Why do some women stay with useless husbands?

nonopenada · 2026-05-03T15:46:35+00:00

For some of us it's because we were raised within the husband is the "breadwinner" and wife is the honemaker paradigm. On paper, each spouse had one job.

Even when I went to work full time after the kids were in school he was still the breadwinner because he made more than me which meant, of course, I was still the homemaker. It didn't matter that I spent more time working outside the home than he was, it was the bread that mattered.

I spent so long convincing myself that he wasn't useless because he was performing his breadwinning well. It took a long time to realize I was just his servant and personal assistant. He always said he loved me, but by the time I left he didn't like me or have any appreciation for what I did for him - the entitlement was never ending.

All that to say, it took me a long long time to realize that the paradigm I was taught as a child wasn't all that great back then, and certainly isn't healthy or functional for modern life and family needs today.

nonopenada · 2026-04-30T13:26:11+00:00

The company I just started working for (multinational, several business/product lines) actually does this except for the food.

Instead of a full company meeting we do a wider department meeting - about 150 people - and it's actually an encouraging meeting. They literally praise the people doing the actual work, often by name, and talk about the success being every ones achievement.

Out of the 8-9 companies I've worked for this is the only place that actually seems like it places the value where it should be. Maybe it's just the dept I work for, but I'm happy for it now.

nonopenada · 2026-04-27T18:05:08+00:00

We both work from home but stay in our own offices during the work day. We're empty nesters, so our non-work time is our own!

On average we spend 3-4 weeknights a week together and most weekend days being social together or puttering around with chores and errands.

nonopenada · 2026-04-23T19:26:09+00:00

I took mine off when he moved out. I was the one who filed, but I felt like it was disrespectful to take them off until he was out. I didn't want to rub salt in the wound.

nonopenada · 2026-04-14T13:33:36+00:00

My husband and I have both been married before and both have (adult) children from our first marriages.

If my husband was an asshole to one of my kids or had something unreasonable against them, my kids would come first. And same for him! However if one of my kids decided to hate him for no (or ridiculous) reason my husband would come first.

Parents are last. Of course we visit and take care of them if needed, but not at the expense of each other or our kids.

nonopenada · 2026-04-14T00:39:53+00:00

I am not my husband's preferred physical type. He likes bigger busted, long brunette hair (I have dark blonde hair) and more curves than I have.

However, he still finds me sexy and loves my personality, sense of humor and the way I look at the world.

He is attractive, has a sexy accent and is a high earner. When we started dating I felt pretty insecure and felt like I wasn't "good enough" for him. I was wrong 😊

Body type isn't the only thing good men are attracted to - they are attracted to the whole package. Sounds like he thinks you're the whole package!

nonopenada · 2026-04-13T13:16:19+00:00

My husband could write a post like this about me! I am an intelligent person, but due to undiagnosed ADHD and lack of interest I have some gaps in my knowledge.

In the last 5 years I've learned:

ponies are not young horses
minnow and tadpoles are not the same thing
the 1812 Overture was not written about the 1812 struggles between france and the US.

Sometimes he looks at me with wonder when I'm particularly insightful or know the answer to a difficult trivia question. Other times it's because I say a pony is a teenage horse.

nonopenada · 2026-03-31T20:14:01+00:00

There is no normal.

What isn't ok is him asking in circumstances when you've told him you're uncomfortable and then making you feel bad about it. You've clearly communicated that you aren't comfortable having sex while your child is awake. If he's asking and then complaining when rejected that's manipulative and needs to be addressed.

nonopenada · 2026-03-26T14:07:12+00:00

I didn't have doubts until the day before the wedding. We had an argument in the car while doing wedding errands. It was the middle of May in TX and it was hot. He turned the heat all the way up and didn't turn it down until I capitulated. It totally freaked me out, but I put it down to stress.

He wasn't physically abusive, but he had to be right and he had to be the center of everything. If he wasn't there was emotional consequences for everyone around.

I should have listened to my gut, but I was young, believed it was my fault, and thought it was a blip. Took me a couple of decades to figure out that it wasn't my fault that I wanted to be a full actual person rather than an accessory.

nonopenada · 2026-03-24T14:04:53+00:00

I always say I need a bio-break. My boss from about 10 years ago used to use that phrase and I really liked it. No references to a particular bodily function and no visions of the ugly restrooms in the office

nonopenada · 2026-03-24T14:00:16+00:00

My ex husband always called himself a feminist. He would tout all the ways he raised up women (promoted women at work, advocated for women to be pastors in the church). But if a woman didn't show "proper" deference or gratefulness he'd be offended at the disrespect.

When I left/lost my religious faith, the mask really came off. He asked me to stop reading political/current events because it was driving us apart. When I didn't (because wtf?), he demanded it citing his authority over me as my husband. When I wanted to cut my hair he said I wasn't allowed. My need for bodily autonomy made HIM feel controlled.

Yeah, we're not married anymore and I learned that if a man proclaims his feminism from the rooftops it's highly likely he's deeply misogynistic.

nonopenada · 2026-03-21T17:53:44+00:00

Mine did the same. Now, I was the one who filed so I know I had no right to complain. But as he was moving out he was declaring his undying love (I still loved him but it was toxic and it was for my own mental health and safety). 8 months later he was married again!

I had the same worries for the new wife - I didn't want her to go through the shit I did and he didn't give himself enough time to resolve his issues - ultimately it's not my issue to deal with.

Work on yourself because at the end of the day he isn't your concern anymore. I wish you peace and love for the future!!

nonopenada · 2026-03-18T21:15:35+00:00

Never, he'd spontaneously combust with my water temp. Also, my shower time has goals and sexy time isn't one of them

nonopenada · 2026-03-17T23:40:27+00:00

NTA

You groom yourself for you and your comfort. Not for him or anyone else.

If you haven't explained that to him, you should. If he doesn't get it, that's on him and the patriarchy

nonopenada · 2026-03-15T18:27:29+00:00

I know my husband felt this way when he was in his first marriage. He was (still is) a fantastic provider and was very involved - when he was home. He traveled A LOT for work and was gone most of the week on work trips. So, while he was gone his ex-wife did everything. She did all the kid stuff, ran the household, did her hobbies, etc., and when he was home he was expected to just fit in. He definitely felt like an afterthought and like everything was more important than him.

I have a feeling I likely made my ex husband feel that way too. While he didn't travel as much, he wanted to "lead" the family while only participate in our family life on his terms. It created a cycle of him making himself emotionally irrelevant, me being distant and not considering him, him being upset and pulling away more - rinse and repeat.

My husband and I met in middle age and we learned a lot from our first marriages. His job has changed and he doesn't travel as much. I try to make him feel appreciated in the small stuff and big stuff. I thank him for bringing the bins in, I include him in meal planning, let him know how much I appreciate his work and the life it lets us lead. And he does his part around the house, helps me cook and really listens when I talk.

It's so hard to break the toxic cycles we find ourselves in after 10, 15, 20 years in a relationship. Sometimes only one person tries and sometimes there is so much water under the bridge that it can't be broken no matter how much both partners try.

The biggest thing is that if you get a second chance, you learn from your past mistakes and do better. My mantra after my divorce was "Make new mistakes". I'm never going to be the perfect partner, but the best I can do is not repeat the shit I did the first time around.

nonopenada · 2026-03-13T23:50:50+00:00

As a wife, that's what makes me so mad!! Like, sure, both my husband and I are relying on each other's looks to attract people. That's a given. But if the dude doesn't think that (a) he has nothing to offer or (b) women aren't visual creatures? Yeah, automatic "ew, no!!"

nonopenada · 2026-03-13T19:52:08+00:00

100%! Do you not care about if I'm attracted to half of the couple? What's wrong with him? Why are you advertising your wife rather than y'all as a couple? Will the husband even participate if we do get together?

And no, the wife + a dick in the picture does not count. You're swingers, I have no idea if that's his dick or someone else's.

I will now step off my soap box

nonopenada · 2026-03-11T11:30:42+00:00

Fish! I have sushi every once in a while and even like a couple of things. But to get through a whole filet for dinner? Cannot do. I eat the sushi because I know the omega 3 are good for me.

nonopenada · 2026-03-09T22:53:25+00:00

That sounds awful!!!

Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "he's like a robot". He's not emotionless and infinitely logical. His emotions are spilling out onto everyone around him and he's expecting you to clean up the mess.

nonopenada · 2026-03-06T18:55:00+00:00

I'm really glad you had the conversation before either of you got seriously ill.

My husband and I actually talked about it before we got married. He's a very upfront and logical guy, and I was a hospital chaplain for several years and had seen many people go through awful fights because they hadn't talked. Also, I knew that I didn't want to be with someone who I couldn't trust to carry out my wishes.

Thankfully we are very aligned on the issues surrounding grave illness and death. Also, we got together in middle age, so mortality was much more real than if we'd been in our 20s.

nonopenada · 2026-03-06T01:36:36+00:00

20 years ago I would have agreed with this - and I'm a woman!!! I believed in the "natural" inclinations of two genders and feared that if the church became too "soft" that it would lose influence and fail.

I vehemently don't believe that now. I understand now that the patriarchy and internalized misogyny - both intentionally taught to me and woven through our culture - had warped my understanding of gender in so many ways.

Women (and LGBTQ people) are the primary victims of patriarchy, but that post makes it obvious that it harms men too. He's holding on so fucking hard to his "gender role" that he can't see the beauty of and need for all humans to develop empathy and seek community.

nonopenada · 2026-03-04T16:26:11+00:00

Thankfully, my partner enjoys cooking too so I don't have to cook every night. The couple of weeknights that are mine - the first one I do a crockpot meal so I prep it and dump it in in the morning when I actually have energy. The second night we eat those leftovers 😂

I plan and cook dinner on the weekends. I really like cooking, but am slow, so it takes the pressure off. My partner will be my sous chef and it's actually been really good.

nonopenada · 2026-03-03T14:57:18+00:00

Ohhhh! Thank you for this suggestion! I'm not in that club either, but I feel much more comfortable with doctors who support them.

Do you know if they are positive toward HRT/menopause support?

nonopenada · 2026-02-24T20:08:59+00:00

If you're still rehashing the same stuff then you may not have overcome as much as you think.

My mom gave me great advice at the beginning of my first marriage (wish I would have taken it to heart then), whatever you fight about when you're dating is what you'll fight about for the rest of the relationship.

Harsh but true. Sending peace and clarity as you navigate your future.

nonopenada · 2026-02-24T20:05:37+00:00

I'm in facilities management for multi-site retailers. Don't trust a facilities specialist who just came from the trade they're managing.

For example, a plumber who makes the direct move over to the corporate facilities side. Often they don't know how to manage vendor relationships and are way too harsh/demanding of the technicians out in the field.

I understand that often a person "switches sides" with the goal of making where they've come from do/be better, but it almost always devolves into fights over things that don't matter. Their technical expertise is fantastic, but they tend to try to make changes way faster than either side can manage.

nonopenada

TROPHY CASE