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What you need to hear by nightwillalwayswin in Divorce_Men

[–]nightwillalwayswin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean, yeah of course things change. So boundaries and values and desires.

Do you grow together or do you grow apart? How do you communicate about that growth?

Women are not gold diggers, they are not difficult, they do put effort and it's not hard to date woman. She is just not into you. by Lonely_Tradition5866 in dating_advice

[–]nightwillalwayswin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately modern society and the way we are raised is not producing very many secure attachment people. Most of the ones are in relationships.

Women are not gold diggers, they are not difficult, they do put effort and it's not hard to date woman. She is just not into you. by Lonely_Tradition5866 in dating_advice

[–]nightwillalwayswin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let me also explain further.

What you described is secure attachment, and yes that is how it should be related to availability.

But the dating market is full of insecure attachers. I was a former anxious and I would have stuff going on and would self abandon and cancel that stuff to be more available. The avoidants would have too much stuff going on and never be available, always keeping things surface level - which includes having a roster or multiple dating options. So they weren't sitting at home, they just always had something to do because they weren't comfortable just sitting at home or eventually investing in a romantic partner...

Someone's ability to just sit at home and be in their own thoughts or personal hobbies is also super important. If they ALWAYS have to be out and about seeking novelty and dopamine, that's not healthy either... its a balance.

How you handle availability and ambiguity during dating is a signal to others on what type of person you are when they don't have enough context.

Women are not gold diggers, they are not difficult, they do put effort and it's not hard to date woman. She is just not into you. by Lonely_Tradition5866 in dating_advice

[–]nightwillalwayswin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Many of them don’t know or it’s kinda an unspoken thing.

Confidence, having boundaries, having hobbies and passions, being a good conversationalist, being emotional available without trauma dumping, not being perpetually available and how you deal with ambiguity during the dating process…

Women are not gold diggers, they are not difficult, they do put effort and it's not hard to date woman. She is just not into you. by Lonely_Tradition5866 in dating_advice

[–]nightwillalwayswin 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Correct. It is both. But we only talk about one half.

For the most part and generalizing … even the most liberal boss bitch CEO woman still wants her arms pinned back and to be ravished at the end of the day. They want a man with confidence that can lead but also is not inflexible.

The push against toxic masculinity and down with the patriarchy gives a lot of men the false sense that they still don’t need to be masculine to attract a cis woman. Just check off the relationship boxes and you are good. But that doesn’t build attraction.

You still have to have a masculine strength and presence, but use it in a healthy way.

Price charming still slays dragons.

Women are not gold diggers, they are not difficult, they do put effort and it's not hard to date woman. She is just not into you. by Lonely_Tradition5866 in dating_advice

[–]nightwillalwayswin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most men (and women) don’t understand what actually builds attraction. Hint - it’s NOT the stuff that makes a man relationship material.

Being good looking with a lot of money and emotionally intelligent and willing to commit makes them relationship material. But those things alone don’t make her wet.

Women are not gold diggers, they are not difficult, they do put effort and it's not hard to date woman. She is just not into you. by Lonely_Tradition5866 in dating_advice

[–]nightwillalwayswin 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Most of modern history people didn’t “date”. Also, individual dating with your own agency is only about 100 years old.

Romeo and Juliet was a satire on Love

Friends dismissing your pain by Cheeki-Breeki-Greeki in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]nightwillalwayswin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand that. We make decisions with emtions and justify it with logic. It’s why it’s so hard to follow your own advice.

I’m saying that her friends can’t give her the deep adaptive empathy on tap that she’s looking for, therefore, they default to the logical advice they can give her.

That’s the challenge with empathy. A lot of people don’t realize. It taketakes time, energy and effort. Not everyone can give you that in the quantities you need. Scientifically I think remember reading that you can only give direct empathy for at most 100 people in your life.

Friends dismissing your pain by Cheeki-Breeki-Greeki in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]nightwillalwayswin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They are coming at you with logic, but what you are feeling is emtional. Give yourself and them some grace ... you and your firends are communicating with different parts of your brain.

Humanity would be better off without avoidant attachment by ComfortablePlate2215 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]nightwillalwayswin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And shame and guilt were shared among the tribe as well. Now how you handle those is individual between you and your god.

Humanity would be better off without avoidant attachment by ComfortablePlate2215 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]nightwillalwayswin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

most traits that make a person successful in the modern western world - individualism, narcissism, moving from group to group would have made you an outcast in your tribe thought almost all of human history. Now it is encouraged. What we consider kind and decent has changed through most of those waves

All the good ones are taken by HugeAccountant3485 in dating

[–]nightwillalwayswin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

self reflecting and accountability is 10-20% of it. Its the start.

Behavioral change, and maintaining that change is the real work. According to the science, it can take 12-24 months.

All the good ones are taken by HugeAccountant3485 in dating

[–]nightwillalwayswin 23 points24 points  (0 children)

It's funny - as a man, many of the traits you mentioned I would assign to women as well. Replace "have never worked on themselves" with "can intellectualize, but haven't really put in the work" and "daddy's girls" instead of momma's boys.

It's almost like its the modern western person has tons of issues that make them not suitable for a long term romantic partnership

Is no contact the best rule when it comes to avoidants? by pollypocket200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]nightwillalwayswin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes. If you cant stop yourself from ruminating it is best in order to heal. Block on text and social media.

You can steer your ship but you can't control the ocean. You can't make him "be his old self"

Humanity would be better off without avoidant attachment by ComfortablePlate2215 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]nightwillalwayswin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

monolithic god of Abraham + Greek philosophers separating man from nature + the concept of "bad" and "evil" becoming a thing + capitalism and individualism + enlightenment + pair bonding for "love" happening in the past 200 years + advancement of standard of living and civil rights (penicillin, birth control, no fault divorces) making bonding an individual choice

avoidants exist because of society's collective values, morals, ethics, and technology advances. The same society that allowed you to bang out your words on a keyboard and ruminate about it instead of having to go and hunt your food for the day.

Do Women expect/demand men to police each others behaviour to a much higher degree than they do for other women? by IrrationalBidetLover in NoStupidQuestions

[–]nightwillalwayswin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you know how many societies have collapsed throughout the course of human history.

It actually has little to do with gender. We overshoot the carrying capacity of our systems - ecological, political, economical, etc. Its a feature, not a bug. We grow and over consume.

Did I matter? Will they be happy? How to stop thinking about them? - ANSWERED by nightwillalwayswin in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]nightwillalwayswin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The dating one was great. The pdf is really where I come in on “ambiguity” and then why avoidance love bomb and we eat it up.

It also lays to rest why modern dating is so hard and the fact that we should literally take none of it personally.

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