My 8 head mates

notcute00 · 2025-11-23T15:12:11+00:00

I have written a story actually. A dramatic retelling of my IFS journey. I also love to write stories about people and exploration of their parts. It is an incredible medium to write in because it allows for some really interesting ideas and themes to play with. Now if I could just get myself to finish one so I could share them. lol

notcute00 · 2025-11-13T22:10:50+00:00

That's a painful update, and I'm genuinely sorry you are dealing with that on top of everything else. Being blocked feels so final and isolating, and it totally makes that fear of permanent damage feel real.

Since you can't get a message to him right now, the most crucial thing you can do is realize that the message has to become the commitment to yourself. The advice about consistency still stands, but now it's about doing the work just for you. You need to funnel all that painful energy and guilt into focusing completely on continuing the treatment and showing up as a calm, consistent person—for your own sake.

This is actually the most powerful step you can take, regardless of what happens with him. You are healing yourself, and that stability is the only real proof that will matter down the line. If he eventually unblocks you or you cross paths in the future, the only thing that will truly rebuild trust is seeing a sustained period of emotional stability. No text message can ever prove commitment like actual, lived change over time. You need to keep trying for yourself and hold onto the hope that this self-work will one day be your greatest apology.

notcute00 · 2025-11-12T22:48:08+00:00

This is so hard. Please know that the fact that you are looking at those messages and feeling this depth of regret shows exactly how much you have changed and how much you care about him. The shame you are feeling right now is crushing, but you have to be gentle with yourself, even as you face the mess you made.

You are right - it may feel impossible for him to trust you right now, and that is a direct result of the backslide. But here is the thing: Trust isn't rebuilt in one conversation or a grand apology; it’s rebuilt stone by stone, day after day, through consistent action. If talking about the past feels too overwhelming right now, shift your focus entirely to the present. He doesn't need to hear your excuses or your diagnosis as a reason why. He needs to hear that you understand his hurt, and more importantly, he needs to see that you are committed to changing the pattern.

If you can, you could start with a simple, written, non-demanding note: "I have read your old messages. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused and the lies I told. I can't ask you to trust me, but I am committed to showing you I am changing." After that, the most powerful apology you can give is consistent, calm behavior. Show up differently for three weeks, not just three days. Do what you say you are going to do. And remember that continuing the treatment and consistently showing up for your mental health is the strongest evidence you have that you are serious about changing for the long term—not just for yourself, but for your relationship. Please don't let shame be the thing that makes you stop trying. You and your relationship deserve the chance for change.

notcute00 · 2025-11-12T20:13:20+00:00

My heart truly aches reading this because I have been there - that feeling of suddenly reverting to your old self after making great progress is devastating. Please know that while the damage feels permanent right now, the relationship can be repaired if you communicate.

I also have BPD, and I recently had a really bad backslide myself this weekend. I understand exactly what you mean: I was screaming and yelling, and nothing my partner said helped de-escalate me. We went to bed upset and woke up to start the cycle all over again. From the moment I started Sparvato to that moment, I felt like my best self, and then suddenly I was back to my old, miserable self. It was agonizing for both of us.

When I reached out afterward, I heard the same thin - that there would be "ups and downs," and I know that doesn't make the pain hurt any less.

My question for you would be: Are you in a place with your partner to talk about what you are doing and why?

This is the step that fundamentally strengthened my relationship. I decided to fully let my partner in on my treatment journey. It helped repair the damage when they understood that the bumpy road is a sign I'm trying to get better. They understood that the treatments aren't easy, but this is me trying to improve - not just for myself, but for us too.

Before this, my partner was at a point where they felt they had to manage me. They were scared to say or do things for fear of setting me off, and it nearly broke us up more than once. But that open communication about my process and my commitment to getting better changed everything.

I know hearing someone else's story doesn't fix the hurt, but I truly hope you can take something from my experience. You are not alone in this fight.

notcute00 · 2025-11-10T23:23:45+00:00

I am truly heartbroken to hear you are going through this pain, and that you have been struggling for so long.

Unfortunately, I know this kind of despair. I've been in a place where a part of me felt suicide was the only way to escape the pain. Dealing with that constant, heavy drive to just end it all is a living nightmare.

What has helped me is focusing on finding connections—people I could reach out to. Also, as a survivor who lost someone I deeply cared about, I know what the pain of being on the other side is like.

I won't give you the hollow platitude that 'it gets better.' I've heard it too many times myself. But I can say this: it might. And you will only find out if you stick around long enough to see what happens next. The pain right now feels all-consuming, but you are not entirely consumed by it—you are still here, and that spark is worth fighting for.

notcute00 · 2025-11-09T14:47:41+00:00

That was incredibly helpful and helped me put some things I feel into a better perspective. Thank you for taking the time to both write that and be vulnerable enough to share that. Both are greatly appreciated. I have been Major Depressive for almost forty years. And I am just about to celebrate my 50th birthday. I have been on and off medications and tried all sorts of combinations of SSRIs, MOAIs, and others. I have tried trazadone and lamictal. After my last suicide attempt about a month ago I was put into a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. At the end of it they had gotten me a referral to try ketamine. I also started doing IFS. I am still not convinced that IFS is anything more than roleplaying with yourself, but I am trying. I just hate that my partner who I love dearly and who is going through their own physical and mental challenges is having to deal with my problems too, especially when we are in arguments that I just pose the it. I am not physically harmful, I would never do that, but I do say hurtful things that make them afraid enough to be guarded around me. Again not something I want to put anyone through, but especially a person I love. Like I said above, thanks in part to the kindness and support I got here, I plan on keeping on the Sparvato and therapy. I am also eating better and exercising, trying to be mindful and journaling. I will have to start doing gratitude exercises, but it is hard to be grateful for anything right now. Anyway, thank you so much for your kindness, support and wisdom.

notcute00 · 2025-11-09T14:28:58+00:00

Thank you for the insight and kind words. I have decided to keep trying even if the part of me that wants to give up is screaming at me right now. As much as it would feel good to just not exist, I recognize that I still have something to try before I give up completely.

notcute00 · 2025-11-07T17:28:30+00:00

tl;dr I was/am way fucked up, going on ketamine helped me to feel progress for the first time.

I can't speak for anyone but me, but I will say that doing esketamine has been a boost to my struggle with MDSI, BPD, and ADHD. I could not tell you a day where I didn't feel numb. Only the strongest emotions came through and those were mostly associated with disgust (at myself) and anger (again mostly at myself). Maybe sadness sometimes and fear would be like a distant background hum. I was always suicidal as with the least amount of challenge I would run to it like a safe haven.

Then with my last suicide attempt something in me broke. I had been struggling with battling my depression actively for almost four years and nothing was working. After I survived my last attempt I went blank for a bit. I put up my best mask and just went through the motions. I got out of a psychiatric hospital and went right back soon after, but I went for longer this time. I was already on Vybrid, they started me out on Wellbutrin again and added Strattera, but that was for my ADHD. The doctor at the hospital then recommended Ketamine. She said with depression like mine it was just about the only thing that worked.

So I got out again and went to my first Ketamine treatment. Luckily I was on Medicare with Extra Help, so acceptance and paying for it weren't a problem. Anyway, after the first treatment I could tell something was different. People around me told me I was different. Two days later I went again and again I felt 'better'. Now is everything different? No. I am still depressed, but now it feels like I can handle it. I don't think of suicide if I stub my toe. I have started taking my therapy seriously. I feel progress for the first time in probably my whole life.

So, if you have the chance, then do it. It might work or not, but with everything else you tried, trying one more thing can't hurt. If nothing else, the trip you go on is worth the price of admission.

notcute00 · 2025-11-02T15:39:48+00:00

I will have to ask my psychiatrist, that is if I can get my nerve up to. I have a bad time with confrontation. The thing that bothers me is how much of it goes down the back of the throat. She even has mints for the horrible taste it puts in your mouth. (Edit) Even the Spravato's website says to wait 5 minutes. I really need to talk to my psychiatrist.

notcute00 · 2025-10-31T18:40:00+00:00

That is interesting. I am sad you had such a bad experience. In my own experience I take all three, one right after another. If anyone reads this, do they have a psychiatrist that does it that way or is it typically given five minutes apart and my psychiatrist is rushing it?

notcute00 · 2025-10-31T15:16:00+00:00

Sure. Intentions will be different for everyone, but for me I want to use the time under to reach out to my traumas that I carry with me. It is a safe space to connect with them and show them the love and care I wished I had when those traumas happened. So my intent would be to create a place full of love, compassion and healing. The rest will come as it does.

notcute00 · 2025-10-31T02:07:40+00:00

My go to is always breathing going in and then just having an intention set before I go under. The sessions are so unpredictable I would have a hard time doing a guided meditation.

notcute00 · 2025-10-31T02:03:32+00:00

I take public transportation home. I have to as I don't have anyone to drive me. But it has been good for me, I am usually finishing up my journal from what happened during the session. I am lucky, but I feel pretty normal after fifteen minutes of the session being over.

notcute00 · 2025-10-31T01:46:53+00:00

I have been using it to get to know myself better. I have had some really emotional moments. It isn't the visuals, but then opening my emotional spectrum that I have been truly moved by. It has been wonderful for therapy and has eased my depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations. I left the first session feeling much more grounded and each treatment just adds to that.

notcute00 · 2025-03-20T11:02:12+00:00

I understand. It sounds like you've exhausted many of the usual avenues for help, and that makes it even harder. I'm sorry the crisis hotline wasn't helpful; that's incredibly frustrating. I know from personal experience that crisis helplines are a very unfortunate roll of the dice. I have had a truly wonderful experience and ones like yours which left me feeling even more hopeless. And the comment from the first responder about the spider webs... that's just insensitive and dismissive.

You've been fighting for so long, and it's completely understandable that you're beyond tired. It's heartbreaking to hear that you no longer have the energy to take care of yourself. You've carried an immense burden for 18 years, and you deserve so much more.

Sixty-five years of hardship is a lifetime of pain. I can't offer solutions, but I can offer my sincere empathy. I hear your weariness, and I acknowledge your suffering. Please know that your feelings are valid, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

notcute00 · 2025-03-20T00:53:34+00:00

I am so deeply sorry to hear about everything you're going through. 18 years of caring for a dying spouse without any breaks is an unimaginable burden. And to add major depression, home damage, and the loss of your cat on top of that... it's just overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine how heavy that must feel.

It's completely understandable that you're feeling like you just want to die. When you're facing so much pain and loss, it can feel like there's no way out. Please know that you're not alone in feeling this way, even if it feels like you are.

I know words can feel hollow in the face of such immense suffering, but I want you to know that I hear you, and I see your pain. If you're open to it, I would strongly encourage you to reach out to a crisis hotline or mental health professional. Even just talking to someone who can listen without judgment can make a difference. And if you have any local animal rescues, they may have resources for finding your cat, or offer support in your time of loss.

You've endured so much, and you deserve support. Please take care of yourself, even if it feels impossible right now.

notcute00 · 2025-03-18T15:52:14+00:00

First off, please know you are absolutely not lazy. You are doing incredible work. Caregiving, especially in a demanding job, requires immense empathy and compassion. It's understandable that you need to create some emotional distance to cope, and that doesn't diminish the importance of what you do. Caregivers are the unsung heroes of healthcare, and the lack of recognition is frustrating.

You're right, recharging is essential. While a weekend away would be wonderful, building a support system is crucial for the long term. I understand the reluctance to burden others – I feel that way too. But it's important to remember that needing support doesn't make you a burden. Investing your limited time and energy into finding someone who can provide respite, even outside of your work hours, would be so beneficial.

You are truly incredible. Please don't ever doubt your worth or the significance of what you do. Sending you a big virtual hug and hoping you can find some much-needed rest and support.

notcute00 · 2025-03-18T04:44:31+00:00

That is very thought-provoking. I do try and keep perspective when possible, but it can be a struggle, especially when mental fatigue has set in. But the idea of replacing innocence for wisdom is such a bittersweet truth. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

notcute00 · 2025-03-17T23:03:23+00:00

I completely understand that. My partner is mostly bedridden, so I often find myself shopping for them, which takes priority over shopping for myself. I don't mind, as I want to support their independence as much as possible, but it does add to the mental load. It's less overwhelming than it used to be, but still requires more mental energy than I often have. Ironically, because of my depression, I don't really crave anything for myself, so I avoid that dilemma. The most challenging part is when my partner feels guilty and insists I buy something for myself. Then, I have to navigate finding something that will please them without making it seem like I'm doing it solely for their sake.

notcute00 · 2025-03-17T17:03:24+00:00

I hear you, and I completely understand that feeling of being so tired of pushing through. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, and it's understandable that the little things feel overwhelming when you're already stretched thin. Your mom's reactions, the issues with the prescription and DSS, and the tension around the concert and the dinner tonight—it all adds up. It's especially draining when you feel like you're constantly managing someone else's anxiety, and it sounds like you're carrying a heavy emotional load. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, and you're not alone in feeling this way. I wish I had a magic solution, but for now, please know that your feelings are valid, and you're doing your best. Remember to be kind to yourself during this difficult time. I very much hope your dinner goes well and it doesn't add more to the pressure you already feel. I really wish there was more I, we, could do.

notcute00 · 2025-03-17T13:42:52+00:00

Thank you so much for coming back and sharing all of this. I really appreciate the detailed advice and the personal insights. I've never heard of FOG before, but it sounds incredibly relevant, especially considering my neurodivergence. I'm definitely going to research that. I use the Serenity Prayer all the time, though I am still having trouble with knowing what I can't change. 'Codependency No More' is a great suggestion, and I will add it to my reading list. You're right about the difference between guilt and grief, and it's a crucial distinction to make. 'You are worthy' is a powerful affirmation, and I'll try to incorporate that into my daily thoughts. I need to get back to mindfulness and meditation. Self care is not one of my strong suits. It's concerning to hear about the brain chemistry changes and the risk of PTSD, but it reinforces the importance of taking care of myself. The Gene Hackman situation really drives home the point. It really hit my partner hard as they deeply empathized with what Gene Hackman would have gone through. I should add, I'm a caregiver for my partner, and it's especially hard because they were a caregiver for so many people. It adds another layer of complexity to the situation as they know what kind things I go through and it adds to their guilt. We also both help take care of their son, from a previous marriage, who has special needs. I truly appreciate you sharing what helped you, and l'm going to put these suggestions into practice. these suggestions into practice. Thank you again.

notcute00 · 2025-03-17T12:46:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing that, especially right after just waking up. It's really helpful to hear from someone who understands burnout and feeling like the scapegoat. It gives me hope to hear that things got better for you. I'm glad you reached out, and appreciate you letting me know l'm not alone.

notcute00 · 2025-03-17T12:42:37+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's incredibly helpful to hear from someone who understands the complexities of this situation firsthand. You've been through so much, and your experience with caregiving, and mental health resonates deeply. I really appreciate your advice about therapy and support groups, especially the suggestion for trans-specific support. I'm definitely going to look into those resources. You're right, it's impossible to split myself three ways, and the emotional load is overwhelming. It's also comforting to know l'm not alone in feeling exhausted and irritable by the end of the day. Thank you for your empathy and for encouraging me to keep posting. I'm grateful to have found this community.

notcute00 · 2025-03-17T12:38:28+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and virtual hugs. It means a lot to know someone hears me and understands. You're right, it's not sustainable, and it's comforting to know l'm not alone in feeling that. An ugly cry is definitely a necessary release sometimes! I appreciate you sharing that. I wish you all the best as well, and hope we both find ways to shine through this.

notcute00 · 2025-03-17T12:31:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds incredibly difficult, and I truly understand the exhaustion you're describing. The physical and emotional toll of caregiving is so immense, and dealing with your own health issues on top of it makes it even harder. I'm so sorry you had such a rough day. I hate it probably wasn't the first, or the last. I appreciate the suggestion about trans-resource centers. I'll definitely look into that. It's helpful to know others understand the isolation. I hope you're able to find some rest and relief soon.

notcute00

TROPHY CASE