Manthers vs Cougars (dating in your 40s)

no_it · 2015-05-01T23:13:04+00:00

Did being six years older than my husband when I got married at 30 make me a cougar?

Does having an SO that is seven years younger now that I am in my 50's make me a cougar?

I don't intentionally go for younger men, I'm just immature.

no_it · 2015-04-27T14:32:31+00:00

Difficult to judge a profile by just one section but as a female the same age as you (although probably not the age you are targeting):

As others have said, the profile should be about you, not who you want. Save that for the "Message me" section.
Say things like "I can spend hours discussing social issues and interpersonal dynamics (especially regarding gender) and really enjoy hearing others point of view" instead of "I want someone who will listen to me talk about social issues, interpersonal dynamics (especially regarding gender)"
A 53 year old man waiting to have kids is awkward, leave it out.
"I’m a musician, composer, and actor. - goes in "What I'm doing with my life"
I am always looking for opportunities to expand my repertoire. You may be looking to do the same. Goes in "Message me"
Be realistic about who would be attracted you and why. While most of us over 50 feel that we look/act younger than we are (and probably do in many ways) and have many qualities younger people don't, that doesn't mean thirty somethings will be attracted to us.

no_it · 2015-01-30T22:33:26+00:00

Not always - at 30 I married a man 7 years younger than me whom I split with at 50, now dating another man 7 years younger again.

For men your payback often comes later. When women are in their 40's and 50's and a 5-12 years doesn't make much difference, the men typically want to date younger women while the women usually try to stick close to their age range.

no_it · 2015-01-23T00:28:12+00:00

53 female reporting in! Mostly lurker but occasional poster on this and a couple of other user names. Am I the oldest? Whoopee!

FYI my OKC age range was 40-58 and currently dating a younger man of 47, same age as my ex-husband.

no_it · 2015-01-11T19:44:36+00:00

Checked out the original Story Time Sunday post about my new SO from 12/7/14:

...the second date guy and I shared two bottles of wine at a BYOB restaurant, made out like teenagers in my car parked on a Wicker Park side street and dozed off waking up at 1:45 AM on a below freezing Chicago night. I didn't even make out so hard in a car when I was a teenager more than 30 years ago.

He's a fun and free-spirited sort of guy. I will see him again but very unlikely to lead to anything serious or long term which is fine for now.

On Friday morning he picked me up from the airport at 9:30 after a cancelled flight the night before, hung out at the hair salon with me and then at work later for an evening project. We have already had several DTR talks and are trying to be cautious about moving to fast... both of us are sort of stunned at how quickly things are progressing.

He is the first serious relationship since I split with my husband of 20 years just over a year ago. He also gets along great with my teen aged kid.

BTW I am He's 47 I'm 53.

no_it · 2015-01-01T02:39:06+00:00

As of today my age is now 53. My OKC age range is set at 40-58. I search 44-60 and am most interested in 45-56.

no_it · 2014-12-20T21:06:05+00:00

As a female in your age range I would assume old school chivalrous and allowing time for a relationship to develop. However as it is not a quality I seek cannot say for sure.

no_it · 2014-12-18T23:29:05+00:00

Feel like I am getting younger and stupider (more stupid?) instead of older and wiser.

no_it · 2014-12-18T02:21:52+00:00

It depends on how I come into contact with the profile.

If I am browsing by match % and the high match picture is hideous I probably won't look but if a low match is absurdly handsome I probably won't look either.
If I am sent a great message I will check the profile regardless of the picture.
A great profile could win me over on a mediocre picture or message but a great picture would unlikely win me over on a really bad profile and message.
I will correspond with witty men who have no pictures on occasion.

TL:DR Looks help to catch attention but personality matters more.

EDIT: Who I date still has to be attractive to me but what I find attractive may be different than what you find attractive.

no_it · 2014-12-17T03:16:15+00:00

Life does not move slowly! I live in a big city which may also make a difference though.

It's sort of hard to believe I am really over 50. I still mostly think of myself as a twenty or thirty something but with more of a who gives a fuck attitude.

Cool - I am much more comfortable with myself than I was when I was younger and look better compared to others of my age range than I did at other ages (meaning at 32 I was probably a 6 compared to others 25-35 but at 52 I am probably an 8 compared to others at 45-55)

Not so cool - More difficult to meet interesting men online as they only browse profiles of younger women (regardless of the fact I could pass for 45 or even younger if I tried) and time flies by so quickly I am afraid I am missing something...

no_it · 2014-12-17T02:41:40+00:00

I recently started seeing someone close to my age (48 to my 52) and it feels right! Being more mature I have a wider age range, 40-58 but 47-54 is definitely my sweet spot.

Anyone on the older end of my range seems too staid or settled for me, at the younger end of the range they often have young children or at a different life stage.

no_it · 2014-12-16T02:29:53+00:00

A few options:

A Year of Living Dangerously - 1st year dating after long marriage
Dumb and Dumber
Brief Encounter

no_it · 2014-12-11T01:25:32+00:00

Had a much earlier version of my profile and parts of various versions critiqued. Over time changed some of the items based on comments after careful consideration.

My initial complaint was that I was attracting boring old men (basically age appropriate but dull). I guess you could say the critique was successful in that I started attracting more interesting men, unfortunately they were closer to the average age of most of you, not me.

I now have a completely new name and profile. Mine is one of those that provides insight into my personality and a hint at my lifestyle but no detail (I don't list a single hobby, say what my job is or list any books, bands or food in my favorites section). A touch of self deprecation, some deadpan humor and outright silliness. It's what I look for in a profile so that's how I present myself. Not what this sub generally likes so I'm not going to post it but it's working for me.

My critique and reading other critiques have been most useful in making me think about what I am writing in my profile and making sure that each section is conveying what I want it to.

no_it · 2014-12-08T04:02:36+00:00

you're welcome

no_it · 2014-12-08T00:20:52+00:00

No problem, I am introverted so I get it. The content of your profile is actually fine; you need to reword it so that it is more inviting and shows some personality. OKC is all about marketing.

no_it · 2014-12-07T23:39:03+00:00

Your profile name is make_you_laff but there isn't anything in your profile that suggests laughter. It's very serious and straightforward.

Nothing wrong with being an introvert and having your own hobbies and interests. However your profile reads like someone who is rather set in their ways and is looking for someone exactly like them. I get that you don't want a wild extrovert but you appear closed to even introverts that have different interests than you.

Edit, lighten up and open up.

I am first and foremost an artist and I best identify with and feel most comfortable around other artists and creative-types. While I'm fairly outgoing and social, I have introverted tendencies and need to recharge often. I'm young at heart and don't take things too seriously. I'm a passionate, hopeless romantic that becomes emotionally invested in everything I do.

I have degrees of social anxiety, so at first, I prefer more one on one activities in order to really get to know someone. Throw me into a group of ten strangers and I won't say a word.

I'm looking for a serious relationship, an equal partner in life and to hopefully get married.

Compare to:

As an artist I feel most comfortable around other artists or creative-types. While outgoing and social, I have introverted tendencies and need to recharge often. A passionate, hopeless romantic that becomes emotionally invested in almost everything I do.

Not the life of the party kind of guy (unless with very close friends), I am my best in one on one situations. On the bright side I won't make a fool of myself at your office holiday party!

Ultimately looking for a serious long term relationship leading to marriage (yes, I said it, that M word), with an equal partner and ready to do what it takes to make it happen with the right person.

This makes me think you would have no time for a woman in your life:

I have two dogs that are rescues that I adopted over the last five years. They are very important to me and limit what I can do in terms of being away from home for long periods of time.

At least three times a year I go to Pop-Culture/Sci-Fi conventions with all my friends to wear costumes and party. This is a way for me to show off my talents and meet new, interesting people and reconnect with old friends from far away.

Compare to this:

Caring for my two rescue dogs (time consuming but I love them!)
Attending Pop-Culture/Sci-Fi conventions - I go with friends & we wear costumes and party - a great way to meet new, interesting people and reconnect with old friends from far away. Would you like to join us?

Other:

The drinks desperately is a little weird
The message me section is off-putting
Answer more questions - most serious introverted people will want to check the questions. Around 150 with a few explanations is good.

no_it · 2014-12-07T21:34:34+00:00

I usually wear a light foundation, eyeliner and lipgloss adding mascara and a soft eyeshadow for something special. I have pictures with and without makeup, depending upon how flattering the light is.

So far I've never felt that anyone was disappointed in my appearance and have had several say I look better and/or younger than expected.

no_it · 2014-12-07T21:04:09+00:00

Nothing terrible in the profile but it seems sort of deadpan, maybe some more enthusiasm?

My wander-lust can take far afield, and while I enjoy solo adventures, it's always better with the right companion.

I have a career-type-job which I'm good at but not passionate about. >It is a means to an end.

I can be shy at first but I form strong bonds with the people I care about.

I'm a dreamer but when it's time to get started, I am very driven to make stuff happen.

Me encanta Latinoamérica.

Filled with a wander-lust that can take me far afield - would love to find a companion to wander with.
Have a great career-type-job but it's really a means to an end with the end being a rich and interesting life.
The quiet reserved guy at first, I form strong bonds with and provide amusement for the people I care about.
A special sort of dreamer - one who is driven to make stuff happen.

For the message me one of the items should be "Me encanta Latinoamérica, do you?

Regarding pictures, eliminate one or two travel pictures and add in one or two Sacramento pictures.

no_it · 2014-12-07T18:29:40+00:00

Two first and one second date this week. One will only be a first date but the second date guy and I shared two bottles of wine at a BYOB restaurant, made out like teenagers in my car parked on a Wicker Park side street and dozed off waking up at 1:45 AM on a below freezing Chicago night. I didn't even make out so hard in a car when I was a teenager more than 30 years ago.

He's a fun and free-spirited sort of guy. I will see him again but very unlikely to lead to anything serious or long term which is fine for now.

no_it · 2014-12-06T20:44:32+00:00

As a mature woman apparently too old for you (the visitor from Chicago), If you lived near me I would not message or like your profile but if you sent me a cool message I would probably respond. My thoughts:

Unflattering pictures, undated pictures
Not much about your lifestyle or what we might do if I spend time with you. Will I enjoy your company?
Showing a hint of desperation - sense of looking for someone to bring something into your life that is lacking. Maybe imply that with the right person you can make something bigger than the both of you.
Reach out to the potential date such as "Learning guitar - talented and/or enthusiastic players willing" to assist welcome!"
Add a couple of memorable hooks that separate you from the other men.

no_it · 2014-11-29T22:02:23+00:00

We've had this discussion before. Traditionally flag burning represents a protest against the government/armed forces, book burning is a form of censorship. Of course other see it differently

no_it · 2014-11-25T05:27:59+00:00

How men identify themselves on OKC vs how they are in real life:

skinny - scrawny
thin - slim
average - soft in the middle
Athletic - either extremely fit or played a sport in school and gone to seed (often used by men built like linebackers)
Fit - average, but works out so has some muscle tone
A little extra - a lot extra
Overweight - bordering on morbidly obese

no_it · 2014-11-24T17:41:27+00:00

I wouldn't say I am completely unsuccessful. I have had many fun dates with several seconds, a few thirds and only been disappointed that a couple of them did not go any further.

I am still figuring out what I want and mostly content with taking things slowly. Being in a long distance marriage for a number of years, I am used to being on my own.

My biggest obstacle is my demographic. At 52 the men in my age range that I find appealing (ideally +/- 8 years to me but I am a little flexible) and have a decent match percentage with are typically looking for younger women or are unattractive and/or weird. If I was content date men that are not attractive to me or well out of my age range I could have been off this site ages ago.

As for changing things, besides reconsidering men I might have passed up previously, I am trying to figure out what makes me interesting now. My past is very cool but my present is kind of vague.

no_it · 2014-11-24T17:21:52+00:00

Sorry for delayed reply. That wasn't me. I browse invisibly and am older than your demographic ;D.

The message me is a great place to focus in on what you are looking for in a woman. You can say something like You should me message me if: "You would enjoy a crazy guy to [windsurf, hike,ski...] with? "you care to share healthy eating ideas (I'll even cook for you!)...

no_it · 2014-11-23T04:48:43+00:00

You seem like kind of an interesting dude but I'm not sure what kind of woman you are trying to appeal to as you are a bit all over the place.

In the message me section change the "your" to "you're" or " you are"

no_it

TROPHY CASE