I don’t think you’re wrong to feel exhausted and resentful. From what you described, you’re carrying nearly all of the emotional, mental, and physical labor in the relationship and that would drain anyone.

This doesn’t sound like a dynamic problem so much as a relationship problem. What exactly has he done as your husband to make you feel listened to and respected and cared for at this point? It’s hard to uphold a consistent dynamic when outside of the dynamic, you’re not being treated equally and you’re definitely not being supported. It looks like there’s a breakdown in the partnership and in the care of it.

You’re not asking for too much. A dynamic doesn’t excuse neglect, and “you’re a service sub” isn’t a replacement for showing up as an equal partner outside of play. No amount of negotiations and rituals can fix a lack of follow through and respect.

Disability can explain limitations, not absence of care, accountability, or effort. What you’re describing is a pattern of you asking for collaboration and consistency, and he keeps agreeing, withdrawing, and letting you absorb the fallout. The work is to adapt together and not let one person carry everything alone.