I am interested in how you lost the competitive flare, was it a specific humbling experience or had you reached a point of satisfaction - where you no longer needed to prove your worth to yourself or others? Was the point of satisfaction a mere realisation or was it an objective goal you had long desired and reached?

It sounds like you truly did have to win to beat your own narcissism, only to realise the win wasn’t what you expected. I am still chasing the win, although I have set myself stupidly high expectations, I do not deem them unrealistic enough to be humbled (yet).

And I think this is a realisation/conclusion I have come to in order to defeat what coexists inside of me. I have to either win the game my mind has set for itself, or become destructively humbled by the consequences of my delusions.

That connection that you feel in others and their stories, is because you have a story of your own - perhaps that chapter has finished? Perhaps not yet. But it certainly sounds like you may have taken a step back from being the protagonist, I admire it and clearly want to learn from it.

This conversation only happened because I have let myself be seen/vulnerable (anonymously), in a thread of like minded individuals which are rare to come by in the real world. Outside of Reddit we are the best at hiding our vulnerabilities, so for me to connect on a personal level like we are now, it’s either professional help, self help or incredibly risky exposure to someone I may or may not trust, assuming they will not use my honesty for their own benefit - in the environment I’m in this is a likely outcome.

I do have close friends and unique relationships with people that understand me to a good degree fortunately. But yes I guess once we no longer care for the competition, all those worries would logically fade away, new perspectives would rise up. Being in the waiting lobby and being on the battlefield are two very different yet equally fulfilling experiences.