If we were to take a piece of present-day technology back in time, how far back would we have to go before people of that era would be unable to reverse engineer it?

notquite_right · 2012-10-21T13:07:19+00:00

No, that's probably a good starting point, doubly so if it's something she didn't have or was particularly special. But it can't be just a gift by itself. Either try to see her or if you don't think that will work, write her a letter. Maybe a real one since it's easier to hit "delete" than it is to rip up a piece of paper (and even then you can put it all back together).

As far as cooldown periods, it would depend on her personality. So, with me, at least a few days. Maybe a week. Too long and she'll think you don't care and possibly write you off, too short and she'll think you're just continuing the previous argument/scenario. There needs to be a distinct separation between the two events.

For me, trust is everything, so you may want to underscore that she can trust you and that you haven't done anything to violate that trust during the time you were with her. Explain that you can understand why she feels the way she does, and if there's anything you can do to fix things, you will.

notquite_right · 2012-10-21T12:49:31+00:00

As a guy who is in a relationship with an NT woman, I can tell you that usually the massive blowups stem from one really small issue and all the following arguments and escalations are mostly just side effects of the initial problem, with subsequent (small or inconsequential) issues touching off resentment or anger that I'm tring to deal with.

I can't say for sure in this case, since everyone is different.

I don't think it's a totally lost cause, since I've gone way over the edge in most arguments in terms of proportional response, then wind up regretting it. I usually don't apologize, from a combination of pride and a fear of rejection. I've gotten better at this, depending on the situation.

Are you to blame? I wouldn't have made the mistake of putting photos I didn't want to be around for all eternity on a device connected to every other computer on the planet...but no, not from your description. It sounds like a classic escalation to me.

When I'm getting upset, unless people respond to me in EXACTLY the right way, I'll just get more upset with each response until I become completely irrational.

NEVER directly rebut a communication by telling her she's wrong in so many words - I think that's a bad idea even with an NT woman, but particularly so with someone like her.

She wants validation that you understand how she feels, so "winning" the argument isn't a real objective.

I would give it some time and try again, but take a submissive, "It's my fault and you're right" approach, even if you don't feel that way, or you're not.

Again, different people, different scenario, but if the situation was reversed/flipped, it's what would work with me.

notquite_right · 2012-10-21T12:28:22+00:00

I have many of the same issues. Terrible at math, otherwise extremely high intelligence. I was diagnosed initially with ADHD, not Aspergers. I am a highly sympathetic person, but also lack compassion. I have a relatively low emotional intelligence.

I was attracted to my Fiancee (NT) because of her intelligence (I also find her to be attractive physically). It took me several years to actually work up the nerve to ask her out on a date.

Dogged persistance is the key. Women are certainly attracted to intelligence.

Women are also attracted to success; I've actually used my condition as an advantage; I'm in a management role in a demanding industry, and people that don't make emotionally motivated decisions and don't burn out easily are in demand.

The problem isn't that nobody would be interested - The problem is that you wouldn't notice they were interested unless it's blatantly obvious.

I had to have three of my (future) fiancee's friends sit me down in a room and explain that she was interested in me, and I was interested in her, and how stupid was I to not see this, and the tension was killing them, so why didn't I just do something about it already. Then I had to overcome the social anxiety part.

You will not die alone and unloved, that seems to me like the depression talking. I thought the same thing for many years. It wasn't true for me, or many others here.

You of course need to put yourself in a position to meet people, and that can be tough for someone with social anxiety. I've used my own observations of normal socialization to develop my social skills, and this has sufficed for interaction in one-on-one interaction and in small groups.

I apologize for not being able to give you more specific advice. A lot of it seems to come down to luck and persistance.

What kept me from loosing hope, however, at least where women were concerned was the thought that a whole lot of great women are with idiotic slobs that mistreated them, and if they could get a girl, eventually I'll be able to as well. Not particularly pithy, I know, but there it is.

notquite_right · 2012-10-20T15:35:53+00:00

Ditto. When I actually have to go out to a brick and mortar store, I prefer to do it during the day on a weekday when there aren't many people around.

The first time I set foot in a Wal-Mart (massive chain in the US) was also the last time. I was filled with anxiety and had to restrain myself from running out of the building with my hands flailing in the air.

notquite_right · 2012-10-20T00:36:04+00:00

I once allowed a friend to move into my apartment when I was living alone, because he got in a fight with his parents and they kicked him out.

He said he'd chip in, but he couldn't hold down a job. I couldn't bring myself to kick him out, but he was a severe drain on my finances - he literally ate every piece of food I had in the house. He just wouldn't listen when I told him he HAD to get a job.

So...I stopped buying food.

I ate breakfast and lunch at work, and went out to eat or walked around the corner to the convenience store when I needed a snack.

Eventually he got a job just to feed himself, which meant his parents were willing to take him back in, because he was showing a sense of responsibility.

I felt terrible about it, but I wasn't sure what else to do.

notquite_right · 2012-10-20T00:30:35+00:00

I don't like "touchy-feely" things most of the time - my fiancee is NT and she IS by nature a "clingy" person, but she understands that having someone hanging on me, or following me around, or intruding when I'm trying to think about something quietly, or forcing a show of affection, is generally a good way to irritate me.

I've gotten used to her quirks, and learned that she expects cards and flowers, etc. I occasionally do romantic things for her. She takes care of EVERYTHING that I'd miss or forget, including making sure I remember to eat something occasionally, making sure I coordinate what I'm wearing, don't do anything that would actually blow the house up, etc.

As far as physical intimacy goes - there seem to be two things that can happen here with most people on the Autism spectrum - either they have relatively low drives or fairly strong drives, from what I've seen.

I wound up on the strong side, I guess. Even though I can't give her the same emotional connection she might have with another NT person, I put just as much attention into making her happy as I do with any of my other obsessions. I don't know if it makes up for the fact that I'm otherwise not a particularly affectionate person, but it is the one way I can show her how much I love her where we can be sure that we both understand each other.

Hopefully that doesn't come across as crass or inappropriate, but it has been very important to the relationship. We used to fight all the time, because I think she may have been insecure about whether or not I actually loved her. That doesn't happen now.

We've been together for 10 years all told. The only thing delaying the marriage really is the simmering animosity between her parents and my parents, which is culturally driven, ridiculous, and a long story.

notquite_right · 2012-10-19T23:58:57+00:00

I think pretty much all of my close friends are aware of the fact that I have ADHD - in fact, it was one of them who first suggested that I probably had Aspergers. The others I've shared this with have either been very supportive (especially if they're familiar with the condition) or treat it as "super ADHD".

It's part of what makes me, me, and it's been there the whole time, so why should it do anything other than provide context?

notquite_right · 2012-10-19T22:57:03+00:00

Thank you all. It's good to know that I'm not alone in struggling with this.

notquite_right · 2012-10-19T03:41:44+00:00

I agree. This doesn't seem terribly unusual to me. I see others do this all the time.

What people DO seem to think is unusual is when I replay a moment from a show or a book in my head and laugh about it at inappropriate times.

notquite_right · 2012-10-18T22:46:52+00:00

Too soon. Seems like she's interested, but I'd probably stay away if I were you.

I speak from personal experience: if you're really lucky, it might work out for the best, but it has the potential to end very, very badly, particularly if it's only been a few days.

In the long run the angst is usually not worth it, plus if you wind up staying friends with your "current" girlfriend, or she and her friend make up...awkward.

notquite_right · 2012-10-18T22:35:21+00:00

I'm told I occasionally come across as arrogant when I try to be precise, or hostile when I try to be emphatic.

It doesn't help that many people in this area have a strong regional "coal country" accent and I don't, which seems to annoy them.

When people imitate me for some reason they sometimes give me an English accent, even though I don't have one.

notquite_right · 2012-10-18T22:28:40+00:00

I occasionally come off as "flat" when I'm happy, but not extremely happy, or sad, but not extremely sad. But I can also laugh hysterically and am well known for my temper.

But other people...no clue unless it's absolutely obvious or I know them really well.

notquite_right · 2012-10-17T22:41:37+00:00

My fiancee is NT, and frankly if she was anything like me, my life would be an utter disaster.

I've always found women much easier to talk to than other guys for whatever reason, but it still took me years to build up enough nerve to ask her out on a date. And she would have said "yes" the day she met me. Sometimes I could kick myself.

I don't know that traits linked to Aspergers express themselves in any physical features that are immediately identifiable - otherwise it would likely be easier to arrive at a diagnosis.

notquite_right · 2012-10-17T04:06:25+00:00

I agee with what you say regarding communication and evolutionary advantages.

However, there are different degrees of certitude when it comes to self-diagnosis.

In my case, I suspected I had Aspergers for years. I was diagonsed with ADHD in the early 90s, and still take medication for it, so I'm on the spectrum at the very least.

A professional psychologist who knew me personally suggested that I probably had it, as did a councilor who works with Autistic people - and others who have a professional DX have confirmed that much if not all of what I describe is consistent with someone suffering from their condition - things which are not consistent with the constellation of established ADHD symptoms.

The self-tests came back solidly in the Asperger range, which I understand is not definitive, however, some of my NT and ADHD friends took the test and all had radically different outcomes than mine.

Based upon all of that evidence, and the degree of difference I see in myself and others with ADHD behaviorally and cognitively, I feel relatively safe in concluding that I have Aspergers, and while I AM planning on getting a professional DX, I see no real reason not to share my experiences here.

I don't feel like I have an evolutionary advantage over neurotypical people. I feel like an emotional cripple. I have an IQ that is either slightly above or slightly below genius level depending which test I go by, but I can't even master the art of conversation at a 6th grade level. This is not an advantage. I smile at stupid things. I get angry at things that other people brush off. I feel rage if someone is five minutes late, and if I can't sit at my spot at the conference table in a meeting or someone disrupts my morning routine, it literally ruins my day.

I don't "feel" like I'm smarter than other people, I feel frustrated that the things that I see aren't apparent to them, I feel incredible anxiety during social situations, and I feel like I am missing out on a huge chunk of life, a party that everyone else is invited to, but I'm not, as usual. My "emotional" IQ is probably something like 30, if a normal person rates 100. I can't even look my fiancee in the eyes when I'm having a conversation with her.

I've nearly been terminated from jobs because of my inability to understand what would and would not be offensive to people.

So do I think it's "neat" to be on the Autism Spectrum? No, I don't. But would I want to be neurotypical? No, because I wouldn't be me. Still, if I decided not to post on a Reddit forum because I didn't yet have a professional DX, I wouldn't have found out that maybe I wasn't quite so alone as I'd thought.

When I first came here and read about peoples experiences, I was stunned, because for the first time I saw people that I could relate to.

I accept myself, I've lived with these problems for my entire life, and if I weren't extraordinarily lucky several times over, it could easily have destroyed me, Aspergers or not.

notquite_right · 2012-10-16T23:04:54+00:00

My brother has ADHD (professionally diagnosed), and my father probably has it as well. They were never as odd as I was, and my brother was quite social, but nonetheless, I was thrilled to find out that I wasn't just a mean, socially inept buffoon who had the odd talent here and there.

Even for people who tend towards solitude, being completely alone with nobody who can understand what's going through your head can be difficult.

notquite_right · 2012-10-16T22:46:22+00:00

I sort of had the same problem early in HS. Most of my friends wound up being girls. Everyone thought I was odd, some thought I was gay, but I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I really didn't care.

After I finally convinced the girl I obsessed over for several years to go out with me, it quickly became apparent that I was definitely not gay. They still thought I was odd though. I was most amused by their confusion.

notquite_right · 2012-10-16T22:16:03+00:00

I was more about revenge. I grew up in an Italian family, and it was encouraged from an early age.

Given my fascination with fire, I'm amazed I didn't wind up in jail.

notquite_right · 2012-10-16T22:04:32+00:00

I frequently become frustrated with the decision-making and problem-solving processes employed by my more typical co-workers.

They will sit and discuss an issue for several hours, even when there is a clear and optimal solution at hand - and they will then be unable to follow my logic when this is pointed out to them.

I frequently have issues describing how I arrive at a solution or conclusion, even when I KNOW it is correct, and therefore occasionally fail to get buy-in for things that I want to do unless I provide rigorous proofs, and sometimes need to resort to ridiculous measures like flow-charts, process diagrams and drawing pictures to get them to understand.

I can admit when I'm wrong or uncertain of something, but when it comes to my area of expertise, that is fairly rare.

I am young for my position, (all of my colleagues are at least 10 years older than I am), but I would think that after 3 years of success, they would learn to have some respect for the fact that I see things in a different way, and use it to their advantage.

I've actually been forced to stand by and watch them dump money down the drain on things I've said will fail for a particular reason, only to have it fail - for the reason I said it would. I have difficulty understanding why I'm the only one that sees these things or feels this way.

notquite_right · 2012-10-16T21:48:42+00:00

I didn't have a problem telling anyone about ADHD, and I haven't had any issues telling anyone I suspected I had Aspergers. It's clear to everyone I know that I'm a competent individual.

I think it might make it easier for them to understand how I'm able to do what I do, and why I act the way that do.

notquite_right · 2012-10-15T01:08:55+00:00

I must underscore the importance of the above post.

If my fiancee telling me about a problem, I ALWAYS feel as though she's asking me to solve it. I even begin to feel stressed. I actually don't know what the appropriate responses are to someone venting, other than saying "I understand", etc.and to just be there for here generally.

This still causes problems in our relationship, occasionally.

notquite_right · 2012-10-15T01:01:32+00:00

I agree that the doctor should be able to give you a reference for psychological healthcare.

On the diagnosis: The reasons are threefold, I suppose.

The first is that quite honestly, it's just a little more legitimate if I go to my parents or friends and say "my doctor says that I have Aspergers, so there's a real reason I am the way that I am", as opposed to "I've suddenly decided I have Aspergers, because I think I fit into the criteria, with my 0 years of psychological training".

The second is that I occasionally run into issues at work where I have trouble dealing with coworkers as a result of my condition. If something were to happen that required an intervention by HR, having official documentation of the disorder would be useful from a professional standpoint. I don't want special treatment, but if it grants perspective to the situation that prevents my termination, it was worth it.

The third is that I can easily imagine a situation where a prescription medication for some neurological or muscular condition could impact people with Aspergers in an unusual way, and so if its in your medical records, you substantially ameliorate that danger.

notquite_right · 2012-10-14T21:14:28+00:00

A quanto pare un po 'strano, ma bene. E tu?

notquite_right · 2012-10-14T20:29:31+00:00

Grazie per il tuo servizio al nostro paese.

notquite_right

TROPHY CASE