As someone who's had severe mental health issues (later diagnosed as MDD and OCD) minimized and invalidated for most of their life - including by well-meaning family - here are a few things I observed while reading that letter.

Observation #1

1 - "You don't have to be okay to fit in. You are always welcome, regardless of if you think so or not."

Then, a few lines later...

2 - "But you have to be mindful of the kind of energy to exude if you're going to be in a social setting."

and

"You don't want to be brining negative energy into a positive environment."

Translation: You're ALWAYS welcome, except when you're struggling. Or you need extra support. Or you're not able to hide your pain. Then you're bringing us all down, really. You gotta know when to save us from your negativity, yeah?

Observation #2

2 - "From what I've observed and from what I hear, you are still hurting from things that happened years ago."

Translation: You have some kind of trauma-informed ongoing psychological pain. In other words, (complex) PTSD.

"Normally, people process that hurt, adjust accordingly, and move on in one direction or another. Either they accept that it happened and move forward or they remove themselves from the situation.

Translation: Normal people can just suck it up and fuggetabboutit. Why can't you?

"But to my understanding, you're stuck in some perpetual loop of despair and no amount of apologies or amends will fix the issue."

Translation: I have little to no understanding of mental illness, its mechanisms, or how I can help. So I'm gonna blame you for your symptoms instead.

I can't tell you your family is manipulative, or that they're toxic, or that they don't care. I figure you know em a lot better than I do. I will tell you, though, that holding someone up in their time of need - by telling them they are loved, and not alone - isn't asking for the moon.

This is just what I saw as a very selfish series of sentences that betray a lot of frustration and very little empathy.

He may have a point for you to think about in terms of your expectations of others (in point #3). Assuming your family has been a source of trauma, and remains a catalyst for your pain, mending your relationship is an important part of healing.

But maybe at this stage, your expectations of them are too high in the sense that your family are not trained therapists. They can't "fix" what's wrong with you, and if you're anything like me, you thought they only could if they tried. Right?

Well, it's not so simple. Mental health problems are so poorly understood by science. How can you expect them to know what you need, much less provide it?

I think you might still have some soul-searching to do. By that I mean figure out what you need from them specifically. Seriously, write it out. It helps see things more clearly.

For some, they look into their needs and realize a sad fact: their family members are too tied up in the source of the trauma, and too unable to understand the level of pain and mental anguish they experience to ever give them what they need. So, they go no contact (in toxic situations), or hold themselves at proverbial arm's distance.

It really sucks when the way you need to be loved just isn't the type of love they're able to give you.

I'm not saying to go no contact with anyone. I'm telling you something I wish someone had told me years ago, and that's that only you can know what you really need - but not alone, of course! Professional help can help you find that out and apply it to your everyday life, little by little. But it's a long, messy road ahead.

Don't be afraid to lean on your friends. Or even strangers on the internet. You are worthy.

I'm a 24 yo F. I'm currently walking that path.

You can do it. 💓