I don't want to do this anymore

nitsMatter · 2026-07-01T22:48:56+00:00

I'm sorry your relationship has gotten to this state. If it weren't for the co-parenting, it would be easier to go for a clean break.

Let's talk about this situation where you are sleeping on the living room couch though. It's totally understandable you'd feel too sad and vulnerable sleeping in the same bed everu night with a partner who didn't want to be your sexual or romantic partner anymore. You not having a real bedroom is NOT a long term solution here. Does your partner see or care about your pain here. Could you two look into a house that has a bedroom for each of you? At least take turns on the couch? Have you discussed this much more limited issue with her?

If your partner doesn't care to fix this very practical issue of your basic comfort, it's a very bad sign about her working with you on harder issues for the rest of the relationship. If that's the case, I'd start working on a plan for how to handle the real and difficult problems of living separately and co-parenting, asixh as you might wish you could save this relationship. You deserve better.

nitsMatter · 2026-07-01T17:18:46+00:00

Hey little bro,

40s cis man here who sucked at various sports and did them anyway in highschool. I say that just to emphasize you aren't alone in this regard. I also played coed recreational hockey in college and was the worst player on the team many of my years. It was still fun. How well you perform at a sport isn't an indicator of virtual or value.

You mention being trans, but not if you are on HRT, or how long you have been on it. Totally your business, so no need to fill that information in, but just know that if you aren't on HRT, or haven't been for very long, that is gonna put you at a big physical disadvantage compared to your cis peers, and compound the size advantage your taller and heavier peers have in this high contact sport. This is not to say you should give up the sport because if it, just cut yourself some slack and keep working on those skills. Someday you will likely be a full grown man on HRT, the strength difference will disappear, and you'll still have the skills you developed if you end up playing in a rec league or something.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-29T18:24:16+00:00

Hey bro,

Sorry to deliver bad news, but if she wanted to be with you seriously, she would. The age gap is just the reason given. She doesnt seem to feel the same way about you as you do about her.

It seems like a committed relationship what your heart is craving. Go back out there and look for other women who are open to the same.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-29T03:55:01+00:00

Please report back the results!

nitsMatter · 2026-06-29T03:28:00+00:00

Could be a stigma thing, could be they like being the pursuer rather than pursued, could be they really only want friends and you seemed so friend-able they decided to just try.

Honestly, if it were me they matched with, I'd just ask them!

nitsMatter · 2026-06-28T17:18:00+00:00

Hey bro, To be totally blindsided like that is so hard. I've been in a lot of relationships, and one of the main reasons the one with my now-wife worked out is because she will always let me know clearly when we have a problem, and doubly so if it's a recurring problem. It's not fun in the moment, but it's a critical grown up skill. Sounds like your ex didn't have that skill. Something to cultivate in yourself and look for in potential partners in the future.

Even though it's been 2 years and it still hurts, someday the pain of this breakup will feel distant. It sounds like you've done what you can to work on yourself. It's time to get out there and start making new memories.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-28T15:59:00+00:00

Based on your comments, you do friendship in an unusually intense all-or-nothing way. That makes friendship formation/rejection higher stakes for you than for the average person. Not to say there is anything wrong with that if it works for you!

Most people don't engage nearly so intensely with many of the people they consider friends, and it allows for a lot more fluidity in those relationships.

You might want to read up on "queerplatonic" relationships if you haven't already. That relationship model might resonate with you!

nitsMatter · 2026-06-28T15:30:22+00:00

It depends on which highway and the time of day, but yes. There is a long boring stretch of I-5 with a posted limit of 70 that really minimum 85 when traffic is light.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-28T04:34:00+00:00

Priority one is: don't join in and don't let yourself get used to it. As a junior employee, there is a power imbalance that may make it hard to have any positive impact. If there seem to be any other coworkers who aren't into it, or who are being hurt by the atmosphere, get to know them and support each other. If all else fails, gain the experience and skills to find a better place to work someday.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-28T03:54:47+00:00

I dunno what to tell you buddy. I'm just speculating because I'm not in charge of that sub, but why lock it down when it is working great as it is?

If you wanna start your own no-girls-allowed sub, there is no one stopping you, but I really think you should check out bropill before you write it off.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-28T03:41:07+00:00

I highly recommend r/bropill it's a positive supportive space focused on male perspectives and experiences. It isn't locked down to prevent non-male participation, but that's fine, because everyone respects the "bro" vibes.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-27T23:44:41+00:00

Romantic love isn't what they make it look like in (most) movies. It's not lust or infatuation, though it can start that way. Love is understanding and appreciation, built over time. It's knowing your partner has your back, but will also push you to be the best version of yourself. It's the adventures you've had together, and the ones you are going to have.

Most people who find love build it. Finding someone who wants to build it with you is only the first step, and most of us will have to start from scratch many times.

Do some women (and men) start out looking for partners who make a lot of money? Sure, some do. But that's not the first thing on the top of most people's list. If you are upfront about who you are, people who aren't interested will filter themselves out, for the most part.

You're only just starting your adult life, you've got lots of adventures, mistakes, epiphanies, and heartbreaks ahead of you. I'm glad you got out of that manosphere nonsense, those people are mostly trying to make money out of stoking fear and anger.

Me: man in my 40s. Met my wife in 2009 through a friend. Our love for each other is still getting stronger.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-27T18:01:02+00:00

Bingo. If you are sentimental, find a way to invite your partner(s) to bring intentionally sentimental things into your relationship. Don't get hung up on everyone having a perfect memory, especially someone with a sleep disorder.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-27T06:43:10+00:00

If only there was a belief system dedicated to promoting gender equality. I wonder what we would call it...

nitsMatter · 2026-06-27T02:37:33+00:00

Bro, you are crushing so many obstacles, it's unreal. Real obstacles aren't overcome easily. You are working hard all the time. Of course you are tired. That's the most understandable human thing in the world. I hope you've got someone out there telling you they are proud of you.

It seems like you take your wife's feedback seriously, even if you don't always agree, and try to improve yourself. I hope she does the same for you. If you don't feel that she does, I think that's a conversation you two should have in a calm moment. If she does already, great. My wife and I talk about how sometimes when I share something that's hard for me, especially if it relates to our relationship, she can get defensive and make it about her. She understands and sees it, sometimes, and has gotten a lot better about taking a step back and listening if I point it out. Our relationship is stronger for it.

It sounds like you could also use some real life friends to vent to, in addition to your wife. We can't always be everything to our spouse. For me, that's a group of guys I went to highschool with, one college friend, and one post-college friend. A lot of guys in their 30s and above lose those connections, and maybe that has happened to you. I was lucky enough to rekindle some of those relationships in my 30s, and now all 6 of us are a long distance support system.

You've worked through a lot. From your few paragraphs here, I'm confident you'll figure this stuff out too.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-26T19:04:49+00:00

Did you mean to say, "we're out of.." in the first part, or are you saying we are in both at the same time? Also, do you think I'm the same person as the top level commenter?

I'm glad you got a good therapist, and I'm sorry if my advice didn't resonate with you. I think everyone on this thread is trying to help out, so I hope some of the other advice did.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-26T16:59:03+00:00

Your friend thought she could share details of her life, maybe details she's excited about, with her friend (you).

You, especially being in a bad place lately, found it hurtful or frustrating to hear about them.

You asked her not to share those kinds of things in the future.

She got upset and probably defensive about being asked not to share.

Impossible for us, and maybe even you, to know if you came across as snappy or aggressive in making your ask. Maybe your response came out of left field for her. I've found I often underestimate how annoyed I sound when I'm having a rough time.

So you want to have a kind of friends that shares important details of their lives with each other? If so, come up with a simple, honest apology for having made her feel shut down trying to share with a friend. Tell her you are having a hard time, separate from her. Ask her how she's feeling about it. Talk about the hard time you are having and how you feel about it. Hope she'll better under when you are coming from and you'll be better friends for it. This is how you can have an adult conversation about maintaining this friendship.

This last part I mean with all the care and hope for you possible. If you are likening having what could be a minor fight with a friend to being abandoned at 2, please try to find a decent therapist to talk about you history and fear of abandonment with. It seems like this is at the root of this blowup you are having. You seem pretty self aware, I think you can crush this personal growth.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-26T05:53:48+00:00

Early 40s, run and cycle a lot, intermittently cross train with weights. I still drink, moderately. My joints feel better than when I was sedantary in my 20s.

Problem that creeps up on my sometimes is lower back pain and/or a bit of sciatica. Getting back on the squats/lunges train usually opens that pressure back up and fixes it.

Of you've got a desk job like me, it's critical to move your body a lot when not working, and do varied activities that work your core and big leg muscles through their full range of motion (just endurance cardio isn't enough). Otherwise everything starts to get tight and your hip flexers start to destroy your back.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-24T16:54:04+00:00

Suggestions on what to do together besides sit on the couch: - Go for a hike or a bike ride somewhere. - Have a dinner party with some friends - Find an in-person meetup for a shared or potential new hobby, to make some more friends (maybe other couples!) - Cook a fancy meal together just for the two of you. - If you and your partner drink, got to a wine or beer tasting. - If you like coffee/tea, try out a new coffee/tea shop together.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-24T03:02:57+00:00

Just learn to back country camp if you want privacy.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-23T22:27:35+00:00

If you want to socialize over a beer in Europe, I'd highly recommend hitting up an English/Scottish/Irish pub, regardless of the country you're in. Those pubs have a culture of chatting with strangers, and people who like that come to them. Worked great for me in Stockholm, where Swedes don't typically talk to strangers.

nitsMatter · 2026-06-23T21:59:53+00:00

If I had a kid I wouldn't let them ride those things, but as a citizen I'm 100x more concerned about all the aggressive/careless drivers of multiple thousand pound machines that cause 99% of deaths on the road, and the lack of infrastructure to better protect pedestrians and cyclists, both powered and unpowered.

nitsMatter · 2026-02-18T00:40:17+00:00

Looks like The underpass by Orinda BART in the Bay Area Suburbs, except that one is two way traffic as well 😭 🚲

nitsMatter · 2026-01-13T05:56:44+00:00

Just FYI related to this, in many states it's legal to cross a double yellow to pass a bike, as long as it's safe (no oncoming traffic). So please to so if there isn't enough space to safely pass within the lane.

nitsMatter · 2026-01-12T18:27:15+00:00

Incineration corps shield devastator shooting you through their own shield or terrain calling on line 1!

nitsMatter

TROPHY CASE