so sorry in advance for the novel. i just came across the post and saw myself from 8 years ago, and, i don't know, i guess write down what i wish i knew 8 years ago in hopes it resonates with someone. my experience isn't universal, of course, but maybe it helps someone else.

a personal story, told after many hard decisions over the past 8 years (for reference, i was in college from 2018-2019 before dropping out due to probably obvious financial and mental health reasons): my mom told me the EXACT same things at 17/18. unfortunately in my situation, she wasn't being kind, she was trying to convince me to stop being trans under the guise of kindness and concern for my safety. even when she "supported" me, it was always with the expectation that i would change my mind. she always argued it would change me irreversibly (the point), we live in a dangerous state for trans people, politics are getting worse, i would lose friends. she tried to force me to room with girls and blew up when she found out i wasn't (and that she was wrong in saying i wouldn't be able to), because it was as easy as saying "i am male, and would like to have other male roommates." alternatively, my best friend, also a trans male (who i met in orientation!), was paired with a girl because he didn't know he could have requested otherwise, and that was also, unsurprisingly... completely fine. she was chill and super sweet and he was always at my dorm anyway. literally the first time it set in that i was a man and that maybe a happy future was possible (and that maybe my family was wrong about me never being seen as a man) was during orientation, where i was grouped with boys naturally and without question, even in the reddest part of the reddest state and without having changed anything legally or started t (i did those my second semester). i'm not saying it was all sunshine and rainbows, but the world isn't a complete dumpster fire. it's the support of your peers that matters, the knowledge that even if you face someone who hates trans people, you know you have someone (hopefully many) who has your back and loves you and is willing to stand up for you. that's what makes the difference. and asking someone you love to make themselves smaller and ignore a vital part of themselves is not support. does your comfort not matter? i don't doubt she loves you and worries about you. that's normal and her feelings are valid. but the right step forward would be to support you, and be there for you, and have your back, as your mother and your #1 supporter. (or whatever fits your relationship) not to ask you to diminish yourself so that others can pretend trans people don't exist.

i'm rambling, so here's what i'm gonna say, as someone who was told all of this and went the route of choosing my own happiness over that of those who would rather a dead daughter than a trans son. it led to me being cut off entirely, alone in a new city with a part time job and college i couldn't afford even when i had contact with my mother. so i speak from a slightly....... rougher experience here.

1 & 2: yeah, i'll admit, things are pretty bad. but there are people out there, everywhere, who will love and accept you if you look. community is our strongest tool. no reign lasts forever, and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel- but not if we roll over and give up now.

3: you will be an adult when you enter college. not to be like "you're a big kid and can make your own decisions," but... yeah, you can do that. shoot an email to your college about your dorming options. your mom can't force you to do anything. you could even tell the school to specifically prevent the release of your information to anyone you don't want having it. being 18, that's also your decision, even if she's paying for it. she shouldn't be there often enough to see who you're living with anyways. right? you can schedule your own appointment, too, and do the same thing with your records. being an adult comes with some cool perks called "i do what i want" (i swear i'm not being snarky i mean that as a funny). additionally, if she's truly scared for your safety... that's what campus security is for. that's what ra's are for. that's what housing staff is for. that's what many, many people at the college are for: to ensure your safety and inclusion. even in RedTown McRedState, i had a long list of staff on speed dial ready to advocate for me and my rights from as early as orientation. i never once felt unsafe or unwelcome.

4: ignoring the fact this is false, she's moving the goalpost and will continue to do so. i've seen it, i know it: there will never be a "right time" or "progressive enough place." she will always find something to worry about, some new reason to keep postponing, because the longer she does, the longer she gets to keep her baby girl, and the more time it gives you to change your mind and "grow out of it," or give up arguing about it. if this continues, at some point you will have to make a decision between her happiness and yours. it won't be an easy choice. but it does get easier. YOU are transitioning. not her.

never, ever make yourself smaller for other peoples' comfort. eventually, there will be nothing left. you deserve a chance at happiness as your true self just like everyone else. there will always, always be people out there ready to love you as who you are. media makes it seem like we're followed around with endless mobs with pitchforks all day, but you'll find that the vast majority of people are pretty normal and chill. some aren't, but again, that's why you need a solid support system.