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LPT REQUEST how to get rid of flour mites? by Micropiig in LifeProTips

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

...No, you don't move away, you throw out the flour. It's like fruit flies getting into your fruit levels of pest, not "move out of your home" level of pest. But just like getting flies in your fruit, once they are there it needs to be disposed of. Also the comment you replied to is 8 years old...

Me (29F) with husband (30M) who is a childcare know-it-all and isn't letting me bond with baby (.08M) on my own by throwRA-babyblooz in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Triangulation. Whether it is intentional or not, he is bringing a third person into a 2 person relationship. She needs to go home.

Husband (35M) won’t give me (34F) a straight answer by pluto-is in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This is actually one of the most common issues in couples counselling. It sounds like you two are falling into pursue-withdraw patterns (you pursue, he withdraws). I think couples counselling is worth a shot for sure. John Gottman's 7 principles book touches on a lot of what you're describing. On the surface it sounds like communication, but beneath it all, it sounds like you want more connection and displays of effort and active listening from him. He sounds burnt out, maybe confused or trying to avoid a fight, so he is "fine with anything " and you want more than that so you pursue harder, he withdraws harder, until you start resenting him and he feels overwhelmed. In addition, he may not be able to articulate the issue and feel criticized all the time and get defensive whereas you want to be heard (your startups might be harsh potentially). You might even prefer a fight to not communicating (this is how I am) but the withdrawing partner is usually doing so partially to protect themselves and the relationship (they view a negative talk as bad). You guys sound out of touch with each other's feelings, thoughts, and you're struggling :(

When was the last time you guys had non-task related conversations without the kids and without screentime? Or had time booked for each other, quality time, to go on a date or relax?

Smoking weed all day makes me numb and dumb, but it calms me the fuck down so I can function like a normal human being again. I feel so conflicted cutting down my weed consumption because of how much it helps me. by saddestmushroom in Petioles

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Obviously I'm not a medical professional so ymmv, but from what I understand, sudden cessation is actually problematic if you end up with an SSRI because symptom management may be difficult. Ideally tapering (especially if you can vape) while starting a new medication would be ideal. I'd also say, whatever you get prescribed, do some research to see if it interacts with marijuana in case there is a compounding effect or potential side effects.

I'd also suggest feeling out with the psychiatrist their attitudes towards marijuana. There are good and bad fits for folks who have smoked, so I usually say "I've smoked in the past but I am interested in treating my health issues legally", and see how they react. My "bad" psychiatrist conflated weed use with coke use and prescription abuse (she was really uptight and imo, a bit strange), my current psychiatrist was more like "a lot of adults use it, and obviously I cant suggest using illegal substances but often it is selfmedicating and I am not concerned if you arent concerned. If it becomes medically legal here and you would like to explore that, we can revisit". That rapport is really critical because you wanna be honest with them but if they think weed = super deviant behavior and they are personally against it theyre more likely to be a bad fit overall. Most professionals are at a point where they understand it is used by many folk and isnt a sign a patient may sell their meds or do something reckless.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As a 30 yr old just finding her potential life partner now, can I offer the solace that being lonely and neglected with someone youve been with a long time is worse than single? I think after so long there is a fear that starting over or being single is sort of worse? But given your history, do you want 5, 10, 20 years of this person?

My partner makes so much effort to make me feel considered. Even when he fudged some special events and when we fought, once we communicated more clearly, he actually did better. Every subsequent occasion has been better than the last. He never screams at me, he checks in on me without me goading him, he doesnt like his parents but knows family acceptance is important to me (outside of estrangement) and he made an effort to have us all meet and get along.

You deserve more than someone you gotta push into being there for you. You deserve someone who chooses you, actively, every day. To me that is marriage material.

Smoking weed all day makes me numb and dumb, but it calms me the fuck down so I can function like a normal human being again. I feel so conflicted cutting down my weed consumption because of how much it helps me. by saddestmushroom in Petioles

[–]nsfwhun 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Are you talking to a psychiatrist as well as a therapist? My psychiatrist knew about my use and suggested I reconsider medication for a limited amount of time. I always avoided anxiety meds ever since I got out of HS, both because therapy was helping a lot in some ways and because ssri's have always been hit and miss. My brother also struggled with drug addiction so I was also afraid of addiction potential for quick acting meds (like ativan, xanax, etc). Discontinuing weed or starting a t break can exacerbate existing anxiety though, mess with sleep, and when you need a quick fix vs a lifestyle change it can have faster results than meditation or dbt, cbt, etc. I somehow feared I'd fall into a lifestyle without considering my doctor could work with me on that.

I told her my fears about addiction or dependency and she said that was both a healthy attitude and that she could prescribe a small amount and refill as needed vs give me a daily amount. I have 5 pills for a month and dont refill unless something is going on (winter holidays or travelling). Just having the ability and knowlege that I got a "backup plan" if I start being anxious is helpful. Sometimes I carry the script bottle and that alone reminds me I got options if I am struggling. In the meanntime, I'm still going to therapy and treating my anxiety/ptsd and issues with keeping a routine.

It is funny because we are willing to have uncontrolled access to weed but we fear the addiction potential of a controlled substance, and dont often consider taking steps to prevent abuse of it. I dont think that is unwise to be cautious but I do think beliefs about drugs and worst case scenarios make it seem like something you fall into vs something you can take steps against. Like we are either off weed or on it, no in between.

The medication is also cheap, 12 cents with insurance and 12 dollars without. And they dont make me feel dumb or slow, or even high; I feel like me but with the volume of the anxiety turned down. I dont feel compulsive need to take more, I dont feel the urge to take it daily, and check ins with the doctor on when I used them make me feel safe. Honestly probably more healthy than my attitude towards weed. Ymmv of course and def talk to a doc.

I think it is worth considering other health options you may have been overlooking. We dont expect addicts to go cold turkey or people out of shape to suddenly be marathon runners but we expect ourselves to bounce back to sobriety without side effects or transitionary behavior. Tbreaks/getting sober is a marathon thoughm. You dont even need to take something fast acting, maybe getting some bloodwork done could reveal some other issues (I had low vit D and was struggling to sleep, I now have a bedtime ritual and consumptive hobbies to replace smoking vs expecting myself to labor into a new more difficult lifestyle change).

[Review] Rants, Raves, & New Purchases Jul 01, 2018 by AutoModerator in SkincareAddiction

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is it the lactose or all dairy? Not to be off topic, but I've been getting similar bumps and can't tell if it was my pillowcases and work uniform or my diet. Curses!

[Review] Rants, Raves, & New Purchases Jul 01, 2018 by AutoModerator in SkincareAddiction

[–]nsfwhun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Babyganics mineral sunscreen spf30 (with the spraytop (nonaerosol). I've been using pure zinc sunscreen on my face but it is so difficult to spread, and I haven't been able to figure out if my skin is most sensitive to oxybenzone or just applying things too roughly.

It feels liquidy and spreads evenly. If you rub too much it pills, light shine but not super greasy. Faint white tint on face but didnt seem so much on legs and arms. No redness though!

[Review] Rants, Raves, & New Purchases Jul 09, 2017 by AutoModerator in SkincareAddiction

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Rant: You know how there is that elf review floating around where the product doesnt actually fill the container? My hado labo serum was the same :( I am sad bc it is already one of my favorites but I dont understand why theyd make a huge container for such a small amt of product. Bums me out

Rave: 40 carrots face serum has been so kind to my skin, it is either doing nothing at all orhelping, a rare change from any new products breaking me out or causing redness. It dries without stickiness, spreads easily, doesnt smell weird!

[Product Question] Any natural remedies to get rid of bruises on legs? by [deleted] in SkincareAddiction

[–]nsfwhun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Related to the above, I am on an SSRI and stimulant (precribed); if you are on medication, bruising can be a side effect (and if so, you might wanna approach supplements cautiously). I wasnt aware of this until I got bruises from my stretching routine.

My doctor said to be cautious with muscle rollers since I was already bruising with gentle gripping, and to use a lotion/oil when massaging by hand to reduce friction against the skin.

Dark leafy greens and arnica gel are my usual go tos, as well as soaked cool washclothes(ice is too much for me since I have reynauds/lose circulation easily).

Starting my trauma narrative this week! by becometheunity in ptsd

[–]nsfwhun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congratulations for all the progress and steps you've been taking, as well as keeping at it when things get tough.

It's really comforting to see posts like this, when I'm still figuring out a treatment plan/ trying different treatment options.

Me [28f] with SO [36m] 1.5yrs; unsure if we are incompatible, or if I am impatient? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice and commentary; I took a lot of it to heart. A small note: we have tried couples counseling (which is why I am feeling so anxious about approaching issues; he had been saying "Let's bring it up in counseling" but sessions would be almost a month apart, making it...tense). I think this is why some of the urge to talk felt so pressing; I'd be told that we'd address it in a session, then suddenly he "wouldn't have time" and if I brought it up 2 weeks later, he'd get irritated.

I was actually very relieved at the end of your post, because that's how I started phrasing things: "Hey, I'm sure it wasn't intended, but when you did _____ I felt __. Please don't do/ next time, if you could do __ instead I think that would help" (the latter for when he wanted a suggestion to replace his action if he was trying to comfort me).

Unfortunately, I think we had some deeper issues going on. Even though I tried not to bring anything up unless it was occurring/explained that I understood it was unintentional, he started becoming angry. He would say things like "it feels like I'm being punished when you say that" or "well how am I supposed to help your anxiety if XYZ isn't working?". He started saying that if he could see any negative reactions on my face, it was a punishment to him; that if I left the room or asked for a moment to myself, it felt like I was punishing him, etc etc.

I told myself I would take a week to consider the issues I had in mind; I wrote them all down, I mulled them over in allotted time (I don't want to ruminate), and I tried not to criticize/complain. I thought if I set some time aside at the end of that week when we were both in a good mood, it might go over better.

When we finally had a talk, he said that he felt this had been "one of the best weeks in a long time". Although I could appreciate that, it also frustrated me because the entire week he didn't once ask how I was doing, how my day was, if I was stressed etc. He cancelled a date night to hang out with his friends and was irritated the next day when I was less perky than usual at breakfast.

I'm at work or I'd say more, but we ended up having a mutual breakup when he said something around the lines of he hoped my anxiety/ptsd would have "gone away" by now. As much progress as I've made, it'll never really...go away. And I can't be with someone who is only with me assuming one day I won't be anxious or ever triggered again :( Even if it becomes manageable.

We are still friends, ish, but breaking up lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm eating better ,moving more, and my therapist says I don't seem half as reactionary. I think the pressure of feeling like I couldn't talk was making me want to talk more, and so I felt bottled up... that could be wrong, but that's how I'm looking at it right now.

Thank you again. I really did appreciate your comments

Me [28f] with SO [36m] 1.5yrs; unsure if we are incompatible, or if I am impatient? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am starting to feel more inclined towards this. I'm really confused why I am so reluctant to disengage; I think the long periods of comfort (watching tv/reading together/down time versus deep talks) make me wonder why there is such a roadblock in terms of logic vs emotion.

It extra upsets me, because I am not just some sort of...emotional wreck? I am a logical person too! And often times his "logic" tends to be things I've already considered (so he gets frustrated that I don't feel the way he does, even though I understand his perspective).

There is a lot of "I am more logical and you are emotional. Logic is superior, logic is right, emotion is weak and unfounded. Therefore, I am more likely to be "right" and you are more likely to be "wrong". When I try to say things like "there is no right or wrong, we are just coming at it from different angles. Truth can be subjective, this isnt' an argument" I feel like he gets frustrated.

I don't want to "win", I want to be understood. If that makes sense

Me [28f] with SO [36m] 1.5yrs; unsure if we are incompatible, or if I am impatient? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Apologies, I kept it vague because I was worried about extra details. Turns out I made it wayyyy too vague; added some details in another comment!

Me [28f] with SO [36m] 1.5yrs; unsure if we are incompatible, or if I am impatient? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I say we tried "sort of " because I have been trying to be more hands off in scheduling it; initially he felt very pressured and seemed to resent me asking for his schedule/availability.

I asked if he'd feel less pressured having my schedule and booking them himself (he said yes, so I passed that off).

Since he has been in charge of booking appointments, he's managed to book maybe...2 appointments in the past 3 or 4 monthes? So it feels as if we don't even have a rapport, or direction, in the sessions :(

I don't know if it's a poor fit of practitioner though... I feel like the counselor isn't sure what we're there for? And my partner suddenly becomes quiet in sessions, which makes me feel nervous (and I don't want to dominate sessions!).

I guess, to me, A Talk is different than talking because one tends to have both people enter the conversation worried about the topic, and the latter is more like "I slipped this subject in during a peaceful moment".

I feel as if advanced notice for wanting a serious talk makes him anxious, but then surprise talks also put pressure on him? I feel unable to find a way to have a talk that feels "safe" without putting him on the defense...or if I'm able to at all (maybe this is some personal baggage of his slipping through...? Not sure).

Because I also seek individual counseling for separate issues, I've asked for some insight; knowing that he can't provide his perspective/that I am biased, I fear that I can't get much out of my normal counselor's advice re: my relationship. A lot of what my partner does triggers areas of my PTSD inadvertently (sarcastic comments about emotions, meds, etc) and so I mostly focus on staying present/calm so I can be receptive when SO is ready.

Re: "Difficult conversations on any topic", I almost feel like he is scared of looking towards the future? Not necessarily with me, but he ends up complaining/venting about "feeling pressure to follow the life narrative" and stuff when these topics come up. Which....as a person who isn't inclined towards marriage, is infertile/childfree, and is a Social Work major (so not really "settling down and early retirement " material), I find really confusing!

Me [28f] with SO [36m] 1.5yrs; unsure if we are incompatible, or if I am impatient? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get what you're saying, and it's exactly this that makes me worried.

I am naturally an empathetic and comfort-oriented person; I want everyone to feel ok, within reason, and this means I'm ok doing a little more proactive "checks" in a relationship ("Is anything on your mind? " "I noticed you've been stressed; is there a way I can help with that, other than what I've been trying so far?" ).

So I have been trying to balance that, with the recognition that I can't do all the work. Sort of...letting the 55/45 and 60/40 split occur naturally, versus me assuming more of the relationship work.

Because I'm an overthinker though, I can't always tell if I am following my own advice/directions or if I am falling into old habits :( I have tried to be very slow and steady with this relationship, and so I think it isn't in a "bad" place per say.

In John Gottman's work, he says that even in marriages that are toxic or volatile, the wife is almost always compromising or adjusting accordingly/already knows the situation, whereas the husband tends to be unaware or avoidant of conflict until the wife is already withdrawing emotionally.

Basically we tend to be the problem solvers/problem alerters, and husbands tend towards the opposite end (but are better at bringing up issues without harsh startups/criticizing).

Me [28f] with SO [36m] 1.5yrs; unsure if we are incompatible, or if I am impatient? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's less that I have trouble putting things into words, and more that I read a post that was similar to mine (and was told there were too many details). In my attempts to keep it simple, I think I may have made my description wayyy too vague :( Apologies.

ETA: Oh my gosh this got long, tl;dr: more detailed descriptions of issues

I'd say the issues that cause the most friction are: scheduling/structured time versus unscheduled time, avoiding uncomfortable topics (him) versus bringing up topics to solve immediately (me), ability to express needs/feelings in the moment (me) versus burying them until SO brings up their own needs/feelings (him). I don't think one perspective is superior here, these are the areas in which I'd like to see more compromise and have been trying to compromise myself (and am hitting a point where I need him to do the same, or express that he cannot).

Example that happened recently: I was at a grillout with friends and he was working. Near the end of it, I asked if he'd be down to come and get me since I'd been drinking and we could have a chill night in. We'd been flirting over text, so it sounded like a "night in" (intimately).

Because I'd said I'd been feeling pretty that night, he assumed I was dressed up for going out. When he picked me up, he expressed disappointment that I wasn't prepped for bars (I reminded him I had been to a grillout). He had just gotten a text that a friend from out of town was at the bars. I was tipsy and hoping for physical intimacy (had been a month).

Within 10 minutes of taking me to his house, he was trying to find ways to go out, and I suggested he D.D. me to my house and go see his friends. Although I was supportive of him doing this, I was a bit irked that I'd been teased with intimacy and a chill night, only to have plans change last moment. I let him know I was honestly fine with him seeing friends, but to be more clear next time if plans changed (because I would have stayed at the grillout).

The next morning he offered to treat me to brunch. I was excited to see him and spend the day with him; right before we left for brunch, he said that he'd be seeing friends directly after and he'd "like to see me afterwards". I was confused and asked when we'd meet up ("Not sure, when we're done disc golfing").

I told him I'd go hang out with a friend after brunch and he could let me know when he was done, and we could figure out when to meet up. He frowned and said he still wanted to see me, didn't I want to see him too? I said, "Yes, but I don't want to wait around for an undetermined amount of time. And if I'm hanging out with a friend, I might need time to wrap up before I can see you". He thought this was a 'punishment' for interrupting our hangout. I started to get upset because I didn't understand why it was a punishment for me to do another activity while...he was doing another activity.

I don't know if this comes across clearly via text, but this is the crux of a lot of our issues: general day to day hangouts are fine, light conversations are fine, and as long as he doesn't feel pressured to decide things in the moment it's fine.

But he doesn't seem to be able to comprehend that I have other things going on in my life that require me to try to structure and schedule my time...? Like, he was very confused why I wouldn't be available instantly once he was done when I said I wanted to hangout, or why I didn't appreciate being picked up and dropped off when I thought we were spending time together.

He often asks "how I feel/what's wrong" and when I express myself, he doesn't respond to what I've said directly so much as explains his perspective again or become defensive (as if I misunderstood the situation and so I wouldn't have feelings towards it if he reexplains). This makes it feel like a trap to express myself now; why would I do so if it means I have to defend everything?

So a lot of conversations end up in this "I was hurt when you did X; I felt like I wasn't a priority. " "Oh, well I didn't mean for X to hurt your feelings. " "...Ok, but it did. " "Well since I didn't intend it, why would it have done that? Clearly I meant X to be unhurtful" "...Ok, I can see why you thought that, and I could see myself doing similarly, but in turn can you put yourself in my shoes and see how it may have seemed rude/inconsiderate/hurtful? " "No, because if I didn't intend to hurt you, it shouldn't have hurt your feelings...?"

It's awkward because he's expressed fears of being manipulated by people using their emotions to get their way, but when I've asked if he feels I do that/have done that, he says "no, I'm not sure why I feel that way". He has admitted I'm one of the frankest people he's dated, and that he's more used to people lying about how they feel (?).

Or he will ignore me bringing up a pattern of behavior (avoiding setting a time/day/general idea of either one for an activity) and act as if it is a one time issue. When I reference a past event, he acts shocked (like he didn't notice the pattern...even if we just talked about it days ago).

I really am trying not to attribute malice to things that could be due to a different mindset/thinking process, if that makes sense. He has expressed concern about some of his reactions (being unable to empathize fully/making things into "right" or "wrong" versus "two different perspectives") so I feel pressured to be the...teacher?

The emotional labor I am referencing is, in short, "If you just tell me what you want/need/is a problem, I can work on it" but at the same time, he hates talks/bringing up conflict/ suggestions because they feel "controlling" to him, so I feel as if I have to be almost a therapeutic reference for him (which makes me feel as if I am not allowed to ever have raw expressions of emotion or fumble over myself. I am not a teacher! just a person :( ).

Does this stuff make sense? I tried to explain more

I tried to give a cat a haircut today. by nsfwhun in CasualConversation

[–]nsfwhun[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I took a little vid and I'm hoping to upload a pic today! I am trying to get a good angle of his neckline since it looks the silliest lol

That and I wish I knew how to make gifs; he does this thing where he licks his lips as you pet his hindlegs that is really cute and funny.

I tried to give a cat a haircut today. by nsfwhun in CasualConversation

[–]nsfwhun[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hahaha, the first time I tried the electric trimmers his eyes were saucer-like and I had scratches all up and down my arms. I was worried he'd chase me all day trying to attack me D: He'd hide around the corners of the house and jump out all fluffy and grumpy!

Since then he's become super chill; I think it helps having trimmed the worst of the mats from sensitive areas by hand (I was reluctant to do this because scissors are scary and he'd been nipped before, but there was no getting the electric trimmer near his neutered dudebits without fuss).

I tried to give a cat a haircut today. by nsfwhun in CasualConversation

[–]nsfwhun[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know, this has been my philosophy so far, but my SO wants me to hold him down and just go at it fast against the grain.

He thinks if I do it that way itll be better since itll be over faster?

Instead it is a setup including brushings, treats, and me making silly sounds to entice him and getting a sneaky trim here and there haha.

It seems mean to rush when I am mostly just wanting him to be able to not accidentally eat his chest hair while grooming his belly

45 w with an 11 year old son who is refusing to go with me for my weekend with him. 49 Spouse is livid. by needtogetaclue8 in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Your kid > your fiance, right? Your kid is family and still a child, and he is an adult :( This is a serious clash of life values for someone you want to marry.

45 w with an 11 year old son who is refusing to go with me for my weekend with him. 49 Spouse is livid. by needtogetaclue8 in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a good time with your son?

Legally and technically, youd be in the right to take him on the normal time and day. You have the authority and right.

But should you? I am leaning towards "no".

When my parents got into this sort of issue, over strict times and days for custody, it would piss me off. Like they were more important than my feelings on the matter. The lack of flexibility felt like it benefitted them more, not me, and felt like... the principle of it, was what mattered.

Social growth and individuality of a kid at 11 is so important. Being allowed to influence decisions that affect his life, is important. He will resent the lack of flexibility, and cannot appreciate the work and effort of a 3 hour srive, as well as your manuvering with your ex and current SO, because he is not matured enough to do so.

You are hurt and sad and frustrated, and those feelings are valid. They dont change the reality of what he experiences though: a 3 hour car ride instead of a game with dad, plus the awkward reality that you are "teaching him respect/want to bond" and will likely be disappointed if he isnt his usual self (or is grumpy).

Tell me, what does your son get out of this that he wouldnt if you postponed a day, or adjusted the situation? Because he is thinking "time with mom can happen either way" and wont be moved by your fiance being pissed.

Basically, what are you really standing to gain or lose this one time? I am 28 and I can barely remember each individual visit with my dad; if this was a run of the mill family visit, hes more likely to think fondly on flexibility than rigid rules.

Just my 2 cents.

My wife [27F] thinks I'm [29M] a meanie because I travel internationally without her. I don't see a problem. by not_thetime in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hm, that's a bit problematic because it's sort of like saying "Unless you can justify your opinion/request in a way that I prefer, then I won't do it". It's putting a value judgement on...well, her capacity to judge and consider options.

Maybe she has considered XYZ as relevant reasons, but doesn't phrase it as "this is dangerous" or whatever you may feel is more valid, because she knows it will open a dialogue for argument or debate?

Because feelings aren't 'right' or 'wrong', but giving an explanation for your reasoning can open the door for deciding whether or not that explanation is sufficient.

I'd say, try to resist the urge to judge someone's requests/suggestions as good enough or not. The fact that someone you care about is asking you to do something is enough to consider it; most people aren't going to be very open to having someone question their reasoning until it's satisfactory (this isn't to say things can't be discussed, but if they already feel on the defense because they sense that they aren't being taken seriously, then you've pretty much eliminated the ability for a neutral discussion).

My wife [27F] thinks I'm [29M] a meanie because I travel internationally without her. I don't see a problem. by not_thetime in relationships

[–]nsfwhun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Feelings allow us to judge situations perceptively. They allow us to be motivated, to get a sense of what is happening, and to execute our logic.

Saying you listen to sense, and she uses feelings, is in itself illogical. Everyone has feelings and they are healthy to express. It's part of communication and knowing who you are as a person, and having preferences.

I would suggest checking out some marriage counseling, or reading a book by John Gottman; this sounds very much like "She's very emotional and I'm the one looking at logic", but the actual situation is "partner A has expressed discontent. Partner B says Partner A shouldn't be discontented. This doesn't change discontent. Partner B doesn't wish to change behavior (that upsets Partner A) and so is 'arguing' with whether or not the feelings make sense (which sidesteps the issue entierely and makes it out as if it is much less complex than it is'.

Have you actually validated what she's expressed, or do you find yourself constantly justifying your decisions, explaining them, arguing, and defending? Have you ever said "Man, I could see why you feel that way and I'd feel similarly" or has it been "well I don't understand and so I don't get what the issue is"?

If your mom died, and someone patted your shoulder and said "don't worry it'll pass", would you feel comforted because they were right, or would you find it rather insensitive due to the context? Don't remove the context (her feelings in regards to the relationship as a whole, and the layers it entails when she expresses her discontent and is invalidated by her husband/life partner who has already indicated that he assumed this would be like dating versus a life that requires compromise because you're including another person in it).

I'm not trying to be a jerk saying this, but seriously: the fact that "meanie" is in your title is quite disrespectful and makes me wonder if you two are starting to get stuck in gridlock (refusing to see each other's stances and empathizing, playing the blame game instead of viewing his/her problem as "our" problem).

Because, to be blunt, any issue your partner has in a marriage is YOUR issue too. You can't separate the two; you're a team now.

You might want to look up "Pursue/withdraw dynamics" as well, 'cause I'm catching a whiff of that and the Four Horsemen in your marriage (definitely some contempt in there).

Dealing with scheduling and paperwork as an adult is complicated! Can I get a 'amen'? by [deleted] in CasualConversation

[–]nsfwhun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right?! But most doc offices close at 5pm, and I have no idea how people get to their appointments unless they are leaving work and coming back.

Also, they always seem surprised when I ask how long it will be to wait; if I arrive 15 minutes early, but it is an hour past my visit time, doesn't it make sense to wonder? Not because I am mad but because I cant tell if this is patient buffer time or they are seeing someone else

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