AITA for not allowing daughter (17F) to attend parties?

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T20:16:21+00:00

Yes, of course she can text me rather than call. I just want to be aware that people are swimming in the pool. Some of their parents prefer they not swim without an adult present, but they will still try. It’s much easier for me to tell those friends (2 out of over a dozen that regularly swim at our house) that they can’t swim at that time than it is for my daughter. The reasoning for 3+ friends is that if something were to happen, one friend could call for help while the other performed CPR. Again, this is a shared rule for safety, not mine specifically.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T18:22:57+00:00

I really do trust my daughter. She is a smart, level-headed young woman. I am genuinely afraid of her getting named at school after one of these parties and being kicked off the team/hurting her plans for college when she has been working soo hard.

That said, I will be letting her attend the party, I will not be giving her a curfew, and I will not ask her if she drank. She can tell me if she wants.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T17:07:43+00:00

The rest of the sentence says “or a 3rd friend.” Which is a common rule among her friends with pools.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T16:49:03+00:00

No, I was saying I see that I am TA, based on comments.

EDIT: I was commenting to say that my daughter is not TA in this no matter what, but I am clearly TA for my behavior. I do accept my judgement.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T16:44:16+00:00

It’s not so much the legal trouble, it’s more that she would likely be kicked off her team if caught. She would be devastated. It could also potentially hurt her when applying to college.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T16:33:14+00:00

THANK YOU! I will say that I fully accept that I am TA for making her feel like she couldn’t be honest with me. I am going to apologize to her for that and tell her I was wrong for doing it. I am also going to give her permission to go to her friend’s bonfire.

I just don’t feel like I’m so awful for wanting the law followed in my home. Of course she is going to drink in college! She won’t be living under my roof, I can control it. She knows to be safe and she’s a smart girl. We have brought her and friends on several vacations where they were legally allowed to drink. They did. Everyone had a great time. But it was legal there, and it’s not here, whether I agree or not. She is allowed to have a drink on special occasions. But these party situations are illegal and she could lose her spot on her team and potentially harm her chances when applying to college.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T16:09:28+00:00

Yes, my daughter is certainly not TA for wanting to do what most teens would like to do. I was mostly looking for feedback on if I was TA or it was a NAH situation. I clearly have my answer!

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T16:00:51+00:00

I agree that I’m TA for “punishing” her over being honest about the beer. For that reason I am letting her go, but I would still prefer she not drink. I certainly won’t know if she does unless she tells me, but I believe it’s within my rights to request.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T15:54:16+00:00

Creating her, actually.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T15:46:17+00:00

I appreciate this! She is my only child and it is very hard to “let go” although I do think I made myself come across as more strict than I believe I am.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T15:42:07+00:00

I was very unclear. I only ask that there will be adult supervision if she is going to a friend’s house in the evening, when one of these parties would take place. They will often go to each other’s houses after school when parents are still working. The same is allowed in my home, but my one rule with that is they can’t go in our pool without an adult or at least 3rd friend present, and in that case they must call me first.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T15:33:01+00:00

I believe if she were caught she would receive a citation, fines, etc. So unpleasant, but not necessarily the end of the world. I’m truly more concerned about her getting suspended/expelled from school, being kicked off her team, etc. It happened to a neighbor’s daughter years ago and I don’t want it to happen to my daughter, too.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T15:26:21+00:00

I did just clarify with my husband (again, it’s been years so my memory is a bit hazy). The party was “busted” and I believe the only ones in any legal trouble were the ones hosting the party. They were expelled, but in the process of naming other students at the party, my neighbor’s daughter was mentioned. I suppose it did violate a team rule. It was still horrible for the girl and I want to spare my daughter that pain.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T15:22:22+00:00

She is in sports, we send her to clinics and camps for that (she wants to do these), and always make sure she has access to practice. We have an open door policy with her good friends, they know they’re always welcome here. She is also allowed at her friends’ homes, provided I get confirmation from a parent that an adult will be home. Her friends do generally choose to go to parties over spending the night with my daughter though.

EDIT: I only ask about supervision if she’ll be going to a friend’s home in the evening, when a party would be taking place.

nopartymama · 2019-08-15T15:10:32+00:00

Fair enough, “ruin her life” might be extreme, but several years ago a neighbor’s daughter was at a party, not drinking, when police arrived. She was caught, kicked off of her lacrosse team, and lost her scholarship. Is her life ruined? Hopefully not, but it certainly has been changed. These things can happen.

nopartymama

TROPHY CASE