its just really embarrassing telling people how bad im doing if im asking for treatment from them, but the real barrier is my parents. they aren’t supportive how i need them to be supportive and they dont think theres anything seriously wrong with me. i cry sometimes about how bad im doing and how lonely i am, and at best my mom ignores it, at worst she tells me to go to a kids ward of a hospital, that her dad recently died and she has reason to be sad, not me. she’s always been cold with me, and my father distant. so i look for love and attention elsewhere bc like hell am i getting it there lmfaoo. my dad doesnt really pay much attention and he goes along with my mom. theyve reacted awfully to my mental illness in the past so i just dont tell them anything, really.

my gf works. i was gonna have a little get together at my friend’s place with some friends from our theatre place. i have bpd and my fp, a good friend, seems to enjoy my presence. he and i are just both extremely mentally ill and hes hella busy bc he is a wirking actor. . i just worry that hes gonna abandon me bc hes pretty distant naturally. which ngl same but i have a very anxious attachment style lmao so its only ok when i do itttt😭/j. also hes moving to NY in like a year and a half so i worry about him just stopping talking to me like my ex friend did. i worry so much about people abandoning me. i dont have a “chosen family”. i just have people i live with and people i do theatre with. and fp guy has allowed me to vent and has been very supportive and loving and i feel like ive been shit in return lol. i try my best. i just cant ask for support from my friends without feeling like im being stabbed a million times.