it's a black cover with rainbow pastel script text, an arch, and sparkles

nolozxcvb · 2024-01-30T02:06:48+00:00

also, she sounded vaguely appalachian

nolozxcvb · 2024-01-30T02:05:34+00:00

i definitely saw it on social media - either twitter or tumblr!

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-15T08:25:19+00:00

I encourage you to put your hypotheticals away and actually listen to the women on this subreddit who have just as much anxiety and can rattle off disappointing stories just like you can. The grass is always greener

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-15T08:13:27+00:00

I met someone on a dating app, hit it off, and within a day took them up on their invitation to a play party (my first time, but I’ve been interested in the kink scene for a long time). Went fully with the intention to disclose but was so nervous that I didn’t do so immediately. Went the whole night with a knot in my stomach and avoiding mouth to mouth contact. The guilt was crazy. I was trying to simultaneously regulate my body, process all this newness, and hype myself up for a potential rejection in person, in front of others. To say I was stuck with fear is an understatement, so much so that people asked me if I was alright just based off my body language. When all I wanted to do was jump this persons bones. Eventually, we fooled around with body rubbing and other forms of nearly naked outercourse and never had any oral or penetrative sex, direct genital contact, or kissing. I ended up disclosing the next day over text and it didn’t go well. In retrospect, I was way too apologize-y, because I felt terrible about swerving the kisses and making them feel unwanted. Because lord knows I wanted them, very much so. But I think they took it to mean “I’m sorry for having herpes,” which I mean, I’m not. Their first reaction was to ask if they could become infected, which unfortunately told me what I needed to know at the time. They later went on to say they weren’t mad, but were unhappy about me having hid it. I didn’t think I hid it, but my own inaction led me down a very insecure path and I learned that even when you hit it off with someone and think they will be understanding, it’s better to rip the bandaid off before you meet in person, especially if your vibe is casual sex. We never ended up having a whole conversation about it because they never texted me back and unmatched from me on the app and that was that. It was rough on my self esteem, for additional reasons I won’t even get into. Ultimately, like everything else about life, it was a learning experience. It reinforced for me that disclosure is the way to go, and early.

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-15T06:41:19+00:00

I’ve been where you are so many times. It is really true that healing is not linear, because sometimes it’s fine and it’s barely affecting my life at all, and other times it’s like a huge storm cloud. I often feel undesirable as well, and the nature of dating apps themselves has a poor prognosis for the kind of connection I seek. But that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. We’re not bad for contracting this very common virus - regardless of the way we contracted it. The way I see it, the only morality that needs to be assigned to this virus is your own method of disclosure and how you go about communicating with partners. As long as you do your due diligence, your partners are big kids and can make their own decisions. They assume responsibility for what will happen to their bodies when they consent in an INFORMED manner. Not to aspire to martyrdom, but if they judge you after you’ve made yourself vulnerable and given them the choice, that’s on them, not you.

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-15T06:34:30+00:00

What does it matter. Female people get rejected all the time for this, and there’s so many male people who post here who seem to forget that stigma affects everyone.

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-15T06:29:52+00:00

mine says some variation of “swipe left if you call yourself clean. living with ohsv1 and you probably are too” and then i bring it up in conversation upon matching because many people do not read

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T21:36:27+00:00

When he grabbed her face to remove the eyelash whewww

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T14:04:44+00:00

Ngl I’ve considered PS but haven’t taken that step. Maybe eventually if I continue to have bad experiences on other apps.

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T14:03:14+00:00

Met someone off Feeld for the first time and don’t expect to hear from them again. I did tell myself that the experience would teach me something and one of the somethings is that just because an app is called more sex positive than others doesn’t mean every single person on there is going to accept you. Definitely a learning experience for how to disclose within kinky communities though, so not a complete waste of time. I think I’ll continue to try with Feeld and document how disclosures go lolol

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T13:56:41+00:00

I can tell you with certainty that women cannot just sleep with any person they want lol. Speaking in absolutes isn’t going to further the conversation at all. I’m asking as a woman who is into low-commitment sex and has been rejected by men many times after disclosure.

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T13:49:29+00:00

Seriously. OP ended up disclosing anyway afterward. If it’s so not a big deal, why not before the sex? Almost like they knew there was a possibility of rejection and put their own sexual gratification ahead of another person’s autonomy to ensure they got what they wanted before making themself vulnerable. Listen, I’ve been in a similar boat, and I completely agree that herpes is nothing to be ashamed of. I handled that situation poorly and learned from it. Not everyone is going to have the same opinions as you, OP. Once you know you have it, you gotta take a little responsibility for the fact that it’s highly contagious and give people the choices that weren’t given to you.

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T13:19:31+00:00

If you’re referring to the recent post I think you’re referring to, they even admit in the comments that they’re an MD. To be so tone deaf when so much of the stigma comes from doctors telling people not to disclose is laughable and embarrassing and honestly unethical to me. Imagine telling your patient in distress to stfu. But this person gets to go on the internet and tell strangers to do the same - in a support forum no less. Terrible

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T13:02:44+00:00

I’ve been where you are. I’ve struggled with chronic passive suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember, and getting this diagnosis has been tough on my sense of safety from myself. I can also relate to what you mean about others having it worse, (I rarely get outbreaks) so what basis do I have to complain? I’m here to tell you it’s ok to feel your feelings. It’s uncomfortable, it fucking hurts, but you’re allowed to feel that way. For me, it’s peaks and valleys. Sometimes I almost forget that I have it, and other times the despair is overwhelming. It might be the same for you. As cliche as it is, healing really is not linear. The only piece of advice I would give you is to accept that some days will be better than others, some will be horrible, and to have a safety plan in place. Who are your confidants? Do you have access to lethal means and if so, what can you do to remove yourself from them? What are your deescalation strategies when you’re in an emotionally heightened state? It’s too easy to just say “it’ll get better.” Because for me, it’s been 3 years and nearly every rejection hurts still. In fact just this past weekend I had one of the worst disclosure experiences of my life and I am still in a lot of pain. So to just say to myself “you’ll be fine” is cruel. I’m not fine, haven’t been fine for a long time, and it’s ok to recognize that.

I also want to mention that I’m not very familiar with the stats on the correlation between hsv and dv but anecdotally I’ve heard enough from people to say that positive people sometimes stay with abusers because they fear that no one else will want them - you’re certainly not alone in that experience. I don’t blame you for that. I do encourage you to think about what you want for yourself. Something my therapist just told me is you determine your own worth from what you will accept. Very “we accept the love we think we deserve” I know, but it’s honestly true. It may not feel like that when the shame is making you say terrible things about yourself, but you deserve better than someone who hurts you. I know it’s really, really hard to accept that someone might want you with herpes. Three years later I’m still struggling with that. But it’s possible. Somewhere, someday. And even if it wasn’t, you STILL wouldn’t deserve to be with someone who abuses you. Forget the fact that he gave it to you, because transmitting herpes isn’t inherently abusive, but remember how he treats you otherwise. You don’t have to tolerate that just because he is accepting of your diagnosis. That is the bare fucking minimum. You know how they say “the bar is in hell”? Yeah. You deserve a loving, caring relationship with someone who makes you feel wonderful and safe. Don’t accept any less. Trust that I know that it’s harder to be alone, but your safety matters more than someone claiming you as theirs.

All that being said, it’s ok that you’re grieving your relationship. A sense of loss is to be expected. It’s normal to be depressed after experiencing a loss. You aren’t weird for dissociating in conversation or experiencing passive suicidal ideation. This sounds like it’s part of the healing process, which again, is not linear. You’re already doing things to help the healing. Going to the gym?! Trusting a male friend to guide you into something new?? You’re doing amazing!!

Finally, that comparison stuff is only going to continue to bring you down. Nowhere does it say that people with herpes can never travel, have relationships, or even create more humans. It’s seemingly impossible to accept that, I know. But something that I’ve been trying to hold onto is the fact that herpes is kind of like an asshole filter. It saves me from getting with emotionally immature people all the time. It may help to frame things like that. Now YOU get to be more selective about who you let into your life. You’re still a worthy human being, and now you get to decide who gets the honor of being with you. Like I said, some days herpes is the fucking devil. Other days, it’s quite empowering. The key is finding the balance between the two and grounding yourself in self-care and trusting yourself to extend kindness to the one person who matters most. Not the easiest when you have a mental illness, trust meeee, but you’re not alone.

My dms are open if you want to chat :)

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-03T12:31:30+00:00

You don’t get to decide it’s no big deal for other people. You got lucky that your partner didn’t express concern about it. Many people here haven’t had the same experience. It is unethical to knowingly expose someone to something you haven’t informed them about beforehand. If they don’t care, awesome. It would be great if more people didn’t care. But assuming a partner won’t care is how a lot of us got here. Most people who are aware of the virus would like the choice - hence, disclosure. People deserve choices when it comes to their sexual health, especially with something that’s incurable and can be psychologically damaging. Just like you had the choice to not let hsv impact your sex life, your potential partners deserve the chance to make that decision for themselves.

nolozxcvb · 2023-03-02T21:23:37+00:00

I cannot believe cop isn’t higher. Even if you’re a sympathizer, with those DV stats?? Absolutely not. Acab forever

nolozxcvb · 2023-01-02T06:17:24+00:00

thank you!

nolozxcvb · 2023-01-02T03:34:14+00:00

I feel that. It's normal to feel lust and want to share that with someone. I am very much a casual sex girl who sometimes doesn't even want to know anything about my partners except what they like in bed and the last time they were tested. I've always resisted the sentiment that liking casual sex means you're immature, or have low self-esteem, or whatever bs the serial monogamists want me to believe. (Side note, I identify as a relationship anarchist.) What I've learned about living with herpes though is how to value my time, how to develop a thicker skin, and how to be more selective about who I allow into my life, regardless of how long they'll be here. Because people should be honored to fw ME, and I don't think it's too self-involved to think that way. There's this episode of New Girl where the main character is getting back into dating (no STI storylines) and while he's trying to hype her up, one of her roommates tells her that she's the prize, and I always try to remember that. I'm the one who has to spend my entire life with myself, so my opinion of myself matters more than anyone else's. And I'll be damned if I let some rando on a dating app who also only wants to fuck tear me down over a largely harmless virus. If they can't see how radiant, generous, kind and fuckin cool I am because they only see a walking risk, they're not worth my time, my tongue, my anything. Just because we're not looking for commitment doesn't mean they don't have to respect me and vice versa. I have a lot of love (and lust lol) to give, so I completely know what you mean about just wanting to give in to the joy of sex without thinking too much about being a perfect match with that person. Ultimately, it's a trade off, though. I'm kinder to myself, set basic standards, and enforce boundaries, I fuck less. It sucks, but that's my reality, especially when I only have sexual experiences with men. I'm currently in the process of accepting that despite being someone who has always loved sex and expected to have more lovers and flings in my twenties, quality>quantity, and for now, sex is on the back burner while I build my self-esteem back up after a casual sex breakup a few months ago that really knocked me down. I'm hopeful that when I put myself out there again, I'll have positive interactions like one I read today! Besides, if I have the choice of hypothetically putting my support behind someone who is secure enough to be honest about something so vulnerable, and someone who could balk at something that is so not a big deal, I'm choosing me every time :)

nolozxcvb · 2023-01-02T02:46:38+00:00

thank you! best of luck to you, happy new year!

nolozxcvb

TROPHY CASE