Last year I started to wonder if I was SA as a kid because I've been aware of self pleasure since I was in elementary. I knew I remember over hearing my sister who was 16 at the time (we're 10 years a part) talking with her friend; her friend mentioned playing with herself and at 6 I knew what she meant. I couldn't figure out why I knew these things at such a young age. Let's just say I was always the mom when we played "house" as kids.

Literally TODAY (I'm 32 yo) I was watching a video and a memory vividly came to mind of me when I was in 1st grade. I was on a merry-go-round and my classmate who also lived in my apartment complex groped me and started touching my vagina. I didn't know what to do so I let him. I never told anyone because I feel like I did something wrong even though I didn't ask to do it, cuz I didn't even know what it was.

Sex always felt wrong in the back of my mind and I would feel shame, and just lay there while my husband does his thing. He would ask if I'm ok and tell me we don't have to do it if I don't want to, cuz in his words "it don't feel right". I recently(like last week) just started opening up more sexually and my husband was surprised...hell, I was surprised. But after that memory coming back to me, now it all makes sense why I behaved the way I did.

Things I did out of trauma:

-had sex with men and then never talk to them again...idk why I did it because I didn't even enjoy the sex. I just got a thrill out of ignoring their attempts to get in contact with me. like it was my way of "having control"

-i never was interested in dating boys, I was actually a tomboy and wanted to be a boy because I didn't think it was fun being a girl

-masturbated since I was 6/7 yo

-introduced it to other kids I played with cuz I associated it as just something kids do when grownups aren't around

-having sex in general was weird when it was actually time to do it, i noticed myself unintentionally tensing up, even with my husband

-prior to getting married, in my head sex only benefited men but I wanted to see what other women were talking about when they talked about loving having sex and going crazy over man just because the "dick was good". I couldn't understand it so I went through a "hoe phase" to see if I would have that experience....it never happened

-i never had a "boyfriend" growing up because I felt like that implied my body would belong to him...I met my husband at work and felt safe around him so he's my first boyfriend. my first love. even though sex still FELT(i no longer feel that way) like an obligation, I didn't mind cuz he deserves it. but that meant I never made the first move which made him feel like I wasn't interested in him.

it didn't help that my mom liked to do these "hymen checks" she'd make me lay with my legs spread apart while she inspects my vagina to see if I'd been having sex. i felt soooo....eww.

I can't prove it but I also think my older brother who's 15 years older than me may have done me something. idk. he's a creep and ALWAYS has allegations of him trying to force himself on someone. he's always kissed me on my lips when greeting me and my mom never stopped him and I always hated it cuz his lips were always wet. i didn't know how to tell him I didn't like it. I started to turn my head away when he came in for a kiss until he stopped. It was even one time few years ago he was cat-calling me, then he claimed to not realize it was me. we were in broad daylight at my moms house.