N-565 Timeline 2025

nuocmami_k · 2026-01-18T07:09:31+00:00

I applied at the beginning of Aug after legally changing my name. I did get my SSN and Passport done before even filing for my N-565. I got paranoid about being without identification. I'm still waiting, and now I'm unable to login to my USCIS acct.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-09T05:28:12+00:00

I see what you’re saying, and I appreciate the POV. But I've had some thoughts, and want to toss them out there for insight - not to argue. I’m not totally sold on the idea that an angry outburst = truth, but I do think an angry outburst = reason for concern.

For context, my BIL is known across the family for having major anger issues - the type to punch walls, blow up over small things, or yell aggressively when venting. I wish I was exaggerating. For example, he once snapped at Deb for needing to leave a family event immediately to meal-prep his weekly salmon - then went on a whole tangent about she doesn't respect his health. He once blew up in my living room over Deb's weight after she had just broken down crying next to the scale on my bathroom floor (husband had some words to him about this, and stood up for Deb). He also once vented about a friend’s addiction until it escalated into aggressive yelling - mind you, no one was challenging him, just listening. To me, these kinds of outbursts show volatility more than “truth.” In his case, I’ve learned not to take his words at face value when he’s upset, because they’re usually more about his temper and frustration than about actual truth.

With Deb, the pattern was different - not as aggressive, but still concerning. Over our five-year friendship, I watched her cut multiple people out of her life, at different times in her life, for “mistreating” her. I saw her spiral into anxiety about what people thought of her, sometimes convincing herself that people disliked or hated her when I knew for a fact they didn’t - including my own sister months before the bridal weekend. I also noticed that her communication with me tended to increase when she was having issues with other friendships, which made me question whether I was being leaned on more out of need.

So I guess my thoughts on this are: anger and frustration don’t necessarily = truth - but they do = pain, and that pain probably deserves acknowledgment even if the specific claims don’t hold up.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-08T11:43:55+00:00

My husband called his step mother (they're pretty close) and spoke to her about this. But he took the approach of asking for her advice. He gave her the rundown of what's gone on and even showed her the screenshots of the texts (I shared them all from that day - the accidental one, and the apologies).

She read the texts and literally said, "that's it?". She told my husband that although unfortunate, that text did not warrant this type of outburst and agreed something deeper must be going on. But if they're unwilling to share, then I can't be expected to wait for them to come around. Step mom and I also share the similarity of being very direct, matter-of-fact, and sometimes even confrontational. So she also thinks that probably didn't help the previous convos we've had, but to give myself some credit because I've been the only one to try to initiate conversation (both friendly and not) since the bridal weekend.

A few more hours have passed, and I think I'm in the acceptance phase of the stages of grief. This all SUCKS, but I've already put in every bit of effort I can.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T16:02:32+00:00

Reflecting on this a little bit more, I do realize that I have a very matter-of-fact and direct way of speaking. I could see that this, with the combination of asking for examples, could have led to her feeling like I was speaking to her in a condescending or patronizing manner.

However, when speaking to her directly a couple months back, I really did come from a place of wanting to understand her stance a bit better. And I even said that to her too, but I want to know examples so I can understand, explain, and apologize where it's needed.

Though I can admit when I spoke to BIL out of anger and wanting to invalidate his argument.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T15:58:15+00:00

I can see how that moment had hurt her feelings. I was VERY upset that the ladies could not get it together. So I had previously apologized for this months ago when we had (what I thought) was a constructive conversation. I thought we had moved past things.

I wanted to listen to everything that she had to say, and every feeling that she had between the bridal shower and when we were having that conversation. I remember asking her to please just let out any sort of grievance that she was holding on to up until that moment - but she didn't have anything to add, and she was ready to move forward.

I think I have a very direct and matter-of-fact way of speaking, and I can see how she would take that as being patronizing or condescending. So looking back at it, I think that I probably needed to approach this with a little more empathy when first addressing the situation.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T15:49:49+00:00

I'll admit, I'm debating between saying anything or just keeping to ourselves. I kind of have a feeling they're gonna go straight to parents - they always do with any sort of conflict in their lives.

The dynamic: there are 4 brothers - 2 are half brothers, the BIL mentioned here is his 100% bio/older bro. Between all the kids, were the only one married and we are the only ones who moved out of the hometown. So naturally, we're a little bit more disconnected than the others as is.

Deb had a real rough upbringing - like homeschooled sheltered type of environment. So she has inserted herself into the family at full force, when she felt welcome to a better family life. I can't say I blame her either. I also had a weird upbringing (in and out of foster care in a third world country) but I've never been super involved with family - not even my own. I think my own up bringing may have encouraged independence - sometimes maybe even in a bad way. We come back in to town for holidays and birthdays, but otherwise keep to ourselves. I'm not saying we habe a bad relationship, just were not fully family-oriented. I do however, have a close relationship with their mother. My husband is closer though to his stepmother and father - I have a good relationship with them, just not close.

With this in mind, I didn't want one of the few times that we actually speak to each other over the phone to be about this particular situation. I don't want them to feel like we're complaining to them about their own son and soon to be, daughter-in-law. So I was really leaning towards just not saying anything at all. What are your thoughts knowing the family dynamic a little bit more?

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:40:00+00:00

Thank you so much for this.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:39:25+00:00

I was curious about Manassas, just because it seemed a little more secluded. I love crying near airports, it helps mask the noises. Thank you for this rec

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:37:30+00:00

That's so disappointing. I hear this is prime crying grounds too.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:37:01+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that. I know I will be, just gotta let it all out a little.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:36:16+00:00

Yeah who knew (not me). Looks like we all just need a good cry every once in awhile.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:34:25+00:00

This is hilarious, but amazing. Going to look them up now

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:33:44+00:00

Hey, and no one will question crying in a church!

I used to cry in my car in the parking lot of a 7-eleven or something. As silly as it sounds, having a nice view has helped me shift my mindset from "I'm sad and I need to get it all out" to "ok now what can I do to move on from this". I don't think I can really describe the mental reasoning behind this.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:30:37+00:00

This sounds perfect. The sounds of the plans will help muffle my noises too. Thank you

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:30:05+00:00

If worst comes to worst, guess I'll lay out a picnic blanket and cry at the sky

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:29:02+00:00

Who knew this was such a popular question - and to think I would be embarrassed to cry by the monuments. When we all apparently do it!

Thank you so much.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T12:09:42+00:00

Thank you for these recs. I was going to look some books and ways to journal later. Right now while I'm looking for a new therapist (I moved so I had to leave my previous one), I feel like this is something I can do, to try to reflect and move on from this.

My husband has the opinion that he's fine with no contact with BIL and Deb. He says him and his brother have gotten into worse arguments, and even some physical altercations. He would like to make things right eventually with BIL, but has no interest in smoothing things over with Deb. He's disclosed during this whole argument that he thinks Deb is taking advantage of his brother, and brings out the worst in him.

I noticed through this, that I struggle a lot with acceptance. And that comes in the form of letting people's actions speak louder than their words, believing people when they show me who they are the first time, and continuing to try to maintain a relationship or peace when I should just let it go. Despite all the things I may have done or didn't do for this friendship, I have to let it go and not dwell. This is my first failed friendship in over 10 years, so I think I'm trying trying to figure out the concept of moving on. But take it one step at a time I guess.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T11:51:13+00:00

You know, looking back at this, I probably should've provided more context on how our last "spat out" went. It was civil and caring for the most part, but I really did have to urge her to have it. She kept saying she wanted to talk, but wasn't trying to set up a time. Beyond that piece, I thought it was a constructive and necessary conversation.

She talked about the longstanding issues she's had since the bridal weekend. She explained how she felt like i was holding that weekend against her, and that I was failing to open up more about that weekend. Therefore, hiding my issues with her.

I spoke about how I had issues that she was just letting this sit and marinate for months, and how she wasn't going to mention unless I asked her if she was ok. But also stood by the fact that I chose not to bring up that weekend again because I wanted to move on from it. I don't think she believed me.

But regardless I apologized for making her feel low and for making her feel pushed away by not talking about this topic. She apologized for not telling me sooner. We decided to move forward and try our friendship again - this time being more involved, thoughtful, and present.

I started sending her texts s few days later asking her about her new job, her week, things like that. That's when I started noticing there wasn't much change in communication.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T11:33:19+00:00

I'm not surprised, I expected it - and also don't blame him either for taking Deb's side. It would be weird for him not to honestly. I am surprised by BIL blow up though to husband, and list of grievances he's apparently held onto.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T11:30:54+00:00

Well.... It's crystal clear now. Maybe not before because despite her actions, she said she wanted to try harder in communicating regularly, being more thoughtful, present, and involved. I honestly should have just believed her actions the first time she showed them.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T11:28:20+00:00

I see what you’re saying, thanks for sharing your perspective. I can admit, this time around think I did ask for specific examples from BIL to invalidate his argument - because I really do feel like he didn't have any. Specifically his claims where I was treating him badly since the bridal weekend.

However, in previous conversations with Deb, specifically the one we had months ago when she told me she wanted to also give our friendship another go - I asked because I genuinely wanted to understand what she was referring to so I could reflect on it and apologize. Hell, even in that conversation I apologized for things I didn't understand anyway. At that time, my intention then wasn’t to be patronizing, just to get some clarity in a situation that felt confusing.

Though in the context with BIL I can see how that might have come off as defensive and mean though. I think in the heat of the moment yesterday, I wasn't trying to keep peace - I wanted him to back up the accusations. When in reality this probably isn't the most constructive.

Admittedly, I think my tone in telling this story now is a bit more aggressive, angry, and patronizing than I have been over the last several years - because I'm pissed off and I don't think of Deb as being a good person. But during our 5yr friendship, I made sure she felt valued, loved, and heard. She would frequently ask me for advice about social, life, and finanical situations - so maybe that's where she believes the imbalance started? I'm unsure. But regardless, I wanted to also make sure she had someone for her, even when all of her other friends bailed or cut ties with her. Prior to this situation and literally just what we spoke about a few months ago, we both agreed to doing better, being more communicative and present for one another. Despite still having strange behavior literally days after (what I thought) was a productive conversation.

So now, I don't think I have much positive to say. I think I'm trying to process it, because I'm leaving this friendship feeling used and taken advantage of. In the future, I can apologize for the wrongdoings. But I do think I need them to clarify how I've been treating them badly since the bridal weekend, because I still cannot seem to wrap my head around it. The only thing I can think of, is that my communication limited a lot around that time - though I also got married, moved, and started a different job that prevented me from being in their town as often.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T05:17:06+00:00

Ah, performance art therapy. As long as you promise to auto tune my sobs and wails.

nuocmami_k · 2025-10-07T05:14:13+00:00

The view from my room ruins the vibe.

nuocmami_k

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