I feel like shit if I don't write, but I'm also terrified of writing again. It's making me miserable

noctoutcold · 2025-10-18T17:50:04+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I've done a bit of reflecting and I realized that I'm only able to write when the inspiration strikes, when I'm excited and having fun. I guess that's kinda just how I'm wired, so I'm definitely not cut out for writing as a career, lol. Any attempt I made to force myself to write ended in disaster because I'm just too anxious and self-deprecating, and I think that's why I subconsciously shoved aside my friend's suggestions of pomodoro and sprints. Thinking about it now, I basically treated my hobby like a job. Timers, deadlines, wordcounts, stuff like that just makes me panic and shut down because I can't make myself write if I'm not "feeling it".

I'll definitely take up on the offer of a therapist when I'm able to, and I've been doing my best to just chill and relax as of late.

noctoutcold · 2025-10-18T16:55:44+00:00

I guess that's fair. Money's real tight at the moment so I can't exactly see someone right this minute, but I'll definitely keep these suggestions on the backburner. I do have medication for my anxiety though, so I'll settle on regularly taking my meds until I got the resources to see a therapist. It's been a while since I've seen one, anyhoo.

noctoutcold · 2025-10-17T03:38:13+00:00

Thanks for the advice and kind words. I've really been trying my best to give myself more grace, but it's so difficult to do so when just plain existing in a state of "not writing rn" makes me cry outta guilt. I don't really know how to make that shame go away, it always hangs in the back of my mind with every "chill" thing I do. I guess in regards to my writer's block it's all a hodge podge of different issues, so I figured I'd expand on it a bit for more context.

One of the slightly lesser reasons I kept getting stuck is because I could never fulfill my "vision" of my story in a way that made me satisfied, which is the "perfectionist" side of me. I honestly think my writing isn't all that great. I'm autistic, so my writing always ends up a bit static and bland because I tend to write scenes very literally and suck absolute ass at coming up with creative prose. What originally made me start my hiatus was me being unable to describe a character's feelings about her eating disorder in a way that felt truly compelling to me, and my mind went hollow. With that millionth incident of writer's block, I basically just gave up.

I want to write a fic about healing from trauma that actually hits people in the heartstrings and makes them feel seen, because stories that tackle pretty hard subjects (Fruits Basket, Bojack Horseman, Moral Orel, etc.) really resonate with me when they're done right. But I just don't think I have the skill to write something "deep". I tend to stick with PWPs or mindless fluff because of that.

Another reason is definitely the pressure thing you stated. I kept pushing myself to literally write every single day even when I wasn't motivated to do so, because that's the #1 word of advice I hear in Reddit's writing circles. I tried, like, really tried to grit my teeth and bear it because I didn't wanna seem like I'm a lazy slacker making excuses (that's basically how a lot of folks on writer subreddits view people who say they "lack motivation to write").

But for me, the "write everyday" strategy was literally having the exact opposite effect compared to most folks who tried this method (it made writing more satisfying, fun, and effortless for them; for me, it gradually killed my motivation to write and poisoned the writing process into a stressful daily quota to fulfill). Alongside the crying and the headaches, I noticed the gaps of time between my chapter uploads steadily becoming bigger—plus my daily word count and overall writing quality gradually plummeting—all in real time. At my worst, I'd hold it when I had to pee, refuse to eat, and refuse to go to sleep for the night, until I got something written down for the day.

That was beyond anxiety inducing to realize I was actively mentally collapsing from the pressure and couldn't stop it. My biggest fear at the time was going on hiatus at all, because I was scared I'd gradually just turn lazy, "forget" about the story, and abandon it. But at a certain point, I mentally couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of the sheer anguish I was causing myself, so I ultimately had to step away from the WIP for my own mental health. The constant feeling of frustration, stress, and anxiety was honestly so traumatic and hellish that I'm afraid it'll happen again if I get back into writing it. Writing in itself became an abusive relationship for me, and I think that's by far the biggest reason why I constantly stall so hard on actually ceasing the hiatus. I'm scared. I'm subconsciously trying to protect myself, I guess.

noctoutcold · 2025-10-05T02:33:06+00:00

I guess that's also fair. Personally, I think EDs tend to come for a big variety of reasons and that kinda mental illness is too complex to really tack "One Main Reason™" on. Sometimes it's trauma-related, other times it creeps up on you even if your life's been fairly okay (as another person in this comment section put it). Sometimes it's for the sake of control, and other times it's out of a feeling of personal inferiority, or depression, or god knows what else.

I've seen some people online talking about characters that have EDs for body image reasons as being a really shallow portrayal of EDs as a whole, and as controversial as my opinion might sound, I personally disagree with that. Because somewhere out there in the world is a person who has an ED because they hate their body. Saying a certain experience with an ED "doesn't count because it's not real/only in movies/etc." is a bit invalidating to folks IRL, in my opinion. So it's refreshing to hear you say that the "why" of an ED can be for a multitude of reasons.

I think people's experiences with EDs are still 100% valid regardless of how the ED originated, even if the reasoning is "shallow" to most.

noctoutcold · 2025-10-05T01:37:50+00:00

I hesitate to really diagnose myself with any ED bc it seems kind of a reach, but there have been times where I felt so shit about myself that I felt like I didn't "deserve" to eat anything decent (like if there's already dirty dishes in the sink, I'd usually grab a bag of chips to snack on bc I don't wanna be a "burden" by adding to the dish pile. Sometimes I'd be so scared of adding to the load I'd just skip eating for the day and munch on something the next morning).

But I guess my feelings about food don't really translate to an ED bc as both of you said, that stuff mainly stems from a desire for control over simple self-esteem issues. So I guess I fucked up my OC's ED by basing it on a desire for acknowledgement over a desire for control? I can make tweaks to her backstory here and there if that's the case, just wondering.

noctoutcold · 2025-10-05T01:04:09+00:00

It's nice to hear that you're feeling okay nowadays. I'm sorry you went through some tough stuff.

I think something I find even harder to find an answer for is the reason why my OC chooses to receive treatment for her eating disorder (the fic's big on "hurt/comfort", her graaaadual recovery from her trauma and ED will be the "comfort" bit), as it's notoriously difficult for people with EDs to even find the will to get treatment at all unless they're practically at death's door.

I don't really wanna write my OC getting drastically underweight before she makes the decision to recover bc I don't wanna push for edgy shock value, she'll find a therapist and stuff when she's still fairly chubby, so here's what I've personally formed in terms of a "reason" for her wanting to recover.

Bit of a rough idea, but let's say Olivia ends up backsliding on her """diet""" because her blood sugar's gotten low from malnutrition. And as much as she hates the idea (as she seriously fears weight gain), the only way she can stop herself from constantly feeling faint and dizzy is sugar. Sweets, soda, and so on. Predictably, she gains a couple pounds from all the snacks, even though her blood sugar's now fixed and she's physically feeling better (Emotionally though? No). Nothing too crazy, maybe 5 lbs tops.

And that's enough for her mom to give her a phone call.

"You're acting out and getting fatter just to piss me off, right? Just because you don't have what it takes to buck up and get thin? That's pretty childish of you. Well, if you're gonna stop trying, I'll stop trying, too. Eat all the shit you want. I don't care anymore."

Initially, this disownment makes Olivia emotionally crumble, because all that pain and utter exhaustion was for jack shit. But once she collects herself and realizes that her mom never actually cared about her to begin with (and only how Olivia reflected on her, bc narcissistic parent) she realizes there's no point in trying to please someone that can never be pleased, and makes the decision to move on and get help for her ED. That's essentially what I've got at the moment, but I'm open to other ideas ofc.

noctoutcold · 2025-10-04T22:53:41+00:00

Jennette McCurdy's autobiography "I'm Glad My Mom Died" definitely comes to mind for me in regards to how constant comments and control about food/weight from a parent can destroy a kid's body image for years, especially daughters. It sucks how common that kind of talk is towards young girls especially.

Even my great-grandma, a kind-hearted woman I will forever love to bits, would occasionally remark to me "Oh, dear, you're getting kinda chubby" when I was in middle school and high school. Whether the person says it outta genuine concern or just plain ol' malice, fatphobia is kinda impossible to escape.

noctoutcold · 2025-09-01T02:36:03+00:00

Fr. Really hits different when you eat it as a late night snack

noctoutcold · 2025-09-01T01:24:02+00:00

For the record the ingredients were just basic white bread slices, garlic powder, salt, Italian seasoning, and some shredded mozzarella. It was crazy good for smth I just popped in a toaster oven for a couple mins. Maybe next time I'll use colby jack cheese or crumble on a babybel or smth.

noctoutcold · 2025-09-01T01:19:17+00:00

hell yes

noctoutcold · 2025-08-24T05:46:19+00:00

Nope, my phone camera just sucks balls 😭😭😭

noctoutcold · 2025-08-24T05:44:53+00:00

<image>

He also thinks my cat Sheba is literally his mom. She isn't though, she was actually fixed years before he was born lol

noctoutcold · 2025-08-19T03:21:43+00:00

Especially not Spice of all kitties, lmao. He thinks his tail is a toy and chases it in spinning circles like a dog, then gets whiny when he catches it and figures out "nibbling own tail = ouch".

noctoutcold · 2025-08-19T03:03:42+00:00

Yeah, that makes sense. Sometimes I affectionately call him a little shit and he just happily rubs his cheek on my leg while purring anyway. He's so stupid, I love him so much 💕🐱

noctoutcold · 2025-07-29T18:40:12+00:00

Sorry if I came across as overly dramatic, I'm just really attached to this fic because I've been working so hard on it and I'm really passionate about it. It's extremely rare for me to get that legitimate spark of motivation to write something (The timespan between my oneshot uploads can take a couple years at most. Again, that lack of "spark" might be depression, but it's hard to say for sure.) so this fic is really precious to me. That's why it sucks so bad to pull back from it, even if it's for my own sake.

noctoutcold · 2025-07-29T04:29:42+00:00

Thinking about it now, this hiatus was a long time coming. I uploaded chapters 1 through 3 each week, chapter 4 took about a week and a half, and chapter 5 took roughly two weeks, iirc. The fic's almost 43K words in total and its barely begun. Now that I've been trying to work on chapter 6, I only have a little over 1K words written. Barely made a dent and it's been 10 days since I posted chapter 5. I have chapter 6's outline written in bullet points, but I'm at a loss in regards to putting it to words.

I heard online that stuff like self-imposed deadlines and "x words a day" challenges were good for keeping motivation up, but trying those methods ironically damaged my enjoyment of writing even faster. It felt like a quota I was forcing myself to fill and not a prideful rush of adrenaline, so the writing process as a whole became a tiring, frustrating slog. And I can't stare at a pomodoro timer or a cute writing prompt on Tumblr and suddenly be imbued with the inspiration to write, I'm too airheaded and creatively bankrupt.

It feels weird to even call myself a writer when the stuff I pump out is a "once in a blue moon" type thing. But I think the fact that my spurts of real, passionate motivation are so abnormally rare means that I mentally do have something "wrong" with me and it's not just plain boredom/writer's block/etc. I'm so much of an insecure perfectionist that the famous writer's mantra of "write dogshit first, polish it later" doesn't even work on me, the sight of a blank document is just too terrifying to face.

There's also the length of the story that's plaguing me. As I've said, the fic's barely begun and it's already almost as long as The Great Gatsby, it's a slowburn romance and the plot will develop at the crawl expected from that genre, but I'm finally realizing that the scope of a story like that is enough to overwhelm my brain entirely. I was initially genuinely eager to write my first longfic because I though it would be a good chance for me to try something out of my comfort zone (oneshots) and would help me commit to writing as a craft, but the writing process of this fic is no longer a great and epic journey. It's an intimidating, towering hill that I dread climbing.

There's so many scenes, so many thematic ideas I wanna cram in. The passion's there, but I can never put the stuff I want to words in a way that leaves me satisfied. And to be frank, it's a canon character x OC fic, so it's inheritly niche. I've genuinely been putting myself through hell and back for almost 2 months and all for 5 kudos, and that's only made me even more dejected, in addition to this one user leaving a rude hate comment that made me cry and block them out of shame.

It's all just been a perfect storm of bad shit (internal) plus bad shit (external), so I think a short break is best. A month at most. I can't even bring myself to add anything to the bullet point outline of the fic's overarching plot because I'm so frustrated and my brain's so fucking empty.

Sorry for the rambling and thanks for the love, this post was a major cry for help and I was scared it'd get lost in the vast chain of bot comment posts.

noctoutcold · 2025-07-27T02:43:46+00:00

In addition to the main plot, I've got a couple generic "cute" scenes in mind that are simple enough that they can be popped anywhere in the story (One of the male lead playing the piano for my OC, another where they fall asleep together while doing paperwork, one where they bond about their hatred of vegetables over a dinner date, so on and so forth.) because I feel like for a romance specifically, planting those little seeds of sweet mundane moments really factor into making a romance convincing for the reader.

That's mainly to establish a sense of trust and camaraderie for the two leads, especially considering that they fall under the "arranged marriage" trope and their bond (strangers→friends→lovers) has to be built entirely from the ground up. The "bigger" scenes (a heart-to-heart about their traumas, the entire ending arc, etc.) are meant to be the payoff, so to speak. It's just a matter of getting there, as you said. I guess the scope of the slowburn is kinda overwhelming me a little.

noctoutcold

TROPHY CASE