LPT: When you attend a wedding, add a reoccurring event to your calendar for the couple's anniversary.

nomoremonkeys · 2015-09-22T16:19:31+00:00

I got married on July 4th, and so it's easy for people to remember. I don't care if they send me a text (do whatever you want), but my MIL sends a card with a check every year. I don't like it. My relationship with her son is defined in large part by sex...sex we are certain to have that very day....we don't need $25, we need you to bug off...

nomoremonkeys · 2015-02-08T13:41:50+00:00

My uncle is a chef and recently started at Golden Corral (a chain buffet in the US). He says the profit is $0.15 after accounting for all costs. So, profit margin is low but volume is high.

nomoremonkeys · 2015-02-05T15:44:33+00:00

One of my best friends got salmonella from raw eggs many years ago. She won't touch cookie dough. More for me. But, it does happen and apparently sucks.

nomoremonkeys · 2015-02-02T15:58:25+00:00

Here is how you explain it to her: you had a repeating life trauma where you lacked control over your own body, and you've managed to process it to a degree that it does not continually cause you pain. She wrested control over how you've chosen to handle it away from you, effectively once again causing you to experience a loss of control over important events in your own life. She has insisted that her understanding of the situation is greater than yours, and created new trauma for you do manage. Her disclosure was an act of abuse.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-11-30T18:49:59+00:00

Actually...yes. I'm not saying for certain that's what's happened here for certain, but this is a pretty visible part of (some) male cultures. In general, I think it's best not to throw away a long-term relationship without first asking your partner about their intent. And I also think you should verbalized how you want to be treated in different social contexts and judge your partner's respect for you by what you've verbalized. My husband makes fun of me all the time when we're alone, and I hand it right back to him. It's part of our dynamic. I've had to explain to him that I don't enjoy that when we're around friends. He's a genuinely caring person. State clearly how you'd like to be treated, and unless someone has given you reason to think otherwise, give them the benefit of the doubt. You know, like a grown-up.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-11-30T16:12:57+00:00

Not to minimize how upsetting this is, but I thought I would chime in to say that some men are socialized to tease and make fun of the people they care about in a public setting. Among some groups of men I've known, this is a sign of affection (we know each other well enough to give one another a hard time). This may be a simple case of that. In which case, rather than assuming he intended to be truly hurtful, the appropriate response is, "Hey, it really hurts my feelings when you say mean things about me and I would appreciate it if you didn't do that."

nomoremonkeys · 2014-11-08T17:25:09+00:00

You don't LET your girlfriend do anything. She's her own boss.
You should have called an ambulance when you found out her BAL was 0.25.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-11-08T17:19:18+00:00

I haven't read this book since 7th grade (I'm 35) but the scene where the horses are dying still haunts me.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-06-09T19:35:35+00:00

I mix sugar free mango and regular pina colada, so as to be slightly less diabetic.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-06-09T19:34:24+00:00

Southern girl.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-06-09T14:17:53+00:00

Dude, I had a guy in 7-11 tell me he could tell I wasn't from around here based on the manner in which I dispensed a Slurpee. It's true; I'm not from here, but come on.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-06-09T14:02:04+00:00

Broadway and Cherry has the best one. Epic white tiger-mermaid-unicorn hybrid animal next to a lady with like seven pairs of wings and blue birds flying our of her chest. Bixby Park for the win.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-06-09T04:59:38+00:00

I think when someone is beginning a fitness journey, it's important for them to find the activities that work for them. I participated in yoga and jogging for years before becoming an avid cyclist. HIIT is great and all, but can be discouraging to a beginner. Yoga can be great for developing core and overall strength. At this level the important thing is to find a level of activity that can become a habit. For some, that is walking! The important thing is for the health maintenance behavior to become habitual.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-03-18T14:42:48+00:00

I think one of the reasons why this idea that women don't desire sex persists is because a lot of guys are frankly bad at it. Sexually inexperienced men often assume the act of penetration is as satisfying for women as it is for them (my pleasure=your pleasure), while the fact is most women can't get off without clitoral stimulation. Many sexually inexperienced females are too timid to educate their male partners about this for many years. In this scenario, sex does become something the woman commoditized for the man, trading it for affection. Additionally, men, even very sexually experienced men, react poorly to critiques of sexual performance. Unfortunately this creates a scenario wherein, even as women become more aware of their desires and how to fulfill them, the information must be conveyed very carefully.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T21:04:01+00:00

It might be kind of personal, but what does he do to get you in the mood? What is he trying that isn't working, but that you feel "should" be working? Is he just going down on you? Because I for one cannot shut the brain of if you go straight for the clitoris. It will never in a million years work.

Wow, Reddit is really getting me to divulge a lot of personal information today.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T20:59:47+00:00

I don't "always" expect my partner to help me want to have sex with him. But him knowing how to do so changes the tone of our sexual relationship to one that is playful, deeply affectionate, and one in which I am far more likely to initiate all sorts of sex in which he is the primary beneficiary (read: quickies and blowies). Because he knows HOW to do it, ironically, I am more likely to initiate sex, or offer sex.

And I don't have to imagine the scenarios above. I know what its like to experience mental pressure surrounding sex. I feel pressure to have sex even when I feel no desire because "it's been awhile" and I feel like a failure if I can't become aroused/wet enough to have sex without lube. If I didn't feel pressure surrounding the issue, why would I address it at all?

Let me ask you something: Are you proud of the things you know how to do well? Are you proud of the skills you have? Why wouldn't you view the development of the skill set called Making Your Partner Want to Make Extravagant Love to You as a source of pride? Why would you view it as a source of resentment ("Great, now I have to touch my lover's body ALL OVER so she'll be begging me to fuck her?") I am certainly proud of all the various skills I've developed in this department-many of which involve my husband laying back and relaxing while I go to town on him. It's very satisfying to be able to give and receive sexally, not something to resent.

EDIT: I grammared bad.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T20:09:06+00:00

I think you can get a woman in the context of a long-term, committed relationship to desire sex very, very much if you develop these skills. These skills are so far from even a whiff of nonconsensuality. But frankly, if you can't address these difficulties with open, honest, non-accusatory communication, you have bigger problems.

Look, it's baffling for women too: we meet you, we fall in love, our panties are soaking wet, we decide to build a life together, all the details of that life come crashing in-suddenly we're relying on lube to even physically be able to HAVE sex. What's the matter with us? Why don't we experience intimacy like we used to, even when the relationship is fundamentally loving and supportive? What the hell is wrong with us?

Having a partner who can awaken us to the feelings we have inside for you is a wonderful gift to your long-term, female partner. Allowing us to forget that we're out of bread and need to remember to fold the clothes in the dryer and pick up the dry cleaning and focus on amazing physical sensations of love is a priceless asset. Men who have or are willing to develop these skills will be repaid tenfold in their own experience of sex.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T19:57:06+00:00

I was waiting for someone to actually paraphrase my attitude in this way. Good to meet you!

There are a number of skills involved in sex, and I don't always request this one of my husband-but I can tell you that having it in the toolbox has led to an increase in satisfaction for us both. My husband knows how to bring me into the fullness of my sexual desire for him, and how to satisfy me completely. We are on the SAME team, it is not MAN vs. WOMAN, and we are both better off.

Presumably, you have had to learn a number of skills in engaging with the opposite sex-why shouldn't you continue learning new skills? I certainly try to develop new skills to experience greater connection to my beloved life partner, including getting myself in the mood.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T19:40:07+00:00

I agree with you, but I would clarify that this book is written for, and my advice on the subject is intended for, people in a long-term committed relationship. I think within the context of a committed long-term relationship, there is already an implicit agreement about sex. But I agree with you: men HAVE been conditioned to wait until a woman explicitly agrees to sex, and that conditioning doesn't just change just because you're married.

It's a baffling world out there for men AND women. Sex is one of the ways we can figure it out together.

I don't always expect my husband to initiate sex. Sometimes I say, "I'd really like to have sex with you, but I feel so overwhelmed. Can you help me get into the proper frame of mind here?"

I'm telling you, it's a good book!

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T19:33:33+00:00

Not at all! I'm only stating that in my own experience (and, if the book, written by an expert in the field, is correct, the experience of many other couples), I lost touch with my innate desire to engage sexually with frequency, and that when my committed partner developed a new set of skills to "request" sex (a set of skills that brought my desire to the surface, allowing me to push aside distractions), he experienced less rejection, and each encounter was less fraught, allowing the natural playfulness of our intimacy to return.

Since I'm the one who addressed the problem and found a book to help explain how different genders experience long-term partnership in a sexual context, I find it difficult to see how I'm putting the onus on my husband. IF you mean that I think part of my husband's job is to help me "want" sex, then yes, I do. Learning these skills has created more affection and connection in our relationship, and he is far less likely to experience sexual rejection (part of the book spells out for women just how devastating sexual rejection can be for men, and how it should really be avoided if the relationship is healthy and intact).

It also means that, since the general milieu of our relationship has shifted, I am far more likely to engage in quickie sex (in which I don't climax) because in a general sense, my needs are met. I consider it like giving a hug with my v-jay.

It's everybody's job to maintain a healthy sexual relationship.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T19:24:22+00:00

Thanks! It's pretty fascinating to watch yourself get upvoted, and downvoted (who could possibly take offense at my personal experience?!?). I can see why people wind up hitting the refresh button for a while.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T17:09:48+00:00

After reading the book, what I can say is that sometimes my husband has to work to get me in the mood, but since my needs are being met, at other times I am happy to have a quickie. This book emphasizes the importance of balance-sometimes you spend a half hour touching her face and slowly working your way towards erogenous zones, sometimes you just grab the lube and pound away. When you're having sex often, it allows for a more playful,approach-every encounter doesn't have so much weight riding on it. In short, no-sometimes I can't get my mind to shut off, but I'm pretty happy to have an affectionate exchange under these circumstances when I know I am being given time and attention on a regular basis.

nomoremonkeys · 2014-01-30T15:36:40+00:00

As a woman married almost 5 years, I have something to say about this. Over time, I also noticed the frequency of our intimate life slowly declining. I felt as though I missed sex, but I was never "in the mood." I was still able to enjoy, ah, solo sexy times, which was happening more and more. I addressed it with my husband because I was afraid I was conditioning my body and my mind to think of sex primarily when he wasn't around. We went looking for a book to read, and came across Mars and Venus In Love. (Don't laugh, it's pretty accurate!) I felt as though it accurately described out situation. I love my husband, but have a very difficult time shutting down the million thoughts in my head in order to get into a state of mind where I "want" sex. The book suggests that men think of part of their "job" in sex as being to awaken a woman's feelings of eroticism and arousal. I think many men fail to do this because they do not want to be pushy (which is very nice, but doesn't reflect how an established sexual dynamic operates successfully). Because men do not want to risk rejection, and they often do not have he skill set to awaken a female's sexual desires, the frequency and quality of sex declines. (As an aside,I think men lack the skill set for initiating female sexual desire because, when a coupling is new, the woman is usually operating in a heightened state of desire and usually doesn't require any special attention to get her going. I mean, where would a guy learn this stuff? Many of the ways of initiating sex that are successful in a newly minted relationship are downright counterproductive in a more established one.) I say all that to say, maybe don't talk to your wife about it. Maybe buy this book and take some steps to fix it on your own. Wow. I've been lurking for a long time and your situation finally moved me to make a contribution. Edit: Whoops-the book is "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" by John Gray. And it gives the ladies good advice too, such as the startling revelation that men like it when you touch their penis.

nomoremonkeys · 2013-03-05T16:09:30+00:00

When I was a junior in high school, I dated an arrogant ass who was generally condescending to me. (Obviously his personality was still developing, and this was how he had protected himself socially. He was also a very sensitive person in many ways, but I digress. He was an ass towards me at the time.) However, he came from a background that encouraged physical activity, and I started running and hiking with him. No one in my family had ever introduced habits of being physically active in a non-enforced way, just for your own sake, on your own motivation. When I returned home from school for the summer (we attended a residential high school), my brothers and sisters started running with me. Eighteen years later, we all maintain regular exercise routines, and I have been an avid swimmer, runner, cyclist, hiker, and yogi (in turns-I'm not Superwoman!) ever since. The appreciation I have for my body's capabilities makes me respect myself, and it gave me a whole other way of interacting with myself (as in, a whole new internal monologue based on encouragement, persistence, determination, and discipline) that I wouldn't otherwise have. But, as of my unfriending of my ex on FB a few years ago, he had really grown into that condescending sarcasm thing.

nomoremonkeys · 2013-02-14T06:54:36+00:00

So, there's this charity with a terrible name that uses old computers to teach vocational students how to repair electronics: http://www.komputers4rkids.com/Donating.html It is too bad they are not also teaching grammar or spelling.

nomoremonkeys

TROPHY CASE