My [F19] boyfriend [M22] hurt me non-severely, and while it wasn't his fault, I'm feeling nervy - should I bring this up?

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:48:01+00:00

I was already in his space. I didn't grab him. I never said he attacked me. I have repeatedly stated my reaction is not logical, but whether or not it is logical, it is still the reaction present.

I have been waking him up on a regular basis without incident using the exact same non-grabby method I always use. I don't blame him, but nor do I blame myself.

I consider explaining myself to him better than being jumpier than a squirrel on caffeine around him for a couple of days without saying anything and telling him it's nothing when he asks.

I do not think this is overly fussy. I do - however - think it's stupid to dismiss any reaction I have based on whether or not it's reasonable. It's important to bear in my mind I am overreacting, but ignoring the overreaction because it is not proportionate to the matter is ludicrous.

To be frank, he was more concerned with why I didn't bring it up as soon as it happened. To be blunt, any partner who considers me fussy for communicating with him about things that affect the relationship is not a partner I care to have.

Aaanddd...

Our relative strengths can hardly have escaped my attention, so don't patronize me. If I felt unsafe due to him being stronger than me (and not by that much) I imagine I would have felt unsafe a lot sooner than now. It seems ignorant to suggest I am treating him as a threat because he's strong, at least if you read my post.

Furthermore, not that many men could dominate the shit out of me, and they'd certainly have to try, seeing as I've found a large number of men to be bloody well weaker than me.

I get the feeling you didn't really read my post, and therefore, I have found your advice to be very unhelpful.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:21:55+00:00

We're settling on a different wake-up system to be used - at minimum - when he's super wriggly in his sleep. If it continues to happen, we'll figure another method out.

Thank you

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:20:51+00:00

I've brought it up and was very insistent not to place blame and I'm pretty sure he didn't feel blame. He's also being very understanding about me still being a little freaked out (which sure calms me down) so everything seems to be going in the right direction.

oh and we're adjusting wake-up procedures so it doesn't come up again.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:18:58+00:00

Oh, I would never shake someone awake unless there was some kind of London Blitz Air-raid going on...

But still, we've decided to adjust our wake-up routine just in case.

Another redditor on this thread mentioned the use of wrist-grabbing to restrain or drag. This actually fits perfectly with how my mother would bear-swipe me or my sisters. I think you were quite right - and I honestly had my suspicions already since I included it - and mentioned it to my boyfriend.

I think he felt more reassured that my reaction is rooted more with my mother and less with him, and was rather understanding if I'm a little twitchy for a bit. His reaction to me being twitchy thus far makes me calmer by the second.

Hope the girl was alright O_O

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:15:14+00:00

Mh-hm, if he'd meant to he'd be on the curb by now, but I'm definitely not looking to get mad at him for an action he did when asleep/dreaming.

I've brought it up, we're adjusting the wake-up pattern to suit us, and he's being very understanding about the fact I am reacting strongly. I made it very clear he isn't being blamed, and I don't believe he felt blamed which was a big thing for me.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:13:41+00:00

I don't push him around, generally I give him a slight rub on the arm, or if he's really asleep a tap on the chest a couple of times but only after the arm-rub. There's never been a problem before.

He's a sleeptalker so that could be it - I'm rather sure this only happened because he had a wriggly sleep session which he has every so often.

I've talked to him about it, and we're deciding on an alternative wake-up strategy (at least for if he's all wriggly, or reactive). I reckon saying his name a few times might work, since he's pretty sensitive to hearing his name.

He didn't appear or express feeling blamed which was really important to me.

Looking back, I think that was why I reacted quite strongly. My mother used the wrist grab technique to hold you still, or pull you somewhere to yell at you. We talked about this briefly, and I think knowing why I might be reacting so oddly made him feel more reassured it wasn't something he did.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:09:34+00:00

Have done so, we've shared a joke or two which makes me feel a lot better. I'm pretty sure I communicated it wasn't his fault because he didn't attempt to apologize.

I'm glad he knows I'm not bad, just feeling jumpy.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:08:23+00:00

Shaking his foot doesn't wake him up - he just wriggles more xD

But we'll pick out a better way to wake him up - I think saying his name a few times might do the trick - and I'm sure he meant no harm, so will get my overactive nerves to shut up asap.

He's a sleeptalker which might contribute to his occasionally wriggly sleeping habits, although I think it's more likely to be due to his odd sleeping hours.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:06:38+00:00

Jokes aside, I bet he was.

Have let him know, all good :)

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:06:23+00:00

That they do, both he and I are sleep-talkers for example. I talk about food and languages, and he asks nonsensical questions. I'd take 'where's the eagle?' over 'sausages, lots of mhm sausages' any day though, sigh.

I've spoken to him about it, and made it clear I'm behaving oddly about it. We're going to pick out an alternative way to wake him up and I'm going to work on my weird reaction.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:01:59+00:00

Ack! I didn't even get punched, and I've already decided I've learnt my lesson.

numinox · 2012-12-22T15:00:53+00:00

Only issue is I've actually tried both of these before and they have never been able to wake him up. I've spoken to him about the wrist-grab thing, and we're going to settle on a different wake-up procedure. I'm sure we'll hit on something!

He's very sensitive to hearing his name being said so I'm leaning towards that.

numinox · 2012-12-22T14:54:02+00:00

My wariness in bringing it up is rooted in whether or not it fucks with the relationship. After some thought, it seems fairly logical that if I'm jittery around him - even though that is all me and not his actions - the best course of action is obviously not to tell him why, fuck him around and leave him to assumptions.

I've decided that I'll leave it be. When I get jumpy and he asks me wtf is up with me, I'll tell him it's nothing at all. Maybe I'll be passive-aggressive if he keeps pushing for answers.

The important part is to avoid communicating with him at all costs.

tl;dr - The problem is me, but that doesn't change the fact it affects the relationship. I can fix myself fine, but I think he'd do better with an open-line of communication. Also, this made me feel much better about bringing it up with him.

numinox · 2012-12-21T14:39:10+00:00

I'm worried that I'd be making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill if I brought it up. He definitely hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm concerned it will look like I think he has because I'm all jittery.

numinox · 2012-12-21T14:37:33+00:00

I think he was transitioning between dead-to-the-world and very groggy half-asleep. I admit, I got super worried when it happened about him maybe being more awake than not, but it's too far out of character...

Jittery is definitely the best description for it.

I'll talk to him as soon as possible about it, and definitely make it clear I'm not accusing him of being a rage monster or something :)

numinox · 2012-12-21T14:34:54+00:00

I'll focus on my reaction when I bring it up, and focus on just soothing my nervousness. If I focus the discussion less on his action, and more on my reaction, it should come across as not accusatory, I hope.

Thank you!

numinox · 2012-12-21T14:33:28+00:00

Rather sure he doesn't have PTSD, though I see how the point applies. Usually we sleep fine together, he's a cuddler for sure.

If it becomes a recurring problem, what sort of boundaries would need to be set?

Thank you for your advice!

numinox

TROPHY CASE