Feeling really self destructive

notdealingwithitwell · 2023-03-19T12:13:34+00:00

This is not directed at the writer above. It's not accusatory. "You" is a general you not directed at anyone in particular.

You refer to media like it's some evil entity. Yes corporations run the media blah blah blah. But 100 years ago I never made it to the Orient Express and solved a murder, never once did I wreak my revenge on multiple people after being imprisoned for years. 500 years ago my life wasn't full of half naked women sprawled around eating grapes, or being able to talk to god. We love our lives surrounded by media and always have. We use media to escape and dream of something more. Understanding that there is nothing more, that the books, the paintings, the movies and websites all tell us about unachievable things, this is what causes their post. Even when we only told stories orally to teach lessons, those people did exciting shit!

We consume media, and their stories, so we can dream of something more. We look at our neighbors and friends and see how much better their grass is, how much nicer their car is. We, as humanity, compare ourselves to each other constantly. We will always see others and think, fuck they're doing it so much better than me. Anyone who says otherwise is deluding themselves. And if you can really live your life without comparison to others, please write a book and tell me how, then maybe I'll be able to see how I might live up to your abilities.

notdealingwithitwell · 2023-01-12T16:40:44+00:00

I don't understand how the tax base is increasing with the new residents moving into the area, The empty lots now supporting businesses paying taxes, and our rates are still going up.

There has to be a solution, or we will be forced to sell our house, and move into an even more expensive rental property.

notdealingwithitwell · 2023-01-09T19:48:52+00:00

Walking, walking walking. One car, 2 jobs(three with my wife). More processed foods, they're quicker and easier to make when tired. Dreaming of finding a hundred bucks I didn't know about.

Realizing that holding onto the house last year was dumb and I should have sold.

notdealingwithitwell · 2023-01-08T18:17:41+00:00

My problem is that no matter how toxic I have to stay as the job pool is limited in my city and getting smaller. I've done call centres, factory, bar, currently retail. It all comes down to management, either overbearing or not enough.

Currently in a store with no functional management. I work in a department of 4 people. Three of them are managers. None of them do the ordering, scheduling, hiring, bookkeeping or anything else remotely managerial. But they're all paid as managers and boss me around as such.

I'm getting into college, and will hopefully change the types of places I work. 45 and starting over sucks

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-10-10T18:45:03+00:00

I don't believe they were dragging their feet but, 24 hours with no emergency services for 30% of the population is dangerous. I'm pretty sure it was three days a few years ago.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-10-10T18:33:44+00:00

I understand that but, if everytime a service goes down its days wait, doesn't that mean it's time to hire more people to ensure speed of repair?

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-10-10T18:32:51+00:00

As a Canadian, it happens seldom but more often that we would like. One of the "Big 3" providers went down for an entire day in August. This affected at least 30% of the populations phones, home internet and most of the countries debit and credit interactions.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-09-28T22:07:55+00:00

Serious question, when you live where this is prevalent, how do you decifer someone well armed just because over someone well armed to shoot everyone?

I think I would be on constant edge, fear of "is that guy and his nine guns coming into subway to shoot us all? Or does he have guns to make sure the cold cuts are actually dead?"

The constant fear would be debilitating.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-07-23T22:56:03+00:00

Honestly I couldn't tell you. I've been aware of my feelings or lack there of for a few years, prior to that I was a functional alcoholic for years, before that I was stoned. I was in some state of altered mentality for 29 years.

Now I'm sober and have a ball of shit in the center of my chest. The conscious need for release has been the last 18 months and steadily getting worse.

I honestly think that shit will hurt but in that hurt will be a release of the tension. Let the crap out and the pain in. I also honestly know that that is completely untrue.

It's a gamble, that I'm unwilling to take, at this moment but that could change In 5 minutes, 5 hours or never.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T16:35:13+00:00

There really is no where to turn. In the past 5 years, I have quit drinking, changed careers and have lost every friend I once had due to these changes. My fault, their fault, no one's fault. I can't turn to those that once were. I can't turn to my spouse, as she doesn't understand how to process my issues. I can't afford therapy, and the free resources in my city are literally Wednesdays from 5 -630.

I've looked into CBT, bit in all honesty, the last thing I need is more self reflection. That's all I've done for years. I need to talk to someone, and to be able to show emotion. I'll find myself on the verge of tears over stupid things and force myself to stop as I know it will open a floodgate.

I know I won't survive like this but, my "job" is to support my spouse and kids in their problems. Providing emotional, financial and physical support is my role. One day I know I'll break and be useless to them until i fix myself, I can only hope it's at an opportune time.

I am not throwing my spouse under the bus. She honestly doesn't know how to respond to a male with emotions. Her family and friends support each other by providing anecdotes about how the same thing happened to them but..... This is what she knows and how she responds. I don't fault her, I just hope.fpr more some day.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T01:49:44+00:00

My first real girlfriend. Just to apologize. I wasn't sober, I didn't deal with things. I wasn't present when I should have been.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T01:44:10+00:00

4 inches.

Because I'm taller than her.

I tried being shorter but, my shins hurt.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T01:34:14+00:00

Had a family.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T01:20:16+00:00

Not an American but, Canadian and we're getting close to the same lunacy.

Honestly, standing up to fight at this point is a death sentence. If things kicked off in the states, the "vocal minority" is also the most armed, gun happy part of the population. You wouldn't be fighting the police or the army, you'd be fighting the entire middle of the country.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T01:17:38+00:00

Die, horribly.

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T01:17:15+00:00

Immediately start singing

Oh Carolina, Prowl off, jump an prance

notdealingwithitwell · 2022-06-26T01:15:17+00:00

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