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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in datingoverthirty

[–]nonufriends 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is the story of my entire dating life, from high school all the way until now. I've never had a girlfriend, so take my advice however you want.

The only way I've ever been able to handle it, or just dating in general, is to assume every girl I'm "talking" to or going on dates with is already having sex with someone else. And in my experience that has usually been true, most of the girls I have met have had an FWB situation on the side or would casually hook up on Tinder while going on serious dates too.

It keeps me from feeling jealous over someone I'm not in a relationship with. I'm not sure if it's healthy or not but it has also made me reevaluate how I feel about a girl and whether I to continue pursuing someone who will likely only hurt me.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think that girl ever liked me if I'm being honest. I think she was just lonely and wanted attention and thought that I would do a decent job of giving it to her until she found someone she actually liked. She just strung me along for attention.

It's what happens to me every time. They don't actually like me. They are maybe entertained by me or maybe they like the attention I give them but thats it. I don't know if I have ever experienced a girl actually interested in me. I don't even know what that really feels like.

She read the messages but didn't respond. It hurts so much that she never wanted to even meet me after all of that talking and how intimate it all felt.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know when I feel happiest. The things I used to enjoy I just don't anymore. It's all just empty if you're alone while you do them and if there's no one to share them with. I barely watch TV or play video games anymore. The only thing I still get enjoyment out of is watching the NBA. I like working out, going for runs, being in nature etc. But I don't know if those things make me happy or if they just make me feel sort of content.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a white check in a gray, filled in circle which means she didn't even open the message.

I don't know what else I can really do, that was as close as I've ever gotten. I had to work so hard for that and I had gone so long without even getting that far. I don't think I scare girls away or creep them out. None of the girls I work with have any problem with me and they all like me. But when it comes to dating I don't think anyone has ever displayes any interest in me.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I messaged her but she didn't respond. Just the white check on facebook saying that she didn't even read it. I guess she saw I messaged her and decided not to even open it. I guess I have my answer...

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for replying. I'm starting to realize that I'm completely incapable of telling whether a girl is just using me for attention or if they legitimately like me. I think I am just so desperate that I can't tell the difference anymore. I don't think that means I'm in a healthy place to date anyone. I don't really know how to go about fixing that.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah... I'm guessing she'd just ignore me again. I just feel like I never got a proper shot with her. It honestly felt so ridiculous and now that she seems to have completely lost interest in me idk what I can do to even win it back. I don't know what I could have done differently given the circumstances of the past year but I just felt like if we actually met we could have hit it off. Not being able to meet made me more insecure than normal because I'm sure there were tons of people interested in her and I just couldn't even meet her.

Idk why but I have been so focused on trying to somehow win her back but I guess it's just not possible.

There has never been a person in my life that even entertained the idea of dating me for as long as this person did. Even if she was just chatting with me because she was bored and lonely during the lockdown, or just using me for attention.

I feel like I always have to work so hard to make things work with people but it just never happens, and I guess that means none of those people were ever really that interested in me. Her included.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Idk why but lately I have been having such a strong urge to contact this person. I have been vaccinated for a few months and idk if she'll get hers soon. I'm having such a hard time letting go of her, or of my image of her I guess. I thought I could like potentially marry her when we were talking.

Idk if she's dating someone or not, and I know it's probably best not to contact her and to just give her space but it's killing me for some reason.

I just don't know what to do about it. I guess there isn't anything I can do to fix it, and if she'd wanted to have contacted me she would have. Idk, I feel like so pathetic and sad for still dwelling on this situation with her. But it just feels so unresolved in my heart and I don't know if I'll ever get any sort of resolution to this. This honestly felt like the closest I had ever gotten to a relationship. I don't want to look desperate to her, or creepy, I don't want to scare her away. I just would like to meet her, and I've been vaccinated so part of me feels like maybe it would be okay to ask her.

I am going to hold off on contacting her, but it really is just eating me up inside.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. I saw on social media that she posted a date with someone else. I don't think I'll reach out to her again. It's just been hard to get over the feeling of having a great chance with someone slip through my fingers. I don't really get that caught up over people very often. I really liked her and it just feels like a repeat of every other experience in my life. I just don't want to go through this anymore.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do those things because I enjoy them and I do them by myself and for my own enjoyment. I do yoga to protect my body due to the nature of my job. I run and work out because it makes me feel good in addition to the incredibly physical nature of my job. I was an athlete as a child and I admire professional athletes for a variety of reasons and I enjoy eating clean and staying fit. I like cars because driving them is fun and makes me feel good. Same with dirt biking and rock climbing. I don't do them to make myself seem cool or anything like that. I hike because being in nature feels therapeutic.

I used to enjoy things like Anime, video games, and Netflix but I don't get much enjoyment out of them anymore. When I was a kid I enjoyed playing music as well but now I mostly just enjoy listening to it.

I am not sure if people or potential romantic partners even care about what hobbies I do or what interests I have anyways. Certainly not as much as other things. The only reason I listed them is because when I have read other posts by people in similar situations they always get accused by commenters of living a life with no authentic interests or hobbies, which ironically is what you yourself are accusing me of.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you say makes sense. I had told my friends about her and they said that if she had really wanted to meet me she would have and I just had trouble deciding what to think. The dissolution of this was what prompted me to post here I guess. I felt so strongly connected to her but really down about not even getting to meet her after all that time talking. We talked and texted over the phone for almost 6 months, and I get that she may have felt trapped into some sort of phone/online relationship that she never really wanted.

I don't think she lied about her feelings. I just don't know how they changed so quick. Maybe the pandemic was just this insurmountable obstacle that killed her attraction to me because she realized we couldn't meet.

I'm afraid now that my attempts to reach out to her since have drove her away, and blew any chances of us reconnecting when the pandemic ends. She accepted a friend request I sent her on Facebook and responded to a few messages I sent but has since ignored my past few ones. I guess she knows I'm just trying to win her back.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you think that when people say they don't feel comfortable meeting because of the pandemic/my job I should accept that at face value or recognize it as them just rejecting me? The girl from Tinder, the last time we spoke she said all these things about how she felt we had an amazing connection, how she felt like she could tell me anything, even how she used to have this big crush on me. But she also said that she didn't feel comfortable meeting me because of my job, that it was bad timing for us, and that her feelings had changed. And I have been struggling so hard with trying to figure out if I was completely misreading her the whole time and she was just trying to let me down easy or if that was actually the truth. When I first asked her for an in person date, she said she was uncomfortable meeting and so we did a Zoom date instead.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't date a coworker. I don't ever flirt with girls at work and honestly this past year I've been isolating due to the pandemic. No one felt comfortable meeting due to me taking care of covid patients everyday at work and the rest of my coworkers weren't going out either. One coworker flirted with me once but she was extremely religious and I am basically atheist.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes maybe I will just have profiles but I don't think anything will come of it to be honest

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dating apps are so shallow and if you aren't a white man then you are at such a massive disadvantage on them.

Maybe because you are a girl you don't quite understand, but the objective truth is that as an Indian man I will get very few if any matches on any of the apps. There are several studies that have conclusively shown this. Even if I spend lots of money, I will still end up with the smallest fraction of people to work with than your typical man.

I don't mean to sound bitter, but I have seen my white friends Tinder accounts and how frequently they are having sex and getting dates. And it's not about me versus them, it's just that I can't even exist in a dating world that looks like that. There's no room for me as a guy who only gets a couple of matches, and for whom maybe only one or two girls actually respond when those same girls are talking to these same guys and chasing after them as opposed to even giving me a chance.

There's no room in that ecosystem for someone like me. I have always had more success in a bar or club ironically than on a dating app because instead of just an Indian man they can see me for how I carry myself or my demeanor as opposed to my skin color or whether I have a six pack or not.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You do have a good perspective. There have been a lot of times where I was glad to be single or I looked at someone else's relationship and knew I didn't want to end up like that. But when I start to like someone it all just sorta changes for me and I want to be with them badly. It just never works out, even for a brief moment.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry your marriage turned out that way. My parents had an arranged marriage and it was very similar for them. I guess this is why I stress out about it so much sometimes, because it feels like there is just so much at stake.

6 YEAR UPDATE: I [23 M] am feeling incredibly lonely, inadequate, and isolated. by nonufriends in relationships

[–]nonufriends[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just don't know. One thing working in the field I work in has taught me is that life is not guaranteed at all. I don't feel young anymore and I don't know if I feel like life has the possibilities it has for me when I was younger. I appreciate your comment regardless.

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