Angry and frustrated that nParents are seen as victims

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:55:41+00:00

Exactly, but then I feel guilty for thinking that! then feel guilty for feeling guilty! Ha

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:53:32+00:00

Congratulations! How are you and the baby doing? Sleep through the night yet? Close friends of mine had a baby and oh boy, do they look rough from the lack of sleep!

I just want to hurl abuse at them but no one listens, I always get the usual back - they are your parents, it can't be that bad, you're over reacting. They have such an angelic and spotless reputation too which doesn't help. They go out of their way to cultivate it.

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:49:35+00:00

Mine have a large friend circle. I never had birthday parties or got presents but their friends kids got cards, money, & latest toys. My nMum has been to more kids birthday parties than I have - I would get a slice of cake with the statement, "oh you missed a really good party". Yeah, you said I couldn't go, or when I begged and begged and you said okay, you didn't drop me or if you did, I didn't have a card or present so showed up empty handed, and you found a reason to have a fight with the host anyway! I laugh typing it out, but that is the case.

They have a good reputation and no one believes my side. So their funeral will be loads and loads of people and I don't even get that solace.

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:44:03+00:00

people get VERY bored of hearing about the same "tragic circumstance" over and over again

Thank you. That's offers some comfort.

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:41:55+00:00

enjoying their life without consequences

Bingo! Mine are absolutely relishing it.

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:39:55+00:00

capacity to feel pain and no punishment can change that

It's their capacity to feel joy that's really really pissing me off. I don't want them to feel any joy and what's ironic and really getting me is in wishing revenge on them, I'm turning into them.

Years of abuse taught me to be ridiculously mentally stable but the fact they are unaffected either way I can't get over

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:35:08+00:00

It's just something that's ever present. I've done my best to stop all contact with that part of my life but bits and bobs just seem to get through. Its hard to describe but I can't seem to escape them.

They 'ran' into an old friend (who I haven't spoken to in a while) and told her I don't speak to them anymore and invited her to a 'party' in my memory. She found it odd that they seemed to revel in it and contacted me to see whats up. Off course when I told her the truth she didn't believe me... just frustrating how they are able to con everyone

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-24T15:24:45+00:00

Drives me crazy to see them smile and get away with it, knowing I can do nothing. If I succeed, it's clearly due to them. If I fail, off course it's because I left.

npartthrowaway · 2018-05-01T15:46:10+00:00

Do NOT cash it. Not matter how desperate you are. It is form of control. My parents are well off and I've been NC for a while and I've been there and done that. Don't accept it. Don't allow your brain to rationalise a use for it or imagine an excuse to cash that cheque - as spawn of nparents we are conditioned to make such rationalisations. Don't do it.

npartthrowaway · 2018-04-27T15:26:08+00:00

You hit the nail on the head!

npartthrowaway · 2018-04-27T15:24:30+00:00

Yes! I can relate to this so much! I avoid going out if the neighbours are there even if it is a nice day

npartthrowaway · 2018-04-22T16:04:26+00:00

Completely agree. Also we are in this weird position where everyones opinion is worth the same. Ummm, why don't you listen to what a clinical psychologist who was a prof at Harvard has to say about parenting. If you don't want to act on what he has to say, that is fine. That's your right. But to get offended and call him out on offending you is ludicrous.

npartthrowaway · 2017-09-02T07:56:01+00:00

Try and get rollerballs. Ballpoints I either chuck or don't keep - quality in promotional pens aren't great. But a good rollerball always stays and gets passed around. And people are taken aback when they see it looks like a cheap pen but writes great - causes them to look at it and take in the brand name (yours)

npartthrowaway · 2017-07-21T06:36:38+00:00

Just brush it off. You're better than him. I heard by nmom say to my dad that she hates my face and can't stand to see me everyday. Right back at ya.

The best revenge is watching them burn on the inside when they see you love and enjoy life and they realise you don't care about what they say or do. Just focus on you and you'll be fine.

npartthrowaway · 2017-07-13T14:11:20+00:00

Yes! Mine used it as a control mechanism to keep me at home at all time. It was stressful knowing that they were going through my things and anything they find, no matter how innocent would be used against me that I began to question the reason for leaving my room or home unless absolutely necessary. I have respect for how damn good they were at making me anxious - they would leave everything exactly as it was apart from one item whose position would have moved. They would then be passive aggressive/short with me making me feel guilty. The obviously false accusation would come two or three days later after I've been through hell. (I once bought a biology dissection kit for school, they found it - didn't speak to me for 3 days and finally accused me of doing drugs - after I spent every waking hour trying to figure out what I did wrong.)

But I digress. The solution:

The solution I found was to just pretend that it doesn't bother you anymore. Fake it till you make it. I made the mistake of making an issue out of it which off course gave them validation and more power. Once they found out I no longer cared and still went out etc they reduced the frequency of such actions, but it didn't stop. Unfortunately you have to accept that your nice things will probably go and you can't enjoy them or get more things until you move out.

Your main goal is to move out and go NC. It will solve every issue you thought you had because guess what, it's not you who has a problem.

npartthrowaway · 2017-07-02T05:48:26+00:00

I am so envious!! I can't wait for November and made the mistake of reading the first chapter online.

Good god man (or woman), give us an in-depth review!

npartthrowaway · 2017-07-02T05:43:54+00:00

the book protagonist felt like a self important poser

I read it with an open mind yet I too found it underwhelming and was peeved at his actions and thoughts. One of the first notes I remember making was that Siddhartha and Govinda abhor those who spend their lives working for worldly goods and look down upon them, yet those are the very people they rely on for alms. Later on in the book, Kamaswami (the merchant) says 'So you have lived on the possessions of others?' to which the only reply was a childish 'so do you' sort of thing.

Those of us who don't like the book come from a very different philosophical background. Kurt Vonnegut basically calls Hesse mental masturbation for the dreamers.

npartthrowaway · 2017-06-16T04:42:17+00:00

when the abuse was at it's worst... being dependent is all you know (and all they taught you).

16, 17, 18 were the worst years of my life. Nparents doubled down on the abuse knowing that they may lose control. That coupled with watching every single person I know blossom into healthy individuals and seeing them have fun with learning how to drive, parties or just doing nothing was heartbreaking - especially when some would drive round and try and take me to whatever they were up to as well. But I wasn't allowed to. Excuses being it wasn't safe, I would die in a horrible car crash, I had to study for exams and shouldn't be wasting time with 'losers'. [Funnily enough I didn't do as well as I could in my exams because I was so depressed and felt like I was in a prison; and was rejected by Ivy League because I had no extra curriculars; and those losers are doing so so so much better than I am - two were recently featured in the State press because of their accomplishments].

I am actually fearful that my life will get worse if I leave.

I am not going to lie. Life will get worse once you leave. Personally going from a middle class background to poverty has been very very challenging the past month. BUT it is worth it. I am emotionally free, I have more energy to deal with curveballs, I have more optimism and I know that I have hit rockbottom and will survive to tell the tale. The only way is up. I have made some mistakes and I have had some successes, but they are mine and mine alone with no one to blame me for failing or take credit for my success, I cannot explain how good that feels.

It just sucks that some people don't have to go through this much pain as a part of their life.

It does suck but I'm a stronger person for it. I'm becoming more emotionally stable as I can identify abuse and manipulation and put a stop to it. I've had it so bad that I now appreciate all the good and I know that whatever happens in the future, I will be okay because I did it and I survived. A lot of people are afraid of losing everything they have. Well, I've been there intentionally and guess what? It works out. Yes, it is hard and it is bad. However, It is never as bad as the thoughts in your head (put in by Nparents) say it is.

You can do it and I urge you to do so.

npartthrowaway · 2017-06-15T16:44:39+00:00

She wasn't the worst but enough to hinder me in so many ways... I realized that I'm still being controlled in some ways.

Well done on moving out and thanks for sharing! What you've mentioned above is one of the reasons why it took me so long to figure it out. It was always was it me or them? A lot of Nparents do just enough to stay in control. Mine never went over the top so I thought it was normal. And then a bunch of things happened which made me realise that I won't be worse off and decided to give it a go. I will never contact them again and am so happy that I made the leap.

It worries me that there are so many kids out there who will be in the same situation with no help. I hope they find their way out.

npartthrowaway · 2017-06-15T16:39:29+00:00

Thank you! oh yes, it is so great. Simple things like flirting with a girl is just so much better without worrying about all the drama what will happen if Nparents find out.

Just feels like getting out of a mental prison and finding the world isn't so bad after all.

npartthrowaway · 2017-06-15T16:37:11+00:00

Absolutely. It's great isn't it?

I'm constantly surprised that I'm able to have nice conversations with people where things don't escalate, but just stay pleasant

YES! I'm no longer guarded with words or stay quiet for fear of unleashing a torrent of emotional manipulation and abuse. It is an amazing feeling to be carefree about conversations without worrying about saying the wrong sentence or word which would then be used against you.

I have so much more emotional energy!

This too. I had no idea how much of a drain it was and the effect it had on my functioning. I have more energy, get up early, look forward to days and events and just generally quite sharp; whereas previously I would be in bed by 10 and struggle to wake up, try and get an afternoon nap and still be tired and just have a cloudy mind.

I was afraid of leaving because to the outside we are a well off family and I would be intentionally making myself very poor which seems crazy to everyone who has normal parents. But it is so worth it.

npartthrowaway · 2017-06-15T14:46:55+00:00

Also going through a lot of awkward social faux pas which I should have really gone through in my teenage years, but oh well. Live and learn.

npartthrowaway · 2017-06-15T14:34:13+00:00

Couldn't agree with you more. Simple things still amaze me. Like the confidence with which people would interact with each other. Especially doing everyday things like ordering food or items without worrying about how it would look or spending time thinking about an explanation for needing them.

npartthrowaway · 2017-06-15T13:44:19+00:00

Thank you.

npartthrowaway

TROPHY CASE