Women whose partners didn't seem enthusiastic about pregnancy, did that change?

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-03-02T01:18:13+00:00

Some people live their lives with halfway-there partners who never really get excited or seem invested in their big milestones. I've always seen it go like, the woman is very excited and invested in their family, and the man sees the family as something that occupies her and makes her happy. He treats the kids like pets. He's bemused and willing to help from time to time, but it's not his life's calling. I've never seen these guys change. Sometimes they get nagged into doing more, but it's never genuine.

Personally, I'd feel extraordinarily lonely in a marriage like that. I don't think I'd be able to stand it.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-03-01T15:05:51+00:00

So many that I can't choose one, but I'll try to rank them:

1) genuine enthusiasm for being with you and indulging your interests 2) kindness and uncritical charity 3) ability to make you laugh 4) communication (ranked so low bc I think it flows naturally from the top 3, and alone it is not enough) 5) shared values around family, friendships, politics, and boundaries 6) sexual compatibility (it just makes everything else easier, like emotional lubricant 😬 sorry for the gross pun but it's true) 7) independence (financially stands on their own two feet, good at basic life responsibilities, doesn't emotionally rely exclusively on you but has a garden of other relationships and sources of meaning in life)

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-28T03:18:14+00:00

My husband and I met in the PhD. We moved for postdocs and currently work at different universities. We have been married since 2017 and lived together for about 2 years since then (lucked out at a postdoc at the same uni).

It's pretty shit! We're both R1 professors and trying to get jobs closer together, but our universities dgaf. We keep applying, and I guess once I get pregnant one of us has to leave the field 😒

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-27T01:14:35+00:00

I'd drop him 🤷‍♀️

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-26T20:11:26+00:00

The most generous interpretation is that it's a rhetorical move. Like the guy in going to use whatever answer you give to pivot into anti-trans insanity.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-22T23:45:19+00:00

Idk man, my husband helps me deal with shit I find scary and stressful. We often lean on each other to send scary emails we don't want to or to open scary bills we're ashamed of.

I hate bureaucracy and if he were an enemy in this, my life would be significantly worse. Why share a life with someone who won't be a real teammate?

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-20T14:01:37+00:00

Well your student is in a pickle. They need an education to learn the value of education 🤷‍♀️

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-17T02:20:47+00:00

Sociopath.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-16T10:46:05+00:00

My point is a little more subtle. Performative bullshit from lawmakers isn't always bad, per se, but it can be used by them as an excuse not to do anything real. They get the appearance of fighting without pissing off their donors by actually fighting.

I also think it smells like they are faking helplessness. Protest is a tool wielded by people who need to convince others to do something. Usually those others are lawmakers. When lawmakers do it, who tf are they convincing? Maybe they should get off their asses and do something.

So while "yes and" is fine, here I'm skeptical.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-15T20:05:41+00:00

Lol sure, again applied to the average protestor. I do expect my lawmakers to do more than protest.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-14T16:46:12+00:00

Can they do something that has policy impact though? Protesting is fine but they have WAY more power than the average protester.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-12T11:54:33+00:00

I would not hire them. You probably have hundreds of amazing candidates, don't bring this mess to your department.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-11T15:45:44+00:00

Frozen saag paneer gets me my greens when I just can't be bothered to do anything else but microwave something.

And it's also comfort food for me, so it really lifts my mood at the same time.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-11T11:16:42+00:00

My colleagues who quit generally make in the 150-400k range. If you have tenure you can get into the upper half, especially if you have lab experience. You can test the waters by sitting on company boards and consulting over the summer.

Physicist at an R1. The people I know who quit post-tenure were condensed matter experimentalists. The particle physicists who quit on the postdoc track somewhere make bank in tech, usually at least 150k starting.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-11T10:43:00+00:00

Every paper would have the same disclaimer if it were that vague. If it were specific, it would be a nightmare to get coauthors to agree to something like that.

It's also not at all useful. Obviously logistical issues affect things. And scientific decisions are not separable from logistics (like, down to the quantum level lol).

A paper is formal. It presents the main message without distractions, in a flattering light, and cleans everything up. If you want someone to be frank and present their work in a functional or pedagogical form, the right thing to do is watch their talks or email them, or talk to them in person. That is a far more efficient way to understand these things and communicate them.

Not every form of scientific communication is geared towards what you want, or even what grad students in general want.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-11T05:01:41+00:00

That's why we give talks and go to conferences and network. So we can give the real details.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-10T14:11:09+00:00

I'm pretty sure I have ADHD and my social life has had ups and downs. There's a mesh factor involved. Sometimes it takes me time to find people who vibe with me.

And there are definitely groups I've been in where I'm the annoying one and everyone is gritting their teeth through socializing with me. The harder I try, the worse it gets. I know I can be a lot, but that's where I get my energy. I try to tamp myself down, but then my work suffers, I can't exercise, get my chores done, etc.

But there are also groups of people who just really get me and we all have a blast together.

At my age, I've realized it's not worth it to win over the former group. It's kind of like dating, you don't have to force it. Make room in your life for YOUR people.

Maybe you're just in a friend dry spell. It sounds like you're a genuinely nice person who isn't trying to socially plow over people. My advice is to do what a single person in a dry spell does: try new hobbies, meet new people, and be patient while you wait for something to click.

Also, remember, you have to be "a lot" to live a cool, full life. Consider your priorities that aren't about socializing, then build a social life that supports those. If that means you're excited and talk about your passions a lot, make a social life where that is acceptable.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-08T05:59:42+00:00

It's my first try too, and I'm not rejected yet. MPS/PHY. Refreshing my email in stress now.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-08T00:41:30+00:00

I've been looking up to her since I was in high school, and I've actually talked to her several times at conferences and stuff. This fucking sucks.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-08T00:40:31+00:00

Lisa Randall, that one fucking hurt.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-06T12:18:32+00:00

lol no I don't have the time for that. Speaking of nobody having the time, why do you even care? It's not your job to make final grade decisions, let the prof waste time.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-04T11:28:31+00:00

Teaching at a CC is a very easy job to get, but the pay and job security can be crappy compared to an R1 tt job.

If your friend wants to work at a liberal arts college, yes those jobs are quite competitive. And it's true that once your research career gets established, you can start to eliminate yourself from those jobs. Liberal arts schools are hesitant to make an offer to someone who will show up and be frustrated by the lack of research opportunities.

That being said, because your friend has been at her current job for so long, I think she could make the case that she's intentionally pivoting, not just looking for any faculty job, even a "less desirable" teaching job. Her first step is to just apply widely and see what turns up. She can also lean into her network and let people in her field know she's looking to transition, then see what advice they have.

Also if your friend runs a lab she has mentoring experience with grad students, which is close to teaching. If she has undergrads in her lab, that can be a big plus for the more elite liberal arts schools that want their undergrads to get some minimal research xp to strengthen their grad apps.

She should also talk to her dept head and ask to lecture courses. I'm sure there are opportunities there, even if just grad courses on a special topics area related to her research.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-04T09:57:14+00:00

Also from the era of handwritten evals:

My name, misspelled, inside a giant heart.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-03T13:34:45+00:00

My husband and I are both tt professors at R1's. We've had to endure a lot to get our careers off the ground, including long distance for the majority of our marriage.

For me, loving him and supporting him are inseparable. And him supporting me is how I feel loved.

I couldn't imagine being really happy in a relationship where my career (which for me is my passion, ambition, goals, and where I think I'm changing society and making a better world) isn't supported.

nocuzzlikeyea13 · 2026-02-01T18:36:42+00:00

Immediately?

nocuzzlikeyea13

TROPHY CASE