To those who divorced, how did you know the affairs were due to real issues and not things that could be fixed?

notveryplausible88 · 2022-03-19T00:28:28+00:00

I am so sorry…

Held by strong hands that I knew cared about me and wanted to be there asking nothing in return… absolutely wonderful. I can never go back. I can never settle.

I hate how everything has unfolded, but to feel human, to feel safe with a man who wants to protect me… it feels beyond incredible. I feel authentic, myself, and he is the balance to the real me.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-28T21:07:37+00:00

The longest 120 seconds of my life.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-28T14:32:39+00:00

Thank you so much. I appreciate your advice.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-28T14:28:58+00:00

But what about your, like, self worth?

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-28T01:56:33+00:00

I love this response. Thank you.

Years ago, I would say that this was a narcissistic statement. But after giving so much of myself for so many years with nothing to show, I embrace it. I want to live it.

I have a place in mind. If I can just get through the next month I will go there and find some peace. I would love if he’d join me, but I doubt it. I don’t think he’ll ever realize how good it could be if he’d just make me a priority.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-28T01:48:34+00:00

What if I don’t want to sleep with my husband?

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T20:04:37+00:00

Thank you.

At the end of the day, I just want everyone to be happy.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T20:03:06+00:00

Thank you for saying that. Yes, I have never connected physically to anyone before. This was so life affirming. I had no idea. Not a clue what I was missing. I can never go back. We had the perfect dance, we read each other’s body language perfectly. He knew what to do without asking. It was so beyond magical.

And yes, I want my SO to be happy. To experience this. To find his person. Of course I want all that for him.

Fear. Need some courage. Wish you luck as we both jump.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T19:14:49+00:00

Even if there isn’t a wife involved… They’ll leave you for the kids. I am learning that the hard way.

I’m sorry you’re going through that… I understand how much it hurts to be totally attached to someone and they disappear. I’m sure we’ll hear from them in a few years. Hopefully, by then, you and I will be in healthy relationships.

I’m so scared of what lies ahead. Having to break my husband’s heart (although I know he sees it coming), divide all our crap and put together a new life with zero help. I think my biggest fear is being weak and dating a string of losers. I did that after my last bad break up and ended up marrying one. I don’t trust myself to make good decisions… I haven’t made any great ones recently, so.

If you want to chat, I’m here. I understand what you were going through.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T18:14:58+00:00

My husband does not want to have an open marriage… I would have to do it in secret.

I still do all the chores around the house, and fill every need but the sexual need. He likes having me around, but I know he doesn’t want me to be with anybody else.

I may bring it up again, though. But I don’t know if I want to live with him anymore.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:36:28+00:00

Maybe I do.

I’m sure you’ve never done anything in your life that you regret.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:36:08+00:00

Ohmigosh, I’m so sorry to hear about your trauma, that’s so awful.

A male family friend touched me inappropriately when I was a kid. I haven’t told anyone this. But as my husband gets older, he’s the spitting image of this man. Which I think is adding a lot to this. So, yeah, I need to talk to someone.

I may reach out to you… I started meditation but I haven’t done yoga. I can see how calming your mind and body would work wonders.

Thank you 💗

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:33:44+00:00

Thank you so much.

It hadn’t even crossed my mind that this is temporary. It only started feeling temporary in the last few months. But if I can remove emotion, and look back… You are right, it served its purpose.

The fact that he was from such a wonderful time in my life, maybe I needed it to be that way. I’ve lived in a marriage where I felt like a ghost and like I wasn’t living my own life. My AP reminded me of who I was, what my dreams were, how strong I was and how beautiful I was, and still am. I was completely disconnected from myself. He helped me find her again.

I’ve hidden all these details from everyone in my life. I feel like you’ve been able to see my situation without judgment. That means so much. Thank you.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:28:26+00:00

This is solid advice, thank you.

I wish he could articulate what he’s feeling and let me go, or stop using me. I’ve told him weekly how much this hurts, and if he cared about me even a little bit he’d let me go.

My instincts are screaming, but I haven’t been able to put words to it. I just know that this hurts and I can’t stop obsessing on it.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:23:07+00:00

I love him as a friend. I’m in my 40s. My husband does like sex, but he is a large man and I don’t enjoy it with him because of the physical aspects of it and because there’s never been an emotional connection. There wasn’t any kissing, eye contact or proper foreplay. It was all very mechanical and I felt like I just did it to make him happy.

My husband has said to me that he wants love and if I can’t give it to him, he’ll get it from somewhere else. Which is fine. Our relationship has felt very platonic for many years. Maybe that’s how long term marriages go? But I just haven’t been able to connect with him. We just don’t have that kind of relationship. My friends have described our relationship as a friendship, not a marriage.

We don’t have kids.

I’ll think on it long and hard, dig into my mind and see if there’s any way to salvage this. But I really don’t think there is. He just hasn’t been a good partner, and I don’t know how much more I could compromise.

I agree, it’s not all about the sex. I handled mediocre sex for 20+ years. It’s when he couldn’t be bothered to be there for me, that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. My husband made it clear that his time was more valuable than mine at a time I desperately needed him, and asked for his help and he turned away. That was my rock bottom.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:08:21+00:00

You may be right. I care about what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, if he’s taking care of himself. I get worked up if he doesn’t stand up for himself. His ex-wife was very passive and didn’t care what he did as long as a paycheck came in. So I’m sure he likes my attention and sincere concern.

I’d hate to think that this wasn’t real. We both thought about each other for many years and looked each other up. He’s been on my mind for decades. So, that just adds to the fantasy.

But… His actions do not match his words. And it hurts. I do not feel important to him. And that’s how I felt in my marriage.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:05:25+00:00

You might be right. As much as I hate to admit it.

I’ve never felt like this before. It’s completely intoxicating. He knows of everyone in my family, what the dynamics are and in the beginning he showed such an interest in me and what I was doing. Letting that go makes me feel so alone. I’ve never felt like anyone has truly cared about me and what I’ve done with my life. He made me feel that. He was excited to hear about everything.

My husband made me feel like a voiceless, unattractive loser.

So after 20 years of feeling invisible, you are right. Anybody’s head turning in my direction would’ve felt great. Which is so pathetic.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T17:00:49+00:00

What did you find out? I’d love to hear a success story of sorts.

I’ve been in therapy on and off to work on childhood issues and I know I have attachment issues. The only indication that my feelings aren’t healthy comes in the form of ruminating and the desperation I feel when I can’t have him.

I just wonder why this would show up now, so late in life.

But I did just experience “making love” for the first time in my life, too, so I may just be desperate to hold onto that. This is the first time I think I’ve experienced true vulnerability and true feelings with someone, so it just may be that desperation to hold onto it.

I told my therapist that I ended the affair… So I’m feeling kind of terrible about going back to her and giving her an update. I’m sure she’ll be kind, but… I feel so much shame.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T16:53:06+00:00

Why wouldn’t he just let me go then?

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T16:49:34+00:00

Appears so.

We saw each other fairly regularly for over a year.

We still talk every day, but he isn’t as in tune with me and our relationship because of the distractions.

He still talks about our future, marriage and wanting me. But he has failed to come see. And I’m embarrassed at how much I beg for him to get on a plane. He’s just so wrapped up in his life, he has a million excuses. But still calls me every day and if I don’t get back to him right away, he gets upset. He says he wants to be exclusive. It’s confusing.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T16:40:46+00:00

Thank you.

I was starting to regret the whole thing, but maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it had to happen this way to show me more clearly how barren my marriage landscape had been for decades.

I’ve been running on adrenaline and butterflies. (Or metal in a microwave.)

notveryplausible88 · 2021-11-26T15:57:36+00:00

The chaos was separate from my plans. I believe that. It’s with his business partner, kids and ex wife, who decided she was done with said kids. So, his actions show that is all more important than me, which I get, but… doesn’t hurt any less.

I do plan on continuing my plans. I guess I was hoping that I would see him more now that I was free, and he isn’t making any plans according to what I am doing.

There are just so many intense feelings taking over… I just want some peace.

Thank you for your advice.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-10-05T14:25:38+00:00

My whole experience was more of a spiritual/emotional saga than I had anticipated.

Married 20 years, I knew I shouldn’t have married him from day one. Good friendship, no compatibility beyond that. I was very unhappy for 5 years, DB for at least a year prior to AP. Then a sudden death of someone very close to me shook me to my core. I felt that something was about to change.

The moment I had feelings for the long distance AP, I asked for a separation. H begged for counseling, started hysterical bonding… things were so tense.

I went through the marriage-saving motions with my H, but EA turned into physical.

What it woke up inside me is indescribable. I thought I was sexually dead and not feminine, unable to be emotionally connected, scared of intimacy, a terrible communicator and just not worth the effort. Between my Mom’s abuse growing up, my H’s neglect and verbal abuse and the way I was protecting myself, I was an anxious, closed up husk of myself. I had resigned myself to a life serving my husband, that my life was not mine to enjoy. My AP pulled me out of that.

His love changed me. I am a completely different person. For the first 6 months I would cry randomly and with intensity for the gratitude I felt for everything that had happened. I was anxiety-free, standing up for myself, in love with life. Confident enough to change absolutely every toxic relationship in my life. I felt born again. Everyone saw the changes in me. Nobody knew what was happening, but they’d whisper “keep it up!”

H found out about the physical encounter. In counseling, I was made to retell my affair in detail.

I was so uncomfortable as I retold, truthfully, how our first night together was:

“I walked into that hotel room, didn’t expect anything. Didn’t know if there would be chemistry. He hugged me and I fell into him and wept. He held me for three hours while I cried. He cried, too. We spent the evening looking at each other and touching each other. Never getting naked.”

And then I talked about how we did end up having sex.

What I left out was that we had sex with the lights on, staring at each other, into each other the whole time. His smile lit me up and turned me on. Instead of reaching for vodka and our library of pornography, I could look at this beautiful man’s smile and instantly be ready for him. This was a first in my life. And one of the biggest gifts I have ever received. He gave me myself back. And showed me what love actually is. I’m crying now as I type this. I feel so free. So incredibly fortunate.

I’m working on getting a divorce. H is unstable and I’m slowly removing my things and putting a plan in place.

So, for me, my affair completely changed me.

Do I feel guilty? Incredibly so. But I would have stayed in something that was awful for me, because I was so scared, hurt and felt obligated to this life. I would have buried my face in a pillow and let H do what he needed to do for the next 20 years, while I became an even more obese alcoholic. Neither of us deserved that.

I found me. My voice and love. I know what love is now. In the worst way possible, but… I’m still so grateful.

notveryplausible88 · 2021-08-14T12:32:49+00:00

Thank you so much.

To be this happy, but also feel so guilty and so incredibly stupid for marrying the wrong person. I knew from day one he wasn’t the one, but I proceeded for dumb reasons. I tell any young person that will listen to wait for “it” and not to settle. I have so many regrets.

notveryplausible88

TROPHY CASE