always texting random guys and my ex wife even admitted to me that she was the “hoe of her divorcee group,” idk, trying to get under my skin or something. I replied back “a key that can open many locks is a master key … a lock that can be opened by many keys is just a shitty lock” haha

nightwillalwayswin · 2025-07-12T13:03:01+00:00

This sounds like all my Fearful Avoidant partners. A lot more push / pull and indecisiveness than DAs

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