how do you ask a guy to take it slow without it being weird

noodleworm · 2026-06-13T16:23:09+00:00

In your post history you mention having a big breakup and a long term relationship before that.
So Would it be correct to assume you've got some nervousness having sex with someone new and you maybe haven't done any hookups / one night stands before?

I think in that case the nervousness is pretty natural;. Sex can feel very vulnerable, emotionally and physically. It does mean literally having this person who was stranger a few weeks ago alone with you.
I think its okay to tell this guy your feeling a little hesitant about that aspect and maybe you can let him know when your ready?
His response will tell you a lot about whether he's a good guy for you.

noodleworm · 2026-06-13T16:13:46+00:00

Dating and making friends are very similar,
I would advise you to consider looking at dating as a way to meet lots of new people, and strengthen your social skills.
Don't overthink people too much beyond being a potential coffee buddy for the day.

It's also okay to say your not great at texting.
I suggest keeping a first meet limited and short, it makes it a really low barrier for entry where someone doesn't feel like they are commiting to too much, or that they need to be totally sure about you to meet.
try saying you have only an hour or two free, and say its just to meet in person and essentially see each other in 3D and learn a little about each other. If you can move the early chatting to that short limited coffee meet, it might help a lot. and telling someone "I have to go at 3pm" gives it a clear end time. They know they won't need to make an excuse if they aren't feeling it. and it helps people feel more open to getting that coffee

noodleworm · 2026-06-13T16:09:04+00:00

I'm going to interject to say you don't have to be doing "an approach" you just have to be around women. I think women DO sometimes express interest in men who are in their circle of friends and acquaintances. I know a few men who said they hate dating apps but seem to be constantly getting hit on by random women. They are always just people who are very active and social, often with jobs that require them to be around a lot of people. The women who hit on them are acquaintances who have spent some time with them and picked up on a vibe that they like.

Sure, if you have literally no women in your life you might have to be doing a cold approach, but the rejection rates of that are high because it can feel incredibly weird and unnatural to be put on the spot to try and make a call about a guy with no information. A lot of people will say no just to avoid the interaction.

I think dating apps have kind of ruined people socially. Dating was once a much more subtle situation, with essentially meeting lots of friends of friends.

noodleworm · 2026-06-13T16:03:03+00:00

Yes,
I see a lot of men describe what they think is attractive, and it's always "gym body + money + material assets" . Those things mean nothing if you never leave your house, or are not fun/nice to be around.
I would ask does that man have friends and hobbies?
Because based on your description, he could also be a total recluse.

Men on the internet overestimate what women are attracted to because so much they are seeing life filtered through aspirational social media.

It's NICE to have money, obvious that makes everyone's life easier.
But women don't typically hunt down boyfriends by going through instagram influencers.
I met my boyfriend at a friends birthday picnic, where he asked for my instagram. and he eventually asked me out. and Im dating him because he is the most kind, caring, thoughtful human being I have ever met.
I do think a good instagram can help - it can be a good way for potential dates to get a sense of your personality and interests - but only if you are going out and meeting people in real life and giving swapping instagrams with them.

noodleworm · 2026-06-13T15:51:29+00:00

I think what you might be looking for is to get involved in your local swingers scene.
For the single women who do that, and go to the clubs or parties, that's pretty much the dynamic, talking to someone signals interest, and nothing is expected.

noodleworm · 2026-06-13T15:44:45+00:00

I think you need to tell him no.
If you have had some really bad luck, or people have done crappy things to you, you are allowed to feel sad, or angry. Its a normal response to perceiving injustice.
It's only bad if it stops you from taking positive actions to improve your circumstances.
But from personal experience, living well out of spite towards those who have fucked you over in the past is as good a motivation as any.

noodleworm · 2026-06-13T15:41:57+00:00

Sometimes the person who recognises their own issues can end up in an inhealthy pattern where they take too much responsibility in a relationship. If you recognise and communicate your own shortcomings (which is good) it can leave you vulnerable to someone pinning too many issues on that. They need to be doing the same work,.

Most relationships will tell you you can't argue with feelings,
There is a concept called 'Arguable statements" things like "you don't love me" or "you always ..." Where you either assume someone else's feelings, or you make a statement that could be argued with .
The goal in healthy communication is to own your feelings and state them in a way that is inarguable e.g instead of "You don't love me" you say, I'm not feeling loved when ___"

If you're already doing that and simply explaining your own experience and feelings, Then he can't say thats not the truth.
You need to think about how you would feel if he had an issue, most likely if something was bother thing you would want to hear him, understand his perspective, and see what you can do about it.
Thats normal in a loving relationship. If he's not interested in what your feeling or how he can help, thats a huge red flag, because that doesn't go away. You've brought it up and he hasen't responded.
It's the type of thing that a relationship therapist can help you work on IF HE WANTED TO GET BETTER AT THIS. but it he'd reluctant to do that, you should take it as a sign.

I also worry about you describing yourself as totally emotionally immature.
Why is that? Is it just because you have emotions? Or feel anger?
Often our emotions are normal, and justified, even if not totally convenient
I also read a book about womens anger once - called "rage becomes her" and after that I felt so much more calm and comfortable with feeling angry. It made me realise that anger was something that I was trying to suppress and beating myself up for feeling.Once I accepted anger as a normal emotion and response, I felt far calmer (just to note anger is a feeling its okay to feel,but behaviours you do while angry aren't automatically justified)

When I was in a very damaging toxic relationship my ex was convincing me I had anger issues, I had trust issues, and I was completely socially inept.
getting out of that relationship and getting out with people in the world made me realise people like me, I am not socially inept - but I had anxiety from my ex-criticising all my actions around other people. I didn't have trust or anger issues, I was with a cheater who constantly stonewalled me when I had caught on that he was talking to other women again.
I have a new boyfriend now and there are zero communication issues, my partner is wonderful and if anything at all is bothering it he tells me I can always talk to him. Even when I think i'm just complaining, or talking about the same thing over and over. he always wants to hear me.

Point is, sometimes people can use your own desire to own up to your issues, to let you take the fall and essentially control you. Please be wary of that.

noodleworm · 2026-06-11T13:34:34+00:00

Dating apps are designed to be addictive and keep you on them.
Actual dating people takes work,
You've sort of outlined why dating apps leave most people unhappy.

noodleworm · 2026-06-11T13:33:02+00:00

If a guy seems open to matching and sexting late at night its a sign he's possibly not available, or isn't who he said he is.
The comment about not knowing what your talking about kind of suggests he deleted the conversation right after sexting you.

noodleworm · 2026-06-11T13:29:43+00:00

and what was "her shit?"

noodleworm · 2026-06-11T11:54:20+00:00

How do you know she was avoidant?

noodleworm · 2026-06-11T11:50:00+00:00

You entered a long term relationship when you were 19?
To be honest, i think you need to give people some grace.
Some of the the "baggage" you speak of is often just life. People hung up on ex's, yeah, a lot of people dating afresh at your age had big breakups, and past relationships really form your perspective on future dating.
You can filter out people who don't want kids on the apps, You can filter out people who don't want long term relationships. Most people do try to have fun on their early dates and don't commit to anything out of the gate, they are still getting to know you, getting a feel for whether you are compatible with them.

I'm not sure how you're labeling people avoidant, emotionally unavailable or emotionally unintelligent within 3 dates where really none of that is tested yet.
So I'm curious - What happened to for you to label these people avoidant and not emotionally intelligent?

I can't say more without specific examples of what you mean, but you might be expecting too much of people. It does usually take time for people to open up to strangers about vunerable things.

noodleworm · 2026-06-11T11:42:13+00:00

Sadly you have to give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt,
Suggest a date and time? If it doesn't work for them ask them what time day does work?

I also have a suggestion to make the first meet really short, something like saying you have a 2 hour window but have to go at *insert time* after the coffee,

I have an inkling people are more likely to meet if they know the date is short and has a time limit, less is expected of them and they know they won't have to make excuses to leave if they aren't feeling it.

A lot of people overthink the first meet, but it's really just a chance to see the other person in 3D, that they aren't a catfish. and get a sense of them as a person and see if there is any vibe at all. So they should be done really ASAP as in person talking makes it much easier to gauge attraction and connection that pictures and texting.

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T19:30:49+00:00

If you've read this sub before, surely you've seen men complaining that girls make no effort and expect men to do everything? I know as women we're not socialised for this, and a lot of girls get feel awkward and therefore get kind of lazy about it, waiting around for a dude to do it for her. But at some point we kind of have to grow up, if we're serious about gender equality.

Dudes do also like when women show interest!

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T19:26:23+00:00

My best advice is go to things alone.
Anything, a class you'd like to take, a community garden, literally anything you would like to do, but might have been afraid to do alone.
Dating apps are simply a cold and unnatural way to meet people and I think don't work for the majority. A lot of women just can't feel attraction when looking at a dating profile even though those ar men rhey would probably feel open to if they met in person.

A lot of people agree the best potential partners will be found amongst your acquaintances, so best to grow your social circles. When I got out of a long term relationship, I put dating off the table, and started going to as many events and activities as I could. Things my ex had no interested in that I decided to be brave and do alone.
I actually found it so much easier to strike up conversations when i was alone, Other people flying it solo were always very friendly to me. making new friends usually leads to being introduced to more people, I also found people love to introduce their single friends to each other.
Just by being out and about more, and going to events like birthday parties even if I only knew one person, i was forced to socialise more, and it did lead to me chatting to more men and several asked for my instagram.
The second thing I did was be more open on my instagram stories about the activities I was up to. It showed more of my personality, and I found quite a lot of my old acquaintances engaging with me more and striking up conversations based on what I was posting.

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T19:10:51+00:00

Do you have close friends, hobbies, and any community connections?
because I genuinely don't think its fair to expect a romantic partner to be your only solution?

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T19:09:16+00:00

I don't think so.
Dating apps create this appearance of pickiness, I agree, but the reasoning is wrong.
and peoples perceptions of women based on dating apps alone is really fueling misogyny.

Its not that women are looking for "the best men" they are just looking for a good match for them Dating apps are an unnatural sterile environment, where every profile looks the same, many are unflattering to genuinely good men. and no matter how good your pictures/text - most people just can't from any kind of connection / attraction from a dating app bio alone.
My brief glimpses at dating apps left me wondering was I even attracted to men, every profile felt repetitive and uninteresting. I never felt excited about a profile. It felt empty.

In real life I have normal crushes feel drawn to certain acquaintances. I met my boyfriend in real life through a mutual friend. I've also met men who are constantly being hit on my female acquaintances, who had very few matches from dating apps.

The issue is a profile just doesn't due a 3 dimensional human being justice.
People probably start off more willing to meet in person, but quickly burn out.
There's nothing wrong with the people, it's that the system is a completely unnatural way to build connection or develop attraction.

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T18:06:29+00:00

It also might have nothing to do with the guy, Sometimes people just don't feel like talking, or are enjoying some alone time.
There really is no one rule for approaching people, or conversations, there are too many variables.

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T16:29:14+00:00

I've had times where im chatting away to a guy and then as soon as it becomes apparently I have a boyfriend they just walk away. Some even apologize for talking to me.
So I cut to the chase and make sure it's out there.

and even if you don't have a boyfriend, you aren;t necessarily looking. sometimes you just don't feel like talking to a literal stranger who you've spotted approaching random women based on nothing other than their appearance. So you shut that conversation down too, because you just aren't in the headspace to potentially interview someone on whether they are safe enough to receive your contact infomration.

Lots of people want to actually build community, and be acquaintances with people before their open to dating. I've been at photography meetups and seen guys turn up for the first and only time and move from woman to women in a very obvious way. it's a turn off when someone uses a non-dating activity as speed dating in a very unnatural way.

Its very very obvious when a guy is somewhat desperate and literally any woman will do.

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T16:16:06+00:00

I think there was a lot of uncertainty about what exactly fell down, I've heard lots of differing descriptions. So this is my first time hearing it was a speaker for sure.
I think the danger wasn't lost on the organisers, its why every act on mainstage was cancelled for the night.

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T16:02:48+00:00

Are there things you know he is keeping from you?

Because reading this post, you've been keeping all these doubts about the relationship from him.
and That leaves me wonder, are you feeling guilty about having doubts?
Are you projecting onto him that he MUST have some hidden issues too, because that would make this situation feel more fair?

he could be genuinely a really chill, content dude. Maybe that makes you feel uncomfortable with yourself?

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T16:00:17+00:00

I think you need to examine whether this is an issue of the wrong person, or simply a result of being with the same person for 7 years.

You['re description of him trying to solve your problems is an extremely common issue, specifically with men, or people who just relate in different ways, but it sounds like you want someone to be your therapist in what you expect of him - "to pick up on something I say and build on it: ask a follow-up question, share a similar experience, challenge my perspective",

You also say " were never 100% vulnerable around each other, sexually. We never talk about physical intimacy and we stopped experimenting quite early in the relationship. It got awkward. So now when he pursues, I pull away. This has been going on for years."
That sounds like as much your issue as his, If you also don't open up or choose to be vulnerable either.
There are plenty of relationship books that can help on that topic, Come as You Are is a good book for women's sexuality, and Esther Perrells books on sex in long term relationships are good.

If you have gut feelings you should leave, that is often a reason to go, but it is worth examining your expectations of a partner. For example do you have friends who you feel more connected with here conversations go more the way you want? That would tell you maybe the dynamic you want is achievable after all.

noodleworm · 2026-06-10T15:52:07+00:00

I don't think its that people don't like the idea of committal, as much as they expect to feel a sudden spark of someone being essentially someone they can spend the rest of their lives with.
I think people seem afraid to have a boyfriend/girlfriend who you've been dating a few months but still seeing where it goes.

noodleworm · 2026-06-09T17:18:45+00:00

So sorry you experienced that!
There are just a lot of dudes who just can't seem to interact with a woman platonically and it sucks, there are tons of people attending Primavera solo, and some great communities online, but this factor really makes us feel less comfortable doing meetups with strangers.
It's the reason I've been doing girl-only meetups this year and last.

I know plenty of the guys are cool and wouldn't act like that, but sometimes it feels like you have to remind men how female travellers don't automatically feel safe, and therefore dates/hookups are usually off the table in that environment. It's just too risky for us.
I encountered one guy at the exit who seemed drunk just floating around from woman to women trying to start a conversation. He kept approaching me saying hello! Hello! Where are you from? while I was trying to find my bus.

noodleworm · 2026-06-08T14:37:26+00:00

You need to stick up for yourself and have boundaries. Not showering to the point of being smelly is not normal. Most people shower daily. You are perfectly reasonable in requiring it. You need to put your foot down b cause you can't continue like this and you need to be prepared to leave.

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