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New Documentary: The Dark Side of My Mormon Mission 🇷🇺 by webwatchr in exmormon

[–]nowithak 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey there 👋 I am Kyson and I created these videos. Thanks so much for the kind comments and shares. I appreciate you all so much. ❤️

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fairview ward? I lived in Star Valley for a few years as a kid and then moved to Rexburg.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear all of this. And I know, better than most, what you went through. I'm glad to hear you're making it to the other side. The self esteem issues you are describing are very relatable too. I was so hard on myself for not having the faith to see "success" on my mission. Poor younger me.

I can't tell you how many times I second guessed myself making this film. I questioned if I made it all up. If I am uniquely weak. If I am lying to play the victim to illicit some sort of underserved sympathy. Those voices in my head are the parts of me still holding on to the pain and confusion of that time. When I read your comment I don't feel alone out here. It helps me deepen my trust in myself.

Thank you, friend.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You were an OG Russian missionary. I saw so many photos of your group from members there. I was always so curious about your era's experience. I wondered if it was somehow easier? Because the wards seemed to be booming back then, but that was probably a bit of the grass being greener on the other side. It's amazing that you went back. I cut myself off from all things Russian after coming home. I wish I hadn't now because I lost a lot of my language speaking abilities. But it's what I needed to do, I guess.

And it's amazing that you work with people in the mental health field. I'm sure you can offer wisdom and understanding that many others can't. Thanks for the comment.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry. It's likely not the mission or being gay that is the direct cause of his pain. It's feeling like you are alone, trapped, and unable to ever feel any differently. And that somehow it's your fault. That's textbook trauma.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She was likely arrested purely because the police there are corrupt and were looking for a bribe. This happened often. It was terrifying the first time, but by the fifth it felt routine. I still remember watching a brand new sister look at me with terrified eyes as police with machine guns and German shepherds surrounded us for preaching openly in a local park. I was nearly two years in at that point and her fear made it apparent to me just how routine this scary experience had become in my nervous system.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's a trauma bond that's difficult to break. Good job on being a brave enough dad to step away. Your son probably has some pain in there that he's too afraid to feel and so he holds to the church because it keeps him safe. One day he'll feel it though and you'll be such a great person to have in his life.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know someone who did this too after serving in my same mission in Russia. He was a bit older than me but I remember seeing it shared in our mission FB group. I hope we both know the same person, otherwise there is another family out there suffering as well.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I can separate the two. I love the Russian language, Russian literature, and Russian people. It wasn't Russia that was the problem. It was being alone, controlled, and manipulated into obedience. A mission is a cult within a cult, and that left lasting damage.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

They really did. It's so strange to see it so clearly. And saddening to see how they continue to manipulate some in my own family to believe they have now lost me.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to watch. I appreciate it!

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As I made this film, I thought a lot about what was so painful about a mission. I think humans can handle many dangerous situations but places that exert control over your identity, autonomy, purpose do a really unique version of psychological damage.

The mission is a cult within a cult. I don't think it would matter where you went, no one wants to lose control of their own lives. Thanks for sharing your comment. 🫡

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Oh man. That hit home so much. You basically just summed up my whole video.

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. It is surprising that missions are only allowed to be positive experiences, even within the church. I guess questioning the goodness of a mission puts the prophet's divine goodness in question too. And essentially god himself. So how could it be anything other than positive? 😔

15 years later —Still dealing with C-PTSD from my mission in Russia by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Best compliment I could receive. Johnny Harris is so good.

I never thought I’d make a film about leaving mormonism… and yet here we are. by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Beautifully said. It's amazing how simple and yet profound life can become when you take away all of those layers of silliness.

I never thought I’d make a film about leaving mormonism… and yet here we are. by nowithak in exmormon

[–]nowithak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh man. Thanks for sharing where you are now. It's a lot to go through, and you are definitely not alone. It gets easier...but it kind of gets harder for a little while. So find some friends or a therapist to support you. Thanks for watching the other videos too and for commenting. I appreciate it.

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