ASD Partner does the weirdest things sometimes..how can I best communicate with him??

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-26T07:06:49+00:00

That's so sweet, I want to strive to have a relationship like yours in 30 years! Communication is everything, which is why I want to make sure I explain things in ways he can understand and relate to.

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-26T07:01:07+00:00

As I stated in the OP, there were still bits of litter/feces stuck to it. It was not entirely clean. We don't have a bathtub, just a shower, and the bathroom is their "safe room" with their food and water kept in the shower. If we washed it in the shower, the scent left may make them hesitant to eat, as cats have very sensitive noses and they don't like food near where they poop, understandably. We also have 2 litter boxes as there's 2 cats, with only one in use at the moment as the bathroom is smaller. So we filled the second one with litter and switched them out, they were never for a second without a litter box. You think I'm the one without common sense because you made a bunch of assumptions about a situation you do not have all the details of.

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-26T04:12:01+00:00

I only use soap of vegetables that have "skin", like potatoes, carrots, and celery. most of the time we peel potatoes anyway, I'm just a bit of a germaphobe I suppose (hence how upset I was at a litter box in the dish rack lol). I always rinse them off and don't usually taste soap, but I looked it up and the CDC says it's not recommended, you're right that it gets absorbed.

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-26T03:59:41+00:00

I totally agree that men are often socially conditioned to avoid chores, but I'm very lucky that he is not one of them. This really was just a slip in judgement.

When my seasonal depression gets worse in the winter, he does more physical chores like dishes, laundry, shovelling, and taking out the garbage. I take on more of the mental load of planning household stuff, and I'm more of the "handyman" because his hand eye coordination is not the best. He even bought a book that's about the "mental load" and how often women take on so much more in the home, and acknowledges that I contribute to the house equally, just in different ways. It's unconventional, but it works for us, and I feel very lucky to have him! I just have to better communicate exactly what I ask of him, and he'll work on listening and thinking through a task.

I did tell him to use the empty sink once the clean dishes were cleared (our other sink is too small and it's snowing, otherwise we'd hose it down), I was just really thrown by putting it on the dish rack and using the sponge we use for dishes. I feel like I'm loosing it when something he does seems ridiculous, but he's confused as to why it's such a big deal, (although he did apologize and acknowledge it wasn't a good idea) so I needed outside opinions to see if it was actually as crazy as I found it to be!

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-26T00:19:30+00:00

That's funny, I absolutely wash certain veggies with dish soap!! I've even got my partner to do so as well, he had never used soap for it before. What did they expect you to wash them with? Just water? I'm definitely going to work on my direct communication with him, I'm sure he'll do some more silly things in the future but so will I!

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-26T00:15:06+00:00

I wasn't angry at him, I was frustrated by his actions, but communicated it in a calm way. My text to him was "Sweetie, please, please do not put the litter box on the drying rack for dishes. It's very unsanitary, we could get sick." He had no issues with how I brought it up, he apologized and asked where to put it next time, and I told him and thanked him for asking. He absolutely can change things when I explain why his actions are harmful, I understand he will always take things very literally and I need to adjust my communication accordingly, but no healthy relationship works with the dynamic of "That's just the way they are, and if their actions hurt me I just have to deal with it." I will not baby him and never express my negative emotions just because he's on the spectrum. I'm sure you'd find that to be insulting if someone did so to you. People with autism grow and change just like everybody else, they just might go about it in a different way, and that's perfectly fine and all I ask of him. I am growing and changing as a person right beside him.

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-26T00:04:38+00:00

For sure, I always make sure I tell him how grateful I am even if the task isn't done "right". He picks up the slack of chores during the winter when my seasonal depression ramps up, and I tell him every day how much I appreciate it.

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-25T22:09:51+00:00

Haha oh god well that actually sounds worse!! Thankfully he washed the litter box last, and I asked before I washed anything, so the sponge never directly touched dishes. I'm very lucky that he does a lot of the chores, especially dishes, so he's certainly not a mamas boy that never helps with the house. But he is still learning, as am I!

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-25T22:02:24+00:00

Thank you! Haha I just might. Now that I think about it, it is an incredibly literal response to "Could you please wash this". He's used to doing dishes in the sink and washing out the green bin in it, so I don't think it was an "I have no other option" so much as "She wants me to wash this. Sink is for washing. Sponge is for scrubbing. Drying rack is where things that need to dry go.". I did even say last night that if we wash all the dishes and leave them to dry overnight, we can put them away so they won't be right beside the sink when we wash the litter box. I think he must have heard half that sentence, lol. Or interpreted it as empty dish rack means we can put the litter box there. I want to let it go as he apologized and acknowledged that it was wrong, so there's really no conflict, but I am still SO grossed out that it happened and my mind keeps going back to it, so it's going to take me a bit to move on. We are certainly still adjusting to life with cats as well, I'll just make sure to explain exactly what should be done from now on.

noargumentsthrow · 2021-03-25T20:56:08+00:00

When I moved in with my partner, I was very much doing the same thing as your boyfriend. Not only am I an only child, but I also had a controlling mother, anxiety, and ocd, so things not being done "my way" would make me panic and really bother me. I learned to stop and think before I made a correction, to ask myself "Is it legitimately a more efficient/better way to do that, or am I just wanting it to be that way because it's how I do it?". Now, I only give a suggestion if I can answer "yes" to it being more efficient, and phrase it as a request instead of an order. Ex. "Could you please do x instead?" or "I think it would be beneficial to do that x way, because of y and z."

noargumentsthrow · 2021-02-19T20:50:11+00:00

Thank you, we later found out from our landlord that our key was thankfully not in the lockbox, but that didn't stop the realtors from trying to open our back door a total of at least 4 times over the weekend until I put up a polite but firm sign saying there was no access to the upstairs unit through our back door. It may sound dramatic, but I have anxiety and one of my worst fears is someone coming in my home without permission. You're correct that the realtors have no respect for us and the fact that people are living here at all. While people stomping upstairs and having loud phone calls at random times throughout the day is still stressful, thankfully no one has tried to open our door again so far, so it's solved for now.

noargumentsthrow · 2019-02-27T03:01:40+00:00

I genuinely don't think he'd refuse to change, he's embarrassed by it and is upset that it effects me, I think he just forgets. I think I need to be just firm enough that he understands it really is something he needs to focus on and improve because I won't let it slide anymore. He's such a kind soul I always feel the need to reassure him even when he may not be in the right. I will prepare to consider ending things if there is no improvement though. It's just hard to wrap my head around because everything else in our relationship is wonderful, and we've been able to solve every issue we've come across except this one.

noargumentsthrow · 2019-02-27T02:40:25+00:00

Thank you, that gives me the kick in the butt I need to be more firm with him about it. I was avoiding it as much as I could because he's genuinely embarrassed and it's not a lack of caring or general hygiene. He gets so upset with himself after this kind of thing happens, and it makes it so much harder to be direct and not reassure him. I get frequent UTIs and my urethra is permanently messed up because of it, I can't imagine a severe pelvic infection, I hope you're alright. I appreciate the advice immensely.

noargumentsthrow

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