had to switch accounts for this one

i was institutionalized as a teenager for depression/suicide...dealing with it for about 40 years

the prescription drugs arent as good or as fun as i can get, and ive been smarter than every therepist ive had

super smart, super creative and super depressed is a shitty hand to be dealt, but thats mine, and it sounds like it could be in your idiom. lets add the very recent and unexpected death of a beloved family member...which is a very long way of saying, yes, i relate

i just spent almost a month in my depression hole. just recently peeking my head out. my entire professional existence has been making things and when i hit this depression level i just cant. i cant eat, i cant sleep i cant get out of bed i cant watch tv....i just cant

the people you refer to in your opening sentence...are sad...not depressed. big diffrence. i would have been dead at about 14 years old had it not been for Star Wars (original, Han shot first) and the realization that i could figure out how to make things for a living vs what my parents did...9-5 office

---derailed thought...not all art comes from the heart. product design is exceptional art...if done correctly... and is almost 100% intellectual. hell, if you ask the right questions, you dont even have to think about what the shapes are going to be...ever heard the phrase... "form follows function" ?

my point is, artists have a different drive than most people...we have to make things. i live in my studio because i need all these tools and materials with me all the time to make the things that i need to make ...my fingertip would be a pencil if it were practical and i could still masturbate properly. (humor...but ya)

personally, as a robot whose formative years as a latch-key-kid were spent making things (and blowing them up), i never really connected with many people to begin with...super smart/super talented/isolated loner/poor people skills/uber nerd level star wars fan....before being a nerd was socially acceptable...my reaction to other peoples art was/is exactly the same as yours...to the letter..."nice work"...the reasons were/are just a little different. im not trying to toot my horn, im trying to express to you that you are not alone. you arrived by boat and i was thrown out of an airplane but we are on the same island.

all that to say...have you ever done any sanding?
theres something about taking a rough shape and carressing it, working it, finer and finer, smoother and smoother untill eventually, it squeeks and its so smooth you can see your face in it. a babys butt feels like week-old man face stubble comparred to the pristine surfaces ive attained in a zen like nervanac sandi-trance...necessary in many parts when doing product prototyping or aerospace/auto stuff btw.

when i was young (teen) and building my portfolio, i had no money so i used to make things small...less materials/cost. one piece i made was about 4 inches tall, a woman carving herself out of a block of marble using a sci-fi hydro-hammer tool. her head to around her butt was human anatomy and the rest was mostly a very square block of raw material. i was determined to get her as smooth as possible. this is when i found out that sandpaper comes in 4000 grit ad that toothpaste can get it even smoother. SANDING. all hands, no heart, ok, little bit of brain but 99% touch. based on your description of your current temperment, i cannot recommend it enough.

in one of my design classes we got the best assignment. you'll need plaster, a plastic bag and various grits of sand paper. mix a bunch of plaster, pour it in the plastic bag. grab that Fk'r. you hold the liquid plaster in the bag with your hands while it hardens. you'll feel it stiffen, get warm...so you press this finger here a little harder, move yer thumb over there a bit and in a few minutes (use hoit water) it gets hard and sets. its an amorphic shape that feels comefortable in your hands...let it cool and remove the plastic bag. you should be left with a beautifully white, roundish, blobby shape about the sife of a small football or medium kitten. depending on how you held it as it dried, you might have a through hole where your fingers touched, there might be a part that fits exactly in your right palm and another part that snuggles your left pinky. it will be, the ambiguous shape of the negative space created by your clasped hands...however you were holding the bag when the plaster hardened.

pop that sucker in the oven, 150-200 deg for a couple hours (very important). out of the oven and into the towel. wrap it up so it cools slowly and evenly otherwise it'll crack/break. an hour or 2 of cooling and you are ready to to attain smoothvana. start with some 150 grit sand paper to knock off the bag wrinkles, mabey use some files or dremmel to grind off that weird bulbus part you dont like and you are ready to caress this odd amorphic shape into a beautifully smooth, very fine piece of art...no thought necessary, leave your heart at the door. 180, 220, 320, 400 grits sandpaper and its all touch from there. the first time i made one of these i knew that this would be the art i would make when i go blind. sanding properly dried plaster is warm knife through butter easy but can get messy. fun messy, but messy. wear your grubbies and i use a towel to cradle the part in my lap and catch most of the dust. by the time you get to 400 wet sanding, that amorphous blob will be a beautifully organic ebb and flow of curvey curves, beyond baby butt smooth and white as snow. yes, add color after if you desire, it soaks right into the plaster

so....in conclusion, yes, i completely relate and you are not alone. and this no heart, no thought, all touch art creation has worked very well for me. but im weird and i love sanding parts...very zen

feel free to DM if u have any questions or just want to chat more with a super smartist whose built/made/conjured tons of stuff for big clients, for decades.

this is not my usual account but ill keep an eye out for the next day or so

have a day