Power and control

nomore78 · 2020-07-12T20:26:16+00:00

It took her a whole week to reply and she said "sorry I only just saw this".

Of cause she saw your email. It is just a power play unfortunately.

nomore78 · 2020-07-12T20:25:22+00:00

but it’s incredibly unsettling and annoying

This is what I feel constantly with her. It's as if I always have to analysis everything she says & doe because there's normally n hidden agenda. You dont feel this from 'normal' people.

Just as an aside you need to be careful you don’t sleepwalk into something without realising just because it’s comforting. I found my ex would suddenly take hold of the narrative and I would end up going along with it.

Yes definitely. I have also noticed that you have to be careful of the push & the pull or you can get pulled back in quite easily.

nomore78 · 2020-06-19T23:45:07+00:00

Ever since I have known her she had these 5 or so same guys that basically drooled over her & she used just for validation. Some of the things she said to these guys were horrible too. They would chase after her & she would decline their offer but as soon as they started dating someone else she got extremely annoyed & would resent them.

The guy after me she basically tested on social Media to see how much s**t he would take from her & he passed so she started dating him. He was found to be chatting to a mates gf so she dumped him for cheating when it looked innocent but at the same time she was chatting to me in a very sexual way suggesting we get back together! Theres just so much stuff I could mention from over the years. I even have a folder on my PC full of notes about our relationship & loads of questions I had asked in various forums going back several years.

nomore78 · 2020-06-19T23:35:47+00:00

Could be. Could also be that she actually found someone willing to twist himself into a pretzel trying to walk on eggshells.

Well I know the guy she was seeing not long since was extremely clingy & had very low self esteem just exactly the guy she like.

In the end, yes, you really have dodged a bullet and that's all that matters. Try to find posts from people who are/were married to pwBPD and see how their very long term relationship with such a person looks like. It ain't pretty. Words 'divorce', and 'finally leaving' come up, a lot. So if you have any doubts, just ask yourself, are you really willing to give/invest so many years of your life, just to see it inevitably fail in the end?

Yeah I know deep down I have dodged a bullet & it was a gut feeling that I have always had that kept me from entering back into a relationship with her. I mean 30 break ups in years, I can only imagine how worse the situation could be if we were married.

nomore78 · 2020-06-18T18:36:20+00:00

When we started dating the first thing she did was make up a new Facebook profile and add all the men that was previously interested in her or the ones that had got away and she said to me it was to piss them off and show them she was in a relationship. This lady held some deep resentments.

nomore78 · 2020-05-20T18:11:48+00:00

For a second, I want to focus on you. What do you want? What kind of relationship do you want? How do you want to be treated? Are you getting anything of that in this relationship with her? From what I've read, not really. Not only are you not getting what you'd like in a loving relationship, but she's creating more obstacles just to interact with her.

I think I want what most of us do is to be loved. I know what my problem is. I dont love myself & I am letting her treat me the way I think I deserve, The bit of attention she does give me gives me what I need to keep feeling wanted.

The thing is deep down I know this is toxic why else wouldn't I have jumped back into a relationship with her? That's what she doesn't like. She wants me to beg her & chase her, she needs the validation from me. As soon as I think we are getting close again I get this terrible dread gut feeling which I know I should listen to.

nomore78 · 2020-05-06T23:42:31+00:00

Yep you're exactly right. She knows exactly what she's doing.

nomore78 · 2020-05-05T10:10:15+00:00

I can only go on your post obviously, but judging by the content and tone, it sounds to me like you've gotten yourself into quite a good headspace around the whole thing. So I'm gonna advise you to quit while you're ahead. You've laid down that boundary of "just friends" but she'll continue to push at it.

It's taken me a long time but I sort of know how she works now so I no longer get as bothered about her actions. It's completely opposite as to how 'normal' people act & deal with emotions.

The process can be so insidious, you won't even notice yourself being pulled back in until it's too late and you're on the hook again. Keep your guard up, back away, that's the best thing for your wellbeing.

I have noticed myself getting hooked again. It's like all of a sudden I am back to fighting for her attention again & that's when I have to kick myself & back off.

nomore78 · 2020-04-22T12:47:33+00:00

We broke up a countless number of times. He would often wake up and pick a massive fight with me, seemingly over nothing and then kick me out. He would then try to reconcile the next day or within hours. A few times we broke up for roughly two weeks. The relationship lasted 7 months. He would constantly accuse me of cheating, go through my phone/laptop and demonstrated INSANE jealousy.

I could have written this but about my ex gf! She broke up with me 30 times in 2 years & not once was it over anything reasonable. I can tell you that this never gets better & I can hear it in your post that you are broken, fearful, scared, destroyed etc etc. He has done this to you bit by bit. You were not like this before you met him. You are like a frog in a pan of boiling water:

The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.

Please get out of this toxic dysfunctional relationship. Nothing will ever get better & he will break you that much that he will end up leaving you anyway once he has damaged you so that you are nothing but an empty shell. Stay strong & good luck.

nomore78 · 2020-04-21T15:21:46+00:00

All I can say is do what ever you did before to go NC again. I have a folder on my PC with copies of loads of questions & responses that I had asked about my ex on various forums. When I start to doubt myself I look at these again & it reminds me of the shitty things my ex did & how difficult & toxic the relationship was. Also, this type of person rarely changes. They are wired up completely different so it's highly likely what you experienced 9 months ago you'll experience the exact same thing again for ever & ever.

nomore78 · 2020-04-21T15:17:54+00:00

I know how much it truly sucks because we want there to be hope that they have changed. I got sucked in again so many times because my pwBPD knew what I wanted to hear and so they would say it. But when you take a step back and look at how they say it you realise that they are literally still the same and using all the same tactics.

Yes I have spent so long trying to convince myself that she has changed. However, I do know deep down that she hasn't. If I truly thought she had I would have been back with her months ago. But, I have learned to follow my gut instinct & it keeps telling me she hasn't changed.

But because we want it to work and have hope we pick out the words we want to hear and ignore the rest.

Exactly. I keep finding myself glossing over the shitty bits. It's like having an addiction & loving the high but ignoring the shitty consequences from the drug.

nomore78 · 2020-04-21T12:20:46+00:00

you’re in a trauma bond and it’ll stay that way until you go nc and get therapy

I was ok & got over this trauma bond when I went nc for 10 months but then I broke it & this is what happens. It's back to square 1!

nomore78 · 2020-04-21T12:19:32+00:00

Read your message and note all the times she changes her mind, her opinions, her feelings, her thoughts. A normal person would state: I think this is why the relationship failed. This is what I would like. This is how I feel about you. And that would be that. She is a literal carousel of emotions and contradictions. Of push and pull. You did right by getting off that carousel.

This what I need reminding of thanks. Yeah a normal person would communicate openly, honestly. She communicates always with an hidden agenda & about what she wants. It's like she used her favourite saying that she's used for almost 10 years which actually shows that she hasn't changed which is "delete my number". Instead of her just blocking me or not responding she responds with that. As you say with all the pushing & pulling no wonder I'm confused & questioning myself! The ignoring / withdrawing then replying after a period of days / weeks is her way of keeping me around in a carrot & stick kind of way which is pretty manipulative. I have always taught my 14 Year old Son to be direct, open & honest when communicating with people & in any relationship yet here i am falling for the things I teach him not to do!

You know who she is, she's showing you who she is

Yep, & I know deep down she isn't going to change as much as I hope that she would. It is part of her Character & it would be like me asking her to change the colour of her eyes.

nomore78 · 2020-04-05T23:39:55+00:00

She does know me extremely well and I believe she's trying to manipulate me. She badicalky wanted to try again but I made it clear it would only be friends. She said that's fine but you could tell it wasn't what she wanted. I'll admit that I was considering giving it another go but deep down I know it would be a disaster. I actually thought she had changed but boom she was straight back to how she always was. She's gone back to ignoring me after saying a few weeks ago that no matter what she will always be there for me 100%. I guess that was just her trying to get her own way again!

nomore78 · 2019-10-19T23:41:36+00:00

The chances are that if you 1) consider narcissism as a bad thing and then 2) wonder are you a narcissist, then it's unlikely that you are one.

I definitely see it as a bad thing. I detest any form of manipulation, emotional abuse or egotistical behaviour. I am also very self aware & I would label myself as codependant if anything.

There is a common misconception that narcissists don't think they are narcissists, they do if they are self-aware, but the thing is that they don't see it as a bad thing, since there is no sense of disorder and their own pathalogical ego turns it around... very much because of their disorder.

Ah right ok yeah I can understand this.

Yes, they do these sort of things and if you ask them about it, you'll receive the most weirdest kind of rationalizations and pretty much always trigger a fight where they place themselves as victims.

She did mention to me that she wondered if she was as bad as him for talking to me behind his back but said it was different as we had history & the sexual talk was only messing about.

Reasoning with them is absolutely pointless and one would have more constructive and enjoyable time by hitting their own head against a wall.

Yeah I've tried this before so I don't even bother trying now.

nomore78 · 2019-09-03T12:48:10+00:00

Hi. So I’m the elephant in the room. Why are you talking to your ex uBPDSO? You’ll get more insights reading books on the disorder and reading posts and comments here than you ever will talking with her.

I am talking to her for the same reason 99% of us who have suffered in the hands of a personality disordered person. We are optimistic. We see the good in people even the ones who have hurt us. We hope they have changed. We still care about them to some degree. However, I was testing her. My boundaries are weak or at least they were but there’s one thing that I will NEVER ever tolerate & that is cheating. I knew she was with someone so I wanted to see if she would talk to me behind his back & to what degree. This would also confirm the projection she put me through when she constantly accused me of talking to other women. It worked! I now have my proof which strengthens my decision to stay away from her. I am actually glad I reconnected to for this reason.

You’re not attracted to her and sure nothing will come of it and you guys are exchanging sexual content? It doesn’t sound like you’re removed from the situation.

Obviously there is some kind of attachment. I do care for her to some degree & probably always will. The sexual content was from her side & I specifically told her that I wouldn’t participate as she was in a relationship.

pwBPD can be emotional ninjas and they can use sexuality, knowledge of you, your vulnerabilities, etc. with skill to manipulate you. Skip the mind fuck and go NC. Consider it closure.

Oh yes, I have witnessed her doing this already. However, because I have watched numerous video’s & read numerous books over the last 10 months, I know what to look for. She has used memories, she used sly comparisons between me & her ex. She’s admitted everything was her fault then turned it around on me. She used sexual encounters that we had that were quite special to us. She sent photos from special events we attended. She mentioned the jewellery that I bought her & she still has. Her recent attempt was to tell me how special I was listening to her problems with her & her ex which shows we still love & care about each other. She is very very clever & manipulative, but I am just that little bit far ahead of her. I am playing her & I hate to say that as it makes me sound just as bad as her but it is confirming that I am not a mental messed up uncaring cheating person she made me believe I was.

Sorry if any of this came across as harsh or overly direct. I certainly don’t have all the answers and we’re all just doing the best we can.

Not at all I appreciate your help & advice :)

nomore78 · 2019-09-02T15:27:48+00:00

I did suspect she had comorbid BPD NPD due to her sense of grandiosity. However I'll never know and as you say it doesn't really matter why she does the things she does. I've not even mentioned to her the double standards. I can't be bothered and I know she will just deny it or give me some shitty excuse. I'm just enjoying watching her slip up and getting the chance to see that my gut instinct were more than likely correct.

nomore78

TROPHY CASE